Just told 9 year old Santa isn't real...

[Elfie23]

And feel awful!!

She was 9 in June so will be 9 and a half by Christmas.
She seemed to be growing out of it last year, didn't want to see the Santa float because it was 'babyish and knew that the Santa on that was just a man dressed up.

We do a secret Santa with family and SIL asked on text if we were doing again this year - all agreed and I said to DD can she help me pull the names out the hat as she usually does.

She then said some people at school said Santa isn't real (she's in yr 5 so the older kids are now turning 10) and she said he was but felt silly as they laughed...she asked me if he was real and I said what do you think, she shrugged and was asking me questions like how he can get into homes with no chimney (we are in a flat) etc - so I told her.

She was a bit upset but I told her Santa isn't a person but an idea and that she's now in the 'grown up' gang and her job is to help us make it exciting for the younger children etc

I feel bad but I guess it's part of growing up - does anyone have any believes older than 9?
This time next year we'll be looking around secondary schools so feel like it is time to grow up a little 😢

@Elfie23 but "Santa in the red outfit" is a fairly modern interpretation of the legend of St Nick.
But that's who "Santa" is (was).
St Nicholas - also known as Sinterklaas or rather "Santa Claus".
Why didn't you just tell her "Well Santa Claus was a Saint who lived a long time ago so obviously he is gone now but adults keep the tradition going"

Because she asked me. If she was younger let's say 7 I would have said of course Santa is real! But she's approaching 9 and a half now, and in the seconds I had to answer had to decide wether I was carrying this on and risking her being teased, or tell her the truth and risk her being upset for a day or two but it coming from me in the nicest way I could manage?

They are little for such a short time, agreed, but when do you start to let them go a bit?

Yr5 at school they're now allowed to arrive and leave on their own, I've been banished to wait by the car at the bottom of a longish path as she's 'too cool' to have mum on the playground now. It's such a big shift from year 4 but if she's wanting to be more grown up, should I have dragged her back or given her the grown up answer?

I don't think there's any right or wrong necessarily, just wanted to get an idea of how old other children were when they knew x

Because she wanted the truth so I gave her the truth. There isn't a person who flies past on his sleigh, somehow gets into the flat and puts presents under the tree, has a beer and a mince pie and goes on his merry way repeating this round millions of houses and don't get done for drink driving or having a piss in a bush?!

I think telling her that 'parents keep the legend alive' is the same as saying 'parents tell this lie because it's great to see how excited little people get about santa, but it's a bugger when they have to tell their kids the truth - is it not?

Mine is 9 almost 10. She still believes. If I do end up telling it won't be yet!
She does know other people now say they don't believe and it's your parents so of course we'll see what happens.

@Elfie23 so when you told her the "truth" did you simply say "no Santa isn't real it's actually me and your Dad" or did you tell her about St Nicholas and how over the many years the way people celebrate and make traditions have changed and evolved.

You did the right thing and handled it well OP

I think you did the right thing op. My ds asked me outright last year aged 10 and in year 6. I don’t really think he believed the year before but kept it going. He asked me to be honest. So I was. He was a bit disappointed to find out he wasn’t real (in the modern sense) but I wasn’t about to lie to him when he needed me to be honest.

my little one is 8 and firmly believes. I’ll probably be telling her myself when she’s 11 because I won’t have her going into high school and being laughed at. Like your dd, it would be worse to be ridiculed at school than be told the truth about Santa.

I told her it was me and her dad, she asked why do parents do it, so I said because Santa is an 'idea' and children love the thought of Santa flying around the world making sure every child gets a present to open on Christmas Day.
That me and other adults she knows would have all been told the same story by our parents and so on,but eventually as we got older we worked out that this couldn't be completely true, but it's nice to keep the excitement going for younger children who haven't yet worked it out

@Elfie23 ok what you said sounds sensible - if you had included the history of St Nick it might have been better because that's part of the "truth".
Maybe this Christmas one of her gifts could be the Raymond Briggs graphic novel 'Father Christmas' (and maybe the sequel 'Father Christmas Goes on Holiday') to show you can be "grown up" enough to know it's not "real" but still have the fun of the idea 🧑‍🎄

It's going to feel a bit sad, but I think your hands are tied really when they start asking you directly if it's real or not because it's a little old to be actively lying to them, rather than just not mentioning it and continuing to let them believe. At the end of the day they would naturally find out within the next few years regardless and the facade isn't worth them potentially reading too much into why you would lie to them, if they've reached the level of maturity to do so.

Op it’s really hard to know when’s the right time, told one of our children at 12- he is so innocent and I think we thought he knew already but we’re saying it to be sure as we didn’t want him laughed at in school if it was true and the look in his eyes when I told him - it was like I shattered his heart! Other end- 9 year old the same year, had been going on since he was five that Santa couldn’t get about in a night etc etc. Dh said after a particularly difficult conversation he admitted it and ds just shrugged and said he’d known all his life. Fine about it. Your child is probably totally fine, and as long as she keeps the secret (12 yo told us at the time he didn’t know how not to tell his brothers, was scary for a time!!)

I think my DD knew when the boys in year 3 were delighting in going around saying Santa wasn't real. When she mentioned it I just said 'oh, really?' and changed the subject. She was probably 7. I guess we just do it out of tradition. And like I said I'm 100% sure she knows but wants to carry on anyway (with a dollop of side eye). You did what you felt right in the moment. It must've been sad to see her upset but you'll both live and she won't get teased 🎄

Honestly I think you did the right thing.

I believed til I was about 12 and I remember getting made fun of and teased. People would laugh at me and it just frustrated, confused and upset me. I wish my family had told me before high school at the latest.

Don't get me wrong Christmas was magical believing but I was also terrified because I was told he landed his sleigh on the roof next to my bedroom 😂😂😂😂. Creeped me out the thought of Santa peeping through my bedroom window

I'm going to tell mine soon, he's in year 6 and I hate the idea of him going up to secondary and being teased about it. I remember kids doing it when I was at school and there are already rumblings in his class about it so it's best to rip the plaster off than lie, I think.

I will be pressing on him that he must keep the secret for younger kids, though.

Oh dear, I was considering telling my 6 year old this year 🤦‍♀️ he questioned it at 5 quite a lot, and I just said “what do you think? I like to believe in the magic”, and now again at 6 he’s asked. It feels so odd lying when he asks directly, but equally I don’t want to zap all the joy. We’ve always nominally referenced the Easter bunny and tooth fairy (Im not sure he believes in these as we’ve not gone big on them) but have gone bigger on Santa / leaving him and reindeer snacks / visits etc - he says he doesn’t think the bunny and tooth fairy are res as he has never seen them but he’s not sure about Santa as he has seen him… we’re not going to have long! Im amazed people who last it to 10/11/12!

My daughter’s kindergarten teacher (years ago) used to allow parents to come in and read stories to the class. One mother came in and read a Christmas book, to a room of five year olds, and at the end she said “but we all know it’s just a story, because Santa isn’t real!” The teacher was left to deal with a room of crying children and never allowed a parent to read a story again.

my brother told me when I was almost, not quite five. Bastard.

Adults teach kids not to tell lies. And also tell them lies about santa. And then agonize about how to undo the lie. No need to lie to kids in the first place.
Kids have fantastic imaginations, they are very capable of "believing in Santa" without needing to be lied to.

I agree with you, although most probably won't.

We didn't do the Santa thing at all - partly for the reason above - but I don't necessarily see any big issue with telling little ones the story and 'seeding' it, if you think they'll like it and want to pick up on it.

However, I think it's terrible when older children start to think about it logically and start asking natural questions, but parents gaslight them about how he does exist, they must still believe, and mum and dad still believe.

As PP suggested, imagine being a pubescent girl and being told insistently that a strange man is going to come into your bedroom whilst you're asleep. What might be a nice innocent story at 3 can convey a horrific message at 11.

Oh for goodness sake nobody needs to do this. NT kids know when they know and they humour the parents who keep the fun going. Why be so sodding joyless and earnest about it? My kids are all young adults but Santa still visits!

This myth that they’ll be teased is absolute bullshit perpetrated by lazy parents who just want to opt out of Santa duties. I am a secondary school teacher and kids take the piss out of each other about lots of things but NEVER about this.

Creeped me out the thought of Santa peeping through my bedroom window

We don't consider this aspect enough imo. The whole premise is off.

I'm from another country where Christmas isn't as much of a thing and the whole notion of Father Christmas, a non-familial man who creeps into your house/room while you're asleep and leaves you unreciprocated presents... it's just weird and a bit creepy to an outsider. Not the kind of thing I want to normalise for dd.

When dd was 2.5, one of her teachers at nursery (female) dressed up as Santa really convincingly (I barely recognised her myself!). She was handing out oranges and dd grabbed me and whispered to ask if it was OK to take it. She didn't go to hug him (her) either. I was kind of glad her instinct was to be cautious. I think that's a good natural instinct

“As PP suggested, imagine being a pubescent girl and being told insistently that a strange man is going to come into your bedroom whilst you're asleep. What might be a nice innocent story at 3 can convey a horrific message at 11.”

Don’t do stockings or presents in bedrooms then!

Don’t do stockings or presents in bedrooms then!

It's completely different if they know that they're left by mum or dad, though!

Father Christmas, a non-familial man who creeps into your house/room while you're asleep and leaves you unreciprocated presents

Don't forget 'hammered out of his brain', too, as he's already had 350 million glasses of sherry!

Oh my word 😳

Oh really. FFS!

I also think people who think their school-age genuinely "believe" in father Christmas aren't giving them enough credit for critical thinking. The whole story is implausible.

For example, we were thinking of doing the classic "presents from the baby" for dd for when her brother is born... and we told her, let's get a present from you for the baby (all good) and the baby will get you a present. She's a totally average 3yo but her response was "how can he go to the shops and choose it?!" [As he's unborn!]

Kids aren't daft.