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Preteens

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Original poster

My 12 year old really hurt my feelings

65 replies

punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:22

I need to vent as I'm so f ing hurt and angry

12 year old boy can't do wrong in my husbands eye and our son is treated like a best mate. Son is increasingly rude and hurtful to me and my husband accepts it

I was laughing with my husband about something he didn't know and said omg everyone knows that.
My son then pipes up and says well you have a degree and you have not used it have you Mum.

I bollocked him hoping my husband would agree
Did he fuck- half heartedly told him off I lost it and told him it's unacceptable to allow son to talk to me.
It's not the first and won't be the last. Son then put in tears to which husband says look what you have done you have upset him.

I'm stressed with work, granted I didn't get an amazing job but I got a worthwhile and rewarding full time job.
I love my son so much but right now I feel really hurt

Maybe I'm over reacting

OP posts:
nootropics · 09/07/2024 20:22

have you used you’d degree out of interest?

Sidebeforeself · 09/07/2024 20:25

But you were teasing your husband ? Maybe your son didn’t word it well, but he probably just thought he was joining in with the teasing.

I think you have overreacted if it’s bad enough for your son to be in tears. I can see you’d be irked by his comment but hurt and angry seems excessive

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 09/07/2024 20:26

You use your higher education everyday, don’t let anyone downplay that!
Does your dh have a degree? If he doesn’t it may be jealousy.
Meanwhile no matter your job or income you as an adult need to be valued and respected for your contribution.
Little shit needs to be told 101 times that your education is valuable.

SquawkerTexasRanger · 09/07/2024 20:27

Where has he heard it from that you haven’t used your degree?

Oldcroneandthreewitches · 09/07/2024 20:28

Kids can say really shitty things.

But the issue here is your husband. He is allowing your son to quietly grow contempt for you.

I wonder what he says about women in general when you’re not around.

I’d definitely start talking to your son about how important it is to respect women and the loving relationships that come from it.

But I’d really have an honest look at your DH as I bet misogyny runs deep with him

Bohomovies · 09/07/2024 20:30

I think you’re overreacting. It was a bit of a hurtful thing to say, but he is coming into his teens now and kids of that age say hurtful things (whether they mean to or not) and don’t always understand how it would feel to be on the receiving end.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 09/07/2024 20:30

From reading that as it's written it sounds like he's just joining in on the ribbing you and your husband were doing.

However maybe tone or context makes it feel different to you.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 09/07/2024 20:30

Oldcroneandthreewitches · 09/07/2024 20:28

Kids can say really shitty things.

But the issue here is your husband. He is allowing your son to quietly grow contempt for you.

I wonder what he says about women in general when you’re not around.

I’d definitely start talking to your son about how important it is to respect women and the loving relationships that come from it.

But I’d really have an honest look at your DH as I bet misogyny runs deep with him

This. My DH is more likely to come down on the DC if they speak badl to me than I am. teenagers and preteens are often dickheads. so there's a certain element of having to suck that up, but I think it's important how it's dealt with.

having said that, I have a degree in history. Arguably, my child could absolutely say the same thing to me and it wouldn' be rude. I would use the opportunity to point out how many ways my history degree has helped me to be good at my job and that my career would not be what it is without it. Also that my ability to see both sides of an argument or debate comes in large part, from my history degree.

Original poster
punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:31

It just hurt and where has he heard that?
I can't say my job as it would be outing however suffice to say I work within Health and social care NHS commissioning boards with care placement funding.

Yes I was mucking around but it was so trivial.
He puts the tears on to manipulate his dad. There isn't really any tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:32

I have a degree in politics I loved it but it took me a few years to find what I truly enjoy and a lot of work.

In part I'm stressed at work and I think it hit me hard

OP posts:
yeesh · 09/07/2024 20:33

Your husband is the issue

WednesdysChild · 09/07/2024 20:35

I probably wouldn’t have expected DH to discipline my dd for that - I’d have said, “hey mind your tone dd” and left it at that.

But it sounds like this is one incident in a much bigger situation.

I think you dh’s the problem here

Hotgirlwinter · 09/07/2024 20:38

I think you were right to come down hard on him, this isn’t a one off, this is continued snarky nastiness from your son.

This needs stamping out, ok you’ve upset him but he upset you. Guess what, you fuck around you find out.

Your DH needs a kick up the arse too, he’s the one demonstrating there is no need to respect you. He’s modelling this behaviour.

you are there to parent your child not be his best mate, tbh your DH is doing neither, because best friends hold their friends accountable for shitty behaviour the same as parent. Hes failing on both parts.

not using your degree is completely irrelevant, it’s a harmless thing to say when there’s no nasty undertone but clearly there was.

You didn’t overreact and at 12 it’s best he learns that you can’t be a snidey prick to people and get away with it in the real world

SwiftlySwiftly · 09/07/2024 20:39

yeesh · 09/07/2024 20:33

Your husband is the issue

@Oldcroneandthreewitches hit the nail on the head but this as well. Husband issue for sure.

DullFanFiction · 09/07/2024 20:41

nootropics · 09/07/2024 20:22

have you used you’d degree out of interest?

Why?
Are you saying you agree with the way that child talked to his mum? To the rudeness?

Oldcroneandthreewitches · 09/07/2024 20:41

punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:31

It just hurt and where has he heard that?
I can't say my job as it would be outing however suffice to say I work within Health and social care NHS commissioning boards with care placement funding.

Yes I was mucking around but it was so trivial.
He puts the tears on to manipulate his dad. There isn't really any tears.

He heard that straight out of your husbands gob.

Both of them played you on this OP.

Your the baddy - women are all witches who make men’s life hell

DullFanFiction · 09/07/2024 20:45

Your issue is your husband. But not just the way he reacted to your son. It’s the way he is talking to you, te way he is disrespecting you that has rubbed onto your son.

I would actually talk to your ds. Explain calmly that why his comment was hurtful and rude.

Then you need to deal with your dh. Any chance he’d learn and realise how crap his behaviour is or is it a lost cause?

Original poster
punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:46

Fundamentally he shouldn't be sitting down there watching the football having a snack after that. I can't face any more shit tonight so I told them both what I think and buggered off upstairs as I'm knackered from my full time "shitty" job.

I feel really shit but thanks for the feedback I agree my husband is not right at all

OP posts:
WYorkshireRose · 09/07/2024 20:47

So, realistically, you don't use your degree in your day job 🤷‍♀️ Can't imagine being upset at my own DC for being honest personally. His delivery might not have been the best, but he's 12 and clearly thought he was joining in with your making fun of DH.

Original poster
punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:48

@DullFanFiction lost cause.

But he is a really good hands on dad but along the way we have disagreed about this issue and it is not the first time

I fear it is causing a division between and my son and I'm crying at this because I don't want that

OP posts:
Original poster
punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:49

@WYorkshireRose define using the degree?

If you mean in a high paced environment working with many different professionals to make key decisions managing a high case load then I'd say my degree prepared me very well.

It's not the point it's the principle

OP posts:
Choochoo21 · 09/07/2024 20:51

I was laughing with my husband about something he didn't know and said omg everyone knows that.
My son then pipes up and says well you have a degree and you have not used it have you Mum.

So you were laughing at your DH for not knowing something and belittling him for being stupid (even if it was just banter) and your DS stood up for him and gave it back to you.

Sounds like you shouldn’t give it out if you can’t take it back.

DS overstepped the mark but laughing at someone not knowing something is hardly ideal either and as he’s 12 he’s still learning the boundaries.

Original poster
punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:51

I wish I could say this was a one off but it isn't

OP posts:
nootropics · 09/07/2024 20:54

DullFanFiction · 09/07/2024 20:41

Why?
Are you saying you agree with the way that child talked to his mum? To the rudeness?

Show quote history

yes that’s exactly what i am saying 🙄

nootropics · 09/07/2024 20:54

punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:51

I wish I could say this was a one off but it isn't

So the issue is much more deep rooted and this is a just one example?