DD says she's lonely at school because her friends don't want to engage in imagination games anymore

[Tiddlywinkly]

My DD (10) has been complained that she doesn't want to go to school and I got a call from her teacher yesterday to say she'd been emotional on and off yesterday.

She says all her friends just want to chat and not play, although we've hosted playdates recently where she and the friend have played with dolls (Barbie/LOLs) and made up dances to music etc.
She also has an 8 year old brother she plays with, but he doesn't play with dolls. They do other things though.

She seems quite immature for her age, but not worryingly so. I suspect ASD as I have it, but we didn't even get a referral for an assessment. The threshold for NHS seems really high. We might have to save up and go private.

Her school is signing her up for some sort of friendship course/support. She's had play therapy related to her emotional reactions to things.

I'm worried about her future. Friendships are a struggle for her. Is there any way I can help her? I'm not great at friendships either. Ds has no problem.

My lovely 12 year old was exactly like this (she still is but now she has a little sister who she can play with and pretend it’s all for her) and it was the exact same where her friend all wanted to play dolls when they were here but at school they acted very different!

I just always reassured my daughter that play is good and normal and even many adults enjoy playing with toys or collecting. I tried encouraging friendships where they were also abit immature compared to their peers and I played hours and hours of Barbie and pretended to enjoy it so she always had a non judgemental play mate at home!

As she got older she understand more about peer pressure and how a lot of people adapt their behaviour to fit in with a group, not saying this is right but she did work it out on her own what was considered “normal”. Now she has some sweet quirks but has found a group of friends who absolutely embrace her! She’s doing great and very self assured!

Thanks @Babyshadows. That's useful to know there can be a difference between school and home at this age. I was struggling to understand why she said no one was playing as I'd seen them play at home with no awkwardness.

I think everyone's at slightly different stages too perhaps, especially those with older siblings.

I think I'll make more of an effort to play what she wants at home sometimes and get some one to one pampering sessions, e.g. nails etc. She loves that.

Ah bless her. My 10 year old still very much plays at school as far as I'm aware. Can she join any lunchtime clubs?

My DD loved to play way past the point where others were trying to be 'grown up'. I can't say anything useful but I remember feeling sad for her so wanted to just say 'I hear you'.
They do start 'growing out of' friendships I think around that age. And not sure that playing is necessarily immature. DD is ND and also very bright and creative. For her, play was just way more interesting than girls chatting about makeup and boys. She could work through far more interesting issues with creative play than she could talking about eyeliner!
Secondary school is far better for finding her crowd - just more diverse people, many also ND and creative, and some unashamed nerds!
I hope it gets better soon but in the meantime I would just say to try to enjoy it even though you're worried, and obviously do your best to bolster her self esteem. I'm biased but I think it's so lovely in itself when DCs don't 'follow the crowd' 😊

My dd is 20 and NT but I had the same experience when she was 10. It’s a time when some kids dabble with older stuff like makeup because peer pressure or older siblings. Out of school they played with dolls but at school they acted older and cooler. It’s a shame because my sons played chasing agains at playtime even in early secondary where they switched to more organised sport like basketball.

It's a tricky age and I remember hating it when my friends (slightly older) suddenly lost interest in playing pretend and wanted to be doing teenage stuff I had no interest in.

Basically there was a change of friends which I don't regret at all. The ones who wanted to go in the back field smoking or find a free house to get up to no good in went one way, and I went the other way with the other "younger for age" kids. We are still different types, and although the split comes younger these days, I truly think it is not a bad thing in the end. Horrible for your daughter right now, but she definitely won't be the only one struggling.

We’re having exactly the same thing. DD is 10. We’re pursuing an asd diagnosis with the school. I’ve found this a really difficult year - I’ve suspected DD may be autistic before but it hasn’t caused her any major problems. The friendship problems are isolating her, and it’s very difficult for her emotionally. Her emotions are so “big” too. She’s also been invited to a school based girls group to discuss feeling and friendships with (I assume) other girls in a similar position.

it’s making me very nervous about secondary school transition.

Ah I had this with DC, puberty.
They used to play together endlessly in different role playing games. Then almost overnight DS1 hit puberty at a young age 10. That was the end of it, he refused to play make believe with DS2 ever again. It was quite sad really and I remember DS2 sobbing and begging him to play again.

Is she into drama and theatre at all? It's all play! If you can find a group not attached to school it might give her a new pool of people to potentially click with.

I think this can be normal at about this age. My DD still loved playing at that age, but lots of her Y6 friends had moved on to boys and make up etc. Fortunately she was in a mixed Y5/6 class so played with the Y5 girls instead!

if it's any consolation, my ASD middle son made all his friends at High School and Uni through shared love of imagination based games.
Dungeons and Dragons is big again and there are plenty of girls involved too.
There are kids who still enjoy using their imagination and when enough of them are in the same place they tend to find each other.

Oh it’s hard. At school I see some of the ‘cool girl’ year 6s hanging around and chatting, they don’t want to play anymore. The ones running round and screeching look like they have more fun. Today, sweetly, a girl group of year 5s were playing Santa’s Workshop Elves, asking everyone what they wanted for Xmas then popping back to their workshop to make it. So lovely to see.

We are having the same with Dd10 too. Her friends are getting into makeup and social media stories etc and she just wants to play and be a child. They still seem to all like each other but there’s definitely a gap now. Dd is autistic and I do worry about friendships although I’m definitely happy that she’s not bothered about social media yet.
Im not really sure how to help her. Like pp I’m encouraging friendships with some of the less mature children. She enjoys drama so does that outside school. She’s also in 2 sports teams (at a very basic level!) which give her a good connection with others regardless of maturity and other interests.

My DD (10) is awaiting referral for ADHD/ASD and she's the same though she takes refuge in art and creative stuff these days instead of "play" so much but she does still have toys she plays with at home sometimes.

Echo the drama suggestion, she loves her drama classes and gives another outlet for her.

She's also a summer born so seems far less streetwise than some of her classmates. It's so hard to know how to help. Luckily she does have a few solid friends though I suspect it'll all change with secondary transition next year.

Dd1 was like this at age 10. She still wanted to run around a play dragons while her friends were more grown up and wanted to ‘chat’. She was diagnosed with asd at 11.

Dd2 is 11 now and they couldn’t be more different! She’s the one into clothes, skincare and talking about boys 🤦🏽‍♀️.

My DD is also v into imaginative play - still, in yr7 - but I’ve found she is just channelling it slightly differently now, into drama club and making up comic strips and being v into Harry Potter, although she stills loves her teddy bears at home (she was never into dolls as much). She actually played with the boys sometimes in yr6 - their imaginative play was generally a bit more around acting out computer games etc but she still enjoyed and would make a role for herself.

Yes sorry, I definitely didn’t mean immature, but that sometimes can appear immature compared to peers. This is not a bad thing though, I’m glad my DD still retains the need/ desire to play. I think it’s very cathartic and a good outlet for when things are hard at school :-)

Thank you for your replies. She's always been cheerful, but since the start of term or so, something has changed.

She's very tall for her age so she's also been 'sized' out of our local soft play, which I'm feeling as well tbh. End of an era.

Thankfully she has a 10 year old cousin nearby who she gets on well with.

An earlier poster suggested theatre. I might look into that.

Coming back to say I signed up my daughter to a drama group. She's been going for a month now and absolutely loves it.

It hasn't solved difficulties at school, but overall she is happier with that element now in her life. Thank you for the recommendation mumsnetters! 🙂

So glad that she's happier! As to school, she will eventually 'find her people'. Thank you for updating - it's so lovely to hear.

My DC’s primary cannily put y5/6 on the same playground as foundation stage at break, which means even the “cool kids” can play games with the little ones without losing face because, you know, “their” foundation kid wanted to play mums and dads or whatever.

Thank you for the update, OP!
So happy to hear that your daughter is happier!
A drama/theatre group can be really great.

Glad it worked out! This is a tricky age, I found my children also 'aged out' of each other, the older one didn't want to play imagination games and the younger desperately did, so that was a tricky time, but eventually it all came good. It's hard when everyone else goes off the things you like!

I'm happy for her! My 10yr old niece is 10 going on 25 and I hate it.
All she cares about are boys, filters, skincare and social media it's awful she hasn't 'played' in months

You can't be too hard on the kids that aren't in to playing, it's just what happens and it's not necessarily about wanting to "be cool". I remember it happening to me at that age, and it wasn't about impressing boys, wanting screens, trying to fit in or anything like that. Pretty much overnight toys just no longer seemed fun. I couldn't get in to imaginative games anymore.