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Preteens

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Original poster

DD 12 kissing BF

101 replies

GoodThanks01 · 20/09/2024 05:34

My DD has been ‘dating’ a boy from school of the same age for a couple of weeks. She’s been acting differently lately, not in a bad way, more distracted so I looked at her phone one night whilst she was asleep. I do this regularly and she knows I do as it was an agreement to her having a phone.

Anyway, a few days ago this boy asks her for a hug which from the messages I can see she agreed to and they did. I didn’t think too much in to this but now he’s asked her for a kiss!

She responds by saying that she will next week as she wants her friend to be there when they kiss! I feel I need to talk to her about this as she’s so young!

How would you feel about this and what would you do please?!

OP posts:
Awumminnscotland · 21/09/2024 09:54

Disturbia81 · 21/09/2024 09:38

@tarquinskeys @Calliopespa Exactly.. so many people on this thread thinking it's inevitable, it really isn't and no it doesn't have to be happening so young.
Kissing boyfriends at 12 will lead to doing other stuff way too young.

I agree. I think discussions re boundaries and consent need to come with boundaries for your child that this is too young and to explore with her why you think that. But, at the same time, you won't be there in the situation when your child has to decide to enforce her boundaries and at the end of the day they will always be hers to enforce. She is going to have to learn along the way with a mixture of 'rules' from you and making the poor choices. You can only try and guide her at the same time as giving her good tools to keep herself safe. Saying no kissing until a specific age won't help.

Parker231 · 21/09/2024 10:07

Disturbia81 · 21/09/2024 09:38

@tarquinskeys @Calliopespa Exactly.. so many people on this thread thinking it's inevitable, it really isn't and no it doesn't have to be happening so young.
Kissing boyfriends at 12 will lead to doing other stuff way too young.

you can’t physically stop them unless you keep them under lock and key!

Machiavellian · 21/09/2024 10:10

This entire thread is bonkers. It's kissing..it's not that deep..unless they progress to full on french kissing then well, shrugs.

Calliopespa · 21/09/2024 10:17

Parker231 · 21/09/2024 10:07

you can’t physically stop them unless you keep them under lock and key!

Show quote history

No you can’t stop them at that age. My point was that it’s not inevitable at 12; but it’s still not so young you can really forbid it.

I do think a discussion around boundaries and about there being no pressure to rush into these things is worthwhile, however. Sometimes at that age it can seem there is something wrong with being “ babyish” if you don’t want to move as fast as others and I think it’s fine for a parent to reinforce that is nonsense.

Calliopespa · 21/09/2024 10:18

Machiavellian · 21/09/2024 10:10

This entire thread is bonkers. It's kissing..it's not that deep..unless they progress to full on french kissing then well, shrugs.

I kind of assumed it was French kissing … I mean there is nothing very exhilarating about the peck you’d give your granny …

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 21/09/2024 10:24

I kind of assumed it was French kissing … I mean there is nothing very exhilarating about the peck you’d give your granny …

Given that a few days ago they were texting agree to hug each other, I assume it will be fairly chaste, at least initially!

Calliopespa · 21/09/2024 10:26

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 21/09/2024 10:24

I kind of assumed it was French kissing … I mean there is nothing very exhilarating about the peck you’d give your granny …

Given that a few days ago they were texting agree to hug each other, I assume it will be fairly chaste, at least initially!

Yes … perhaps the first couple of times. I don’t think anyone hovers long at the lip on lip 💋 kiss stage.

mikado1 · 21/09/2024 10:38

We called it a goldfish kiss at 12 😆 🤣 I was 19 before I slept with my boyfriend so didn't lead to anything too young. In my memory we girls chased boys. I remember going to see Robin Hood in a group and hoping to god he'd hold my hand or do something. No luck. Eventually we held hands for 2 minutes while the others timed us. This seems similarly innocent op. My ds is 12 now but no sign of anything yet but also, no phone!

Awumminnscotland · 21/09/2024 11:01

I do think things are different in the context of children being influenced by what is normal and expected by social media. Also by the majority of communication between children being not ' embodied' means the shy tentative to and fro between two people that gives time for feelings to be understood and built on is greatly diminished. I personally see the asking via text quite clinical and would be of course put off if thus was an adult situation but then is it the same as passing notes of old to ask if someone fancies you? I don't think so because of the possibility of misuse of online messaging and possible bullying.
I dont know the answer but I do think as parents we have to explore our children's situations in today's contexts.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 21/09/2024 11:07

Disturbia81 · 21/09/2024 09:38

@tarquinskeys @Calliopespa Exactly.. so many people on this thread thinking it's inevitable, it really isn't and no it doesn't have to be happening so young.
Kissing boyfriends at 12 will lead to doing other stuff way too young.

Unless you never let your 12 year old out of your sight, it's impossible to stop them, though.

It's also in no way inevitable that it's going to lead to anything more - I had my first kiss at the end of primary school and didn't really do much else until I was 17.

Corinthiana · 21/09/2024 11:09

GoodVibesHere · 20/09/2024 06:13

I think it's mean to look at her phone when she's asleep.

No, it's not. She's being a responsible parent.
12 year old children need to have their phones monitored.

Abracadabra1 · 21/09/2024 11:13

Corinthiana · 21/09/2024 11:09

No, it's not. She's being a responsible parent.
12 year old children need to have their phones monitored.

Show quote history

It's mean to look at a phone that you pay for, that a child is too young to get a contract for themselves, that by having they can access all sorts in the internet, get bullied via, and goodness knows what else? It's not mean, it's parenting. I don't understand why parents wouldn't check their child's phone.

Corinthiana · 21/09/2024 11:16

Abracadabra1 · 21/09/2024 11:13

It's mean to look at a phone that you pay for, that a child is too young to get a contract for themselves, that by having they can access all sorts in the internet, get bullied via, and goodness knows what else? It's not mean, it's parenting. I don't understand why parents wouldn't check their child's phone.

Show quote history

Absolutely.Thats my point.
It's bad parenting NOT to check a child's phone.

Abracadabra1 · 21/09/2024 11:17

Corinthiana · 21/09/2024 11:16

Absolutely.Thats my point.
It's bad parenting NOT to check a child's phone.

Show quote history

Sorry I quoted the wrong post, absolutely agree.

Calliopespa · 21/09/2024 11:36

Awumminnscotland · 21/09/2024 11:01

I do think things are different in the context of children being influenced by what is normal and expected by social media. Also by the majority of communication between children being not ' embodied' means the shy tentative to and fro between two people that gives time for feelings to be understood and built on is greatly diminished. I personally see the asking via text quite clinical and would be of course put off if thus was an adult situation but then is it the same as passing notes of old to ask if someone fancies you? I don't think so because of the possibility of misuse of online messaging and possible bullying.
I dont know the answer but I do think as parents we have to explore our children's situations in today's contexts.

Yes this is all very true. Technology does enable more forward behaviour as there isn’t the reality of their physical presence. An extreme example is those self combusting genital shots - quite different from dropping your pants in person and potentially getting them tangled or stuck as you yank them up!

ObliviousCoalmine · 21/09/2024 12:33

Galdownunder · 20/09/2024 07:03

We had a no boyfriends till 16 rule which worked well for our family. DD didn’t have a boyfriend till she was 17 and almost finished high school. We believed it was safer to be at a more mature confident age before embarking on intimate relationships.

lol. No she didn't.

SisSuffragette · 21/09/2024 13:07

Galdownunder · 20/09/2024 07:03

We had a no boyfriends till 16 rule which worked well for our family. DD didn’t have a boyfriend till she was 17 and almost finished high school. We believed it was safer to be at a more mature confident age before embarking on intimate relationships.

I think perhaps families with rules like this end up with children keeping secrets from their parents.

stanleypops66 · 21/09/2024 14:19

I kissed a boy for the first time when I was 11, but I've now got a 13 year old and she hasn't kissed a boy. And tells me sons if he'd friends have bf, but it's really just a 'title'.

Dd and I are very open about everything. If she said shs had a bf I'd talk about what that means to her, what her expectations are and of course consent.

HangingOver · 21/09/2024 14:30

I was 12... Millennium night! I kissed my friends brother and afterwards we both giggled like mad. It was sweet.

NotesAndPads · 24/10/2024 21:36

GoodVibesHere · 20/09/2024 06:13

I think it's mean to look at her phone when she's asleep.

What?? Mean?

It's called responsible parenting. You should all check your 10-14 year olds messages. The mind boggles what these kids say online, seriously.

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 24/10/2024 21:38

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 20/09/2024 06:57

Oh my goodness, 12 is old to be having a first kiss! The poor lad has asked and that's good in itself. Just imagine what it must be like to be a boy nowadays, all treated as sexual predators for expressing any biological instinct. No wonder they're growing up messed up and depressed.

so you are a pedophile?

Travelban · 28/01/2025 09:56

Flossyts · 20/09/2024 07:45

My Friends that weren’t allowed boyfriends certainly had them. They just kept them secret ( and a lot more secrets) from their parents.

Show quote history

And just out of curiosity, would you prefer your teens to be "getting with' boys/girls outside of a relationship? Because that is absolutely rife. I would much rather my kids were experimenting in a relationship. And no you wouldn't know it's happening....

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 28/01/2025 10:12

When I was a kid we were all having our first kisses in year 6 and 7 which is pretty young looking back. It was a major deal though to not be left behind and we would have the kiss in front of friends as ‘proof’ we had done it. My son is now 12 and in year 8 and there is no kissing going on as yet which I’m glad about.

I don’t think 12 is too young but I think it’s really important she doesn’t feel pressurised into it. I think she wants her friend there for moral support which is normal. I would chat to her and make it clear that she doesn’t do anything she’s not ready for.

Travelban · 28/01/2025 10:23

To answer the OP I also think the talk about not being pressurised to do things is massively important and something I still worry about even though my youngest dd is now 15.

PrincessOfPreschool · 28/01/2025 10:59

I agree re being pressurised. My DD is 16 and her friend just had her 'first kiss'. She doesn't even really like the guy, and they were just on a first date, so I asked DD why she wasted her first kiss on him. DD said she gave him a hug and then he went to kiss her but she turned her head and he said, let me kiss you so she said yes but didn't really want to. So that's that and her memory of her first kiss.