Are we being over protective?

[Was1969]

My DD started y7 in September with only one boy from her old school attending. She's settled in well and has made a lot of new friends. She travels to school by bus each day (3 miles) but is collected by grandparents as DH and I are both still at work. DD has been invited to friends after school but because we don't know them, their families or even where they live we have said no. She is upset which I understand but we can't help but worry. I did say yes on one occasion but DH said if something happened it would be on my head so I started to worry and changed my mind. Are you being overprotective or just sensible?

Can you find out more about them before just saying No? It's perfectly normal to go to friends after school but perfectly reasonable to find out a bit more first. I would want to know where they live and how she was getting there. Would parents be in etc?

I have a y7 too. I think you are being a bit over protective.

I would ask for the address, that is not unreasonable. And check whether a parent will be present. Also not unreasonable.

I assume your DD has a phone? If not then she needs one. She needs to be told that if she goes to a house and doesn't feel comfortable for any reason (dangerous dog, dodgy older sibling, whatever) she can phone grandparents/you and be collected early.

If people offer to drop home then say no thank you first time so you or GPs can go and collect and at least meet the adult in charge.

I would say no to a sleepover if your DD hasn't been to the house before to know she feels comfortable there. Or at least with a sleepover you / GPs should drop off to check location etc.

In answer to your question, yes you are! And it will be embarrassing for your dd if she isn't allowed to socialise after school.

Secondary school is the ideal time to start letting them spread their wings a bit. Have you not met her friends? Encourage her to invite them home.

Do her grandparents actually collect her from school?

I think it's perfectly normal to be concerned about where your daughter is but surely as long as you know the address, and your daughter is contactable then it's ok?

I can't remember meeting any of ds2 friends parents, he is in year 8 now but I know where they live and I can call ds2 if I need to

Secondary school is a massive change for parents, as well as children, and I remember being worried when mine were in year 7 (now year 11). You suddenly go from knowing most of the parents to having very little contact at all.

However, you def do need to let her go - find out more detail and make sure her phone has enough charge.

Saying no to social things in year 7 will hold her back massively - the vast majority of people/parents are lovely - what does your DH think will happen?

Thank you for your replies. You have all confirmed what I already knew but it was good to hear some other views. I agree it will hold her back and realise there needs to be some give in our side. I'm a bit more relaxed but still worry. I think the main issue is going from meeting parents at the school gates to having no contact at all. I will sit down with DH and see if we can find some middle ground to give DD a bit more freedom x

When mine were in Y7 and started being invited over by new friends, I asked for the parent's mobile number so I could text to check my child was expected and find out what time they were invited till. Once I was in text contact with the parent, I gave permission for my child to go. Likewise, when my children wanted to invite a new friend over in Y7, I asked for the parent's mobile number so I could confirm the arrangement with them.

By Y9 or Y10, they make their own social arrangements, but Y7 is an inbetweeny age when they still need a bit of support.

Yes, you are being overprotective. The only way to get to know who the kids/parents are is to let her go and then pick her up afterwards.

You are being over protective.
Just make sure you know the address, and make sure she has a phone.

Let her know what to do in the unlikely event if she feels uncomfortable for any reason (ring grandparents, or whatever... or even ask the grandparents to ring her an hour after school finishes or something).
Make sure she is clear about how long she is going for / how she will then get back home.

You are NOT being overprotective, you're being a good parent. To send your 7 year old child to a home where you don't know anything about the other parents is just irresponsible. Your child is SEVEN. Not 13.

She's not 7. She's at secondary school!

What does your dh think might happen? I do think dads tend to be more over-protective than mums tbh (on a scientific sample of me and dp ) Her social life is going to be very stunted though unless he chills out a bit.

I think you might need to prepare yourself for her not wanting to be collected by the grandparents as well pretty soon- lovely though it is, and fantastic as a memory it will be in X years' time, there's only one thing more embarrassing for a teen/pre-teen than being picked up by Mum, and that's being picked up by the grandparents, sadly. Especially once it starts impeding on her having that natter outside the school gates etc.

Aqua the op's dd is in Yr7 (so 11 or 12) , not 7.

IME lifelong friendships are made either walking home or getting the bus home from school with pals. That includes spending time at each other's houses after school.

Secondary is the time to let them spread their wings a little. You are being a good parent in wanting to know where your child is but I think you should let them go with the proviso that they tell you the name and address of the friend and send you a quick text to let you know they are safe and that they have arrived at friend's house. And a getting home plan is a good idea to sort out in advance. Re Grandparents picking up from school .... is it necessary? Very few DC's are picked up from Secondary School and your DC might prefer to make their own way home.