10yr old DD online searches at school

[AM786]

I've just discovered my DD has been searching you tube videos at school about sex, dating and kissing using the Google account that her school setup. Whilst this might seem normal to some, it's not something that we approve of and certainly not until she's in her very late teens/adult hood if I can help it.

I've also found an online chat with her friends where she has used a collage of lusty icons not appropriate for her age but it seems that she has copied this from one of the other girls.

At home she can't get to these on her account as it's mostly blocked using family safety from Microsoft so all pages she attempts to go to needs my online approval. However I've had to allow her access to her school Google account to submit homework.

She doesn't have any social media or phone and is limited on how much time is spent on electronic devices including TV.

My first instinct is to stop all online access at home.
The problem is they seem to be getting online time at school to do this? I'd also like to get her away from those girls at school but seems impossible and there is only 7 months left until the end of primary school.

Just wondering if anyone was in a similar position, taking account of stance on sex/kissing/dating, and what would you do?

I disagree, my son was at primary school and told me someone in his class was watching porn, I rang the school and spoke to the headmistress and was told there was no possible way but she would check the search history and let me know. She called me back to say that filters should of been in place and on this occasion something had gone wrong and that she was going to sort the issue immediately.

Yes, of course we have spoken about periods and the like, but I wasn't expecting her to be able to search online at school. Perhaps that's what's really got to me.

There's one thing about playground banter and another with online video.

It's interesting, I see all these posts on this forum about all of the issues with sex/online stuff and yet we as a society fail to realise the harm outside influences are having on our children and have reduced what deemed to be inappropriate at certain agrees to now being flaunted everywhere and therefore forcefully made appropriate in schools.

There is an agenda in schools that is not healthy bringing in RSHE at such young ages have brought this curiosity into schools.

I feel sorry for those kids that are coming into school and learning about this way before they need to.

Yes, of course I will speak with her as now is the right time but just warning others, if your school might have the same.

The more you try to make normal teen things seem wrong as she gets older, the more you're actually pushing her toward them. My parents taught me nothing about that sort of thing, I won't tell you what age I was when I started having sex as it sounds like I'd get a mouthful but I will say under 16. Because I was made to feel like it was a sin. When you try to tell kids not to do something, they will do it.

A collage of 'lusty icons'?

Don’t push her away from you or you will make her very vulnerable to strangers. Better you talk about it rather than banning her from anything.

I had to read your post again and again to try and understand what you're upset about.

She's in her last year of primary school and curious about sex and kissing? Entirely age appropriate. Your reaction, however, is definitely not age appropriate.

She can type whatever search terms she likes into google but it's highly unlikely she'll be able to watch youtube while she's hooked up to the school network. It will be filtered.

Do you mean that she has done this at home, but logged into her school account?

I think the best thing to do would just be to talk to her. Ask her what she was curious about, what her friends have been saying etc. Then you can express your view to her that sexual relationships are for another time. You can't just try to hide it all from her. You can read Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit to see how that turns out.

We can wish it all we want, as much as we can wish life was like that sticking our heads in sand and hoping doesn't work in reality

No, I checked the time and date of when the videos were viewed, it was at school time.

You really need to loosen up. This behaviour will do her no good at all.

Stop living in la la land

I feel sorry for those kids that are coming into school and learning about this way before they need to.

Do you feel sorry for children who are pushed into googling things at school because they feel like they can't talk to the very person who they should be able to talk to about anything in the world?

I've got two older teenage daughters. The most important thing is keeping the lines of communication open. My oldest has just started university. It's me she came to when some twat was harassing her via text. And we thought of something together to deal with it even though she's hundreds of miles away.

She wouldn't talk to me about anything if when she was ten I banned the internet because she had Googled lusty icons.

She wouldn't have trusted me and she might have been concerned I would condemn her again. So she would have asked someone else who might have told her to go out with the twat because he might be nice deep down or some bollocks.

Stop controlling the poor girl. It's natural what she's trying to find out. If you continue you will only drive her away from you. She's doing this at school because you are controlling her At home. Very sad and abusive if this continues into her early teens

I teach in secondary and have to search various things do to with literature- so basically sex and death- and have to ask the technicians to allow me access. Amazed the primary is more open.

And fwiw, I've been teaching my kids about sex since they were young. Ds is young secondary now, so he's had the Internet porn and consent chat recently. Not that he has the remotest chance of a girl or boyfriend until he acquaints himself with soap, though.

I was raped aged ten and didn’t tell my mum because she was so disapproving about sex. I’m open with my kids but tell them about in human biology way. I’ll often draw pictures of body parts and describe what the use of that particular part is, we often end up laughing at my drawings. I’m completely open about my periods and have large box of supplies readily accessible .

We often talk about good relationships and I will point out healthy marriages/relationships to them. We will talk about consent in general way of not forcing people to join in games or noticing if they are reluctant to be friends (and that choice is to be respected).

I’m in my 40s. The internet was nowhere near to being a thing when I was at primary school yet I was curious about sex, dating and kissing at that age. It’s a normal curiosity, pretending it isn’t won’t help. Starting to bit by bit learn about relationships and sexual feelings (which she may have started having) isn’t going to make her have underage sex (I didn’t) or lose her childhood.

maybe you could buy her some books about sex/relationships. So she had a way to learn what she is obviously curious about.

She’s 10. Not 15 but 10. OP I totally get where you’re coming from and agree with you. I don’t think you sound overbearing or controlling at all as your DD is still very young.

Of course, as she grows up she’ll gain an interest in certain things especially if it’s spoken about among friends. It’s your duty as a parent to teach her about these things but at an age that you think it suitable. It’s more than fine to sit down with her and ask her what she wants to know and why she was searching up videos (so you can try and answer any questions she has). However it’s completely different to allow her to watch videos on these topics or buy her books about sex/relationships. I don’t even understand why a 10 year old would need a visual understanding of these things.

‘Two people like each other so they may start dating (explain what dating is), that may lead to a relationship (explain what a relationship is), they may have sex if they’re trying for a baby’ etc. There’s really no need to be buying her books on the topic

I will say though, that you are totally right to monitor what she is accessing online. Online grooming, accessing adult material and posting indecent images is a huge child safeguarding problem. Parents should be checking what their kids are doing online, especially at that age.

A few searches to learn about sex, dating and kissing if age appropriate content is ok. You need to talk to her.

If she genuinely has unsupervised access to youtube at school then that is an issue you should raise with them. It certainly should be filtered. See the teacher when they go back and ask how that could have happened. Some primary schools are not very tech savy, maybe they just don't realise.

However, that is a separate issue to what your DD is curious about. Maybe buy her an age appropriate book that you could disucss together. It's not going to 'sexualise' her, just answer questions it's natural for her to have.

My DD's has this book.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Care-Keeping-You-Revised-American/dp/1609580834/ref=sr11_3?crid=1VJ842W5WHE6G&keywords=American+girl+books&qid=1671873488&sprefix=american+girl+books%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-3

Then there is a second one for older girls.

You're going about this all wrong, you need to have open lines of communication to avoid her turning further away from you. Your username tells me why you're being this strict with her but in the long run you're doing her a disservice.

There are 2 issues here.

1.access at school. If , what you say is true, the school are massively failing in their internet safety policy. Children shouldn't be able to google or watch whatever they want at school(or at home really).You can being this to their attention.

1. Your reaction to this is ridiculous as are your time lines of what age appropriate. Being an adult before learning about kissing or dating? Her lack or knowledge and awareness and relying on what she can "smuggle" online can actually put her at risk. Risk of abuse, coercion, thinking certain things are normal because the internet said so and so on. If you want to protect her, be more open and willing to answer questions,talk about things,satisfy her curiosity in age appropriate ways. Then she will come to you rather than looking for answers herself.

Unfortunately they need to start to teach rshe young because young people develop at different ages, have different backgrounds etc. it's not all taught in one go eg some (the biological aspects) is at primary along with consent then at secondary mine got lessons on healthy relationships, contraception and lots more on consent. There was nothing as far as I'm aware on kissing though, she's just curious because she's heard a term I'm guessing.

We had a girl pregnant in my class at 12! They need to get in early

Worst case scenario but maybe something happened to her and she doesn't understand what because she doesn't know. Or it happened to a friend.

Or maybe she's heard/seen things and she's confused/curious and wants to understand more.

Or maybe classmates have bfs/gfs and wants to know what that means.

Or maybe she's one of those kids that thinks you can get pregnant from a kiss.

Or maybe she's starting to develop and wants to know what that means in a bigger context.

Or maybe she's becoming more aware of "fancying " someone and what it all means.

Or maybe she's starting to realise she's attracted to girls,not boys and again is feeling confused/worried/curious.

There are plenty of reasons why children might explore these kind of things ,even at age 10. Ideally,their home would be a safe,open space where they can explore all these questions and worries without fear.

OMG she's curious, so help her by talking to her. She's not a baby anymore and honestly how are you going to stop her growing up?!
Perhaps you need to mature up and get real, OP. Was this your life? You are not your parents.
Life is for the living, let yoyr DD live don't clip her wings she will not thank you for that.

How are you going to approach puberty....which has started in most 10 year olds with many having periods in year 6? Have you removed her from any sex and relationship education at school? It's perfectly normal for 10 year olds to discuss things and to make light of what they hear particularly if they are taught sex is dirty, rude or shameful. Much more likely to force them into their own research to. They don't need to be sexualised by dressing up, makeup or watching adult themes but natural curiosity doesn't kick in at 16 it develops with puberty.