I am too cross to think straight. Please come along with calmness and morning gin.

[CoffeeandaCrisis]

Yesterday DD1 (12) was sent home from school after having diarrhoea. She told me that her teacher had said she couldn't come back the day after, because of hygiene reasons, which seemed perfectly reasonable.

Now she is downstairs having a raging tantrum because wants to go to school now and she can't go. Because she LIED. The teacher said no such thing and now she is incandescent with rage. She has hit me, she has hit her sister. She's screaming the house down and raging.

It's too late for her to go to school. I have sent her back to bed but I am livid and I can's think straight. Before I go downstairs and pack all her things into a sack and set light to them in the back garden, can someone tell me what kind of consequence you might impose for this? Because I am so close to violence it is ridiculous.

I am speechless that she's taken it so far this time.

I'd tell the school - they'd happily deal with it!

sounds horrendous

but why can't she go to school?

the hitting is awful - my two used to do that, they grow out of it...usually

I'd also ring school then take her in late with a kick up the arse no tv etc after school either just dried bread and gruel

Why can't she still go to school? I would be packing her off with the promise of some serious discussion when she gets home.

I can't say for sure what I would do if my teenage daughter ever lifted her hand to me, but there would be severe consequences. Grounding, loss of tv/Internet or whatever she would most miss.

just to clarify - my two used to hit each other, not me...

Did she have diarrhoea, because if she did she isn't meant to go to school for at least 24 hours after the last episode.

I'd just go downstairs and ignore her for now.

If she did have proper diarrhoea she isn't allowed back at school anyway for 24-48 hrs, whether the teacher said anything or not.

If she lied about being ill in the first place that's a different problem.

Then I guess it's wait till she calms down, explain your expectations on telling the truth and that hitting is never acceptable and decide between you on a consequence.

At the very least she needs to say sorry to, do something nice for her sister.

Imposing massive withdrawal of privileges will simply give her a reason to hate you, not make her reflect on what she's done.

Reflection is not something preteens or teens are good at, you have to keep them on side and talking, even if that means feeling they have got away with things rather lightly.

She did have an upset tummy; at primary school they had a 48 hour rule so I'd half intended to keep her off anyway. The lie cemented it but I might well have done it anyway.

Startail you're right about the age group - a previous tantrum which resulted in a social thing being cancelled made no difference.

But it does leave you wondering where to go. She gets frustrated and angry and is often violent.

I have sent her to bed for now. She is all penitent and wailing but I am not dealing with her till we're all a bit calmer

thank you

OK, without wanting to steam in with a label and sound like a total tit.....

Have you heard of ODD, oppositional defiance disorder? You say this is not an unusual outburst from your DD? Does is happen alot, does she deal badly with negative responses, is she tricky when not getting her own way? But otherwise heavenly? Perhaps something to think about.

ODD is a syndrome that needs careful parenting and strategies, but your GP could refer you to a peadiatric consult and you go from there.

Sorry if this has missed the mark.

Sorry you have had a crap morning.

Nilbyname I don't mind at all - but I don't think she has ODD. she does have cerebral palsy and we were told when she was tiny that preteen and teen anger and frustration would be 100x worse because of her physical disability - NT teens think the world is against them but for a disabled child it literally is. She's perfectly bright though so I always try to parent her as closely as possible to how I would her younger NT sister

coffee

I'm not clear whether she lied abut what the teacher said or about having diarrhoea? Most schools don't want them back the day after D+V.

I have no advanced parenting insight, but no harm in letting her stew for a good while up there and get yourself a cuppa and ignore her for a while.

Sorry to hear you've had a hard morning coffee...I am also struggling with dd's (12) extreme tantrums and outbursts and agree with startail that any discipline such as being 'grounded' that we have used has not been effective and almost seems reactionary from a parental point because the outbursts and extreme behaviour is so difficult to deal with and exhausting!
I agree with the giving yourself a bit of time out from her....its something i have learnt to do fairly recently it doesnt help getting embroiled in it all. I would be interested in what methods of discipline others use and what seems to work.I really agree with startails comment about keeping them close and lines of communication open, at the same time i feel (in my case) i cant let extreme tantrums go unchecked!

There is a useful bit in how to talk to teens about stating your expectations and taking action so that DCs know their actions have consequences, but not using knee jerk punishment.

Pre teens get very frustrated at being neither children nor teenagers.
They want freedom, but in their heart of hearts they know they aren't old enough to handle it.

I'm guessing this is a great deal worse for a child with a disability as she will be doubly aware of wanting more freedom and independence and it being very hard for her to have it.

What I have found is that really daft things like letting DD choose which supermarket or fast food joint we use on a Saturday helps.
Even choosing what's for tea. Very small bits of feeling in control of her own life seem to lower the tension.