Just told 9 year old Santa isn't real...

[Elfie23]

And feel awful!!

She was 9 in June so will be 9 and a half by Christmas.
She seemed to be growing out of it last year, didn't want to see the Santa float because it was 'babyish and knew that the Santa on that was just a man dressed up.

We do a secret Santa with family and SIL asked on text if we were doing again this year - all agreed and I said to DD can she help me pull the names out the hat as she usually does.

She then said some people at school said Santa isn't real (she's in yr 5 so the older kids are now turning 10) and she said he was but felt silly as they laughed...she asked me if he was real and I said what do you think, she shrugged and was asking me questions like how he can get into homes with no chimney (we are in a flat) etc - so I told her.

She was a bit upset but I told her Santa isn't a person but an idea and that she's now in the 'grown up' gang and her job is to help us make it exciting for the younger children etc

I feel bad but I guess it's part of growing up - does anyone have any believes older than 9?
This time next year we'll be looking around secondary schools so feel like it is time to grow up a little 😢

How incredibly dramatic you sound. 🙄

Telling her that he does exist for a few more years will do no harm at all. A 'friend' of DD's said Santa is fake when they were both seven! Because the girl's 12 year old brother had told her. I told DD they were just teasing her and that of course he exists. She believed ME, her mother, of course, over a girl trying to upset her - just because SHE had been upset - by saying he is fake.

She believed in him til she was 11. No harm done whatsover, some extra years of magic and excitement, and no kids laughing at her. (Especially as many other kids still believed! til around 9 or 10.)

There are some real mood hoovers on here, and a few people who sound like they got some joy out of 'putting their child right.'

It’s fine, she asked the question, you told her the truth. It would be far worse parenting if you doubled down on the santa lie making up extra details to reinforce it just for her to go into school and get the piss ripped out of her.

Once they start questioning it themselves, it’s the right time to tell them. Although I also think that no child should start secondary still believing. My DS finally asked a few months ago at the end of year 6. If he hadn’t have prompted the conversation I might have had to initiate it before he started y7.

This

Seems like an appropriate time to tell her. I say as someone who believed until (I think) 12..😄 I reckon it is a lot harder these days to keep the magic going. I hope I can string it out for 9 or so years for my little guy, but I do worry about embarrassment at school! Luckily it never came up in conversation when I was a kid. My older siblings kept it going for me too!

There is a really nice Judy Blume book called Love Santa which I recommend. It’s lovely.

I wouldn’t have told her. There’s no need to have the talk.

After a certain age children know FC doesn’t exist. You know they know. But no one has to come out directly and say it! There’s no need to be so bloody joyless about it all.

As for I am sad I've lost the last little bit of 'baby' about her - but that said, this time next year we'll be looking around secondary schools, and I guess they got to grow up at some point....it's a tough one that's for sure!

Your choice.

It’s about the magic, the innocence of childhood. No way as a Mum would I be trampling all over that ..

It’s not about telling lies for goodness sake. If you believe , you believe. That’s what I will say.

I could never fully tell my children that he wasn’t , hasn’t been and never will be real. Why on earth would you do that.

Too much influence and pressure from other people these days: technology, social media , children in school who have been brought up very differently and whose parents have different views etc. I think children are being made to grow up far too quickly.

A bit of magic at Christmas time for a child? And she is a child at aged nine. Well, I see no harm in that. Secondary school is two years away. I have a nine year old. He’s in year five and you know what , I won’t tell him, I will
let him enjoy his innocence and his time at primary and stop attempting to make him ‘ grown up’ and let him be the nine year old child that he is.

Nope. I would not have spoilt that magic.

Op you dealt with it really well because she asked.
I have 2 DD.The first I told before she went to secondary as I knew her BF was a bit mean.I wished I hadn't because although she thanked me at the time she cried the next Christmas because she couldn't pretend to believe.None of her friends were told by their parents and she wished id done the same.She would have rather I'd kept out of it My younger DD -now 14 I have never 'told' but obviously doesn't believe in him now!They both still like the rituals and traditions though.I just stopped being so OTT about it so I didnt feel like i was lying and it was more fun.So I'd say if they don't ask don't tell!

This is what we are doing. It's just unspoken and we have fun with it. No need to sit a kid down and deliberately tell them.

OP she sounds like a smart and sensitive girl and I think you handled it absolutely perfectly.

Those so much fun and joy around Christmas anyway I don’t understand why some people are so over-invested in a character that they’ll outright lie. I’m all for keeping the magic going as long as you naturally can but the point when they ask you directly, meaning they’ve thought about it rationally and come to the only logical explanation, is the point where you have to tell them the truth. To do anything else is basically gaslighting.

When my DCs started to question, I didn't want to outright lie and insist he's real when he's not. Also, I wouldn't want them to go into school absolutely insistent that he's real because I said so and they trust my word.

I settled for "Some children believe he's real and others don't" with a knowing look. As they got older they picked up on the knowing look. It's been quite a gentle let-down as mine now "know" but we got lots of years out of it and they haven't indicated that they felt fooled by us. As for technical questions about chimneys, I'd say airily "Who knows, its all part of the magic of Christmas", rather than trying to answer logically, because there is no logical answer (!)There comes an age where you sense your DC is ready for the straight answer though, it would be frustrating for a child to continue to be insisted to that he's real when he's not, past a certain point.

I prefer a softer break than a harsh break as I was told by an older friend very bluntly around age 6 and my parents confirmed it. It was a shame as I'd have liked a few more years semi-believing. I did still want to believe but maybe my parents were happy to not have to do the Santa thing any more, as that was the end of Santa.

My DCs still get small stockings from "Santa" even though they are older and they know, and they love it

It's a myth that Christmas can't be magical when you don't believe in Santa. If your dd wants, you can agree to revert to behaving the same as before she found out.

She can also get the magical feeling by becoming a Santa and spreading some Christmas cheer to others. Dunelm have a scheme where they have tags with someone's wish and the requests are heartbreaking as they are often very basic like new underwear or nice hair bobbles.

I think you handled it really well OP. My eldest believed till my DM told him before he went to secondary school - she was worried that he'd be bullied ! Could've asked us first but they were different times ! When my youngest DS found out at 10 he said well to be honest Mum I was faking it last year ! If she asked you so directly at 9, you had to be truthful . We do our best to keep the magic, don't we ! But it passes on to the DGC now xx

This myth that they’ll be teased is absolute bullshit perpetrated by lazy parents who just want to opt out of Santa duties.

I don't think this is true at all. I asked my DM when I was a similar age and she told me the truth. It didn't stop her still giving me a stocking every year right up until she died - I was 31 at that point. She would even still do the 'Ooo... I wonder what FC has brought you...?!' every year as I reached into my stocking 😂 Tree presents were never from Father Christmas, so no change there. The only tradition that stopped was leaving out the mince pie, as it seemed daft to continue. I have a memory of visiting a Santa once as a DC, but I don't think that was an annual thing. It worked and I have/will continue to follow DM's method. My DCs, whilst believing in the 'real' FC, have never believed the ones you visit are real or even working for the real FC. We haven't visited one every year anyway, only if there happened to be one at an Xmas fair we were at. What other duties are there? I can't see any reduction in my workload once DCs know, although I will have to add 'wry wink' to all mentions of FC.

My daughter is 7 and told me yesterday that she knows Santa isn't real and it's the parents. Like others thought I had longer with the magic but she's still quite happy to go along with the Christmas/Santa activities etc.

Kids are getting older than they should be these days.

I’m so sad for her and you. Why speed up childhood because of other people? It’s likely you’ve now shit on other kids beliefs as she will likely tell them.
my 11 & 10 yr olds believe. We might tell them before Uni.

I don't get the people who seem to be suggesting that you can't still have a stocking, or indeed do 'secret Santa' once you no longer believe that Santa actually exists.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying traditions in adulthood, just for the sake of them being enjoyable for what they are. You can still hugely enjoy an Agatha Christie play, even if you fully realise that nobody on the stage is actually going to be killed in real life

Yes. It's called suspension of disbelief.

Suspension of disbelief is the avoidance—often described as willing—of critical thinking and logic in understanding something that is unreal or impossible in reality, such as something in a work of speculative fiction, in order to believe it for the sake of enjoying its narrative.

Because she’s being laughed at at school and asked directly. The OP handled it fine.

My son was almost 12 when I told him he was absolutely devastated DH made me feel terrible too I didn't want him being teased he asked me and I was honest 🥺

MariePaperRoses · Yesterday 22:37

Mine are adults and I've never told them he isn't real!”

This 😁

I overheard a bunch of older Cubs / almost Scouts (i.e 9-10!) talking about this last week. They were saying it's obvious that Santa isn't real. But you have to act like he is otherwise you get less presents.

Lots of tiny giggling and sniggering.

OP handled it amazingly since her daughter asked her outright.

My daughter figured it out age 7 too. Plus the tooth fairy. She was more upset about the Easter Bunny not being real. I tried to continue the pretence, but she wouldn’t have it. Kids figure it out at different ages.

If you do talk about St Nicholas, please remember to include the incident where he punched or slapped an opponent in the face at the Council of Nicaea.
(It's probably just a story but it made it into tradition and art... a bit like "Santa")

Dd was the last in her friendship group to believe. She knew by the Christmas of year 5, so 10 years old.

One of the other mums heard her daughter tell the other girls not to ruin it for her, which was very sweet.