12 yo dd on porn!!

[Anonmum25]

I found porn on my dd's phone in July and after confiscating her phone and grounding her I accepted her excuse that her mates were on her phone when she was out (I put it down to a 1 off) but today I have found porn again on her ipad which she has accessed whilst on her own I confronted her and she didn't deny it and said she went on it because she was bored! I am furious. Is it normal ?
She will be 13 in December I think she forgets how young she actually still is sometimes, she has major attitude and tells constant lies I am at the end of my tether. I hardly get complaints from school just for arguing with other girls but no bad behaviour but her attitude towards me and the lies are becoming horrendous. I gave her a card with £5 in for her friends birthday last week and she stole the £5 and I lost my temper and did smack her and take her phone I ended up throwing her phone and smashing the screen but I know I was wrong to do this I just don't know what else to do grounding and confiscation of her phone etc makes no difference. What do others suggest ? I was logging in to mention the porn but I've ended up going off on one lol.

Why don't you have restrictions set on it?

She has restrictions set up on the Internet but when on wifi she can access anything. I've rang her network provider who says there is nothing they can do so if I could have restrictions or knew how to i would

You should be able to get a lock for your daughters phone to stop her accessing adult content.

However, I dont know how you expect your daughter to behave reasonably when you are throwing her stuff and smashing it. That must have been terrifying for her.

She's 12. I would remove her internet-enabled devices, and give her a basic phone for texting and calling.

However, I think you should do more investigations into the porn. What was she l

Sorry - what was she looking at? If it was "naked boys" I'd be less concerned than "xxx rated", for example. Have you spoken to her about sex? Is she involved with an older boy? You need to get to the bottom of why she's looking for it. Is someone pressurising her to do things that she doesn't know what they are? I'd be quite worried, TBH.

I think it's normal teenage curiosity to look at porn. It's up to you as a parent to restrict her access rather than expect her not to look.

FGS - what Agent Provocateur said. You're the adult. She's a kid.

I come online for advice not to be criticised as a mother I know I'm the adult and she's the kid obviously your kids are perfect

I asked if this was normal behaviour for a girl of her ages as I still think she is really young.

As I said before if restrictions could be put on her phone they would be, as it goes she doesn't have a phone at the moment anyway.

Terrifying because I threw her phone get a grip I'm not the only mother to ever lose my temper

Try a device based filter such as K9. A savvy teen may be able to search in such a way that any filter could be circumvented, but this is one of the harder ones to get round.

By this age though, the only real protection comes from within the person. You can limit it on her devices, but not those of her friends. What is your communication like generally?

I was 13 when I found my dad's porn. The main difference between my generation and your daughter's isn't the curiosity about sex, it's the ease of availability of online porn.

if she has overheard dc at school talking about it and got curious, I think yes it is fairly natural that she did a search and viewed it. You need to talk to her I think about porn vs. realistic sexual (and positive) sexual experiences and then you need to do all you can to block access. Take away the phone, take away the ipad if you have to.

I think it is normal to be curious about sex at 12.

you need to talk to her very openly about porn. Especially about how it is not anything like real sex and should be thought of as a cartoon.

Ask her why she wants to see it, is it to understand about sex? inwhich case you need to let her know that real life sex should be far more loving, fun, sensual etc etc than porn.

That in rl women and men do not normally look like porn stars and that when she has sex that anal sex is not obligiatory.

Apologise to her about the smacking/shouting/throwing that was of course unreasonable, but we all as parents are unreasonable as parents, unless of course our children and we are perfect.

One of the best tips I've found on the teenagers board, (my eldest dd now is) is that you can drive yourself demented trying, but they get to a point where you have to accept that you can't control them any more, just show them consequences.

I think, as far as the porn is concerned, she needs to hear from you why it's a problem. I read my two Sinead O'Connor's open letter to Miley Cyrus from the Guardian last week. It was very powerful, not least because of the liberal use of the word "fuck" which they are not used to hearing from me. It has made them think, and they have wanted to talk about body image and the dancers on x factor since.
Good luck!