Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

10yr old DD online searches at school

69 replies

AM786 · 24/12/2022 07:47

I've just discovered my DD has been searching you tube videos at school about sex, dating and kissing using the Google account that her school setup. Whilst this might seem normal to some, it's not something that we approve of and certainly not until she's in her very late teens/adult hood if I can help it.

I've also found an online chat with her friends where she has used a collage of lusty icons not appropriate for her age but it seems that she has copied this from one of the other girls.

At home she can't get to these on her account as it's mostly blocked using family safety from Microsoft so all pages she attempts to go to needs my online approval. However I've had to allow her access to her school Google account to submit homework.

She doesn't have any social media or phone and is limited on how much time is spent on electronic devices including TV.

My first instinct is to stop all online access at home.
The problem is they seem to be getting online time at school to do this? I'd also like to get her away from those girls at school but seems impossible and there is only 7 months left until the end of primary school.

Just wondering if anyone was in a similar position, taking account of stance on sex/kissing/dating, and what would you do?

OP posts:
pinklabel · 24/12/2022 07:52

Why not try talking to her about it instead of just controlling her?

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 24/12/2022 07:54

She's probably googling as her friends are talking about it and she can't talk to you, or ask you questions.
By banning the internet, and not answering her questions, you're just going to make her want to know more, and probably go about it the wrong way.
Just talk to her, let her know that she can ask you anything.

user1474315215 · 24/12/2022 07:55

Can she talk to you about sex/dating/kissing? It sounds from your post as if you're trying to keep her in a bubble of innocence and she's beginning to want answers to questions? Stopping access to the internet won't stop her natural curiosity and she's certainly going to need to know about these things before late teens/adulthood. The more information she has (preferably in the context of a secure and open relationship with you) the more she'll be in a position to deal maturely with these issues as they arise in real life.

WandaWonder · 24/12/2022 07:59

It's all well and having the idea 'we don't allow it' like some magical fairy comes and all badness disappears

Have you spoke to her about in way you will listen and not 'you have gone against what we have decided in our heads' actually listened to her?

Ackity · 24/12/2022 08:00

Late teens / adulthood before she can know about kissing and dating?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 24/12/2022 08:05

Oh the next few years are going to be fun for you… Grin

GnomeyGnome · 24/12/2022 08:08

Kids Google things. The school should have safe search in place so the only results "should" be age appropriate. Obviously some things will slip through the net. I'd double check with school what their settings are.
It's perfectly normal for kids that age to start becoming curious about relationships, bodies and sex. As uncomfortable as it may be for you, it's your job to answer any questions. Much better to hear facts from you than on the playground or possibly dubious Google results.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 24/12/2022 08:08

Why does She need to wait until later teen/adulthood to learn about kissing. That’s really unrealistic and out of step with when most children become curious.

you sound overbearing and controlling. I honestly think you’re taking the completely wrong approach. I understand you want to protect her but lack of knowledge protects no one. Having a controlling parent of feels unapproachable protects on one.

maybe you could buy her some books about sex/relationships. So she had a way to learn what she is obviously curious about.

Somethingvague · 24/12/2022 08:11

I'm amazed she has been able to do this at school. It is a safeguarding issue that the school internet controls haven't filtered these things out and stopped her accessing these videos.

Namechangescared · 24/12/2022 08:12

Yeah this sounds like a great idea to have a child pushed into a bubble while friends and peers are learning about adult relationships. She’s not going to be the out cast and odd child at all in school.

Are you teaching her about periods and body changes as that’s coming?

DeliberatelyObtuse · 24/12/2022 08:14

Somethingvague · 24/12/2022 08:11

I'm amazed she has been able to do this at school. It is a safeguarding issue that the school internet controls haven't filtered these things out and stopped her accessing these videos.

I agree. It seems very unlikely...

Strugglingtodomybest · 24/12/2022 08:14

What would I do? I'd talk to her and truly hear what she has to say.

My honest opinion is that you are going to have a hard time with her if you carry on being so controlling. You don't need to be her best friend, but there is a middle ground, in which you can grow a mutually respectful relationship.

DaftyInTheMiddle · 24/12/2022 08:16

By outright banning things and talking as if a perfectly natural curiosity is taboo, you will make it all the more appealing to her. And, she will soon been a teenager and likely have a lot more knowledge about computers and Internet safety to bypass your attempts at blocking her from using anything at home. You really need to change your attitude on this, as when (not of) she does get online she isn’t going to have a clue about safety, grooming etc and WILL NOT come to the trusted adults (you) in her life.

If you have Facebook That Parent Group with Cath Hanson is an excellent resource for this kind of thing. You cannot shield her forever, please give her to the tools to shield herself from age inappropriate things when she needs it. (Kissing isn’t one, she’s 10!)

Original poster
AM786 · 24/12/2022 08:17

That's where I think we've gone wrong in this society. It's all become so normalised and in your face all the time. Children have the right to be children and not sexualised at such a young age.

Yes, life lessons need to be learnt but at age appropriate times.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 24/12/2022 08:18

"Lusty icons" 😂

OP in all seriousness this doesn't sound like a particularly healthy relationship you have with your DD. You don't want your DD knowing/seeing things about kissing, sex and dating potentially until she's an adult? Really not good and quite controlling.

DurhamDurham · 24/12/2022 08:19

Yes, life lessons need to be learnt but at age appropriate times

I wouldn't say late teens/adulthood would be an appropriate time to start discussions around kissing and dating. You'd be leaving your daughter very vulnerable if she was completely clueless throughout most of her teen years.

nottheoptics · 24/12/2022 08:20

They do indeed have the right to be children, but your daughter also has the right to information and if you're not giving her access to it then at least she has thought of some way of getting it.

Original poster
AM786 · 24/12/2022 08:20

DeliberatelyObtuse · 24/12/2022 08:14

I agree. It seems very unlikely...

Show quote history

If your school has Google account that has been given to the child, check the you tube history.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 24/12/2022 08:20

“Yes, life lessons need to be learnt but at age appropriate times.”

it doesn’t really matter what age you think she should learn about things. She has peers, access to technology and a curious mind. Better to help her access safe, accurate information than try to prevent her getting any information which will inevitably fail.

YellowStrip · 24/12/2022 08:21

AM786 · 24/12/2022 08:17

That's where I think we've gone wrong in this society. It's all become so normalised and in your face all the time. Children have the right to be children and not sexualised at such a young age.

Yes, life lessons need to be learnt but at age appropriate times.

I partly agree, but this is where you come in OP. It is your responsibility to make sure your DD is learning about these things in a safe and age appropriate way. If you refuse to talk to her about it then of course she's going to try to source information in other ways and more than likely end up seeing things that are not appropriate.

Itsbiasedhere · 24/12/2022 08:22

I can't really see the issue here. Perhaps it's time for the sex education talk.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 24/12/2022 08:24

Talking to your dd about sex isn't sexualising her, it's protecting her. Letting her know about consent and respect is a life skill that needs to be learnt now, not when she's a late teen or adult! If you don't teach her the right way then she will go looking in the wrong places, and I don't mean on google.

HaddawayAndShite · 24/12/2022 08:25

She’s 10 not 3. She could start her period tomorrow and not know a thing about why her reproductive cycle exists. You can tell her about adult concepts but age appropriate, and waiting until she is an adult to teach her about dating is ridiculous, her peers will be ‘dating’ in secondary school. Her peers will likely be kissing / have kissed now.

She’s got a questions about this and cannot talk to you about it, which is really sad. She probably knows she’s not “allowed” and is feeling shame for something natural and something any parent should be discussing with their children. She shouldn’t be having to use Google to find out these things.

gogohmm · 24/12/2022 08:30

At 10 she will have had sex Ed classes. She obviously can't talk to you so she has to google. If you allowed her to ask age appropriate questions eg what do things mean then she wouldn't need to Google them. Yes 10 seems young but she's curious - better she gets age appropriate information from you!

I was open with my DD's, they are now adults- neither had a boyfriend under 16

SenseiOfDuty · 24/12/2022 08:33

The way you counteract the issues you perceive in society is by discussing them when they come up. You won't give a child tools for building healthy life long relationships by trying to screen out discussion, but by talking about what you feel is important from the start. Remember the people she interacts with will have different values. Why would you keep quiet instead of discussing your stance? Fwiw talking about healthy relationship boundaries will protect your child far than ignorance.