Parents have a sexlife:The Horror

[SophiaLarsen]

DD is 12. She until recently did the presuming thing that we (mum and dad) don't have sex. Then she's gradually realised it happens but a few months ago discovered some sexy lingerie in our room and flipped out. Total tantrum. Said it was disgusting etc etc. DH was a superstar and had a really good talk with her about private spaces and adults do have sex but we don't talk about it etc. I.E you try not to imagine your friends doing it.

Roll forward to today, she discovered some other stuff DH had bought me. She was home alone for 20 mins whilst we popped out with the dogs. Now screaming at me and DH. Disgusting, how could we. Etc etc. She's also cut it up.

This Easter has been a drip feed of snips and arguments and I successfully banned YouTube shorts earlier in the week as I was convinced that was making her behaviour worse and it's helped. However, this is different. I know it's different but I bring up the snipping and arguments to show how now I feel very worn out and feel like I have had enough. Would just like to go out for the day to be honest but that would be leaving DH with the little puritan we have created upstairs.

Can anyone please please help with some wise words?

Wow, this all seems a bit unusual. The freedom which she seems to walk into your bedroom, to borrow
or look for something sounds like lack of boundaries.
The whole sex thing almost sounds like she feels like she should have a say in her parents sex life, which seems odd, to say the least.

You have cherry picked one line as my only takeaway. You will have read I have taken away about reinforcing boundaries, privacy, all the positive advice I have received and the leaflet about positive relationships.

She's not a bully. She's a very nice girl but also a really annoying preteen. Nothing else going on in her life. She lives in very fortunate circumstances but is also an only child.

You don’t seem to have given her any boundaries, she should not be in your bedroom.
She should not be looking in your drawers. She most certainly should not be screaming at you or calling you names.
Teach her about boundaries, that she should not be snooping and that the only reason she exists is because she is the product of sex between you and your husband.

Nobody really wants to think of their parents having sex, but she clearly deliberately went poking around in your room in 20 minutes alone, then destroyed your property which is absolutely unacceptable.

If it was me, I'd be installing a lock, giving her less privacy until she learns her lesson, no pocket money until you're repaid for damages and certainly not being trusted again alone in the house for the foreseeable, 20 minutes or otherwise. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.

I'd be digging deep to find out what's behind her extraordinary behaviour. She sounds disturbed.

This sounds like there's something you need to get to the bottom of. She's at an age where her mind and sexuality are developing and you need to make sure she's coping and not developing hang-ups.

All teenagers cringe about the idea of their parents being intimate but your daughter's reaction sounds extreme.

Going through your things is something you need to address too but it's not the main issue.

Maybe if you can afford it consider a therapy session, either just her or as a family? If you can't get her to be honest with you about what's going on it might be necessary.

Or maybe it's time to have a discreet chat with her school. No need to go into specifics- just let them know she's acting up at home and you're wondering if her teachers have noticed anything.

She's a very nice girl but also a really annoying preteen. Nothing else going on in her life. She lives in very fortunate circumstances but is also an only child.

Nice girls don't go into your bedroom with friends and root through your underwear drawer and laugh at your pants. Nor do they tantrum at the idea of you having sex. She needs boundaries and to get some respect for you.

I'm afraid your DD has either been watching porn, or been shown it, on friends phones.. Like many teen boys, she now has no clue what normal consensual sex is. She thinks the norm is violent, painful, rape fantasy, non- consensual anal and oral etc, piss and shit games etc. Especially if you're "dressing up" .

The ubiquity of porn in school may be related to why so many girls are "identifying" as boys, or asexual. I shudder to think what these kids think their first BF/GF will expect of their early sexual encounters ; there are going to be some very seriously messed up youngsters

Is it possible she’s seen some pornography with mates and is traumatised by that? She may have the idea that it’s normal sex and is upset by it.

Its a very extreme reaction so I think you need to dig into what is behind it. Also
'DH was a superstar and had a really good talk with her about private spaces and adults do have sex but we don't talk about it etc. I.E you try not to imagine your friends doing it.' you are kind of making it seem like sex is shameful and must be kept a secret and hidden so it is making me wonder about the dynamic in your family - does that mean when she is a teen with questions about sex she will feel she can't talk to you?

Thanks all. I've had a talk to see if anything else going on. Nothing. I am confident in this and she definitely has not seen porn.

I don't have a problem with her being in our bedroom and she did not poke around for 20 mins she found it by accident. However I still have discussed boundaries as you've said the knicker drawer thing is unacceptable.

I do most of the talking about anything sex related and she asks questions etc but when she's flipped out about this being in her eyes, not natural, DH did a better job than me. But we delivered it together and sat down with her.

If my daughter cut up my stuff I'd go mad, that's not acceptable no matter what it is.

It doesn't sound like nothing, sorry.

Lock your bedroom door.
If one of my children had behaved like that they wouldn't have bloody sit down for a week

My DD is also 12. She often comes into our bed in the morning at the weekend. Recently she found an (unused, packaged) condom sticking out from under dh's pillow. She started to say "what's this?" While holding it up to look at. She then realised what it was, pushed it back under dh's pillow and has never mentioned it since.

If she had started making a huge fuss or called us disgusting I would have told her in no uncertain terms to wind her neck in. We are allowed to have sex in our own room, and she is a "guest" in it. If she is offended by her parents living each other, she can stay out of our space.

*loving each other

Apologies if this is wrong but she seems jealous. Maybe she thinks of the three of you being ‘equal’? Have you brought her up as being your friend rather than your child?(I know some people do). It’s almost as if she’s realised you two do things on your own and that she’s somehow been left out?

Is she an only child?

Yes OP said she is.

It is very painful to face reality that your parents have a life that doesn't include you.

I think for only children it can really feel like you are a threesome of equals. It sounds like your DD has come face to face with a reality she's managed to avoid having for quite a while.

I think if you have a sibling close in age it can help to create more of a feeling that "they" are the parents and "we" are the children - you aren't on your own in being left out of the parental world so it helps you to bear it and you have your own buddy at your level (much as you may fight with them).

But if you're an only, to face facts means accepting you're alone.

Really strong reaction on her part.
Stop with the talks. You’ve done that, gotten the message across as much as possible. The last thing she’ll want is another ‘healthy parent sex talk’. You’ve done enough. Not having a go, I promise. But there’s likely more at play here.

For some reason, sex is very triggering for her.
Secondary school is a feral place. I think so many boundaries are eroded and it can be a very sexualised environment for years 7-9. I know that my daughter absolutely struggled with this. Loads of boys watching porn, talking about porn, calling out to girls that they want to suck their tits/ gimme milk, mummy… shit like that. A boy texted my DD last week (a friend of her friend in the Netherlands mind! He took friend’s phone and wrote all sorts of lewd, sexual stuff). It totally affected her. She was in a rage until she confided in me about the texts. Most of our daughters spend the early years of secondary sexually harassed in a sort of normalised/low level manner. I have no doubt in my mind that your daughter is exposed to all sorts of sexualised chatter at school. And your child may never view porn but so many kids are exposed to all sorts and they bring their shit into school. They use it in their language and in their approach to friends. It’s awful. Pervasive. It’s such a terribly tough age and a tough time to be a tween.
11-13 is the hardest time, imo.

Depends what she found I guess?

Don't see why she should be in your room (with her friends) at all.

So is not surprising she's very cross and upset. She probably feels betrayed as up to now she's maintained the fantasy that you're a group of three, really.

I think you need to be firm whilst also mindful that is very painful for her. I don't think it's prudishness so much as a realisation that she is excluded.

I wouldn't allow her to go through your stuff and destroy it. I would tell her that if anything like that happens again there will be serious consequences.

I would also keep the bedroom door shut. Literally and metaphorically. I would not allow her in without asking, and I would refrain from sharing any details of your private life that go beyond normal sex Ed stuff.

So if she has a general query about sex, fine. If she wants to know how often you and DH have sex, close that door and tell her it is none of her business.

I’m just going to add, OP, that our children are experiencing childhood in the most hyper sexual environment I’ve ever witnessed. Social media and easy access to all sorts of stuff they shouldn’t see has changed the playground and upped the ante for parents. Even if your daughter never views such material, she’s in a high school setting where loads of kids do.

So your normal mum and dad sex with a bit of sexy time lingerie has become part of that ‘nasty, big, bad cauldron of stuff’ she hears at school/perhaps sees online. She doesn’t understand the difference between mum and dad gettin’ their love on and John the prick in Form C shouting lewd, sexual comments to his mates down the corridor. It’s all one and the same because she’s 12.

Look through her phone and see what her group chats are like and what friends talk about too.