Changing her name - to something stupid

[Namechange1011111stairs]

13yr old daughter. Her name isn't common but you'll have heard of it. FWIW MN generally approve when it comes up so it's nothing crazy. There are a few different spellings of it and in our naivity we went for one of the less common (but not made up!) spellings. It's one letter difference but is regularly spelt wrong.

She's has suddenly gone from loving her name to hating it,purely because of the spelling. She now wants to be called something else. She doesn't want to use the common spelling, one of the many nicknames or her middle name. Instead she has chosen a really, really stupid name! It's a word that could be a name but absolutely isn't. Think Spotlight or Plant.

Her changing her name makes me sad but we will support her if that's what she wants to do. However, I really don't want to use the name she has chosen because it's just ridiculous. She's absolutely set on it. I don't think she's just attention seeking with it. She told us today that she's been using it at school for a few weeks.

If I use it, she might keep it. If I don't use it, she might get stubborn about it. I'm hoping she's just trying it out as part of her finding her identity. But what if she decides that her name really is Plant?

Bizarrely school are happy to call her Plant etc but wouldn't let her use her middle name as her preferred name.

At her school there are a lot of "girls who present as boys" and vice versa so having preferred names is common and I wonder how much of this is influencing her, particularly as her new name sounds gender neutral/boyish whereas her proper name is definately female (but not cute or girly).

I don't want a daughter called Plant.

I might insist on that anyway. 🤣

I've recently found out my adult DS has changed his entire name - passport, driving licence etc to an uncommon shortened version of his name we've all used for years!
Much to my surprise I was upset that he'd changed his name from his Christened name. I know I'm being ridiculous but I can't help how I feel!

I would add that a name change is not a neutral act but I think opposing it at this point will just cause your DD to be defensive and oppositional.
If she has trans friends it's possible that they will tell her that any resistance from you is evidence of your lack of acceptance.
Play a longer game with this and keep a good relationship with your child.

I think I'd feel like that was done behind my back and I'd be upset about that. Almost like I was lied to iyswim. Obviously he doesn't need your permission but a heads up would be nice.

I'd feel sad if she does change her name permanently (to something sensible!). I'd respect her choice, call her by her chosen name etc but would be secretly unhappy about it and in my head she would always be her given name.

Yes, I would never do anything to jeopardise our relationship. My relationship with my parents is strained (but getting better strangely) and I don't want that with her.

In this situation, I wouldn't have ever told them and just used a different namr outside the house. If they'd found out, they would have told me to stop being stupid and that my name is x. Then they'd probably ground me or some other punishment for attention seeking and "misbehaving". My mum would declare that while I was living in HER house, I would be called x.

I don't think that is the correct approach for us.

HAH! No.

3 years in and my child hasn't resumed their given name and is using the one they chose. It's not a name, it's a word, similar to OP, I find it hard to square my beloved child with this stupid thing they've chosen. It doesn't represent who I see or hold in my heart.

What's the name? If it's ridiculous I wouldn't use it.

This will be outing, but I knew a family where the eldest child turned 18, announced he hated his name, and changed it to Sexy Rexy. Imagine that in the late 1970s! His mother was beside herself.

I don't actually think there is much you can do about school. We used a lot of nicknames at school, hardly anyone used their given name.

My child changed their name over three years ago to a gender neutral one. No sign of changing it back at all. It definitely took some getting used to but now I think they actually suit their new name much better than the old one.

I have taught kids named Golf and Bank before. Some cultures choose an English name which often seems like a random noun to native English speakers. Everyone just uses the names and it doesn't feel strange for long. Anyway that's not really why you're upset, I know.

How about you just call your daughter darling/ sweetie/ dear or whatever nondescript endearment you use in your family. Let the Plant name thing come and go, or deal with it in a couple of years if it seems to be taking root and bedding in?

@TragicMuse but it's the way they see themselves, the name their friends call them, i don't see why it's about you, it's like parents that hate when their child is given nicknames by their friends when it's completely out of your control

And intellectually I get all of that. But emotionally I feel differently.

And actually, I'm allowed to have my feelings about it. I don't have to grin like a loon and accept every damn thing with no feelings if my own.

I picked her up early from school for an appointment.

You were right. She is now wearing a they/them pronoun badge. 🙄😪 We've discussed the gender stuff over the years so I thought she had more sense but then again, she is only young I guess.

I'll wait for her to mention it and we'll have a sensible conversation about why and what it actually means for her etc. Time for me to read up properly.

She asked school to change her name on all the registers to the inanimate object. They phoned to check with me and we came to the compromise (with my daughter involved) to keep her proper name as her official name and her new name as her preferred name.

We've respectfully told her that we won't be using her inanimate object name at home or putting it down as her name for any extracurricular groups etc but that we won't stop her using it. She's happy enough with all that.

Hopefully if we play it cool, she'll stop it but now everyone at school will be using it as her preferred name, I doubt she will. It will just be reinforced.

My husband pointed out that it sounds a little like "rola cola" in the local accent so now I really want to start calling her that! 🤣

I think the they/them is a bigger discussion than the name though.

@Namechange1011111stairs I said early in the thread that the novelty might wear off quickly - well reading more of the thread maybe it won't. You will just have to wait and see.
As I said my daughter goes through phases of changing her name but because she has a lot of medical appointments we said that she has to be known as her legal name for things like doctors and school because that way they know 100% they have the correct person. She was happy with that and mostly goes by her legal name these days.
The fact you have come to a similar agreement is good.
As it's a "silly" name she has gone for rather than just an alternative name I personally think the novelty will wear off.

Long term, what harm comes of you accepting it and being on her side?

I am utterly convinced that schools and parents pandering to the extent they do to whatever kids want no matter how ridiculous is partly responsible for the increase in mental health issues among young people

I am on her side. If I wasn't we wouldn't be putting up with this at all and would be making it clear to the school what her proper name is etc. As for the they/them stuff we'd be putting a stop to that straight away but we're not.

However she is 13 (and a young 13 yswim) so needs some guidance. You can't let a 13yr old go off and do what they like without helping them to understand the consequences of those actions.

Honestly, if someone came on here saying they were calling their kid that, they'd be ripped to shreads and told that no one will ever take them seriously.

Husband thinks the name is a phase, I'm not so sure either @Needmorelego .

I've no idea how to approach the they/them other than very gently. I think there is a lot of outside influence with that one. As someone else said, I don't want her to see it as criticism/rejection of her.

To some degree I agree. Equally though, something like a name is really important. My name has always made me really miserable and has negatively impacted on my relationships. I don't actually think changing her name is pandering in theory. Recognising it as "Plant" etc probably is though!

'I am utterly convinced that schools and parents pandering to the extent they do to whatever kids want no matter how ridiculous is partly responsible for the increase in mental health issues among young people'

I hear you. Does no one just nod and smile at their teenagers whims anymore? She's playing with her identity, that's fine and normal, before long she will have dropped the daft name and be on to something else. Nod and smile

I've no idea how to approach the they/them other than very gently. I think there is a lot of outside influence with that one. As someone else said, I don't want her to see it as criticism/rejection of her
I think this is wise. Keep it low conflict. This ideology thrives on parental alienation. Do more listening than talking.

It'll probably pass OP. My 15 y/o niece goes to a school with lots of kids who identify as trans or non-binary etc, and a couple of years ago decided that she was a boy. The name she chose was frankly ridiculous and a deliberate misspelling of a name that would have been ridiculous anyway (along the lines of 'Layzerr'). We humoured it and after a few months she decided she was actually non-binary, and chose a gender neutral (but relatively normal) name, which again we humoured along with the they/them pronouns. Now she's back to being a girl - albeit quite a tomboyish one - with her original name!

It seems to be a kind of phase/rebellious period that many teens go through these days - much like being a goth or punk or whatever when I was at school. I wouldn't be too concerned - it's more important that you (at least outwardly!) respect her decision in order to maintain your relationship.

Check that Cerie from 30 Rock considers it a girls' name first...

I would love to know name? Trying to work it out from Rola cola.. is it watercolour?

Can you not just tell us the name? If it's an inanimate object I doubt it's going to be identifiable, and it would help understand how silly it actually is.

I would use it very occasionally but I would avoid using her name as much as possible.

I'm laughing so much about her wanting to be named after an inanimate object. I imagine she will be mortified about this in years to come.