How do I deal with the rudeness and defiance of a 10 year old?

[Lucyleeds]

I'm totally at a loss. I believe my daughter and I have a pretty good relationship most of the time, but when it goes wrong (I ask her to do something she doesn't want to) it goes VERY wrong! You can't do naughty steps... I've just tried putting her in her bedroom... But she won't stay? Ideas and advice please!!

I'm never sure about the validity of sending a child to their room, even if they do stay there. They only daydream or play stuff.

If a child insists on rebelling and disobeying you are a bit stuck. However, you can subsequently refuse to do something yourself.

If you need a device, then use something that you control.

e.g. I'm not giving you a lift to xxx tomorrow because I don't want to, just like you don't want to do this thing for me.

Relate you doing something or not to whether or not you wish to help her. Then relate your wishing to help her in some way to her wish to help you.

Ignore the behaviour and just true at your request, I'm trying hard to do this with my cheeky dd and I do think it's paying off.

There are consequences to actions. If she does not do what you have requested then grounding her or confiscating luxuries (games consoles/mp3/phone etc.) works well with my ds. He knows that I will carry out the given punishment and if the poor behaviour continues then the period of punishment is extended. When he has been exceptionally naughty, such as the time he decided that rather than coming home straight from school he would go and play with his mates and not tell anyone he was banned from all extra curricula activities for 2 weeks. He hated me for a period of time but he has never repeated that mistake!

Sending to bedroom rarely works as he just puts his music on or reads a book and chills out!

Explain to her that as a member of the family she has certain rights, privileges and responsibilities. Responsibilities may be specific things like clearing the table or feeding the pets, but also to be respectful towards parents and comply with requests. Rights might include to be housed, fed, have everything she needs for school, to know the reason why she expected to do certain things. (However if she doesn't agree with the reason that doesn't mean she doesn't have to do it.) Privileges are things like going to clubs, getting pocket money, being transported to and from friends, having electronic devices etc. If she cannot handle her responsibilities then she loses privileges. If e.g. pocket money is important to her then every time you have to do one of her chores because she refuses to, you pay yourself out of her pocket money.

It is important to pick your battles and I learn this the hard way. You cannot fight with them about everything. Decide what your non-negotiables are and stand firm on those, and for the rest learn to close your eyes or make peace with the fact that you are going to say the same things over and over again. One day she will leave home and at that point you can stop fighting about a messy room!

Of course positive feedback for the behaviour that you want, e.g. "Thanks for doing the dishes without grumbling DD" or "You did such a good job of tidying your room, I bet it feels good to know where all your stuff is".

I send my 11 year old boy to his room, and it does work. However, for us it is a way of cooling down and getting some space. He knows he comes out when he is relaxed and ready, so I am happy for him to play or daydream. I also tell him that we both need the space, and it helps me calm down too if I'm getting angry.
When he comes out, if he continues to be rude or continue whatever bad behaviour he was put there for, he goes straight back in. But usually it has the desired effect now.

I have also recently started a marble jar which seems to be working rather nicely. Every chore (helping with washing, unloading dishwasher, cooking etc) either of my kids does during the week, gets a marble in the jar. Each marble is worth 10 mins of computer time at the weekend. Suddenly, they are much happier to help out!

Also, I agree with LastingLight - pick your battles. Not all of them are important enough.