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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

DD got nobody to go trick-or-treating with

54 replies

scarecrow22 · 25/10/2021 20:52

DD has struggled socially, on and off, through primary. Next Sunday most of the girls in her class are going to a Halloween party held by one of them. A few others are going out in a pair, at a family party and overseas. DD has only one friendship at school, with a girl in a parallel class, who is not allowed to go trick-or-treating. Result, she has not a single person to go trick or treating with on Sunday.

To my dismay, both my children are obsessed with Halloween. More so than Christmas. She has built it up so much over the year that she is distraught. And I can't blame her - it is one of those moments when she feels the loneliness of having had either one or no friends throughout school.

There are underlying issues we need to deal with, clearly. But so far I've reached out to a couple of parents unsuccessfully, tried to encourage her to be part of the young kids sweet-raid that runs each year in our road, and suggested that some years life is a bit shit and next year hopefully she'll be out with her new secondary school friends and this year will be the past.... None of it has consoled her, and I get why.

Does anybody have a clever idea for how I can distract her, repair the problem.... ANYTHING? My heart is breaking for my tumultuous, warm, kind, creative girl.

Thank you for reading this, and for any ideas.

OP posts:
AspCommie · 25/10/2021 20:54

Is there a reason she struggled with friendships, that you could work on with her?

Ionlydomassiveones · 25/10/2021 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 25/10/2021 20:55

Can she have the other girl over and instead of trick or treating, the can decorate your doorway and open the door to trick or treaters and you can get some treats for them

Ionlydomassiveones · 25/10/2021 20:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Comedycook · 25/10/2021 20:56

Oh bless her...my DD has also been left out of a class Halloween party by a girl she thought was a very good friend Sad. We will be having a little party with family and in previous years, I have taken my dc trick or treating with just me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/10/2021 20:56

I had this when DD was younger than yours. What I did was throw the most lavish and exciting parties I could. All the children wanted to come and then had to invite DD back.

Manipulative? Yes. But it worked.

Now she's found her own weird tribe so it's all forgotten.

Iggly · 25/10/2021 20:57

I would go out completely - take her out for a meal or something?
Or have the other girl over, and they can have a Halloween themed play date - watch a movie or something?

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 20:57

Get yourself an outfit op.. Have you got a ddog to dress up?
Promise her hot chocolate and marshmallows for when you get home. I am 50 and go out with my dc. And ddogs!

Lindy2 · 25/10/2021 20:57

My 2 children generally go trick or treating together with DH and me supervising. If she has a sibling surely you just go as a family.

ImInStealthMode · 25/10/2021 20:57

@EnjoyingTheSilence

Can she have the other girl over and instead of trick or treating, the can decorate your doorway and open the door to trick or treaters and you can get some treats for them

This! Would her friend be allowed to come round for Halloween games / a spooky film / dressing up? Maybe a sleepover Saturday into Sunday with all of the above?

Big hugs for your DD from someone who also struggled with friends at that age xx

WinoAnon · 25/10/2021 21:00

Yes having the other girl over, dressing up to answer the door is a great alternative. Film on early afternoon or afterwards depending on when the trick or treaters visit your street

tootiredtospeak · 25/10/2021 21:02

What about the girl who isnt allowed to trick or treat. Would she be allowed a sleepover. Tou could take them to the cinema to watch a scary movie and for Halloween afternoon tea.

JacquelineCarlyle · 25/10/2021 21:02

My DCs go together with my DH & I (we don't dress up!) - they've never gone with friends. Just take her with her brother.

Original poster
scarecrow22 · 25/10/2021 21:07

@AspCommie

Is there a reason she struggled with friendships, that you could work on with her?
We are working on it more seriously now. For a long time she did have one friend (most of the time!), which masked the problem. When that girl decided to move on the extent of DD's friendlessness hit me over the summer, and again now. I've also been very alone in believing there is something underlying this - the rest of my family say 'oh so and so didn't make friends til secondary school', or 'but she's so lovely'....and DH doesn't seem to be interested at all.... In this context, your warm and wise words actually mean a lot to me.
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/10/2021 21:08

It you’ve got 2 DC, just go as a family?

Halloween is a bit odd- my DC has plenty of friends whose families don’t want any part of it! We’ve never gone full-on for this reason.

I’m sure you can find a family activity on Sunday that will be ‘special’ - loads by us. Then even a short trick or treat walk is enough - just a few houses.

Then back home for spooky Halloween themed tea that she can help make, if you like - there’s loads of ideas online.

Or - if you’re not going out trick or treating make your house THE haunted house to knock at. Go all in. One year a kid by us dressed up as a living statue in his garden - it was really foggy and they had creepy music playing and he jump-scared people- it was a big talking point.

Original poster
scarecrow22 · 25/10/2021 21:10

@Ionlydomassiveones

We decorate and I always open the door for trick and treaters - lots of children come just with one parent. Can’t you dress up and go with her?
I've offered - and I'm both in my 50s and somebody terrified of dressing up and the 'attention' that might come from it. But she wants a friend to go with, and I do get that. I 've also offered to take her to a movie instead. But she wants a friend. The problem is partly the sweets, and partly a vent for her sadness over the fact that her one single friend on and off since reception decided to move on earlier this year. She misses her so much (even while the girl is being rude and unkind).
OP posts:
merrymelody · 25/10/2021 21:14

I love your idea, @MrsTerryPratchett!

Original poster
scarecrow22 · 25/10/2021 21:16

@Lindy2

My 2 children generally go trick or treating together with DH and me supervising. If she has a sibling surely you just go as a family.
I should have insisted on this from the beginning. But I didn't force what a big problem it would be and DS (who is younger, 8) made plans with friends at school to go out in a small gang (with some mums!). I don't want to stop him doing that - he's just becoming more independent, and to be honest I avoid his friends in holidays etc, and play down playdates, so that the contrast with DD isn't so obvious. But I don't see why he should have his friendships curtailed more than they are. Her behaviours already impact on his a certain amount, and he sort of 'deserves' to be able to have his fun. I hope that doesn't sound callous - I'm just a mum who loves both her children who is constantly struggling with the balance of how to do right by them both.
OP posts:
FFSFFSFFS · 25/10/2021 21:18

You need to get her going to clubs so there are structured social events etc. Keep trying until you find a club she likes!

As for trick or treating make it a fun thing you do together!

Schmoozer · 25/10/2021 21:20

Sad to hear this, we have been in similar situation with our dd
Plan this year is to decorate the house, dd dress up, have treats ready for the kids coming round trick and treating in groups

Original poster
scarecrow22 · 25/10/2021 21:22

@EnjoyingTheSilence

Can she have the other girl over and instead of trick or treating, the can decorate your doorway and open the door to trick or treaters and you can get some treats for them
Now your sympathy might start ebbing! We are going to the other girl's house on Sat eve for a family party - happy pumpkin carving, a home made piñata, and some games. That was actually arranged for the other kids because they are becoming increasingly upset by not being allowed out. The problem boils down to both the friendship issues and the fact that DD is somewhat obsessed with trick-or-treating (it's not just the sweets, because I offered to just buy some!!!!!)... or more precisely, with wanting a friend.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 25/10/2021 21:22

I understand op...my dd struggles a bit with friendships and socialising outside of school...her class is very boy heavy and the parents are very cliquey and exclude kids if they don't seem the parents worthy enough. Just wondering if this is more to do with the other parents rather than your dds friendship skills?

Comedycook · 25/10/2021 21:23

*deem not seem

Original poster
scarecrow22 · 25/10/2021 21:26

@Schmoozer I'm sorry your DD has been in a similar place, and hope she really enjoys having her own house to haunt!

Can I ask if, apart from clubs, you have any other advice about to help DDs? If you prefer not to say, I would totally understand. My DD is due to get some professional input, but it is taking eons.

OP posts:
Schmoozer · 25/10/2021 21:35

[quote scarecrow22]@Schmoozer I'm sorry your DD has been in a similar place, and hope she really enjoys having her own house to haunt!

Can I ask if, apart from clubs, you have any other advice about to help DDs? If you prefer not to say, I would totally understand. My DD is due to get some professional input, but it is taking eons.[/quote]
My DD is an only, and has had friendship issues on and off over, I’ve always insisted she engages in clubs - she’s dropped out of various clubs along the way, but I’ve always made sure she picks up something else - now she’s stuck with a drama club for several years and that social contact outside of school has been a blessing

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