DD got nobody to go trick-or-treating with

[scarecrow22]

DD has struggled socially, on and off, through primary. Next Sunday most of the girls in her class are going to a Halloween party held by one of them. A few others are going out in a pair, at a family party and overseas. DD has only one friendship at school, with a girl in a parallel class, who is not allowed to go trick-or-treating. Result, she has not a single person to go trick or treating with on Sunday.

To my dismay, both my children are obsessed with Halloween. More so than Christmas. She has built it up so much over the year that she is distraught. And I can't blame her - it is one of those moments when she feels the loneliness of having had either one or no friends throughout school.

There are underlying issues we need to deal with, clearly. But so far I've reached out to a couple of parents unsuccessfully, tried to encourage her to be part of the young kids sweet-raid that runs each year in our road, and suggested that some years life is a bit shit and next year hopefully she'll be out with her new secondary school friends and this year will be the past.... None of it has consoled her, and I get why.

Does anybody have a clever idea for how I can distract her, repair the problem.... ANYTHING? My heart is breaking for my tumultuous, warm, kind, creative girl.

Thank you for reading this, and for any ideas.

The problem boils down to both the friendship issues and the fact that DD is somewhat obsessed with trick-or-treating (it's not just the sweets, because I offered to just buy some!!!!!)... or more precisely, with wanting a friend.

Oh dear.

It’s not the trick or treating - obviously you know that.

It’s the ‘feeling left out’.

But at 11 (?) I think actually maybe you do need to be a bit tough love on this occasion.

She’s got a Halloween party to go to.
Her mum will take her trick or treating if it’s THAT important to her.
There are other ‘spooky’ options.

If none of the above are ‘enough’ that is not good enough, really, because she’s obsessing on a negative. There are loads of positives in her life - supportive mum, friends who have invited her to a party, etc.

By next year it’s borderline round ours if Terri k or treating is even appropriate, tbh. So sell the ‘making our house the Neighbourhood Haunted House’ option. Ask the family friend from the party on Sat back for a sleepover and house decorating…

In the nicest way, do remember she takes her cues from you and you are obvs also feeling bad about this/worried for her re friendships.

You need to make your decisions re the plan and then be firm and positive about it, eg that she can dress up and answer the door or else go round with you.

Have been there tho and do sympathise

@Comedycook Sorry, too, about your DD. My DD largely relies on the boys in her class now to keep her going: she only ever works with boys in class and now sometimes plays with them at break. As for the mothers of the girls.... early on for reception and much of the early years I was in hospital for six months and then convalescing very slowly so I was not very engaged with the other parents. Now I find it hard to socialise with many of the mums because their daughters are so unkind. I wish now I'd not been working and then so ill (not that I could help it!) when DD was younger, and that I'd been more natural socialiser. But I can't turn back the clock. Things are a bit complicated because I've not been able to work for many years and money is very tight: we live in a well-off area and we can't keep up. DD sometimes gets upset that she is so different from other children (she's not the much), but mostly she is incredibly understanding. She's a very emotionally intelligent child.

Not sure where I was going with all that, just your comment struck more than one chord.

[quote scarecrow22]@Comedycook Sorry, too, about your DD. My DD largely relies on the boys in her class now to keep her going: she only ever works with boys in class and now sometimes plays with them at break. As for the mothers of the girls.... early on for reception and much of the early years I was in hospital for six months and then convalescing very slowly so I was not very engaged with the other parents. Now I find it hard to socialise with many of the mums because their daughters are so unkind. I wish now I'd not been working and then so ill (not that I could help it!) when DD was younger, and that I'd been more natural socialiser. But I can't turn back the clock. Things are a bit complicated because I've not been able to work for many years and money is very tight: we live in a well-off area and we can't keep up. DD sometimes gets upset that she is so different from other children (she's not the much), but mostly she is incredibly understanding. She's a very emotionally intelligent child.

Not sure where I was going with all that, just your comment struck more than one chord.[/quote]

This is not your fault.

This is not your DD’s fault.

I bet you she will find her tribe.

Your poor dd sounds so similar to mine but we live in the middle of nowhere with only a few retired older neighbours so my poor dd won’t even have trick or treaters knocking at the door. I normally throw a party instead and have a few of her friends from school but they live in the village and they’re having a street event this year that my children aren’t invited to because they don’t live on the street. It’s honestly pissed me right off. It’s also my birthday on Halloween and I feel aggrieved that I entertain these other children every year on my own birthday and they can’t return the favour. I don’t feel like I can take dd trick or treating myself because I don’t feel comfortable wandering round a neighbourhood I don’t live in where I don’t know anyone. Dds best friend also lives in the middle of nowhere but his mum takes him trick or treating round his cousins village. Maybe I’ll just throw a little party for the 2 of them and the big brothers here and you can bring your dd too.

@NoSquirrels @honeylemonteaforme

You speak wisely. I do need to be firmer about what I am offering. I've suggested too many options, and then played for time. I have tried to stress that she is lucky to have the party, but she says DS goes to the party and gets to go out with friends. I will stress that the party is FOR HER really - we are just a supporting cast. And - as I so often have to - stress that she cannot keep comparing every single thing she and DS do.

SO... here we have it: it's me to trick or treat, or me to take her to a movie, and she has to suck it up (I might word that more kindly!)

Thank you so much for setting my path.

I guess I'm as or nearly as upset as she is by the friend thing, so I've been weak. This too will pass....

@WithLargeTableMouse A party in the middle of nowhere? Bring it on :) It sounds like a lovely idea, seriously. Or could DD go with her friend to the cousin's village?

And happy birthday wine present smile

During Covid last year, for Halloween my son held a little family party in his bedroom! He and his sister dressed up, he chose a few decorations from Poundland, made up a few Halloween games, carved pumpkins (in the kitchen!) … they loved it and still talk about it now. Would this sort of thing work?

I guess I'm as or nearly as upset as she is by the friend thing, so I've been weak. This too will pass...

Honestly, I do understand. But Yr6 is odd for friendships anyway, I think - they’re maturing at different rates, old relationships are under pressure from different secondary schools chat etc.

Look at it this way -she can be excited for the possibility of secondary school, not gutted her best friends aren’t going with her or unwilling to move on.

My sibling pair have different friendships patterns and it’s hard. But being the elder sibling means you can big up treating her differently with DS not around - special ‘grown-up’ Halloween treats, like a movie unsuitable for him or a special afternoon tea or make-up session or whatever?

@NoSquirrels Thank you x

My DD is very emotionally intelligent too. She has a couple of good friends but there's not many girls in her class and she doesn't massively gel with them...I'm not very extrovert and am polite to the other mums but never went all out to be best mates with them and I think this has made things more difficult. Quite honestly, I cannot wait for secondary school!

Oh and I was quite honest with my DD about not being invited to her friends Halloween party...and told her the mum was only inviting children of the mums she likes best

My DS was like this through much of primary. At halloween I made sure he had an amazing costume and we'd go out together. Sometimes I felt like crying with sadness for him. He struggled with friendships at school and I could see why, he wasn't very sharing or supportive with friends. I talked to him about this a great deal and over time he has changed, become much more generous with his relationships and now he is part of a good friendship group and has many other individual friends too. Sometimes his social life is so busy we laugh together and remind ourselves of how it's changed. I think some kids find these things come naturally and others have to work at them. Mine had to work at it, perhaps yours does too. I am sure it will not always be like this.

[quote scarecrow22]@WithLargeTableMouse A party in the middle of nowhere? Bring it on :) It sounds like a lovely idea, seriously. Or could DD go with her friend to the cousin's village?

And happy birthday wine present smile[/quote]
Thank you and cheers 🥂🎃
Dd never gets to go trick or treating with the best friend because there’s a load of them that go together from their NCT group who I don’t know. More fool me for moving my children out to the countryside instead of into a village. It seemed like such a good idea at the time!

My children are ND and can't cope with some events& parties but they love Halloween, Easter and Christmas. The key is to do all the things you would do for a big event for a small one (even 1:1). So this year's Halloween is our family plus a cousin and grandparent but we will do a full Halloween tea (lots of ideas online), dress the house, decorate biscuits, carve pumpkins, listen to Halloween themed music. Basically a party but without friends.
If I were you I'd plan lots of things to do at home together and then plan to go trick or treating but maybe make it optional (knowing once she's in the spirit she really won't mind going with mum).

I agree with pp, make your house the go to house for trick or treaters, that’s what I’m doing! But then I love it 👻

Any cousins she can go with or friends in street?
Otherwise I love the idea of going all out at your house.
Or you dress up with her and go trick or treating!
We have quite a few children come with their parent and they are dressed together, Batman and robin, Mario and princess etc.
Parents always get a treat

Do you have any family friends? Some of DD’s friends are going trick or treating together, their parents are in very tight friendship groups and share school runs etc so always in and out of each other’s houses and lives. DD is not in this inner circle so hasn’t been invited. We’ve organised to do something with our friends and their kids, they are different ages and all at different schools but us parents are friends so they all know each other

I have 2 kids but even before 2nd was born I went with her alone. I wouldn't want my dds knocking on people's doors alone!!!

@Flowersintheattic2021

I have 2 kids but even before 2nd was born I went with her alone. I wouldn't want my dds knocking on people's doors alone!!!

Also @greensunnyday @EnjoyingTheSilence @CocaColaTruck1 @Paddingtonthebear

Thank you all for troubling to reply, and some fun suggestions. Hope you too abe a lovely evening

OP I know this doesn’t help you right now but 30 years ago this was me- I was pretty much on my own during junior school and never socialised with anyone outside of school but by the end of the first year of secondary I had made a lovely little group of friends, and those skills I learned about how to be friendly/approachable (mostly by seeing how people behave when they are being dicks/bad friends!) have helped me my whole life through uni, working all over the country , and then as a trailing spouse.

Your DD sounds lovely and she will make good friends when she meets the right people, and also have a good radar for who to avoid- a very useful skill in life !

Trick or treating is an awful ritual. How about you bake some nice cookies/brownies/flapjacks etc with both of your children and then go round the neighbourhood and offer these snacks to other people as gifts of kindness.

Do you have any friends with similar aged kids so you could have a party at home?

It’s such a difficult age. Would she go happily with a responsible older girl eg a sixth former. It would only be for an hour at dusk. Do you know any who might volunteer nearby? Not as good as a friend but better than your mum

Goodness sounds like my dd 9. She has ASD and struggles massively with friendships. She adores Halloween also and we are hoping her one friend can come and do trick or treating. Her mum hasn't confirmed this is ok yet but I know she will be distraught if she can't make it and I'm dreading the fallout ! I've offered to go with her but mum and dad just don't cut it I'm afraid ! So hard isn't it.