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Preteens

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Original poster

Parents have a sexlife:The Horror

68 replies

SophiaLarsen · 10/04/2023 11:54

DD is 12. She until recently did the presuming thing that we (mum and dad) don't have sex. Then she's gradually realised it happens but a few months ago discovered some sexy lingerie in our room and flipped out. Total tantrum. Said it was disgusting etc etc. DH was a superstar and had a really good talk with her about private spaces and adults do have sex but we don't talk about it etc. I.E you try not to imagine your friends doing it.

Roll forward to today, she discovered some other stuff DH had bought me. She was home alone for 20 mins whilst we popped out with the dogs. Now screaming at me and DH. Disgusting, how could we. Etc etc. She's also cut it up.

This Easter has been a drip feed of snips and arguments and I successfully banned YouTube shorts earlier in the week as I was convinced that was making her behaviour worse and it's helped. However, this is different. I know it's different but I bring up the snipping and arguments to show how now I feel very worn out and feel like I have had enough. Would just like to go out for the day to be honest but that would be leaving DH with the little puritan we have created upstairs.

Can anyone please please help with some wise words? WineWine

OP posts:
RollingInTheCreek · 10/04/2023 11:58

I would be matter of fact. Your father has spoken to you about it- adults have sex. If you go through our things and find stuff you don’t like, more fool you. Destroying your property is unacceptable- make her pay for a replacement or suitable punishment (removal of privileges etc).
In a quieter moment have a chat and explain you understand it makes her uncomfortable, that’s normal but she can’t kick off the other you got normal adult behaviour.

frazzledasarock · 10/04/2023 12:01

She’s going through your things in your room whilst you’re out and destroying your property?

make her pay you back for the cost of the items destroyed out of her pocket money and put a lock on your door.

Ask her how she’d like it if you went rummaging around in her room.

MintJulia · 10/04/2023 12:03

She cut it up ! That's a pretty extreme reaction.

Is she imagining something far worse than the reality? Has she seen some extreme porn at school and thinks that's what's happening while she is asleep? Is she frightened for you?

Have you tried having a word quietly when her df isn't there, and explaining that all ages have sex but it's private and normal, by mutual consent, and nothing like porn.

Easterdays · 10/04/2023 12:10

The cutting up is not right. There is some more to this, she must be frightened or worried that perhaps DH is hurting you etc..

Throwaway0323 · 10/04/2023 12:17

I would be livid she has been through your things and cut them up.

I would remove something of hers that she loves as punishment. (Not to destroy it).

You are not to blame if she gets upset by things she finds rummaging through your room!

shutthewindownow · 10/04/2023 12:19

It's horrible thinking about your mum and dad having sex and it's probably made her feel wierd and unsettled. Snooping in your room is not acceptable and you need to tell her if she does this again she will have a serious consequence. The rest of it I would just ignore and carry on as usual don't entertain any stroppy behaviour from her send her to her room or you go out and leave her to it.

cloudonego · 10/04/2023 12:25

How is she finding these things?

Wishona · 10/04/2023 12:29

Get a lock for your door and a catch for the inside. Try and make sure she’s asleep. Think about where you dry underwear (I always do a sweep before mine have friends over 🙂)

However, I would have a very stern word with mine if they damaged anything of mine, it’s totally inappropriate.

I assume you are discrete? Do you give her privacy? Maybe have a discussion about it being a two way street. Let her know you have angry, but maybe also hurt and embarrassed. The same emotions she might feel.

I’d buy her a few books on sex and relationships and tell her to ask if she wants anything clarifying. I do this for mine when they’re year 5 age. No big fan fare just stick a few books in their sock drawer 🙂

RedLem0nade · 10/04/2023 12:31

I’m not sure if this is helpful or not- I’m not at the teenage stage yet but I think this is a really good resource to help talk to kids about healthy, loving relationships so some of it might be relevant.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/5bd51a0324a69425bd079b59/1540692500558/mcc_the_talk_final.pdf

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/5bd51a0324a69425bd079b59/1540692500558/mcc_the_talk_final.pdf

itsgettingweird · 10/04/2023 12:31

I'm always on the side of having firm boundaries.

But something isn't quite right here.

She went snooping so I imagine it was to find stuff on purpose.

She destroyed it.

Most kids hate the idea of their parents having sex.

But this is extreme.

It concerns me she's either watched something or have been a victim of sexual abuse.

First things first i'd sit her down and ask her why it bothers her so much you have sex. What does she think will happen? Why do the lingerie and any sex guys etc bother her?

JustDudeIt · 10/04/2023 12:31

That’s extreme behaviour from her. I’d be quite worried to be honest.

Most kids would be embarrassed and low-level disgusted at the thought of their parents having sex, but tantrums, going through your stuff and destroying your things is…another level entirely.

Could you both talk to her when she is calm about what is going on?

BombasticSideEye · 10/04/2023 12:35

Is she generally quite young for her age? Are there other things that she has disproportionate responses to? 12 is pretty old to have such an extreme reaction to this. What level of sex ed had she had at school and/or at home?

AnneWhittle · 10/04/2023 12:35

yes, this is an extreme response
I think she needs some consequences (for the invasion of privacy and the destruction of your belongings)- but in a calm matter of fact way- and also some gentle conversations about why this is so upsetting for her.

StopStartStop · 10/04/2023 12:36

'My sex life is not your business.' And take money for the replacement items from her savings or pocket money.
'You have been looking through my things. That is unacceptable. Never do it again.'
Don't be 'hurt and embarrassed'. She just doesn't know your boundaries, doesn't realise that as a child (even a very precious one) she is not including in your adult relationship, which is private. Be clear and firm.

OriGanOver · 10/04/2023 12:37

Not accusing your DH

But - it's almost like she's jealous of you and why did dh talk to her about sex and not you?

Somethings off OP.

HeadacheEarthquake · 10/04/2023 12:41

Have you asked her how she thinks she got here in the first place...

GretaGood · 10/04/2023 12:49

Has she recently started periods - is she coping ok?

Original poster
SophiaLarsen · 10/04/2023 12:50

Thank you all so much. Normal sex ed at school that they have informed us of content. No exposure to porn that I am aware of. High settings on internet security at home. At an all girls school. No indicators of abuse and she's very open about any health issues etc but basically a massive prude. She's said she feels sad that we 'have to use that kind of stuff'.

Pointed out it's not all the time, is part of healthy sex life. She's actually now quite accepting when DH has explained to her and also about privacy - thank you all for the very helpful advice on that. I've also spoken to her about destroying of others' property and that this is unacceptable. DH also added that this was a good life lesson so she knows in the future not to destroy a partner's stuff no matter if she is angry.

This was not snooping. I hung it up to dry in my bathroom behind a robe. She'd misplaced her dressing gown robe and went to my bathroom and took the one off my gown and in doing so the gown fell off the peg revealing the drying underwear.

She then proceeded to cut it up. I've also spoken to her about feeling worn down by the constant snippiness. Ironically, she gets on very well with me but constantly snipes at DH (which I am finding so draining right now). However on this big ticket item she can cope with him talking through it but not me. Possibly a pedestal issue!

To answer other questions, yea she gets privacy. We always knock on her door and wait for her to say we can come in. We absolutely never go through her stuff unless she asks for help with organising and tidying.

In the total opposite of this incident, she went into my knicker drawer the other week in the presence of her friend whilst looking for socks apparently and pulled out my Bridget Jones pants and was laughing hysterically at them.

Feel like getting a safe for all my underwear, granny pants and all....

OP posts:
Original poster
SophiaLarsen · 10/04/2023 12:52

She's totally aware of sex, reproduction and periods. Not got hers yet. Actually normally quite self-possessed and looks much more put together than I did at the same age. Now annoyingly similar to me in height etc she's started nicking my clothes. So that's a good place to set more boundaries in general I think. No taking or going through ANY of my clothes.

OP posts:
Original poster
SophiaLarsen · 10/04/2023 12:55

RedLem0nade · 10/04/2023 12:31

I’m not sure if this is helpful or not- I’m not at the teenage stage yet but I think this is a really good resource to help talk to kids about healthy, loving relationships so some of it might be relevant.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5b7c56e255b02c683659fe43/t/5bd51a0324a69425bd079b59/1540692500558/mcc_the_talk_final.pdf

Thank you so much! I will go through this and use it as a handrail for discussing healthy relationships.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 12:56

but basically a massive prude
That's seriously what you're taking from her behaviour?! Something is massively off here, op.

WeWereInParis · 10/04/2023 13:05

In the total opposite of this incident, she went into my knicker drawer the other week in the presence of her friend whilst looking for socks

Looking through your knicker drawer with a friend?? She needs to firmly be told it's not acceptable to go through your things. I'd be locking my door if she was taking friends in to look through my underwear, or cutting up things she found.

DigitalTranny · 10/04/2023 13:13

This is not normal behaviour, it is vile. If I were you I would put her in her place with a good bollocking.
She is not exactly 6, she is 12 years old. At this age everybody knows already how babies are made, and aware how their parents produced them. What did she think? That she hatched from a stork egg?
Is she otherwise intelligent? Because this is downright dumb.

unclebuck · 10/04/2023 13:16

I'd go fucking berserk if my child went in my room with her friend and was looking in my drawers. She's acting like a controlling bully.
I'd be pointing out she exists because we have sex and instilling some very firm boundaries.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 10/04/2023 13:23

I'm another one thinking something sounds off too. It's completely normal for kids her age to be disgusted about their parents having sex but in more of a "that's gross" kind of a way. Her reaction is extreme & something must be driving it.

I think you need to talk to her and really try to find out why she is traumatised by it. Don't even focus on the invasion of privacy and damage to property for now, they are side issues &a manifestion of her feelings. Understandng her feelings is the primary concern & needs to be the priority.

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