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11 yr old dd, what to expect

56 replies

Angrymum5 · 20/09/2020 08:57

My DD is turning 11 on the 12 of October and I have recently been reading the threads about 11 yr girls. I am very shocked about what some mums are letting their DD do aka. crop top, makeup, shaving, taking tube or bus to shopping mall with friends! I would understand for school, but for fun NO WAY!! She is also quite tall for her and has a bigger body build. She is very self conscious these days. I don’t know why! She has very. bad execema on her face sometimes and will go out until forced to! She has no fashion style and wants to re new her wardrobe but nothing at the store fits on her or looks good. She didn’t talk on the way home! She wears size 10 women’s! Her body build is:
147 cm
46 kg
32” waist
Should I be worried?

OP posts:
Angrymum5 · 20/09/2020 08:58

Sorry not go out!!

OP posts:
Angrymum5 · 20/09/2020 09:45


OP posts:
cherrypiepie · 20/09/2020 10:22

Can you clarify what you are worried about?

I'm not sure I understand the comment about other parent allow children to do certain activities.

Where was she not talking on the way home from?

Is it fashion advice, health advice about eczema or weight you want to find out about.

Titsywoo · 20/09/2020 10:25

Are you worried about her weight? Her waist size is very large for her age and height.

dementedpixie · 20/09/2020 10:28

What is your question? What do you need help with?
My dd is 16 and has no interest in fashion or make up. She likes wearing dresses and skirts and would not wear jeans/trousers; will tolerate leggings sometimes.

Shaving is fine at 11 if they are self conscious about body hair. Do you mean crop tops as underwear or outerwear? Dd wore them as underwear before she got a bra

AyDeeAitchDee · 20/09/2020 10:41

If your daughter is big for her age at 11 then I'd be assuming she has body hair and breasts growing.

So I'd say crop tops and shaving might be overdue.

Please don't be the mum who refuses based on age not need.

Branleuse · 20/09/2020 10:46

Im not quite sure what youre specifically concerned about

CandyLeBonBon · 20/09/2020 10:56

You sound very focussed on her physical appearance? Is there a reason for that?

Whatwouldscullydo · 20/09/2020 11:02

You seem strangely focused on what she looks like.

And you also sound like her age matters more than what she physically might need to to have.

First step might be to get her eczema under control.

LovingLola · 20/09/2020 11:26

What shops did you go to?

Ginfilledcats · 20/09/2020 11:33

You sound worried about a range of things but I agree with pp what is the question you're asking?

giggly · 20/09/2020 11:34

Why would you be very shocked that almost 11 year olds are using make up. My almost 11 puts make up on when her friends are round but they don’t do out to play with it in. Mine also wears shock horror crop tops and boob tubes in the summer as she is a child and these are in fashion.
Funnily enough she has asked to shave her legs but then she does a sport where she wears shorts, but she doesn’t actually need to so happy with my not now.
There is a fine line letting them having a little freedom and experimenting with their developing fashion choices at this age .
I wonder if her unsuccessful shopping was influenced by your words/ choices?

Angrymum5 · 20/09/2020 12:00

Sorry, I didn't clarify what I meant. DD has pompholyx for 6 months on her face, hands and face. None of the steriod creams worked! Her weight is something I am very worried about! There was a dress she really liked but It did not fit her! I am worried if thhis becomes a serious problem in secondary! ( she is hoping to go to our nearest grammar school)
Please tell me is anything else is not clarified

OP posts:
LovingLola · 20/09/2020 12:10

So her weight is a concern also? Are there steps you can take to tackle that with her?

Angrymum5 · 20/09/2020 12:11

@LovingLola I am not sure what do to!

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 20/09/2020 12:18

Right well I would say that maybe its time fir a medication review. Has she been allergy tested ?

Clothes wise where do you shop . Have some realistic expectations. Well fitting clothes make all the difference. Hiding under baggy tops and joggers can just make you look bigger.

As far as food/weight goes, it never hurts to have a bit of an overhaul. You can do that as a family. What kimd if stuff do you all eat?

Angrymum5 · 20/09/2020 12:30

@Whatwouldscullydo The GP aren't doing anything. We have an appointment in November. We are trying to eat healthy. But when she loses weight she gains it again! Clothes-wise DD is wearing some of my hand me down as we share clothes and shoes, but I have the height of a 12 year old :(

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 20/09/2020 12:31

I don’t see the problem with shaving or taking the tube/bus. I shaved from about this age because I was quite self conscious about my legs. Most 11 year olds experiment with make up at this age.

And if you can take public transport to school, I wouldn’t see the problem with taking it to meet with friends, provided the parent knows the friends and knows where the child will be.

You also say you wouldn’t let her use public transport to go out and socialise, but she never goes out unless forced to? I don’t get what specifically you’re concerned about. I think it would help if you clarified what you want advice about.

Angrymum5 · 20/09/2020 12:38

@Kanaloa Sorry yes I do understand that she will eventually, but I was aiming to let her shave at 13 14 ish. I dont understand why kids need makeup although my DD is very intrested in it. I am just thinking its abit too much for my DD she usually goes to the chip shop with her freinds sometimes though! Using everyones advice I might let her buy the school uniform by herself at the end of yr 6 is she ready!

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 20/09/2020 12:43

You need to stop with the arbitrary age cut offs.

I know its hard as were were probably brought up to see it as something sexualised and inappropriate. But there is nothing worse than a parent who prefers to allow a child to be humiliated than buy them a bra.

You have her whole life to work on unpicking why she wants to do things.


That's not a criticism we have all had to weigh these things up in our heads . Many of us were probably also kids on the other side of it too.

dementedpixie · 20/09/2020 12:51

My dd had started her periods by 11 and had hairy legs and armpits. She chose to shave them and who am I to say she couldn't. Why choose an age for these things? Why can't she make her own decisions about what she wants to do to her body?

WreckTangled · 20/09/2020 12:58

My dd was 10 in June and has been changing under her arms for months because she doesn't want them hairy. Her body her choice. Not sure why they have to be a specific age.

RE her weight you should ask school for a referral to the school nurse. Also she shouldn't be losing weight at her age just not gaining any more. They will also be able to address any self confidence issues.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 20/09/2020 13:01

It’s absolutely ridiculous to say she can shave at 13-14 and not when it’s needed! For a start this is about 2 years too late! Secondly you have no idea of her hairs will be pale blonde and unnoticeable or really dark and embarrassing!
How about when she grows hair, if she hasn’t already, you consider whether YOU would be happy wearing shirts with legs that hairy or if YOU would be happy with armpits as hairy as hers? You’d be embarrassed and so will she x

Ginfilledcats · 20/09/2020 13:15

I'd say best policy re shaving would be whenever she is self conscious of body hair that she can shave. What difference is there between say 13 and 14 in the "dangers" of shaving, if that's what you're concerned about.

I think letting her buy her school uniform herself is a strange thing to do at Any she quite frankly! Not a passage of rites I don't think!

Re the dress not fitting, did you not try the next size up?

I'd recommend a shopping day, try lots of different styles of clothes and sizes from different shops. Teach her the reality that a size 10 in Zara might be a size 8 in new look and not to give a damn about what size she is, but to buy the article that fits best. I range from a 12 to 16 in jeans for example!

Re weight gain, if she loses weight (and needs to) if she then gives up of course the weight will go back on. You need to find a sustainable healthy eating diet and exercise programme. Dance lessons or Zumba on YouTube? Doing 10k steps, couch 2 5k all free!

Re crop tops, are you talking about training bras or (to quote my grandmother m) "midriff bearing tops" to wear with leggings etc. If the former, get the poor child a bra, changing for PE is mortifying. If the latter yeah it's awful (for most ages) but it's fashion. All I'd suggest is if she really is big and self conscious a crop top probably isn't for her (though I do believe in wear what makes you happy, but if she's already self conscious that won't help) and encourage her to look at the other lovely fashions at the mo; Hugh waisted trousers/jeans/skirts, midi dresses etc!

Re makeup, if she's got bad eczema she and you need to be really careful with what products she puts on her face. I speak from first hand experience. Don't just let her play with cheap makeup without researching the ingredients. Perhaps she's self conscious of the eczema hence the interest in make up, that's understandable. But teach her to apply natural looking makeup (no orange faces and ridiculous eyebrows) and importantly teach her to remove it properly at night and to care for her skin properly including moisturising.

Hope that helps

innitbloodysuper · 20/09/2020 13:19

I have an 11 year old, same height as yours but with a 24" waist. She dances and does gymnastics. Her food intake isn't the most healthy, but she balances this with the exercise so I'm not too worried at this stage.

She has also started her periods so it won't be long until she's shaving, it'll be a more of a need than whether that's my choice for her. I do however not allow belly tops, my view being I can't tell her to cover up as a teen if she's wearing next to nothing as a child. But again, that's my personal choice. I very much doubt I'll be able to keep this up for long though. Fashion is important to pre-teens and I wouldn't want to make her stand out. Presently though it isn't an issue.

I'm not really sure what your issue is. I know as a quite strict and conservative mum that my views will have to change pretty soon. We're in a difficult society, where for some kids it's important to fit in. When she wants to shave, she can shave. Of course there will always be boundaries, but I think it's important to work with your child, rather than trying to second guess what they might want.

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