WWYD? - DD outrageous behaviour

[sickofthiss]

I have name changed, as I'm embarrassed.
My dd 12 almost 13 has been behaving badly for months now-
Rude, screams at us, swears, generally horrid.

We have taken things off her-phone laptop etc. grounded her, cancelled nice things and on and on.

Just lately things have got much worse. A few weeks ago, we found lighters and cigarettes in her room. We confronted her, cue screaming match and denial- friend had put them there etc.

Then last week her class went on a school trip and her head of year phoned us yesterday morning to say she had been sanctioned at school for calling her teacher a Fucking Bitch (on the trip).
We are really angry with her and have already told her she wont be going to x because of this.
Also making her write a letter of apology for the teacher.

Any ideas on what works please?

Not sure what's got into her, she has always been a strong character but was always so nice and kind too.

Any words of advice gratefully received.

Have her friends changed recently?

I would sit her down and ask if there is anything bothering her - just to make sure there isn't something going on.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. My sympathy OP. I was a lot like your daughter. In hindsight I was being influenced by the people I was hanging around with. Don't underestimate peer group pressure.

She changed schools in September, she's now at the end of year 7.
She has made some lovely new friends, much nicer than her old friends, who she grew away from.
I worry that she is the pressure/bad influence on them and their parents will try to get them to avoid her when they get wind of it.

We have had so many chats and reasoned and sanctioned her.
We've told her we don't want to be this strict or for her to miss out, that ultimately it's her choice etc.

Just can't seem to get through.

Oh dear. I would call in the professionals then, because it does sound as though you are doing all the right things. Can you speak to the school counselor and ask about psychologists locally who specialise in working with teenagers?

Clearly she is on a dangerous path at the moment...

Read Divas and Doorslammers. It's great and will help you give sanctions and sort out her behaviour.

Good luck!

Hi thanks for your reply.
We have been having discussions with the head of year about getting some in-school therapy for her which is starting in September.

Also they have been doing some special social groups (with similar children) and say that she has responded well to that.
We are all trying, but things just seem to be getting so much worse.

I will get that thanks chicaguapa

I read on here that removing her bedroom door and only returning it when she starts to behave is quite effective......

Mine are too young, but I'm keeping that in mind.

Not sure about the door thing. I think teens do need privacy. I would be inclined to limit her financially too. Bit difficult to buy cigarettes without cash... Pocket money should be dependent on good behaviour.

thanks for all the replies.
pocket money is being saved, or for specific things, until the behaviour improves.
The door thing is tempting, but where do you stop?
All these punishments! It feels horrible, but necessary.
I've taken her make-up away today, she can earn it back with a better attitude.

my dd is starting to behave like yours. sanctions just don't work

My DD hasn't got to this stage and I have older DSs but I do think you are doing the right thing OP (and Mrs Brown). Stay strong.

I think it's about control, and mood.
Unfortunately taking things away and lots of punishments might just alienate her further and make her more angry.

St out the ground rules..such as you can voice an opinion and have a say, but not shouting name calling or nasty. It has to be expressed in a positive and polite way.

Just a different perspective here: is she being stretched at school? Does she have many hobbies during and after school? Is she in a sports team, band, choir etc? Is she getting a sense of achievement? We had similar anger issues with both our children which immediately settled when the above were tackled. Punishments did not work either.. I feel for you as been there twice!!

Get a book on teenage psychology. Get out my life but take me and Alex into twin first. How to talk to teens so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk. Are two very good books.
Punishments don't work all they do is make them hate you more.
Read one of the books it will help massively.

My DD is 11, pretty rude and uncooperative, but tbh punishments don't really work. Ignoring and then talking about it has better results. But I know I'm too soft on her- anything for an easy life! I agree Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town is a good book- maybe our DDs should read it too! Good luck.