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Is this normal and how do I deal with it as I am pretty upset?

242 replies

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 08:05

DS1's school is open. He usually gets the bus and has too today as we can't drive after 8 hours of continuous snow. I wanted to walk to the bus stop with him in case he fell over and the bus didn't come. He did not want me too. He later snapped he'd be teased for being a mummy's boy. He went alone. I may have acted like a two year old as I didn't say bye. Normally he texts to say he is on the bus okay. He has texted DH instead so another one having a strop. DH said I should pick my battles and is fed up of the arguments, with DS1 and I, I suspect he means.

DS1 just texted me, he is at school okay.

I love this child so much. My first born, my heart, and it breaks my heart he treats me like I am nothing some times. We used to be so close and now it feels like he isn't bothered about me and doesn't need me anymore (unless he wants a lift).

I have felt like this for a while, not just over this morning.

OP posts:
ILoveTIFFANY · 21/01/2013 10:10

I get you fab

Your ds is normal.... You are doing a fab job there! Grin

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:10

Thank you PacificDogwood, I am just waiting for the order for the book to go through. I think it will appeal to DS1 too.

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RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 10:11

It may be how you feel but it's not true.

He would have thought that you trusted him and respected the fact that he's getting older.

You are projecting your feelings on to him. What you need to remember is that he doesn't have neglectful un-loving parents. He doesn't feel insecure. He knows that you love him. He doesn't think from the same perspective that you do.

I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you get help with the issues from your childhood.

NigellasGuest · 21/01/2013 10:14

you must try and back off a bit - imagine how he will be when he's 15. It's hard with the first one but you need to treat this as a new phase of letting go, just like when you adapted to him first walking etc. but on a bigger scale. He definitely does still love you! But what peers think etc. feels more important to him ATM. Once he's through this phase things will go back to normal BUT it can take a very long time and be an - ahem - interesting let's say, journey for you both! Try not to make this all about you and your issues. DS doesn't know, understand or care about all that ATM. He wants to make his own way. This age group is essentially totally selfish.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 21/01/2013 10:16

Other people are not responsible for your feelings. Neither your children, or posters on MN, can make you feel bad - you can choose to feel a negative response, or to say, oops, yes, in retrospect you're probably right, will try and remember that next time.
No need to take what everyone says personally. Must be exhausting.

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:17

pictish - I am responsible for how I feel but I am not going to say when I feel maybe it is getting too much and when it makes me cry that maybe it is time to go. As letting strangers upset me is a bit ridiculous. I really do not see how me feeling I should leave because I am getting upset is punishing you. It makes no difference to you whether I am here or not.

He still seems so young to me and I can only go on the fact that I was left alone when in year 1 so it is hard to know when it is fine to let go a bit.

I have tried counselling several times. I had a lot of Hmm looks and they made it clear they could not understand me and my feelings.

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soaccidentprone · 21/01/2013 10:19

ds1 is now 17 but when he was 12 I saw him in town after school with his mates. he completely ignored me, I ignored him, and his mates said hello to me and vice versa.

I thought it was hilarious Grin

ds2 y6, now 11 will still hold my hand in public Shock, however he takes himself to school and back again - a 15 minute walk across 3 busy roads, and has a key to get in. my bus is sometimes late, so he's been in the house be himself for 1/2 her.

they are both so different.

it can be really difficult to let go and let them grow up, but you have to learn to let go.

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:21

I accept you are probably all right. It doesn't mean I am not upset by the fact that I have made mistakes even though I was trying to do what I thought was best.

I am projecting because I didn't have the food, the clothes, anyone to care so of course I am going to be aware of those issues.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:24

You all know this stuff. I just don't.

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RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 10:28

I think your biggest issue is a persecution complex.

You have bypassed the good intention behind the posts you didn't like and immediately felt hurt and got at instead of actually thinking about what was said.

As I said before I am speaking from your son's perspective. With every sentence you sound more and more like my own mother. I understand the personality type I really do.

Unfortunately my mother has never been able to achieve any insight into her behaviour. Our relationship is now purely superficial and that really saddens me.

I don't want that to happen to you, so whilst you may see it as my being deliberately hurtful, what I'm actually trying to do is give you that insight now whilst you can still do something about it.

littlemisssarcastic · 21/01/2013 10:28

OP, IME, DC of your DS's age and parents think totally differently.

I understand that you are worried about your DS, will he fall over and hurt himself on the walk to the bus stop? What will happen if the bus doesn't turn up, will he walk all the way to school? Shock
What if he falls and breaks a bone? You want to be there for him, to be reassured that he has arrived and is safe. I totally understand that.

Unfortunately, most DC of your son's age will see it a lot like this;

'FGS, My mother doesn't even trust me to walk to the bus stop...all the kids at the bus stop will be taking the piss mickey out of me for months, calling me a baby, asking me where my mummy is today, my friends might not even want to stand next to me. I will be mortified!!
I'd rather fall over and break a bone, that would look far cooler to my friends so long as I don't cry lol
I will prove how capable I am by walking to school if the bus doesn't turn up, maybe then my mother will realise how ridiculous she is being.
She even asked me if I wanted to stop texting her, but it's just easier if I do, because if I say I don't want to anymore, she'll probably worry all day and then she'll get upset, and I have to come home to her being upset. I just can't win, because no matter what I say, it always comes down to the same thing...she is only trying to show she cares, I am fortunate not to know what it is like not to have someone who cares so much...well it doesn't feel like I'm fortunate sometimes.
Why can't my mum just save it for when we're indoors and no one is watching??
She just doesn't understand what it's like for me..all she cares about is how she feels!! Grrrrrr!!!'

I have a DS, and he has gone through this, and imo you never stop worrying about them.
DS has driven miles down steely icy one car wide country lanes this morning, compacted with thick ice, no gritting and ditches either side of the roads, to get to work. He is a relatively new driver. I would be apprehensive about walking across the road, let alone driving down desolate country lanes in it, but I am not sitting here wringing my hands. I have learnt to switch off to a certain extent. It is tough, it really is, but if you don't switch off, you will spend your whole life sitting in a state of anxious hand wringing, and believe me it doesn't end when they get to 18.

I know this sounds harsh, but you are suffering the most here OP. Believe me, your DS doesn't spend all day wringing his hands and worrying about you.

Also, just out of interest, do you text your DS your movements? And how would it make you feel if you felt you had to keep him informed, even when you might not want to, for the sake of a peaceful life? Quite possibly that is how your DS feels.
He is reaching an age where he craves more independence, and to trust him to a certain extent is a wonderful gift to impart on him.

Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 10:29

He is old enough for you to discuss this with him.
He is old enough for you to explain that your anxieties do not arise from any concern that he is inept, but come from your childhood.

Allowing a child to be independent is a gift. It tells them that you value their judgement, that you think they are sensible and capable.

Imagine your dh offering to walk you everywhere, reminding you to take wellies to change in to, text when the bus comes - would you feel loved or patronised?

Tell him you trust him, are proud of him but that you check when he might need help out of habit, because he will always feel like your boy. And that you will understand stand when he refuses.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 21/01/2013 10:30

That's fine but stop taking the hump when people try and explain it. And, really, no one absolutely 'knows' anything for sure - some people have had teenagers already and been through similar experiences!

pictish · 21/01/2013 10:31

It could easily be time for another break as I constantly get this when I ask for help.

It is punishing ME, because you are suggesting that I am somehow letting you down, alongside everyone else who has ever let you down.
You are trying to make me feel as though my posts are the reason you want to leave. You are making ME responsible for your upset!

Fortunately, these sort of tactics do not so much as make a dent on me. I'm impervious to emotional blackmail, so I don't accept the blame.

I think you are in possession of a lot of inner rage OP. Once again, I truly do urge you to seek some help for your issues and distress.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/01/2013 10:32

But we didnt know this stuff. I dont think anyone with children knows anything TBH.

With each passing year I know less and less. I know nothing about parenting teenagers.
At he risk of sounding like my granny, its not the same now as when I was 13 (and im only 34)

I think its one of those things you learn as you go along, I know ive made mistakes with my dcs, the trick IMO is to accept you will make mistakes as a parent, and that it doesnt make you an awful person, it makes you human. Its trial and error for most of us isnt it?

Mintyy · 21/01/2013 10:36

You will have many tussles with your teenagers over the years. Many many of them, I am quite certain! Please don't cry over them all ... it will make your children feel bad and that they cannot share anything with you.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 21/01/2013 10:38

Indeed, Tantrums. We all cock up sometimes. For me, it's about keeping the end goal in sight: an independent, secure, capable, well rounded adult man. That's what I want in the end. So that when I do shuffle off this mortal coil, he will be ok. Morbid perhaps, but it's how I feel.

TeaMakesItAllPossible · 21/01/2013 10:41

Just this is meant with the best of intentions ... what does it matter whether they understand you and your feelings? Counselling is about ensuring that you deal with your feelings not that someone else gets them.

My philosophy is like lurcher's - I know that my DSs will want to leave home when they're 18-20. I feel it is my job to teach them everything they need to know to make sure they can make a real go of it - it involves letting go little by little, giving them pieces of new knowledge and information each year. My DH and I spend time talking about the calculated risks we want them to take and then we and the boys get a huge amount of satisfaction from doing it. We explain why we are doing things. That said I still do them a hot water bottle at night, make their favourite cakes, help them with their homework ... just so they know that I love them and that some things stay the same.

It is hard when they grow up - I find it difficult that our relationship is changing and they want their Dad and their pals more. They seem to smile less with me than others. That's my problem though - not theirs. I hide these feelings from them. I think if they were still dependent on me when they're older then there would be something wrong.

I would also recommend getting your hands on as many books about teenagers as possible and a parenting teenagers course. I will be doing it soon too. I think I've been a good parent until now - though I've made mistakes - but I can see from the two oldest boys that my way of doing things so far isn't likely to work with teenaged boys.

littlemisssarcastic · 21/01/2013 10:42

OP, Have you discussed why you feel this way with your DS? Have you spoken to him about your childhood and how it impacted on you?

Jux · 21/01/2013 10:43

That's the thing isn't it? Trust. It's so hard to show them you trust them because it means letting go, and that's horrible. But it's you suffering, and them benefitting. That's why we can do it, because we're grown ups and they're not, so we know what's best. As do you. You know your children need to grow up to be capable of looking after themselves, so we crush our anxiety, and give them more independence as they get older.

That helps us to trust them more, as we see them dealing with difficulties - like slipping the ice - and they learn they can trust themselves too.

It sounds like you've given them what they need for a great start in life, you just have to learn about the next stage. They'll be fine, and you'll be fine, but it's not easy.

(And if the bus doesn't come, he'll just walk home, won't he? And if he slips, he'll get up.)

Vis a vis any of them not getting to school, you won't have to wait until 4 to findmout. These days schools phone to find out where children are if they're not there for registration. You could talk yo the school and tell them what you're worried about, so they know an alert is needed fast.

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:46

RPF - I have taken on board what people have said. I have been sat here thinking about the chat I am going to have with DS1 when he gets home and I have already ordered the book that PD kindly recommended. Obviously things that upset you are going to stick in your mind more.

I have asked for help with parenting but my HV refused as my children are at school. I have resisted going to classes on line as I struggle with socialising tbh.

Pictish - I can't help how you feel with what I post. Posters may be upsetting me but I am not blaming them for the fact I am fucked up. If I do decide to take a break, and didn't say, I would be accused of flouncing or being rude. I can see myself when I am getting upset by strangers it is time to step away.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 10:46

DS1 is 19 now and it is hard when they kind of turn away from us, wanting to cut 'mummy' ties and assert themselves. But feeling hurt and acting hurt are unhelpful ways to deal with it.
I felt sad at times but I didn't want him to feel guilty about just being a teenage boy.
The good news is that he texts me he loves me, sends me presents - even held my arm when we went shopping over Christmas.

You have to understand that your love for them is just a reality they don't think about. You shouldn't need to worry about it - it's there.

The bad news is - if you feel rejected now, wait until he gets a girlfriend Grin


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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:49

It isn't that I can't take it when people tell me I am wrong or will lose my kids. It is just that it hurts as it feels like I am not good enough.

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littlemisssarcastic · 21/01/2013 10:50

Who has said you will lose your kids OP? Confused

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:51

A few months ago he said to me -

When you are younger you really need your mummy more. Then there is time when you want mummy and daddy but then when you get to about 11 you find it is daddy that you need more when you are a boy.

I was surprised I wasn't upset.

OP posts:
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