my thirteen year old cries at night and before school

[jesneep]

my daughter hates school so much she tries to stay awake at night so that the day won't end. She's a bright 13 year old but struggles with friendships - she's a bit too sensible for her peers. She hates sport which doesn't help. She has no confidence and its heartbreaking when she begs me not to make her go to school. We have a very good relationship but I'm out of ideas on how to help her. She won't let me talk to anyone about it and would be mortified if I did. Does anyone have a magic answer?

not a magic answer, no, but you do need to talk to whatever support services are available at school. They will help and be able to do so sensitively. Better tackled early, what you describe may develop into school phobia/refusal if not dealt with. Has she been tested for aspergers/autism at all?

You need to talk to the school, even if she doesn't want you to. They might have suggestions for non-sports clubs she could join, or places that she could go at lunchtime.

I know some sensible girls who help out the librarian in the school library most lunchtimes, would she be interested in something like that?

Thank you for your suggestions. She has a small circle of 'friends' but it seems she feels they are not 'true friends' because they talk about her and others and she thinks that's wrong- typical girls bitching. Academically she is at the top end - she's never been tested for aspergers although it has crossed my mind. Generally I think she is socially inept due to confidence problems and can make herself a victim as a consequence.

girls on the spectrum can go undetected for a long time, because they are good at keeping quiet and "mimicing" NT behaviour but really need help. Not being able to cope with the subtle aspects of social situations as they/their peers mature and taking a "black and white" viewpoint is very typical of asd, as is the apparent extremes of emotion you've described.

thank you - do you know what form the support would take? she hates talking about problems to anyone at school - I think it makes her feel inadequate - also I'm worried that she shouldn't be labelled unncessarily.

My daughter was just like this when she went to Secondary school. She cried every morning when I left her at the school gate. I thought long and hard about it. Took het out of the education system and taught her at home. Was a brilliant three years. She learnt so much more in every way. She is now at Uni doing psychology.

She has no syndrome. Schools not always the best thing for your children. I felt the same when I was younger.

You need to make the adult decision to speak to someone. This is not your daughters decision.

She may need cbt or something like that and the only thing that is going to get you that is speaking to someone.

Marking my place as I have a dd aged 13 who exactly fits your description in your OP except I hope she doesn't cry and stay awake at night. She actually goes quite cheerfully (on the surface) to school as she is doing so well academically, but deep down I know she is desperately unhappy and just wants one friend.

I need to go out now, but I wanted to mark my place so I can read the advice later.

You need to talk to the school asap and try and nip this in the bud before she becomes a school refuser.

There should be a school counsellor, ime they are very helpful.

This really needs to be tackled head on though imo. Poor thing

that would depend on the school and, in part, what your dd would accept. At a minimum I'd expect her teachers to be made aware she's having a tough time so they can keep an eye out for her. She doesn't even need to know that much is happening. Other options could include a support worker or older-student mentor to talk to. (I have known a child spend their pe lessons playing a lighthearted game of badminton with their keyworker as they chat, would dd go for that if she's not sporty?) somewhere to go with adult support at breaktimes, confidence building or social skills groups would be another option.

Well not as a parent as mine loves school - but I was that child, and what I wanted was for my mum or dad to HE - I was great at the work, good, well behaved I mean - but I had no friends and felt so vulnerable and unhappy that I spent most days dreaming out the window, drawing in my notebooks and longing for the day I could leave.

It was a miserable existence. I think I have AS, too - and some people I knew from the local steiner school seemed happy there. I wanted to go there or stay at home. Unfortunately it didn't happen and I ended up getting so depressed by my A levels that I dropped out as I literally couldn't bear any more of it.

All my academic talent was wasted really. I have never got anywhere.

There may be ways of encouraging her and helping her, that don't involve HE etc but do listen to her when she says she's miserable xxx

My DD was the same but at primary, not secondary. We started flexi-schooling, which really helped but I'm not sure how easy that is to do at secondary.

thank you all so much for your comments - it makes me teary that there are so many unhappy girls out there. I had experience of mean girls at school and found a soul mate at 14. I guess that is what my daughter needs. I will prob speak to someone at the school altho not sure who just yet. she does ballet and dance out of school but has not made a 'buddy' there yet. will let you know how it progresses -dumbledoresgirl - but just getting comments has helped my resolve - thanks again, I was at the end of my tether :)

Another suggestion here to consider home education, OP. There's a home ed section of MN you could have a read of. My daughter has got a really nice set of friends now (HE for 18 months) and is so much happier than when she was at school. She's recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and yes it often presents very differently in girls.