What do you do when it!s your DC who is the bully?

[notarealgrownup]

There seems to be loads of advice on MN about coping/tackling bullying from the victims point of view.
But what if your DC is the bully? What do you/ can you do if their classmates are scared of your child?

You make sure the school is telling you everything your child has done, and you punish as brutally and as harshly as you possibly can.

The damage your child is causing is life long. You have to do everything you possibly can.

Our daughter did something we weren't happy with, so we made her contact the parent and apologize. She hated this.

As said ask the school to tell you everything they are aware of. Do they punish for everything that happens. As I said my daughter did something wrong once, just she had a detention for it. Also, you could try speaking to the school and she if they have any suggestions. They will want to work with you, rather than against you.

My son bit another child last year when he was 5. School made him miss his break and he sat outside the heads office. I made him write an apology to the boy hit bit and to the teacher and he went to bed early with no story. I also called the parent that night to say how sorry I was. Luckily that was the end of it.

I would say punish them straight away and make them miss out on something important to them. Talk to the other parent to express how sorry you are and that you are tackling the problem so they know you are doing it.

Punishment would change depending on how old the child is.

How you handle it should really depend on how old the child is and to what extent he is capable of understanding the consequences (long and short term) of his actions.

I think you need to make it clear to your child that you will always love them but you don't like what they are doing and make it clear that the only one who has the power to stop what the behaviour is the child. I also think you need to think why your child is doing the bullying - I don't believe anyone is born bad - so what has changed for your child?

Don't try to excuse his/her behaviour or make allowances for bullying.
Take it seriously, like Rosencrantz said, this is potentially lifelong damage being caused. The bully needs to know that the behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Tbh, the bullies I know have all been allowed to get away with it at home, because the parents can't believe their little darling would ever behave like that, or they inadvertently teach their dc that weakness in others and differences (such as SN) are intolerable.

It is difficult to say without knowing how old the child is and the extent of the bullying issue. The very fact that you are aware amid the problem and want to do something is a start as many parents refuse to see when their child is in the wrong.

is he systematically targetting one child ie bullying or being rough to everyone.
Usually bullying is a form of acting out some unhappiness.i would be more inclined to talk about what drives him to behave this way.why he is doing it, what was he feeling or thinking at that moment. You can't punish someone into becoming a kind empathetic person. School is punishing him, you don't have to do that too

How old is your DC? Am presuming this is more than one incident.

I think you have to make him/her face the consequences of his/her actions. Make them face the children they bullied, see their fear and upset, and admit to doing wrong.

Its not just about punishment, and I don't think extremely harsh punishments should be your goal.

No experience. My view:

Try to find out why they are behaving like they are:

• do they know it's wrong
• is there a trigger
• is it a power thing, to be in control
• do they want to stop but can't

Absolutely re-inforce the behaviour is wrong and not to be tolerated.

Then work with the school to find ways of stopping / preventing the behaviour

• playing in a different area / having to stay near a supervisor
• always lining up at the end
• moving tables to work on their own
• go to a TA if starting to get upset/wound up

Lots of praise for good behaviour

Thank goodness someone else has asked this question! There's loads of support for those who are being bullied but little to help parents who think their child may be bullying. The assumption is always that those parents don't give a damn or are oblivious and that the bully is an all round bad egg or comes from a bad background. My 9 / 10 yo has had a few problems at school with someone he became friends with. lots of what I initially considered low level stuff e.g. tagging him every time when playing. It was very spasmodic and like the normal fallings out of that age group. The friend experienced the same from other peers, and although they were aware of the upset it was causing, some of them, including my son felt they had to continue as they didn't want to stand to for him and lose the friendship of the rest of the group. School and all parents are aware. Everything is fine for a while then my son with say / do something hurtful. Ordinarily he is communicative, sensitive and mature. So why?When I talk to him i think he's struggling with not really liking the child but feeling that if he excludes him, he'll be bullying him, but can't keep a perfect friendship with him all the time. The friendship dynamics have changed within the small class / school and I think my son is struggling with that. He responds at times to his close friends as he does his sibling (7yo brother) - bickering, snide comments, teasing. Are these behaviours ok for siblings and not friends? Does that mean he's bullying his sibling? I'm working on improving my son's self esteem and using the book "bullies, bigmouths and so called friends". If an incident occurs we punish by 'grounding' him and then using the time to talk it all through. I'm hoping all of this and maturity solve the problem. I would be really interested to know how you get on :) good luck x