Parents have a sexlife:The Horror

[SophiaLarsen]

DD is 12. She until recently did the presuming thing that we (mum and dad) don't have sex. Then she's gradually realised it happens but a few months ago discovered some sexy lingerie in our room and flipped out. Total tantrum. Said it was disgusting etc etc. DH was a superstar and had a really good talk with her about private spaces and adults do have sex but we don't talk about it etc. I.E you try not to imagine your friends doing it.

Roll forward to today, she discovered some other stuff DH had bought me. She was home alone for 20 mins whilst we popped out with the dogs. Now screaming at me and DH. Disgusting, how could we. Etc etc. She's also cut it up.

This Easter has been a drip feed of snips and arguments and I successfully banned YouTube shorts earlier in the week as I was convinced that was making her behaviour worse and it's helped. However, this is different. I know it's different but I bring up the snipping and arguments to show how now I feel very worn out and feel like I have had enough. Would just like to go out for the day to be honest but that would be leaving DH with the little puritan we have created upstairs.

Can anyone please please help with some wise words?

Cutting your underwear up isn't okay. There's more to this than her being a prude.

I wouldn't let it go.

OK. .. so....this is as much of a you issue as tis her.I really am not tryna attack you so ..
rather than jump to abused\trauma\porn\trigger (which i admit hit me hard as it really wasnt a first thought response/i should be mindful of this/)
or execute you for not having strict privacy rules co never been issue\nothing to hide(normality as family life)
preteen=12
only child\all girls school\charming life all fab - but paints pic of a (rare sadly)fairly innocent 12yo. undoubtably as preeteen as rest of em so all sortsa changes kicking in.
Tho extreme(and on account of level of unacceptable-i real would have to impose consequences of destroy things) Its actual tantrum behaviour. in some ways tho bloody nusiance- keeps the issue real time and demands being dealt with.
rather than not cut up stuff\scream atchu and silentlyseeth whilst distorting childish perception s that will drag her into adulthood)...
childish iss key. shes really just a wee girl. Knows inappropriate for her to be any sorta involved in parents sexlife , doesnt want to be.reject whatchu dont understand style....at least you know what your up against.
to be honest-even with boundaries n restricted access all areas-if u out wi dogs/dressing gown situation occured its still gony have happened.
aam wittering. the STAND outs for me is worn out/had nuf.snips n arguements
(you and her?you in dh ?) whats that look like?
really annoying preteen.... whats that? really annoying how? (i dont mean they arent)whats annoying you with it?

might be time take a minute n catch up.in only child set up-i felt a loss(not like grieving but...clearly a definite shift in development -took a bit of adjusting to) ...BUT .. whats with the little puritan weve created??? if gony be snidey thats not puritan thats judge\jury\executioner psycho.(ish)
.but..thats snipping.are you s bad as she is for it? ...most of very all
"would like to go out for the day but that would leave dh with her for the day"
(i got here)

up page dh -superstar. seems navigate akward situations in calm non confrontational manner
why cant you disappear all day? ?

Your child is seriously lacking in appropriate boundaries and I wonder if she's ever been properly disciplined. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable. It's unhinged, honestly. Nothing about her actions, or your response to them, is normal.

There should be massive consequences for violating your privacy and destroying your property.

I would be concerned that she has seen something untoward or abused to be honest to have this extreme reaction.

I'm sorry to be harsh here;your DD sounds as though she's use to ruling the roost and expecting what she says goes.

She's 12 so obviously going through puberty and her hormones are raging so understandably is creeped out by the thoughts of you and your husband not only having sex but actually daring to enjoy it too;she obviously thinks that adults only should have sex to make a baby.

I'm seeing little respect for you and DH and massive boundary pushing.

Get a lock for your door that you can lock from the outside;she can't be trusted not to go in there.

She also needs a suitable punishment for vandalising your clothing.What she did was appalling.

There needs to be a very clear and firm chat about her not getting to dictate what goes on in your home.

Can I ask what's she like at school/with her peers?;is she a queen bee?

I think you are right.

Nothing horrific. Not like she stumbled upon a bondage basement. Just a sexy bodysuit.

Thank you. Good advice and yea, definitely have never overshared.

Thank you. Very good points.

DH and DD get on well and also snipe at each other a lot. DD and I get on very well and rarely snipe. The last week has been more of me stuck in middle. DH not always calm but can deal well with big stuff. We share out the parenting equally, good and bad.

I don't find her annoying as the majority of the time. The majority of the time she's great but you are right that there is this transition to teen going on!

She doesn't rule the roost. That's the odd thing about this today and it flummoxed me, hence posting on here.

No she's not queen bee. Often gets described by teachers as 'quirky'.

She's very much a 'rules help control the fun' type of person. We sometimes marvel about how rule bound she can be (stand aside the boundary issue!) it can result in inflexibility and trouble thinking around a problem.

Absolutely nothing safeguardingy going on. The previous posters talking about being part of a team of 3 and realising it's not all as a team hits the nail on the head I think. A developmental point just like when you're a baby and you realise your mum can leave the room. However, yes extreme reaction and why I sought out helpful advice which I have received here. Thank you so much everyone.

All much better now. Equilibrium restored. Boundaries reset. Appropriate punishment for the clothes destroying.

Op, I think your daughter reacts so strongly because she’s jealous that her dad has a part of you that she doesn’t.

Good point. He wasn't around much for the first 4 years of her life due to his work. Those formative years of just me and her mostly must have had a sizeable impact.

Your few comments surrounding “prudeness” and “rules” and “quirky” stood out to me and made me wonder… is there a chance that some ND (Neuro Divergence) could be going on at all?

That and the extreme reactions by most people standards
And the boundary issue.

I think for only children it can really feel like you are a threesome of equals. It sounds like your DD has come face to face with a reality she's managed to avoid having for quite a while.

Even worse (I am an only child!), the child can end up feeling they are the pivot around whom the parents revolve, so literally the most important person in the threesome.

or the reverse

She should not be in your room going through your stuff, 12 years old or not she should know better, unless you left it lying about.

@RheneasAndSkarloey I can guarantee you that your DD will never again mention the condom and will be trying to rid her brain of the fact that you use them (which is a normal reaction)