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Preteens

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Original poster

Reported to social services!!

112 replies

rabbitrabbit12 · 19/03/2018 13:22

I confiscated DDs phone last night after she came back from her dad's because she was acting weird and was very distant. She wasn't very talkative this morning so we had a bit of a row, then this morning I had a call off SS reported from the school with my daughter saying I've smacked her legs!!!! I never touched her! She told them I had been drinking - I had one glass of wine with dinner. I'm so shocked, they now want to investigate me?!?

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 19/03/2018 15:27

Who was she was feeling rejected by?

If she wanted to stay with her Dad longer could this be a way of doing that? If she accuses you she may think that they will take her to her Dad.

whyohwhy111 · 19/03/2018 15:31

My OH is a teacher and literally anything like this HAS to be reported otherwise he'd get suspended. It's so strict. He even had to report seeing a year 11 take the contraceptive pill. It's then up to pastoral and the school's management what they do with the info.

Ariesgirl1988 · 19/03/2018 15:31

wow all this because your confiscated her phone! I'm sure this will all come out when she's interviewed and realised how serious this is and I hope she will feel ashamed of herself when she finds out how much trouble she has caused. I definitely wouldn't give her back her phone now she needs to learn actions especially lies have serious consequences! please keep us updated on what happens and I hope it all gets sorted soon x

rocketgirl22 · 19/03/2018 15:44

There will be people that will not agree with what I am about to say, I have a 12dd too and they are incredibly hormonal and impulsive. I guess she will be regretting her actions soon enough.

I also think you are perfectly entitled to confiscate her phone, she is 12 and we do this often. It is an earned privilege and not a necessity.

Firstly just relax they are not going to take your dc away. Be open, calm and helpful and explain what has happened.

Secondly given she has done something so extreme. I think it would be an idea for everyone to be on a 'screen ban' and take her out for the day just you two. No phones. Just you and her. Talk to her, reconnect with her and tell her how deeply you care about her. Talk about the phone, the school everything. Try to get her to see that everything you do is for her benefit.

Reel her back, because there might be bigger problems under the surface she has not told you. Put your horrified feelings to one side and focus on her and it will all come good.

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 19/03/2018 15:44

Juumst on the taking the phone point:-

(1) At age 12 you can certainly confiscate your children’s belongings if there is a good reason to do so, irrespective of legal ownership.

(2) the legal ownership almost certainly lies with the phone company anyway.

(3) if (2) is right, day-to-day control of the phone almost certainly lies with you as the bill payer.

In short, those comments which say you cannot confiscate you 12-year-old daughter’s mobile phone are certainly wrong.

londonista · 19/03/2018 16:02

RocketGirl I am really liking that idea of a total screen ban for the whole family. They do subvert our f2f interaction a lot of the time, and I find my son is much less chatty after using them.

And also, it might take some of the sting out of the ban, and you could maybe give it back to her when she walks to/from school by herself, then all the phones go into a box when you get home?

Original poster
rabbitrabbit12 · 19/03/2018 16:11

Thank you for all the messages it has certainly helped to put my mind at rest. I still haven't seen her yet as still at work. What do you do when your child won't open up to you which is what she was doing this morning? It's really frustrating :(

OP posts:
drspouse · 19/03/2018 16:13

My OH is a teacher and literally anything like this HAS to be reported otherwise he'd get suspended.
That makes perfect sense given what happened with my DS. Class teacher reported to SENCO, SENCO rang me and no further concerns.

Bekabeech · 19/03/2018 16:16

What I would do is be very open with SS, especially about "this person she might have been in contact with and shouldn't". That is probably the source of the problem and why your DD reported it.
Either she has been in contact and is trying to cover up/resents you stopping it; or she hasn't and resents not being trusted. As long as you have a good reason why she shouldn't be in contact then any SW will give you some advice, might speak to her and probably sign it off.

sparklepops123 · 19/03/2018 16:23

Let her sweat, she’s going to be dreading facing you now

blueskyinmarch · 19/03/2018 16:24

Has she been allowed to go home? If she has then they are not really too worried about what she said. When we had significant concerns we would ask the child to be held back so we could speak to them and decide what action to take in order to safeguard them

GothMummy · 19/03/2018 16:26

Of course you can remove her phone/laptop /xbox/ whatever, you are the parent!

Thebluedog · 19/03/2018 16:28

Be completely open and honest with SS, you never know they may actually give you some pointers on how to deal with her.

Imo you are completely within your rights to confiscate her phone.

Hopefully she’ll soon realise she’s been an idiot and fed up once she realises how serious it is.

As others have said, anything like this has to be reported by the school, they can’t not.

Scabetty · 19/03/2018 16:40

When you go home ask her to have a chat. Be calm and get her to explain what is the problem.

SS may refer her to a support worker with your agreement for a ‘chat’ They have experience with teens. My friend’s son met with one in his home. They chat about feelings and things she may not want to share with you. It seemed to help my friends ds and his file has been closed.

londonista · 19/03/2018 16:43

@rabbitrabbit12 Flowers

Hang in there Mum ... if it's any consolation, I was a total bitch to my mum as a teenager and I absolutely love her to bits these days, my best friend (always has been, if I'm honest).

londonista · 19/03/2018 16:44

BUT I didn't think of reporting her to the Social, mind you Grin

Neweternal · 19/03/2018 17:31

I had this once when my son was much younger, it is extremely stressful and closed immediately. Afterwards I have made it clear to him you have to be careful what you say to adults and teachers, even the TV you might see after 9pm as they will just call SS. I also once got a phone call from the school for him playing "five nights a Freddie's", because another child told the teacher it was an 18 cert (it's a kids game).

No one wants children beaten and battered but this is a world away from a parents trying to instil boundaries and respecting you as the adult.

AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave · 19/03/2018 17:54

Are you sure it was SS who phoned you? Could she be playing a prank?

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/03/2018 19:05

If she gets phone back don't let her have Snapchat because it's rife with inappropriate messages.

Equally you should really be 13 to have FB but if she has a relative and you are able to have her password I'd go with that.

Parent lock on internet explorer/Safari.

Q

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/03/2018 20:59

Oops posted too soon. I'm not some old lady who doesn't know better at 28 it wasn't that long ago before I was doing the same as your DD with internet. However, my parents were clueless about things like that at the time and therefore I wasn't protected from things.

I hope it goes OK with SS. They are trained to ask questions in a specific way and at 12 she's unlikely to keep the same story for long.

Pokemonlovepower · 20/03/2018 09:40

That sucks!! Hope you had a big chat once she was home

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 20/03/2018 09:58

Bloody hell, what a shock for you! I hope she gets a shock of equal proportions when she realises that Social Services isn't a toy to be messed with, it's a serious thing to protect children in real danger and aid families in trouble.

For what it's worth, I completely agree with all the posters who've said that you did well - I have no experience with parenting older children but from the books I've read it appears many mums wish they'd stepped in and observed social media and phone communication when the child started going quiet and distant. Much the same as grown ups, I guess! And she's only 12! So that phone is pretty much yours...

Fingers crossed it all got resolved and you get a VERY big apology from your daughter.

namechange2222 · 20/03/2018 10:10

The phone confiscation is neither here nor there. It could have been an earlier bed time or ban on going to a sleepover.
The extremely concerning behaviour is the false allegation by a child old enough to know what the consequences for a parent will likely be.
I can't put into words just how horrified I'd be if a child of mine did this. I really feel for you OP

Original poster
rabbitrabbit12 · 20/03/2018 15:21

Just an update, dd was very sorry about what had happened. Her dad and I spoke separately to her and explained the consequences. I don't think she will be doing it again.

In her defence she did say she went to school tearful and her tutor sent her direct to the pastoral manager who she said was getting angry with her and asking her lots of questions which my dd said she just said yes to so I feel she was having words put in her mouth and blowing things out of proportion!!

Anyway phone has been locked down to just text and calls so hopefully we can go back to normal.

Thanks for all your messages x

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 20/03/2018 15:27

Phew OP. Sounds like all will be ok.

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