anger mgt in 11 dd

[holidaysrcoming]

some help pls....

dd's anger seems to reaching unmanageable proportions. she literally struggles to control herself at the smallest of incidents and I am failing miserably in my techniques to sort it out.

a quiet, slightly lacking in confidence, eager to please girl at school at home she lashes out if asked to do anything she doesn't want to; is asked to hurry up changing etc; take advice of any sort - friendships homework etc. I literally find myself saying 'you make yourself into a person no one wants to help'

sometimes its verbal, othertimes it's literal stamping of the feet or physical - just this week kicking the back of my seat whilst i'm driving or hitting her brother quite badly on his head.

I've bought her a book ' what to do when your temper flares' got her to read, re read write down techniques, which can work if I anticipate that she might have an angry response, but most of the time the anger is so unexpected and comes w/out warning. She genuinely feels others need to change their behaviour rather than recognise she has to be in control of her response.

Neither of us are like this so I'm pretty sure its not learned behaviour, if you've got this far ALL ADVICE WELCOME !!!

No advice but bumping. DD1 aged 8 is like this (although not usual physical) - it's always someone else's fault. Never shows her temper outside the home.

I am struggling to deal with temper outbursts at moment. I can stay calm at home and deal with constant whining and bad temper(although it is wearing me down) In public I feel embarrassed and don't cope with it very well!

My 11yr old DD is very similar, it's exhausting, will be tuning in to see if anyone can help us!

My 10 year old DD can be like this on occasion. Usually ends in a row, her crying and then making up with cuddles. I find sometimes getting cross and saying that the behaviour is unacceptable can help, after she's calmed down her behaviour is much better for a few weeks. She has hit once blew a raspberry right in my face, but you can see her realising she's crossed a line and backing off.
My advice would be stay calm if you can, but explain that it is unacceptable behaviour. I think at this age they have no logic to their arguments and get frustrated because they cant justify the behaviour. I find it best to leave her alone until calm and then have a talk about it.

not sure if it'll help, but I've found the book 'how to talk so your teens will listen..' useful - has helped me to cope