DD 12 kissing BF

[GoodThanks01]

My DD has been ‘dating’ a boy from school of the same age for a couple of weeks. She’s been acting differently lately, not in a bad way, more distracted so I looked at her phone one night whilst she was asleep. I do this regularly and she knows I do as it was an agreement to her having a phone.

Anyway, a few days ago this boy asks her for a hug which from the messages I can see she agreed to and they did. I didn’t think too much in to this but now he’s asked her for a kiss!

She responds by saying that she will next week as she wants her friend to be there when they kiss! I feel I need to talk to her about this as she’s so young!

How would you feel about this and what would you do please?!

She knows the rules, I can look any time and she’s happy with that.

I had my first kiss at 11. I’m still in touch with him now- we’re both late 50s!

She sounds sensible, and he sounds respectful- I’d probably not interfere, just ask her how it went afterwards!

I think it's very sensible

Thank you for your replies. I still feel she’s too young but I realise I can’t stop her. I’ll have a chat with her about the issues mentioned.

I worry because she tells me that her friends change boyfriends constantly so she could kiss this boy now but next week they’re no longer together. It just shows how immature they are at 12 and not ready for all of this!

This attitude is exactly how children and teens get groomed, abused, exploited and their parents are oblivious.

parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/home-family-life/technology/checking-tracking-your-childs-phone/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwurS3BhCGARIsADdUH51G9_VWt81ji6lXWXTmRH6IxvVg6YeHYi0Q_N9Zdc3GuhdQX14zXLoaAqFxEALw_wcB

Of course it's not - she is 12!

I didn't have my 1st kiss till 15, I think 12 is very young!

Wonderful advice

I think the texting asking if they could hug sounds quite sweet.

I don't think 12 is old to be having a first kiss, but I don't think it's particularly young either. I'd talk to her about consent and not being pressured into doing anything she doesn't want to, but probably wouldn't do anything else.

I don't understand the laughing faces. Did your mum interfere in your first kiss? How very odd!

I worry because she tells me that her friends change boyfriends constantly so she could kiss this boy now but next week they’re no longer together. It just shows how immature they are at 12 and not ready for all of this!

That is entirely normal for 12 year olds. What do you mean by ready for "all this"? It's just kissing, and sounds fairly innocent.

What age did you have your first kiss, OP? How involved was your mum in that event?

What does it matter? That's how relationships worked at that age, you "went out" (hung around together at lunch and ignored your mates) for a few weeks or months, did a lot of kissing and then either dumped or got dumped. At least that's how it worked a good 30 years ago, doubt it's changed that much.

I don’t think so either.
And checking the phone when she is asleep is fine. She knows you do it, and it’s probably less embarrassing for her than watching you do it.

I think it's essential to have full access to children's phones .

If 12 is old to have a first kiss then is 16 too old to lose your virginity? I'd say 14-16 is a normal age to have your first kiss. Unfortunately I didn't consent to my first kiss and was sexually assaulted and harassed in Year 7. I'm wondering if OP's DD thinks 'everyone' is kissing and having sex in Year 8, when that's not true. None of my friends kissed a boy at 12.

Can't believe the people saying it's too old.. yuck! I was 15 and turned out fine. They are kids, why are they bothered about kissing at that age.

With such strict policies kids will just be secretive. All of my friends that had these rules definitely had bfs behind their parents back and definitely kissed boys before they were 16

I think 12 is within a reasonable age range to have a first kiss. The people who say that’s too young/old are unreasonable and having a no boyfriend/girlfriend rule until 16 is asking for your kids to lie to you (if they want to date someone of course)
The wanting the friend there is the weird bit. Does she want her friend there so there’s someone who can corroborate the story that she had a kiss ?

If she's got boyfriend, and is in secondary school, I'd say kissing seems pretty normal. Of course it's too young for sex, but I'd assume part of the idea of having a bf/gf would be having a bit of a snog! The fact he asked her, she seems keen and is obviously not shy about their 'relationship' being known to her friends. It sounds nothing to worry about.

Just curious how many of those saying 12 isn't young for kissing boys and they were doing it at that age, also have daughters a similar age right now?

I know from my own dd her and none of her friends have had a first kiss yet, and talking to the other mums none of us would be happy if they were kissing or having boyfriends at 12. Especially if they're in year 7 they've only just left primary school!

Sometimes there's this nostalgic view of this kind of thing I think, when times are very different now I think?

Totally different subject I know, but have been on a thread in the past about being a teen in the mid to late 90's, and how many of us either regretted sexual activity before 16 and had either done it because of peer pressure, lack of consent or thinking (when still very emotionally immature) that it gave status / was the cool grown up thing to do. I personally feel sad for my own experience and wish I'd had some guidance at that age - sorry for going off topic!

Yes I was going to go slightly off on that rant too, so since you have … I will!

I was about 14 for my first kiss and by 15 a few girls I knew were very vocally fully sexually active. The rest of us all “ caught up” ( eventually!) but I can honestly say the girls who got involved younger made poor choices in partners which for reasons I can’t explain seemed to get worse and worse as years went by. All of them ( small sample admittedly) moved on to “ bad boys” and have had bumpy and failed relationships throughout ( now mid 40’s). Obviously this isn’t a hard and fast rule; but, conversely, what it does show to my satisfaction ( given I have a much greater sample of friends who were older to it all) is that starting with all this a bit later doesn’t set you up for some kind of relationship failure. In fact, all the early starters I know would be happy to have the relationships of their “ inexperienced “ peers. They definitely didn’t get any kind of prize in some sort of sexual Olympics.

… that said, op, your DD isn’t at that point yet if they are still formally arranging a kiss! I don’t think 12 is late to kiss but it also isn’t hair-raisingly young.

Part of the deal here. It would be very stupid not to.

Of course your daughter had boyfriends, she just didn’t tell you.

You know what teenage boys are like but she doesn’t yet

Sweeping generalisation there.