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Preteens

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Original poster

Bullied dd now her mother hates me

88 replies

Lostmum2407 · 23/05/2023 14:30

I’m so incredibly upset. My daughter is being bullied in high school by a ‘friend’. I know her mother very well. Her mother and 6 other women plus myself used to meet up regularly. My daughter has had issues with the girl who is bullying her for years. She told all of my daughters friends lies about her. My daughter is quiet and I feel this is why she is targeting her: to make herself look good. My daughter is extremely kind, bright and pretty. I know I sound biased being her mother but it’s the truth. She doesn’t have a nasty bone in her body. I can’t see any reason for her not to be liked. She has absolutely no friends now thanks to this bully. Anyway, a few years back I approached the bully’s mother when her daughter was bullying mine. I asked if she knew what was going on between the girls and she was immediately defensive. Her daughter denied doing anything to my daughter. My daughter is not a liar at all. Luckily it died down. Anyway, my daughter is being bullied by her again in Year 7. I didn’t want to speak to her mother/my friend as I knew she’d get defensive. I decided to contact the school. My daughter is crying daily and has absolutely no self confidence anymore. Thought I’d let the school sort it out. The school did nothing as they are both quiet girls and they didn’t believe the bully had done anything. She’s very sneaky. Even her own mother described her as ‘a Bitch’ a couple of months ago! She’s nasty to her sister at home. Well I noticed last week that I was being ignored on the mums group chat. It turns out they are all angry as I spoke to the school about this girl bullying my daughter. I have been banished from the group! I found out they’d met up without me! They were my best friends and I’m a really nice person. I was also bullied in school and I feel like I did back then when I had no friends. I have no idea what I have done wrong but they have now all blocked me. I just don’t know what to do. I feel all alone. My daughter knows what has happened so I’m having to try and act that I’m not bothered that my friends have ditched me. I just don’t understand why I’m being treated like this. 😔How can I move on from this?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 18:30

Littleworkaholic · 23/05/2023 18:00

Neither of us know this. The op says this girl bullies her daughter. The op also says the school didn’t find in her favour, last time, which to be fair a lot of schools are shit with bullying, but after she spoke to the mum last time it all died down.

I strongly suspect there is more to this than either the op knows or cares to admit about the two girls and their behaviour.

she said this woman was her best friend. They all were. Would you really not talk to your best friend about it? Because they were defensive a few years ago, so you’d just jump to telling the school and say nothing to your so called best friend?

if I genuinely considered someone my friend, my first stop would be them and as soon as it started.

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Well we do. They’ve excluded her without a word to her when it’s not even their child involved.

Its amusing that you think the op it out of order for not speaking to her friend, but that the other friends - not even involved in the situation - are not out of order for excluding her without speaking to her.

Original poster
Lostmum2407 · 23/05/2023 19:50

MumLass · 23/05/2023 15:23

@Lostmum2407 - I'm really sorry you are feeling this way but I think you need to focus on a couple of things:

  • are friends who ditch you on the say so of another friend really worth having?
  • You say you were bullied yourself when you were young. Do you think you are a bit of a 'people pleaser'? There are lots and lots of self help books out there that you can get insight from on this.
  • You did the right thing by addressing the bullying with the school, you were advocating for your daughter and you should be proud of that. Don't for a moment regret it, if it made these 'friends' show you their rue colours then it is a good thing.

I am a total people pleaser 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostmum2407 · 23/05/2023 19:52

her bully’s mother is the popular one so of course they’ve ditched me over her. Just makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lostmum2407 · 23/05/2023 19:53

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2023 16:35

You don't. But nor does your daughter. You need to tackle this together. Get out there, let her join some groups where she can make new friends and maybe it's an activity you can watch alongside other parents.

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Thanks for the advice. She’s not a sporty girl but has joined three after school clubs to help her meet some new people.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 23/05/2023 19:59

What form did the bullying take? Excluding your DD or something more serious?

There's no way I'd be getting involved and I certainly wouldn't have gone to the mum or the school if it was just excluding her.

They have to learnt to navigate this sort of thing themselves. What I mean is that the bullying would have to be more than just not inviting her somewhere or the girls having private chats without your DD.

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:02

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 18:30

Well we do. They’ve excluded her without a word to her when it’s not even their child involved.

Its amusing that you think the op it out of order for not speaking to her friend, but that the other friends - not even involved in the situation - are not out of order for excluding her without speaking to her.

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But the two things aren't the same.

OP chose not to speak to her supposed best friend about an issue between their daughters, and pleasantly surprised her best friend by reporting her child to the school for bullying instead.

The rest of the friendship group think that's pretty shitty of OP. It's actually nothing to do with the girls.

They have stepped away from her as a friend, as they believe a friend, particularly your best friend, should not behave like that. They haven't been nasty to her. They just don't want to engage with someone who thinks that's how "best" friends treat each other.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 23/05/2023 20:03

When bullying happens at school the school needs to know about it, especially if it involves more than one child, which it sounds like it does here. How is a parent supposed to stop their child bullying when they aren't present when it happens?

You did the right thing. Your DD is more important than these women, who are clearly not friends if they haven't even got the gumption to ask you what the hell is going on before cutting you off.

It really isn't a good idea to be friends with the parents of your DC's friends. Its either bullying or rows and it usually causes problems with the parents' friendships too.

Nobsandnockers · 23/05/2023 20:04

Call them out on it.

I see I have been excluded from this group and wondered why? I understand how isolated and alone my daughter feels now as I feel am being bullied too.

I went to the school because my child is being bullied by another child of a mother in this group. This has been going on for xx months and I can’t bear to see my child so upset and distressed every day. I have previously tried to sort this out with the mother, but she didn’t believe my daughter.

We all love our children, which one of you would not have done the same in my shoes?

Dacadactyl · 23/05/2023 20:06

Nobsandnockers · 23/05/2023 20:04

Call them out on it.

I see I have been excluded from this group and wondered why? I understand how isolated and alone my daughter feels now as I feel am being bullied too.

I went to the school because my child is being bullied by another child of a mother in this group. This has been going on for xx months and I can’t bear to see my child so upset and distressed every day. I have previously tried to sort this out with the mother, but she didn’t believe my daughter.

We all love our children, which one of you would not have done the same in my shoes?

For me it would depend on what the bullying actually was as to whether I'd go in all guns blazing or not.

Being excluded from things isn't necessarily bullying, unless it's part of a wider pattern IMO. However, I'm fairly sure other people could view this as bullying.

Sandylanes69 · 23/05/2023 20:07

FartSock5000 · 23/05/2023 15:17

@Lostmum2407 The only way to stop a bully is to fight back. Both of you.

Stop being meek and wishing the issue away.

You demand a meeting with the Head and you get angry. You demand safeguarding and action be taken.

You should also post all over Social Media about this and how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You shame your ex friend for her behaviour too.

It may be worth reaching out to the other friends one by one and letting them know what is going on so they get both sides but be prepared to lose them all as bullies thrive with an audience.

Send you DD to karate or self defense or even boxing. Once she learns how to stand up for herself, its easier to talk back and not be afraid she will get a beating.

The school will do absolutely nothing and unless you stand up for yourselves, you'll be a target now and in the future.

Chill, Mussolini!

gamerchick · 23/05/2023 20:08

Lostmum2407 · 23/05/2023 15:18

I just can’t believe I’ve lost all my friends because of this. My daughter was bullied yet I get punished! I feel like nobody ever likes me but I’m a kind person. A good friend who always listens and I’d do anything for anyone. Feel like ending it all 😭

THEY WEREN'T YOUR FRIENDs OP. I apologise for shouting but you need a serious rattle.

Why did you go back after the last time your kid was bullied? These people are toxic and they've done you a favour.

You need to step up and protect your kid. Now the bully has seen what her mother is capable of it's going to get worse.

Go to the school and demand they sort out their safeguarding or there will be further steps. Forget about the twats. They're not worth it.

You welcome them back with open arms, you'll be teaching your kid something she shouldn't learn. Get a hold of yourself and find your anger. How dare they.

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:09

I have previously tried to sort this out with the mother, but she didn’t believe my daughter.

No. Years ago, at a young primary age, OP had a problem, spoke to the mother, and the mother thought it was just "kids being kids." Could well have been. We don't know.

But that was years ago.

That's not the excuse to use as to why you couldn't speak to your "best friend" before reporting her daughter to the school.

Grimbelina · 23/05/2023 20:10

I am at a loss why you have allowed this to go on for years. Did you not go to the school when it began and demand they sort it out? It almost reads that have put your relationship with these women - also bullies it seems - before your daughter's wellbeing.

You need to be extremely clear and persistent with the school and if they do not deal with it, follow your school's complaints procedure and take it to governors, OFSTED if necessary. Your daughter needs you to model how we deal with bullying... and it isn't by staying friends with a persistent bully's mother.

Starlightstarbright1 · 23/05/2023 20:25

Well good news it is year 7 so you don’t have to stand on the playground with them .

if bullying is continuing ask school to follow anti bullying policy - look at moving tutor groups if the girl is in her tutor.

Year 7 is a good time to start to find yourself. Try a new hubby , exercise class - do you work ? Get out get some friends for those who truly appreciate you .

ime friends rarely last between parents of bullying child and victim and I absolutely would of contacted the school in your situation . It is a school issue

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:26

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:02

But the two things aren't the same.

OP chose not to speak to her supposed best friend about an issue between their daughters, and pleasantly surprised her best friend by reporting her child to the school for bullying instead.

The rest of the friendship group think that's pretty shitty of OP. It's actually nothing to do with the girls.

They have stepped away from her as a friend, as they believe a friend, particularly your best friend, should not behave like that. They haven't been nasty to her. They just don't want to engage with someone who thinks that's how "best" friends treat each other.

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Shunning someone without even speaking to them to find out their side or what’s going on is nasty in my book.

Thats not what friends do in my world. You don’t jump on one side of things without even a word to the other.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:27

Lostmum2407 · 23/05/2023 19:52

her bully’s mother is the popular one so of course they’ve ditched me over her. Just makes me feel like shit.

just remember this when the next one of them is shunned from the group and is looking to reignite your friendship.

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:31

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:26

Shunning someone without even speaking to them to find out their side or what’s going on is nasty in my book.

Thats not what friends do in my world. You don’t jump on one side of things without even a word to the other.

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But that's what OP did.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/05/2023 20:32

Starlightstarbright1 · 23/05/2023 20:25

Well good news it is year 7 so you don’t have to stand on the playground with them .

if bullying is continuing ask school to follow anti bullying policy - look at moving tutor groups if the girl is in her tutor.

Year 7 is a good time to start to find yourself. Try a new hubby , exercise class - do you work ? Get out get some friends for those who truly appreciate you .

ime friends rarely last between parents of bullying child and victim and I absolutely would of contacted the school in your situation . It is a school issue

Try a new hubby 🤣
It would take your mind off things I suppose

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:44

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:31

But that's what OP did.

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Not to the friends not involved she didn’t.

Which is the point I was making and you jumped on…

She dealt with a school related issue between her DD and one persons DD.

The other friends have nothing to do with that and haven’t even spoken to her to so much as ask if it happened and how/why. It’s nothing all to do with them.

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:45

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:44

Not to the friends not involved she didn’t.

Which is the point I was making and you jumped on…

She dealt with a school related issue between her DD and one persons DD.

The other friends have nothing to do with that and haven’t even spoken to her to so much as ask if it happened and how/why. It’s nothing all to do with them.

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If you thought someone had treated your friend badly, you don't think it's within your right to distance yourself from that person?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:49

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:45

If you thought someone had treated your friend badly, you don't think it's within your right to distance yourself from that person?

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And if your friend is being accused of doing something you don’t think it’s basic manners to speak to them before engaging in a group blocking?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:51

If someone cuts you off on the say so of someone else, without even speaking to you to check it’s true and the full story, then they’re not your friend.

RemainAtHome · 23/05/2023 20:53

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 20:31

But that's what OP did.

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Not it’s not.

The issue is between the two girls. Not the two mothers.
Its happening at school, not at home.

What do you think talking to the mum would have done? The dd would obviously have maintained to her mum she did nothing wrong and then what??
And that’s on the top of the da t there is history there and its clear the mum wasn’t going to not support her dd.
This is a school issue and needs to be dealt with by and at school.

RemainAtHome · 23/05/2023 20:54

The question fir @Lostmum2407 is why did you stay friends with this mum? Historically she doesn’t seem to have been a nice person. She has been happy to let her dd bully yours.
Why did you stay in that group? (Apart from the people lease stuff yu we’re mentioning earlier in)

InceyWinceySpidy · 23/05/2023 21:04

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/05/2023 20:49

And if your friend is being accused of doing something you don’t think it’s basic manners to speak to them before engaging in a group blocking?

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The friend wasn't being accused of anything.

OP isn't accused of anything, she actually did it.

If my best friend was here, with her child. And after I noticed I couldn't find my gold necklace. Then my "pretty, clever, never lies" DD said the other child took it.

Do I a) call my best friend and ask if perhaps child has picked up my necklace, could she please check as DD seems to think she may have

b) say nothing, and call the police.

I can always do option b after a, if necessary at that point. But OP did the equivalent of jump to b. With her alleged best friend.

And can't fathom why anyone could possibly think this behaviour is not what they consider friendly, and have dropped the friendship. If someone calling themselves my best friend did that to me, I would feel utterly betrayed. It's actually got nothing to do with whether the child actually took the necklace, that's a separate issue, to be dealt with separately. It's the way the adult behaved. It's not bullying. It's saying, this is not how I want to be treated by a friend, so I'll distance myself from that person.