DD 12 kissing BF

[GoodThanks01]

My DD has been ‘dating’ a boy from school of the same age for a couple of weeks. She’s been acting differently lately, not in a bad way, more distracted so I looked at her phone one night whilst she was asleep. I do this regularly and she knows I do as it was an agreement to her having a phone.

Anyway, a few days ago this boy asks her for a hug which from the messages I can see she agreed to and they did. I didn’t think too much in to this but now he’s asked her for a kiss!

She responds by saying that she will next week as she wants her friend to be there when they kiss! I feel I need to talk to her about this as she’s so young!

How would you feel about this and what would you do please?!

Everyone will have different opinions on whether 12 years old is too old or too young to be kissing but if you look at the facts, we can see that:

• BF has asked for consent with a hug (good first step)
• BF is now asking for a kiss (good to ask for consent)
• She wants to, but would rather do it in front of someone (putting herself in a safe situation)

To be honest, it sounds like a very sensible and consensual relationship at this point. I would just pull her aside and just have a general chit chat around consent/kissing/hugging/and sexual contact as she now has a boyfriend. Don't mention that you've snooped into her phone (don't do that again either unless you have a serious concern).

Now is the optimal time to build a honest and open dialogue around relationships, and to maintain that throughout her teens. If you start snooping and telling her not to do things, she will do them anyway, and she won't be telling you about it.

"We had a no boyfriends till 16 rule which worked well for our family. DD didn’t have a boyfriend till she was 17 and almost finished high school."

Pmsl 🤣 oh the naïveté

How would you stop her?!

I think your hands need to be in cuffs

As a dm of 3 teen dd, I can honestly say if I saw those messages I would be pleased that my dd had found a boyfriend who seems to genuinely care about her feelings and consent. Teens will do this, it's natural but you just need to keep the conversation open.

I truly believe that telling your children they can't date until they are 16 is laughable and asking for trouble.

Too old?!!!

I think I might faint!

Op, totally fine to check her phone whenever you want. I will be doing the same. As for the kissing, I really don't know what I will do when we get to that stage! Good luck

I had my first kiss with my “boyfriend” at 12, I took my friend and he brought his friend and we met up and kissed, it was very immature but exciting. He wanted to go on a date to the cinema but I broke up with him because I felt too young for it all. As long as she’s not having sleepovers at his house, maybe encourage her to bring him to your house so you can supervise them or go out for dates like to the cinema. Or if she’s like me then she’ll know what she’s ready for and what’s she’s not. I lost my virginity at 17 and I was ready by that point (I thought). No one had a proper sex chat with me though, so I think it’s important for parents to talk honestly about it and draw on their own life experience for things. Don’t give it like a lecture though as teens wouldn’t like that. My mum used to tell me not to do this and do that and it made me want to do the opposite

I think you’re being naive if you think that actually happened. They will have been having relationships but just kept them hidden from you.

I truly believe that telling your children they can't date until they are 16 is laughable and asking for trouble.

100%. I had a few friends who had that "rule" growing up and without exception, every single one had boyfriends and lied to their parents about it a lot.

Yes, make sure she feels able to say no.

But don't go to hard on the "don't do anything you might regret" line. How can she know if she'll regret it or not? It sets kissing, and later sex, as this negative thing, when it should be about experimenting, finding out what she enjoys, and taking sensible precautions against risks.

I'm the odd one out then, I'd be horrified at my kids having snogs at 12

What's horrifying about it? It's just a kiss.

Same here. I remember at about 13 we would meet up (3 of us girls and our 3 respective boys) and in sync pretty much take our chewing gum out, hold in one hand, and snog for about 15 seconds 😂😂 My first kiss was at about 12 and my mates were definitely there to assist and were amazed that I knew how to tip my head to the side 🙈🤣 I think it would be worse/more intimate if they hadn’t been there. At this age it’s not love or romance it’s just experimenting! And if someone else is there it stops something less age appropriate being forced on you.

I wouldn’t personally worry too much, OP. He sounds like a respectful boyfriend. No harm in talking about consent with your DD at this age though.

All these communal kissing sessions are reminding me of those public toilets in some countries with rows of toilets without cubicles.

I think it sounds healthy and respectful. Your DD seems to be doing fine OP. Have an ongoing conversation about consent, not specific to the kissing but just a general open chat.

@Berlinlover What do you mean "of course she had boyfriends"
Me and my female group weren't interested until 16+

I agree. No wonder kids are so sexualised if parents think it's normal to kiss by 12. I know they do it but it shouldn't be seen as ok, especially if there is tongues involved. Also if the age of consent is 16, do we really expect kids who have snogged by 12 to just kiss for the next 4 years? At 12 I was definitely thinking about it, but it was due to books and programmes and wondering what it would be like. I was still quite innocent to think actually doing it for real was ok.

Good advice.

At 12 I was completely disinterested. I was much more in that stage of intense girly friendships. By 14 I did have a crush, who eventually ( was probably only a couple of months later but the heart makes much of time 🙄) kissed me, then snogged me a fair bit for several months, but by now I was nearly 15.

OP as others have said, now is the time to have open continuing conversations around boundaries and consent.
I also would be advising your daughter that him having asked for consent over the phone may be sweet but doesn't replace asking consent again at the time and her giving consent at the time. You need to discuss now that if she changes her mind she shouldn't feel pressured to go along with it. I'd be wary that if she does change her mind she may feel "held to account" that she "consented" already.
I agree with pp point re wanting her friend there, maybe explore why.
It may be within the realms of normal development for her to experiment and explore this but she is young and will possibly not know how she feels about it so needs space to discuss that gently and over time with you.

These are my exact thoughts too and why I’m so concerned.

Very helpful, thank you.

@tarquinskeys @Calliopespa Exactly.. so many people on this thread thinking it's inevitable, it really isn't and no it doesn't have to be happening so young.
Kissing boyfriends at 12 will lead to doing other stuff way too young.

This is a 12 year old we’re talking about. Are you quite well?