Bullied dd now her mother hates me

[Lostmum2407]

I’m so incredibly upset. My daughter is being bullied in high school by a ‘friend’. I know her mother very well. Her mother and 6 other women plus myself used to meet up regularly. My daughter has had issues with the girl who is bullying her for years. She told all of my daughters friends lies about her. My daughter is quiet and I feel this is why she is targeting her: to make herself look good. My daughter is extremely kind, bright and pretty. I know I sound biased being her mother but it’s the truth. She doesn’t have a nasty bone in her body. I can’t see any reason for her not to be liked. She has absolutely no friends now thanks to this bully. Anyway, a few years back I approached the bully’s mother when her daughter was bullying mine. I asked if she knew what was going on between the girls and she was immediately defensive. Her daughter denied doing anything to my daughter. My daughter is not a liar at all. Luckily it died down. Anyway, my daughter is being bullied by her again in Year 7. I didn’t want to speak to her mother/my friend as I knew she’d get defensive. I decided to contact the school. My daughter is crying daily and has absolutely no self confidence anymore. Thought I’d let the school sort it out. The school did nothing as they are both quiet girls and they didn’t believe the bully had done anything. She’s very sneaky. Even her own mother described her as ‘a Bitch’ a couple of months ago! She’s nasty to her sister at home. Well I noticed last week that I was being ignored on the mums group chat. It turns out they are all angry as I spoke to the school about this girl bullying my daughter. I have been banished from the group! I found out they’d met up without me! They were my best friends and I’m a really nice person. I was also bullied in school and I feel like I did back then when I had no friends. I have no idea what I have done wrong but they have now all blocked me. I just don’t know what to do. I feel all alone. My daughter knows what has happened so I’m having to try and act that I’m not bothered that my friends have ditched me. I just don’t understand why I’m being treated like this. 😔How can I move on from this?

Once people start making silly comparisons I’m out.

OP isn't accused of anything, she actually did it.

They don’t know exactly what she did, why, after what thought, if she tried to approach the other mum etc as they haven’t bothered to ask.

They’ve taken the bullies Mum’s words, assumed them to be accurate and fair and excluded as a group. That’s not what friends do in my world.

If someone calling themselves my best friend did that to me, I would feel utterly betrayed.

And again - the post you jumped on was about the other friends not the bully’s mum. So totally not a relevant comparison.

@TanukiMario stupid woman.

Agreed. If it's someone you don't know especially well.

This is apparently OP's best friend. (All 6 of them were)

How weird is it to chat daily, go for lunches, but say nothing, then go and report her daughter to the school. Proverbially smiling over sandwiches, all the time knowing after lunch you'd be reporting her child for bullying.

That's not a person I'd consider a friend. I imagine the whole group is shocked.

These people aren’t your friends. Maybe try to look at it positively in that you have now realised this and it frees you up to find some new, proper friends.

What are you banging on about? Somehow, the rest of the group aren't allowed to witness what they perceive as poor behaviour and distance themselves from it... because it wasn't directly then the behaviour was aimed at?

If someone treated my friend poorly, I am capable of deciding whether I want to continue engaging with that person. If I don't want too, it doesn't make me a bully.

cutting off friends on the say so of others - without even speaking to them so not even knowing their side - is shitty behaviour.

You clearly have a stake in this game so I’m definitely out now. Go jump on someone else

This is why i meant on page one ;) you said it better than me.
Obviously the other mum is not reacting very well either. But i can see both sides here.

This is ridiculous. ‘Caused trouble for them’ so what? Her daughter is being bullied. She has spoken to the mum previously, that got her nowhere so why shouldn’t she take the next course of action which is to speak to the school about protecting her DD from being bullied .
My Daughter being bullied would be more of a priority than going behind the back of someone that has had chance to previously sort it but chose not to.

But it's not say so. No misinterpretation.

It's a physical action that OP took.

By all means bow out because there's no way round that.

Lostmum - I'm no expert on any of this and can only go on what you've put in your posts, which is obviously limited and from one perspective only, but a couple of things really jumped out at me. There's a lot of muddling between what's happening to your DD and what's happening to you and your emotional reaction is extreme. Understandably so because it's deeply unpleasant, but it suggests you've over invested in this friendship circle and don't have much in the way of alternatives.

You have repeatedly written about how you and your daughter don't deserve this because you are kind etc. I may be way off the mark but were there issues in your family growing up? It sounds like you've internalised the "if I just try harder to be perfect they won't treat me like this' mentality. Unfortunately, it doesn't work and is easily exploited by bullies. It can also be perceived by others as irritatingly needy.

You need to be yourself, comfortable in the fact that you're decent but human and imperfect, and put strong boundaries in place regardless. If this keeps happening to you, and/or your daughter, it is never your fault but it is a pattern of behaviour that will keep repeating unless you take steps to identify what you can do differently to protect yourself. Bullies are always going to bully. All you can do is make yourself an unsuitable target. Modelling this behaviour is the best response you can provide for your child. 💐

Ridiculous! As others have said it happens at school let the school sort it out

Posted too soon

Also - op spoke to the mother before and nothing happened- why would she go back to her.

Leave them to it - easier said than done but you don't want these people as friends.

Hope you feel better about the whole situation soon