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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Is this normal behaviour for a pre-teen?

26 replies

ImASecretTwigletNibbler · 08/01/2014 12:42

DD is coming up to 11yo and is driving me BATTY by not remembering simple little things which I ask her to do over and over. I ask her literally every single day not to leave her dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, to turn her bedroom light off when she leaves the room, that sort of thing but she NEVER does. I've tried everything I can think of to stop it, to no avail. I've talked to her about it, explaining why it's a problem, and each time she swears she'll do it but it's as if she is physically unable to remember. Obviously I wouldn't necessarily expect her to remember one-off things but when she changes her pants each morning, surely it should come into her head when she chucks them on the floor hang on, Mum tells me about this every single day?! Are other kids this age like that? AIBU to expect her to remember such things?

OP posts:
throckenholt · 08/01/2014 13:17

You are not being unreasonable to expect it to happen - however in my experience (3 boys - 1 12, and two almost 11) - it takes a LONG time of reminding before things happen.

Mine seem incapable of turning off lights, can sometimes put dirty washing in the right place etc. But 2 of the 3 are now almost routinely keeping their rooms tidy (the other has fairly random bursts of enthusiasm).

Keep at it - something gets through - I know because they repeat my words at some later stage - so I know it got through and stored somewhere in their brain - now just to get it connected to the right action :)

bigTillyMint · 08/01/2014 13:19

Totally normal IMHE! And also very frustrating.

Just keep on - DD is very gradually showing flashes of slight improvement. She is 14!

PortofinoRevisited · 08/01/2014 13:21

Sounds like my dd. It is infuriating but normal.

SarahAs · 08/01/2014 13:25

My 15yo is exactly the same, I must sound like a broken record! I eventually have to get cross with her, when for the 5th day in a row that cup is still on her windowsill/dirty clothes are still on the floor/empty crisp packet on the floor next to the bin!
Mind you it took me about 2 years to get her to wash (from the age of 11-13 i had to drag her into the bath or shower) but she turned a corner and now i can't get her out of the shower! I'm hoping she'll turn this corner too and just do what she's asked!

LastingLight · 08/01/2014 13:29

We made a list of things dd (11) has to do and stuck it to her bedroom door. She either doesn't look at the list, or thinks she has already done things on it when in fact she hasn't. So I'm back to telling her every day to do the same things, over and over...

Weegiemum · 08/01/2014 13:42

This is normal in our house (we have a just-10 dd2 and an almost-12 ds). DD1 is nearly 14 and she has started remembering about wet towels on the floor/dishes in her room.

Ds leaves his light on so much (it's a paper globe) that dh painted the "Eye of Sauron" from Lord of the Rings on it!! All we have to say "Oh NO! The EYE is watching" and he turns it off!

sussexmum38 · 08/01/2014 17:01

Annoying but normal. I don't think mine have grown out of it.

sussexmum38 · 08/01/2014 17:01

Annoying but normal. I don't think mine have grown out of it.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 08/01/2014 17:08

Hate to tell you but as per others up thread, it's all downhill from here....

DD 13 throws her pants at the laundry bin but never puts them in... DS15 prefers the leave it all on the bedroom floor method... until he gets nagged enough then shoves everything (including the clean stuff he didn't put away) back into the laundry bin....

lights.... whole house will be lit up when I go home...

Kittcen will be covered in pots from one end to the other... at least they've had tea though :) and various glasses, mugs and plates will be scattered throughout the house...

Cats won't have been fed but will have been stuffed with treats, and my evening duty as taxi driver begins at 7:15 as its explorer scouts tonight

Original poster
ImASecretTwigletNibbler · 09/01/2014 09:01

Well I'm sorry for all of you but very glad to hear that it's not just my DD! I was beginning to wonder whether she actually had something wrong with her that made her unable to remember these things.

LastingLight, LOL, I read your first bit about putting a list on her bedroom door and thought "aha, that's it!" - then read the bit where you said it didn't work anyway :)

I did wonder about charging her for electricity when she leaves the light on :) As of last night I officially relinquished control of her bedroom and said that I was no longer going to tidy it up and it was her responsibility to put dirty clothes in the laundry or they wouldn't be washed. She HATES wearing trousers to school and only has two skirts so I reckon by about next Wednesday she will have to go to school in trousers and this may get the message through. Clearly she isn't inconvenienced by her actions at the moment, so she has no incentive to change. There is a half-eaten banana on her bedside table that's been there for 3 days - not sure whether I want it to go mouldy/get flies or not :) (teaching her a lesson versus ewwwww).

OP posts:
Starballbunny · 09/01/2014 09:11

DD2 seemed to forget how to do all organised and helpful things the day she started secondary.

Partly loads of new things and, I think, a subconscious desire not to grow up. To still be mothered and looked after.

It's infuriating, but I mostly let it go. Her 15y big sister is getting much better. Interestingly at the same time as planning where to go for 6th form and uni.

LastingLight · 09/01/2014 09:26

"She HATES wearing trousers to school and only has two skirts so I reckon by about next Wednesday she will have to go to school in trousers and this may get the message through."

Won't work for my dd, she happily wears dirty clothes.

Dancergirl · 09/01/2014 14:48

Those with girls - is my dd the only one to take off knickers and tights/leggings TOGETHER and sort of leave them in a heap on the bathroom floor..?

Starballbunny · 09/01/2014 15:58

No, but don't we all when tired and in a rush?
Any way it's better than DHs habit of leaving his socks under the coffee table, his pants by the bed and loosing his trousers and consequently his keys.

bigTillyMint · 09/01/2014 16:50

dancergirl, no. My DD does it. And DS takes trousers off with boxers and even more annoyingly, jumpers off with shirtsAngry

Original poster
ImASecretTwigletNibbler · 10/01/2014 11:23

Dancergirl, that is exactly what my DD does, despite being told EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

OP posts:
scaevola · 10/01/2014 11:27

Dancergirl - and mine!

Who also leaves lights on, leaves dirty plates in random places (well beyond the places it's ok to take a snack), and is incapable of packing her school bag the night before despite reminder and increasingly hideous sanctions every time i have to look for something inthe morning.

Original poster
ImASecretTwigletNibbler · 10/01/2014 11:31

I'm really worrying about how she will cope at secondary school when they have to remember a lot for themselves :(

OP posts:
Lesshastemorespeed · 10/01/2014 11:34

Dancergirl I call these cowpats.

My dd hates it when I tell people her room Is full of cowpats.

I'm going for the public shame approach Grin

lollylaughs · 10/01/2014 11:35

Pretty normal in this house.... I have now resorted to fining her for each wet towel she leaves lying on her bed and not hanging up. I have told her im deducting x amount from her pocket money each time I find one. It seems to be working. Yes to the leggings and undies off in one hit too.......

ghostinthecanvas · 10/01/2014 11:43

My teen changed overnight. He used to be fairly sensible. I miss that. I have found a wee technique that helps though. I ask him to hang up his clothes. Hang them up. Don't leave them in a heap!!! So now they are in a tidy heap. Which is all I want. Can't think of how to get him to tidy round his bed though.
I asked my eldest 5 gazillion times to brush his teeth between the age of 10 to 16. Between the age of 3 and 10 he just did it.

Dancergirl · 10/01/2014 17:52

Grin at cow pats

Joiningthegang · 11/01/2014 10:40

Same here too! Yes legging and pants together, yes tidying up mean all clothes in laundry tidy or not,
Yes to finding socks EVERYWHERE and yes to stuff left growing!

However, I have decided that I will embrace going in and tidying her room once a month or so - who knows what h might find out - I think much better than not knowing anything. Nothing of interest to date but in the coming years maybe something cold alert me to something?

By the way I am not talkin about readin diaries or snooping

Starballbunny · 11/01/2014 13:20

No reading diaries or deliberate snooping, but I always have and always will wander in and out of DDs room's gathering up washing and generally keeping an eye on things.

I don't get teens rooms are no go areas for parents, it simply wouldn't work.

I n any case DD2's big room has things belonging to the rest of us stored in its darkest corners.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 11/01/2014 16:15

DD1 (11) is the same, also for the tights/knickers. DD2(nearly 10) is much tidier.

Re tidying room. She has to tidy it if her friends are coming over. If it isn't tidy, I won't invite her friends over. She is still in Primary school for another year, so mothers still involved in playdate invites. However, she does like her room to be tidy when she has friends over. So hoping that will continue through secondary school!

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