Changing her name - to something stupid

[Namechange1011111stairs]

13yr old daughter. Her name isn't common but you'll have heard of it. FWIW MN generally approve when it comes up so it's nothing crazy. There are a few different spellings of it and in our naivity we went for one of the less common (but not made up!) spellings. It's one letter difference but is regularly spelt wrong.

She's has suddenly gone from loving her name to hating it,purely because of the spelling. She now wants to be called something else. She doesn't want to use the common spelling, one of the many nicknames or her middle name. Instead she has chosen a really, really stupid name! It's a word that could be a name but absolutely isn't. Think Spotlight or Plant.

Her changing her name makes me sad but we will support her if that's what she wants to do. However, I really don't want to use the name she has chosen because it's just ridiculous. She's absolutely set on it. I don't think she's just attention seeking with it. She told us today that she's been using it at school for a few weeks.

If I use it, she might keep it. If I don't use it, she might get stubborn about it. I'm hoping she's just trying it out as part of her finding her identity. But what if she decides that her name really is Plant?

Bizarrely school are happy to call her Plant etc but wouldn't let her use her middle name as her preferred name.

At her school there are a lot of "girls who present as boys" and vice versa so having preferred names is common and I wonder how much of this is influencing her, particularly as her new name sounds gender neutral/boyish whereas her proper name is definately female (but not cute or girly).

I don't want a daughter called Plant.

The novelty will wear off quickly.
My daughter went through a phase of changing her name weekly.

So much of this stuff is attention seeking. Just nod along vigorously and spend some time with her doing stuff you both enjoy.

Kids have no respect for their parents nowadays. I hate my name but wouldn’t dream of upsetting my parents by changing it. Is this part of a wider issue where your daughter is disrespecting you?

She's 13, I doubt this will last very long. Call her by the name you chose. She can change it legally if she still loves being called Plant when she's old enough.

I mean this in a gentle way, but it isn’t about what you want or about her respect for you. Maybe she is influenced, maybe she is pushing boundaries, but it clearly matters to her. Long term, what harm comes of you accepting it and being on her side? Maybe she just really really loves being called Plant?
I’m definitely not the best parent and would maybe laugh if my DD said this but I like to think I’d go along with it (although we use pet names more than “Sunday” names).
I hope it works out OP, I can tell you’re really upset 🌺

Brace yourself, this is almost certainly a prelude to her announcing she’s gender fluid or asexual or such.
My 18yo DD has 5 such in her class, River and Phoenix and Sky and suchlike.
it’s a fad, it’ll pass.

"I don't want a daughter called Plant."

Sorry but this has really made me giggle! I think it's an entirely reasonable stance to take.

I think it’s a normal part of growing up. I was adamant I was changing my name to Crystal. Insisted on being called it. Then after a while, changed my mind and went back to my name

I wouldn’t enable this silly bollocks if I were you.

I don't think there is much you can do. She can always chose to change it again. If she is adamant to do it legally then try to get her to add it as a middle name. You might have more influence if you are helpful than resistant.

You could try saying you no longer want to be known as Mum and want to be called "Lightbulb" and see how that goes.

Of course it's attention seeking.

I'd agree that further identity issues may follow. Prepare yourself for exploration of sexuality and gender.
Read up on this so you're not on the back foot and react calmly (don't follow the script of parents freaking out).
It may be something, it may be nothing.
At this point, I would call her Plant. I know quite a few girls who in their early teens adopted new names and NB 'status'. Hair cuts and new clothes. Few years later their looks and presentation are evolving again.
Lightly monitor her internet usage and most of all keep talking and communicating.
Don't take this personally - it's about her, but part of growing up is moving away from your parents influence, peers are hugely influential during these years.

She might just be 13 and taking advantage of the "call-me-something-else related to gender issues" of other people to reject her name as a reflection of her. Gender issues are not necessarily coming up imho.

My name is similarly female but not cute or girly, and at 13 I found myself ugly (I was), hated myself and the wish for another girlier name was my desire to be someone else, pretty as some of the popular girls with girlier names.

Oh and be careful not to label that as silly bollocks. Everything that has happened in my life that my DM has swept under the carpet as such, but was in reality the reflection of a bigger issue, has undermined my relationship with my mum and my self esteem.

A name is something that is chosen by the parent/s for the child. It is usually a name the parents love but the child has had no input. It happens that children can hate their name and if this is not just a phase, then they have legal rights at 18 (?) to change.

I approach it from this direction because my brother hated his name and changed it legally as soon as he could. My parents mocked him unceasingly, took it personally and still call him by his birth name. Years later, his relationship remains poor with them.

As a result, I tell my children that we chose their names because we liked them. It is up to them what they want to do with it.

I completely agree. I hate my full given name and have done since I was about 14. Amongst my friendship group and at school I started using a shorter version of it. Now that is all I use.
I had many an argument with my late mum about it as she said they chose my name and I was being disrespectful.* My dad used the version I preferred.
Now, everyone uses the short version. Even my inlaws (in their 80s) who always used the long version in front of my parents so as not to cause offence.

*The irony was that my mum had a friend who was always known as "Chris", and always called her Chris. Chris' fully name was Christine. I asked why she didn't call her Christine, as that was her actual name and mum said "that's what she prefers to be called".

I'm in my 60s now and if I had gone home and told my parents I wanted to be called Plant or some other inanimate object they would have roared with laughter
Just saying.....

Yes, I am concerned about the gender issue (or is it sex? I get confused). TBH we've been having that discussion since she was small. She has always preferred stereotypically male clothes. She would much rather wear a suit than a smart dress. She has also always had very short hair. So she's often had questions about whether she's a girl/boy and we've always talked about the influence of society etc and that wearing a tracksuit and not liking make up does not make you a boy. Her friend is trans (mainly because he wants to be a football player so can't posdibly be a girl 🤐) so we've talked about that too. I think she gets it and has always said she's a girl.

I hate my name. I've always hated it and really regret not changing it when I could. I didn't want to upset my parents so I chickened out but they're not the ones who have to live with it. I wish I had stood up for myself and changed it. It wasn't about disrespecting them. I don't want her to feel like this. If she really does want to change her name formally or informally, we will support her but not to something stupid.

So, the general consensus is to just humour her and hope it passes?

Are you sure she hasn't been caught up in all the gender malarkey, and this is her first step to telling you she's non-binary/trans/gender-fluid?
I only ask because you said the school would let her use a middle name but suddenly have allowed this name change. From what I'm seeing, schools will allow way more special treatment if they think it's to do with gender.

I think you should humour her but not with humour, if you see what I mean - don't act like you don't take it seriously. There's nothing more annoying to a teenager than being told, "It's just a phase, honey, you'll grow out of it" -- or even if your parents don't say that out loud, you know they're thinking it by the way they look at each other.

If it really is a silly name, some other kid or even adult will react badly to it sooner or later, and she'll come to realise that it makes a possible target for mockery.

But at least you, her parents, won't be the bad guys.

Apparently the middle name thing is to avoid confusion on formal documents. Apparently it's easier for teachers when they know someone is going by a random name as opposed to first name/middle name confusion. If she wanted to use a shortened version of her first name eg Liz/Elizabeth she could.

I do get that it is also probably to do with not being accussed of discrimination.

Is this sarcasm?

I agree with OP and feel for her but a child wanting to change their name isn't "disrespecting her parents". They aren’t properties who must keep what they're called to please their owners.

The name is the child's and we were given names before we could choose. They have a right to choose what they prefer when they're old enough. Of course it feels awful if they choose something we think is horrible but at the end of the day, it's their name.

I'd treat it like a nickname for now, don't make a fuss and use it if it makes her happy. Also, reinforce that tomboys are great! I think if we did this with our kids - that its okay to be a boy who likes typically feminine things, or to be a girl who enjoys more masculine pursuits/clothing - then we'd save a lot of heartache.

When she's an adult she can change her name to whatever she wants. For now her name is her name is how I would handle it.

It's so hard to call someone you know by a different name anyway. Imagine if you tell her she can't call you mam but instead must call you queen! She'll slip up so often.

Why would this be anything to do with respect? It is about the girl and how she sees herself. She is more than just a satellite of her parents, she is a person in her own right and is finding herself.