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Preteens

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Original poster

My 12 year old really hurt my feelings

65 replies

punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:22

I need to vent as I'm so f ing hurt and angry

12 year old boy can't do wrong in my husbands eye and our son is treated like a best mate. Son is increasingly rude and hurtful to me and my husband accepts it

I was laughing with my husband about something he didn't know and said omg everyone knows that.
My son then pipes up and says well you have a degree and you have not used it have you Mum.

I bollocked him hoping my husband would agree
Did he fuck- half heartedly told him off I lost it and told him it's unacceptable to allow son to talk to me.
It's not the first and won't be the last. Son then put in tears to which husband says look what you have done you have upset him.

I'm stressed with work, granted I didn't get an amazing job but I got a worthwhile and rewarding full time job.
I love my son so much but right now I feel really hurt

Maybe I'm over reacting

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 09/07/2024 20:56

I’m on the side that you have overreacted. You have mentioned the there are other things going on in your life maybe you need to take a step back and view the comment from a different perspective.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 09/07/2024 20:59

What did you say when you were taking the piss out of your husband not knowing something?
It's not ok for your son to say that, but if he's close to his dad and it came across that you were attacking/belittling him, he's either tried to defend his dad or thinks he's being part of the grown up 'banter' which to him was adults taking the piss out of the other's lack of knowledge.

Surely a quick "I wouldn't have the job I have if I wasn't educated to the level I am and whether I use it or not, I've more degrees than you do. Now stop being a cheeky so and so and put the kettle on/let's go and watch this football" etc

nootropics · 09/07/2024 21:02

I was laughing with my husband about something he didn't know and said omg everyone knows that.
My son then pipes up and says well you have a degree and you have not used it have you Mum.

can you really not see the hypocrisy OP?

Jennyathemall · 09/07/2024 21:03

punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:31

It just hurt and where has he heard that?
I can't say my job as it would be outing however suffice to say I work within Health and social care NHS commissioning boards with care placement funding.

Yes I was mucking around but it was so trivial.
He puts the tears on to manipulate his dad. There isn't really any tears.

“I can't say my job as it would be outing however suffice to say I work within Health and social care NHS commissioning boards with care placement funding.”

yeah cos that’s so non-specific.
you could just say you work in the nhs!

Original poster
punkyKat · 09/07/2024 21:04

All really good valid points.
I do feel I have over reacted but that in some respects I do not think I have

Thanks all some good points made and I'll reflect upon

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 09/07/2024 21:06

You’ve said your son was in tears.. but then he wasn’t really in tears. I think you feel ganged up upon ..and maybe that is what has happened before..but I don’t see it in the scenario you describe here.

Donotneedit · 09/07/2024 21:07

It’s really sad/grim that you seem so confident that your son is putting on the tears to ‘be manipulative’ after you have bollocked him.
Take a big step back and think about the way you are talking about your boy, he has not done anything wrong and if you behave like that I’m not surprised your DH isn’t jumping in to back you up.

DazedNotConfused1 · 09/07/2024 21:31

Sounds like you were putting your DH down/embarrassing him and your son didn’t like it so stood up for him by being not very nice in return.

Thepartnersdesk · 09/07/2024 21:35

Fundamentally your husband sees women as lesser and is allowing your son to act in the same way because he is blind to the issue. Is that what tonight has fully revealed to you?

It's not about what was said or the way it was said but a general disrespect?

I can fully understand why you feel sad.

You are going to need to sit down and spell this out to your husband. I take it you don't have daughters? If so would be tolerate this towards them?

Futurascope · 09/07/2024 21:45

I don’t understand the concept of saying “”DH let DS speak to me like that” - if I didn’t like the way my child spoke to me, I would explain to them something along the lines of - I always treat them with respect, and expect the same in return. Explain they have hurt my feelings and why. And possibly that if they are being disrespectful to me, then not to expect some of the many favours I do them - as speaking respectfully is the bare minimum every single one of us deserves.

I wouldn’t feel like DH would need to “back me up” - as I would (calmly) make my feelings absolutely clear.

In this specific incident - I can’t see anything particularly wrong, so I guess it is a sensitive subject for you OP. I’m not sure your son could have foreseen the reaction he got in advance.

HungryLittleCrocodile · 09/07/2024 21:47

Sorry you felt hurt @punkyKat but I doubt he mean to be nasty. Sounds like a bit of ribbing!

My DD (when she was 17-18,) made a couple of slightly posh friends - sisters (we are working class.) And all of a sudden she became a bit judgy and snobby. DH was working in a factory at the time, and I worked part time in an admin job. We had a small 2 bed semi detached house.

She said one day 'mom, why is dad not in a better job? And why does he never do anything? He just has no get up and go. Harriet and Lily's dad is so cool. He goes scuba diving, and paragliding, and he travels abroad a lot for their business, he's always smartly dressed, and he breezes in from his big £120K a year job - when I'm at their house, and has a huge Mercedes car, and they have a massive house! And I think 'why isn't MY dad like this? Does he not even want a better job? He's only on £25K a year!'

I was like Hmm 'that's a bit hurtful and cruel, he'd be devastated to know you thought this about him.' She said 'oh no I do love him and all, I just wish he was a bit more of an adventurer and had a better job.' I said 'maybe he hasn't had the same advantages in life as Harriet and Lily's dad. Also he's a homebody and has indoor hobbies - music, reading, watching films, doing crossword puzzles and jigsaws etc. And our little Ford Fiesta and little house does us fine!' She shrugged her shoulders and said 'well, if you're satisfied with this life...' I was SO hurt by what she said, and upset and hurt for what she said about DH. (I never told him.)

Anyway, about 6 years later, Harriet and Lily's dad's business crashed and he filed for bankruptcy, after getting a £350,000 tax bill, and because of covid making much of the work dry up. They lost their big home, and their two £40,000-50,000 cars, and the holiday villa in the Bahamas. He bankrupted £533,000 of debt (and the tax bill!) and not long after, his wife left him. Stopped all his hobbies too, and his friends, He became a shell. Lost everything!

I never said anything to DD, and she never mentioned it either! But it just goes to show that things are not always what they seem. Looks like Mr Breezy Big Job/Nice Car/Big House/Flash Suits was living his lifestyle on credit, and not paying his taxes!

tl;dr sorry. This thread just reminded me of all this, because DD said hurtful things to us too! (Well to me, but it as pretty much about DH.)

nb; DD is not rude and judgy about her dad now, or me, or our little home, or our ordinary average-paid jobs - both in office admin jobs now. Our home is paid for now too, and we have no debt, so we are doing fine! She was just an opinionated judgy teen then. But her words really hurt at the time. I don't know what she was thinking - saying what she did!

MeadStMary · 09/07/2024 21:49

Choochoo21 · 09/07/2024 20:51

I was laughing with my husband about something he didn't know and said omg everyone knows that.
My son then pipes up and says well you have a degree and you have not used it have you Mum.

So you were laughing at your DH for not knowing something and belittling him for being stupid (even if it was just banter) and your DS stood up for him and gave it back to you.

Sounds like you shouldn’t give it out if you can’t take it back.

DS overstepped the mark but laughing at someone not knowing something is hardly ideal either and as he’s 12 he’s still learning the boundaries.

I agree with this!

Sounds like your ds was just trying to join in with what he perceived to be a bit of banter. You've overreacted and are being very dramatic imo.

Apileofballyhoo · 09/07/2024 21:52

I wonder if you could spend more time with your son to establish more closeness independent of your DH. On the face of it it sounds like an overreaction but if it's constantly them against you I can see how you'd be really upset. Flowers

Greyblind09 · 09/07/2024 21:54

Your household sounds chaotic sorry OP

Teacherprebaby · 09/07/2024 21:54

punkyKat · 09/07/2024 20:22

I need to vent as I'm so f ing hurt and angry

12 year old boy can't do wrong in my husbands eye and our son is treated like a best mate. Son is increasingly rude and hurtful to me and my husband accepts it

I was laughing with my husband about something he didn't know and said omg everyone knows that.
My son then pipes up and says well you have a degree and you have not used it have you Mum.

I bollocked him hoping my husband would agree
Did he fuck- half heartedly told him off I lost it and told him it's unacceptable to allow son to talk to me.
It's not the first and won't be the last. Son then put in tears to which husband says look what you have done you have upset him.

I'm stressed with work, granted I didn't get an amazing job but I got a worthwhile and rewarding full time job.
I love my son so much but right now I feel really hurt

Maybe I'm over reacting

You're overreacting!! He's twelve!!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/07/2024 21:54

I think your next step is to have a heart to heart with your DS. You could both apologise. I wouldn't let him think he can speak to you that way and then just sit down and watch the footy with his dad. Your DH should back you up but you don't need him to. You can tackle the subject without him. Next, work on your relationship with DS by perhaps doing something together without DH

XiCi · 09/07/2024 21:59

I honestly can't see anything wrong with what your son said. Its just a statement of fact, not an insult. You have a degree, does it matter whether your job is directly related? Many, many people have careers not related to their degree. Maybe have a think about why it upset you so much because it seems like a massive overreaction. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my dd said this to me.

Roseyjane · 09/07/2024 22:03

You owe them both an apology. You are a grown adult. Sitting their belittling yout own husband, and then when your son gave you a little of your own medicine as it was hurtful you attacked him and made him cry.

go and apologise. Being stressed at work is no excuse.

Roseyjane · 09/07/2024 22:04

MeadStMary · 09/07/2024 21:49

I agree with this!

Sounds like your ds was just trying to join in with what he perceived to be a bit of banter. You've overreacted and are being very dramatic imo.

Show quote history

That’s what it sounds like to me. She owes them both an apology. She’s behaved terribly.

RivkaTheBold · 09/07/2024 22:09

You've totally overreacted.

Poor kid was trying to join in the fun but seems like you don't like bring the butt of the joke.

JustRollWithIt · 09/07/2024 22:14

I've got boys (young adults now) and there have been a few occasions in their teen years when it felt a bit like dad and them versus me. Some jokey, some not so much, some maybe I was overly sensitive feeling like the only female etc. I think you should have a quiet word with your husband, away from your son, and just calmly explain how it feels and how as parents to a pre teen it would be best to appear to be on the same side as a parent unit in terms of how you react to cheeky comments. Teen years can bring a few challenges and feelings of being disrespected which can hurt when they were once loving little cute boys. It is important you and your husband always have each others backs and show unity as parents. Your husband will hopefully get it. The good news is, they come out the other side as fine young men who love their mums very much.

myflightiscancelled · 09/07/2024 22:14

Strap yourself in for the teenage years if you gave him a bollicking over that. You could have just laughed it off unless of course he hit a nerve, which it sounds like he did. But a 12 year old ending up in tears because of a bit of banter is unfortunate.

SallyWD · 09/07/2024 22:25

My kids have often teased me that I have a degree I don't use. Really doesn't upset me at all. I think you were way too harsh if you made him cry. He hardly said anything awful!

Choochoo21 · 09/07/2024 22:40

RivkaTheBold · 09/07/2024 22:09

You've totally overreacted.

Poor kid was trying to join in the fun but seems like you don't like bring the butt of the joke.

I completely agree.

He was either joining in on the joke and thought OP would laugh or he was sticking up for his dad because OP was laughing at him for being so ‘stupid’.

Some people can give it out but can’t take it back.

MiddleParking · 10/07/2024 06:30

HungryLittleCrocodile · 09/07/2024 21:47

Sorry you felt hurt @punkyKat but I doubt he mean to be nasty. Sounds like a bit of ribbing!

My DD (when she was 17-18,) made a couple of slightly posh friends - sisters (we are working class.) And all of a sudden she became a bit judgy and snobby. DH was working in a factory at the time, and I worked part time in an admin job. We had a small 2 bed semi detached house.

She said one day 'mom, why is dad not in a better job? And why does he never do anything? He just has no get up and go. Harriet and Lily's dad is so cool. He goes scuba diving, and paragliding, and he travels abroad a lot for their business, he's always smartly dressed, and he breezes in from his big £120K a year job - when I'm at their house, and has a huge Mercedes car, and they have a massive house! And I think 'why isn't MY dad like this? Does he not even want a better job? He's only on £25K a year!'

I was like Hmm 'that's a bit hurtful and cruel, he'd be devastated to know you thought this about him.' She said 'oh no I do love him and all, I just wish he was a bit more of an adventurer and had a better job.' I said 'maybe he hasn't had the same advantages in life as Harriet and Lily's dad. Also he's a homebody and has indoor hobbies - music, reading, watching films, doing crossword puzzles and jigsaws etc. And our little Ford Fiesta and little house does us fine!' She shrugged her shoulders and said 'well, if you're satisfied with this life...' I was SO hurt by what she said, and upset and hurt for what she said about DH. (I never told him.)

Anyway, about 6 years later, Harriet and Lily's dad's business crashed and he filed for bankruptcy, after getting a £350,000 tax bill, and because of covid making much of the work dry up. They lost their big home, and their two £40,000-50,000 cars, and the holiday villa in the Bahamas. He bankrupted £533,000 of debt (and the tax bill!) and not long after, his wife left him. Stopped all his hobbies too, and his friends, He became a shell. Lost everything!

I never said anything to DD, and she never mentioned it either! But it just goes to show that things are not always what they seem. Looks like Mr Breezy Big Job/Nice Car/Big House/Flash Suits was living his lifestyle on credit, and not paying his taxes!

tl;dr sorry. This thread just reminded me of all this, because DD said hurtful things to us too! (Well to me, but it as pretty much about DH.)

nb; DD is not rude and judgy about her dad now, or me, or our little home, or our ordinary average-paid jobs - both in office admin jobs now. Our home is paid for now too, and we have no debt, so we are doing fine! She was just an opinionated judgy teen then. But her words really hurt at the time. I don't know what she was thinking - saying what she did!

Edited

So many things about this story are weird