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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Help me set some rules for DS1 aged 11 to meet up with his friends

12 replies

grants1000 · 21/06/2013 20:33

Right then DS1 aged 11 in Y6 at school has asked to playout with some of his friends, in the early evenings after school and into the Summer hols. Most of his friends are nearby, but he would have to cycle a bit on his own, for about 5-7 mins to meet up with them at a central point, a big green in the middle of some houses. He'd be cycling down roads full of houses, so nothing remote, we live in a smallish market town. Some his friends do this already and he's deperate to join in. So he will have a mobile and we will have going out and coming in times, which he will have a watch. I will liaist with the other Mums too as a back up. I've talked to him before about stranger danger and will do so again. What else should I cover? I hate the idea myself, but I do need to give him a bit of freedom as he's in secondary school from Sept, but I'm totally paranoid and worry too much, so I need some help to manage this so we are both happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
grants1000 · 21/06/2013 20:36

I have to say my PFB is kicking in big time!

OP posts:
chickensaladagain · 21/06/2013 20:41

Erm he's going to high school in September and you are only just allowing him to play out???

Dd is the same age

For the last 2 years various children have been meeting at the green, larking about then coming in when they are told

No need for parental involvement

Original poster
grants1000 · 21/06/2013 20:56

He's never asked before!! He's been to sleep overs and gone to the movies with mates after being dropped off, so it's never really come up before. I've not kept him in on purpose honestly!

OP posts:
kernowal · 21/06/2013 22:17

You're not that unusual. My Yr6 DD has only been allowed out this year on her bike by herself to go to the park or local shop. None of her friends live nearby as she goes to an out of catchment school, so she is by herself. I'm going into hospital this week and won't be able to drive, so it will be the first time I'm letting her cycle to school by herself about 1.5 miles away. I think I'm more worried about that than my op. Not sure how what we're going to do in September, as her new school is 2-3 miles away, she's not eligible for the school bus and I work full-time.

So far we've agreed that she will text me to say she's arrived & she has a couple of "safe places" along each route, where she knows she can stop if she has a problem ie.chain falls off bike.

toolatetobed · 22/06/2013 00:01

I think one point to make if you haven't already is that he is not to go anywhere other than the green without letting you know/asking for permission. Another is that if all the others are going home, he should come home too even if it's earlier than his coming in time. Some kids would do this anyway, others might want to stay out on their own. If the kids are going to be cycling around together, I would stress the importance of always making sure he looks out for traffic and doesn't just follow his mates without checking for traffic himself.

TeenAndTween · 22/06/2013 17:00

I would also talk to him about expected standards of behaviour, and say that if you get reports of him being a nuisance/rude etc then he won't be going out.

Also, if any of the others have houses nearer the green than yours, consider rules/guidelines for going into their houses e.g. that's fine (as you have his mobile number), only certain houses (where you know the parents), only to use loo, not at all.

Possibly also discuss 'get outs' if the others want to do something he is not keen on / not allowed to do (e.g. just remembered needs to go home, blaming you etc).

usualsuspect · 22/06/2013 17:05

How is he getting to secondary school?

lljkk · 22/06/2013 17:07

That's how I was treating Dc when they were 9, OP. (Okay not DS2, but DS2 is DS2). I suspect what you propose is more than adequate.

TeenAndTween · 22/06/2013 17:28

Is the secondary school in your town or will he have to make his own way somewhere else?

You will need to ensure that both he and you are ready for him to be travelling in required way by September, so if you are not used to him being out without you, then you will need to put the steps in place for him to be ready by then.

So if you haven't done this already, think what will be required of him in Sept, and what interim steps you need to go through to get him/you to that level of independence and get working on it!

(With my DD1, sometimes she is not ready for things I want her to do, and then sometimes she seems to want to jump about 10 steps all in one go and if put out when I won't let her, it gets very confusing ...)

Ruprekt · 23/06/2013 09:59

Our rule as well is, he must answer the phone when you are phoning him!!

Madmog · 23/06/2013 14:06

My daughter hadn't really gone off anywhere in Year 6, so they are all different. She's in Year 7 now and all of her friends seem happy to be here or their house. Sometimes she asks to walk to Tescos/library with a friend and I just ask if they go off somewhere else to let me know. She will often pop into a friends house on the way home, so she knows if she's going to be more than 15 mins late, she has to let me know where she is. So my basic rules are that I like to know where she is and she must switch her phone (often forgets!).

I'm very lucky to have phone numbers for all her old and new friends and us Mums don't hesitate to phone eachother if they are late from school, so I'm lucky we are like minded.

BackforGood · 23/06/2013 14:12

If they are doing anything at the Green, such as having a kickabout, then I'd ask him what he's going to do with his bike, when not sitting on it (as in lock it to something, make sure it's not in other people's way, etc.)

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