Bullied dd now her mother hates me

[Lostmum2407]

I’m so incredibly upset. My daughter is being bullied in high school by a ‘friend’. I know her mother very well. Her mother and 6 other women plus myself used to meet up regularly. My daughter has had issues with the girl who is bullying her for years. She told all of my daughters friends lies about her. My daughter is quiet and I feel this is why she is targeting her: to make herself look good. My daughter is extremely kind, bright and pretty. I know I sound biased being her mother but it’s the truth. She doesn’t have a nasty bone in her body. I can’t see any reason for her not to be liked. She has absolutely no friends now thanks to this bully. Anyway, a few years back I approached the bully’s mother when her daughter was bullying mine. I asked if she knew what was going on between the girls and she was immediately defensive. Her daughter denied doing anything to my daughter. My daughter is not a liar at all. Luckily it died down. Anyway, my daughter is being bullied by her again in Year 7. I didn’t want to speak to her mother/my friend as I knew she’d get defensive. I decided to contact the school. My daughter is crying daily and has absolutely no self confidence anymore. Thought I’d let the school sort it out. The school did nothing as they are both quiet girls and they didn’t believe the bully had done anything. She’s very sneaky. Even her own mother described her as ‘a Bitch’ a couple of months ago! She’s nasty to her sister at home. Well I noticed last week that I was being ignored on the mums group chat. It turns out they are all angry as I spoke to the school about this girl bullying my daughter. I have been banished from the group! I found out they’d met up without me! They were my best friends and I’m a really nice person. I was also bullied in school and I feel like I did back then when I had no friends. I have no idea what I have done wrong but they have now all blocked me. I just don’t know what to do. I feel all alone. My daughter knows what has happened so I’m having to try and act that I’m not bothered that my friends have ditched me. I just don’t understand why I’m being treated like this. 😔How can I move on from this?

Like mother like daughter by the sounds of it! Both nasty pieces of work. The mother has no doubt told your friends a pack of lies about you, just like her daughter did about your DD.

At least you can talk to your DD about it not being her OR you, just this nasty family being nasty again. Support her to find new friends, by finding new friends yourself.

Really? You dont know why they are treating you like this? Honestly if my friend has an issue with my daughter, then I expect her to come to me personally. Even if its just to say that you will talk to school because of the girls if we cant sort it out.
You completely went behind her back and probably caused trouble for them just based on hearing your childs story. I mean, maybe all the things you said about your DD are really fully true and shes not at fault at all, but even then I would want to speak to my friend and her daughter directly, sit together with my own DD maybe and see what they have to say 🤷🏻‍♀️
It often takes 2 to fight, so O would be interested to hear her side too before i went to the school.

I disagree with the above poster. The issues are happening in school, so you did the right thing approaching them, and I'm sorry that they've not taken you seriously.

However, it does sound like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree regarding the girl and her mother. Although it may not feel that way now, you've had a lucky escape.

I have previously tried to talk to my friend about the way her daughter treats mine but she won’t have any of it and brushes it off as children being children. I had no choice but to talk to school about it as my daughter is distraught.

Thanks. I just have no idea where I can find new friends. I agree that her daughter has learned how to be nasty from her mum. Kindness always wins I think.

I’m so upset by it all. I used to host when we all got together as my house is the biggest. I’ve done nothing but kind things for all of them and I’m hurt by it all. I can understand it if it was my daughter doing the bullying and I was the one not bothered but my daughter is the victim. I have nobody now.

I disagree with @TanukiMario too. Why would you bother going back to her when she did nothing when her daughter was being a bully the first time?

It isn’t you that has “caused them bother” it’s her own daughter by, you know, being a horrible little bully. And look at her mother’s actions, hardly the actions of a nice person and it’s easy to see where the dd gets it from.

OP if all these women have ditched you because of this, think if it as a lucky break as they weren’t really friends to begin with.

@Lostmum2407 The only way to stop a bully is to fight back. Both of you.

Stop being meek and wishing the issue away.

You demand a meeting with the Head and you get angry. You demand safeguarding and action be taken.

You should also post all over Social Media about this and how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You shame your ex friend for her behaviour too.

It may be worth reaching out to the other friends one by one and letting them know what is going on so they get both sides but be prepared to lose them all as bullies thrive with an audience.

Send you DD to karate or self defense or even boxing. Once she learns how to stand up for herself, its easier to talk back and not be afraid she will get a beating.

The school will do absolutely nothing and unless you stand up for yourselves, you'll be a target now and in the future.

I just can’t believe I’ve lost all my friends because of this. My daughter was bullied yet I get punished! I feel like nobody ever likes me but I’m a kind person. A good friend who always listens and I’d do anything for anyone. Feel like ending it all 😭

WTF?

OP's dd is being bullied. She tried to speak to bullies mum before but Bullie's mum gets defensive. OP speaks to the school as she should have.

The bullies mum is not taking any responsibility and bullying OP.

You are your daughter's champion and you did what was best for her. Would you rather you didn't speak up for her so you could still have your 'friends'?
I know what I would prefer.
I bet there is a whole other group of mums who weren't part of the 'in' group, and by the sounds of it, probably much nicer people.

@Lostmum2407 - I'm really sorry you are feeling this way but I think you need to focus on a couple of things:

• are friends who ditch you on the say so of another friend really worth having?
• You say you were bullied yourself when you were young. Do you think you are a bit of a 'people pleaser'? There are lots and lots of self help books out there that you can get insight from on this.
• You did the right thing by addressing the bullying with the school, you were advocating for your daughter and you should be proud of that. Don't for a moment regret it, if it made these 'friends' show you their rue colours then it is a good thing.

It’s honestly knocked me for six and I’m devastated. I don’t deserve this.

You've done nothing wrong op. You tried to tell the mum about it and got nowhere, so you then had to go to the school. I'm afraid parents of bullies usually try and blame the other child and parent.

Be aware that on mumsnet threads, the occasional poster will be the mum of a bully themselves, so will try and blame you, just as they no doubt do when their child is called out for bullying.

Hope you find some better friends. Would asking for your dc to move class help? It can be a good idea if it removes your dc from the bully. Is there a library your dd can retreat to at break?

Also, I'm a very shy, kind person. Always been a bit of a pushover really, very nice to everyone.
Recently I've started to not really give a f. Speak my mind. Be vocal about things and not care what people think anymore.
I've noticed a remarkable difference in how nice people are being. Compliments (which were a non existent occurrence before), going out of their way to speak to me... it's been a revelation

Plus ça change. Bullies and their cronies hate it when the bully is called out.

They're freezing you out, take this as a sign that you did the right thing.

It doesn’t matter how old some women get they just want to be the mean girls at school and pick on someone.

You are better off without these bitches in your life.

You deserve better friends than those women.

I would

1. back my daughter
2. change schools
3. tell the bullies mums exactly what I think of them. If they are going to banish you give them a good reason to.

They are not good friends and they are all scared of her, and specifically which one of them will be frozen out next (because one of them inevitably will be).

Ask the form tutor where kids can go to escape bullies. Many schools have places kids can go that have adult supervision. If no luck with the form tutor ask the Head of Year or House. Then go higher.

Imagine how you'd feel in future if you'd said nothing to prioritise the friendships over protecting your dd. You definitely did the right thing

I had almost exactly this happen to me. One mums child was being bullied and we all stuck up for her poor kid until it was my childs turn to be the victim and the true colours came out. He was awful to my dd and it turned out he had been the bully in the other case too. I thought we were friends and so went to talk to her about it. I lost my whole group of friends that day. I have never spoken to them again. Its frustrating that I was nice to these people and they have treated me like that but I would rather have no friends than people like that pretending until I step out of line.

I don't think they see themselves as mean, they see the OP as mean. That's because their sense of self is so fragile that they are unable to deal with any criticism. The ability to take criticism depends mostly on how secure we feel about ourselves. It doesn't matter how constructive the criticism is, it will enrage women who have narc tendencies, which I am convinced the bully's mum has. They can dish it out but they can't take it. Like mother, like daughter.

Op, you're well rid. I agree with other posters, make yourself heard, tell them exactly what you think of them. And try to move your dd to another school.

Is there one of the friends that you feel would take the time to hear your side of things and tell you why they've all blocked you?