Fifteen year old boy feeling up my 10 year old son.

[PaWithABra]

My son has come back form a day out with a local youth group for the first time.

when i spoke to him after he said he had enjoyed it. His mum has just rang (he is at hers) and at bed time he broke down crying and told her this boy he had made friends with was tickling him between the legs and asked him to shoe him his cock.

I am a bit stunned. He said they were messing about having a tickle fight (the adults had left them alone on the bus) . when he started to feel uncomfortable with the nature of it, he says he just kept laughing as he didn't know what to do.

dont know what to say. Help !

anyone got any good advice ?

he will be in school tomorrow, he could be (and probably is) doing anything, anywhere, to anyone.

Pa will need to do what he feel is best.

FWIW, my counsellor says only 1 in 8 people who have been abused go on to abuse, so its not a strong probablity he has been abused, and it doesnt excuse it anyway.

It's the Easter holidays... and yes not all those who have been abused go on to do it to others, but most of those who do abuse have suffered it themselves. It's rare for it to spring up from nowhere.

I'm hoping that this is just an immature, idiotic teenager playing silly games and not realising just how inappropriate his behaviour actually is.

Ah it's not Easter holidays here.

JaneDoe
"FWIW, my counsellor says only 1 in 8 people who have been abused go on to abuse, so its not a strong probablity he has been abused, and it doesnt excuse it anyway."

You are loking at it the wrong way. Saying that 1 in 8 people go onto abuse doesnt tell you anything about the proportion of abusers who have previously been abused.

I will let you know what happens.

And yes it is the easter holidays here and the youth group dont have the next outing until wednesday so there is time for the youth group to act and social services to respond.

As for NSPCC, speaking to them was the best thing I could have done.
They explained what has to happen (social services) and that the incident must be assessed . The lady talked through with me the possible senarios; like an immature teenager playing 'silly games' to 'something more sinister'. But they were adamant that a fifteen year old should not be touching a 10 year old in this way and that it appeared to be an opportunistic attack, as he waited till they were alone.
They certainly seemed professional and wanted to proceed with contacting he child protection agency immediately. I said i needed to to talk to his mum first.

My concern remains that which ever agency steps in is that it puts additional stress on my son. I know hes not going to want to have to talk about it anymore .
What a horrible thing to happen after being so brave to join a group and go for a day out without knowing anybody else there and the 'friend' he does make spoils it for him.
Poor lad he always really happy when he makes a new friend and he has always had the confidence to try things by himself.

Anyway , i will go and give him a cuddle on the way to work.

"What a horrible thing to happen after being so brave to join a group and go for a day out without knowing anybody else there and the 'friend' he does make spoils it for him."

:(

Poor kid.

Best of luck with sorting it out.

I hope this doesn't spoil the youth group for him.

cats I have been deliberately looking at it that way.

Pa it's a horrible, horrible thing to have happenedx

Easter Holidays make no difference, my DS wasn't assaulted in school, or a youth group... he was in the village playing field.

I truly understand your concerns of the pressure on him in the here and now Pa, and the course of action you choose is a delicate thing to be negotiated between you, your DC, his Mum and the services, but this kind of event can have a profound effect on an individual in the long term, and I also sadly speak from personal experience.

There are many things that are part of our growing up learning curve, but being touched sexually and inappropriately shouldn't be one of them .
The police were gentle and patient with DS and he was given time and support at every point.

The other boy is not your 'concern' but I still think that as a society, we have a duty of care to help him understand that what he was doing was wrong on so many levels. 15 year olds should understand that it was wrong, but patently something is wired wrongly, and to protect others and also to protect him he needs his own 'support'. And the relative penalty for his actions...

Jane Doe

Why?

Because it's the only way I can get through each day.

Perpetuating the idea that most abusers have been abused, means that victims and their families live with further torment, regardless of how sympathetically that perpetuation is meant.

Abuse victims and their families are further stigmatised by the idea they will go on to abuse.

Despite your concerns about DS opening up, my first point of call would still be the police.

If this boy was just 3 years older and therefore 18 and legally an adult would you still hesitate to call the police knowing he'd sexually assaulted your DS? I don't see how it's any different that this boy is 15.

Even if your DS doesn't want to speak to them, at least your concern will be logged.

Janedoe

It doesnt change the fact though - that some abusers have been previously abused is something real, not something invented to try to make anyone feel better (or worse).

Knowing the relationship between abuse and abusing allows efforts to be made to break that cycle, and also identifying those perpetrators who may be concurrently being abused themselves, for example when a child abuses another child.

Recognising that some people who abuse have been abused in the past (30%+) is not the same thing as saying that all people who have been abused will become abusers (11%). Those figures are for men, rates are different for women.

It doesnt need to be trotted out every time abuse comes up, it is irrelevant to the OP of this post, and in fact to two thirds of abuse victims (using your stats).

Fear of being stigmatised like this is one of the very many factors that prevents abuse victims from speaking up.

It is not an excuse for being abusive is it??

It was relevent because it suggests that there could be child protection concerns applying to the 15 year old.

Its not an excuse, and I dont think that anyone on this thread is saying that, but it may be a partial explanation in some cases, and may point to the best approach to the situation. If for example, a child was being abusive to another, and it was discovered that they lived in a home situation where there were no boundaries, and they were regularly being subject to sexual, physical and emotional abuse by the adults in the household, then that might explain to some extent why that child have behaved as they did, and help in terms of deciding what the next steps should be.

Those things may be an issue for the authorities, but they are not an issue for the a 10 year old victim and his family.

Perpetuating this view makes it harder for people to come forward, regardless of whether it is factually correct. What's the expression - "a little knowledge I a dangerous thing"

ignorant People seize on one part of it, not understanding the bigger picture.

That doesn't mean people on this thread, but it appears most posters here well underhand the relevant issues, the wider population isn't so forgiving.

It could be relevent to the 10 year old boy and parents, as in a situation where they are unsure of whether to alert the authorities or not, the idea that it could be helpful to the older child may not have occured to them. They might then view that as a factor to be taken into account in deciding what to do (or at least not be prevented in doing so out of concern for the older child).

Right, so the needs of the 1 in how many parents, who, while they cant do the right thing by their own child by reporting an abuser, but will to "help" the abuser, are better served by perpetuating this, than the needs of the many, who stay silent because they fear that they, as a victim, will also be seen as a potential abuser.

If someone cant report to protect their own children/children or other innocent children, I cant see many people being convinced to do report to help the abuser.

Not intended at you at all Pa.

Pawithabra, apologies for my hijacking, how is DS today??

I hope, with the right help, he will be able to put this behind him.

It is a sign of his massive trust in his mum that he felt able to disclose so quickly, and a further sign of the 2 of you working together, that she told you so quickly.

Best wishes to you all for the future.

PA's comment at Tue 03-Apr-12 00:12:41 suggests that they thought that it had some relevance.

Do you think that facts which are widely discussed in professional circles should be kept from the public? How would you decide who gets to know these things? Are you going to censor the internet? Only make certain books available to certain people?
It isnt about choosing one groups needs over another, its about being honest about what the known facts of something are.

And I wasnt suggesting that this was as simplistic as people being reluctant to "do the right thing by their own child by reporting an abuser, but will to "help" the abuser" , but it may be a factor in their decision. I know someone who last week had to make that choice, of reporting a boy at their DDs school for an act involving their DD. They were not 100% sure of the best thing to do, and one factor was the boys future. In the end they did report it, but it was not without a lot of consideration of the implications.

Professionals act with full knowledge and understanding, the general public do not.

As with all things surrounding child abuse there is woeful ignorance and hysteria surrounding it, and perpetuating half of anything is harmful to the victim.

In the end they did report it, but it was not without a lot of consideration of the implications.

You see I dont get a parent who has to consider the implications for the abuser, the only implications there should be the well being off the DD, and then other innocent children, reasons for someone abusing aside, not reporting abuse, merely leaves the abuser free to go on doing it.

Not everything is black and white for people, especially when it involves potentially ambiguous situations with a person that they previously liked. It wasnt my situation, or my child, so I dont know how I would have felt if it was.

Do you think that witholding factual information from the public will reduce ignorance and hysteria?

There is nothing - nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, ambiguous, at all, ever, about believing your own child when they tell you they have been sexually assaulted.

I believe you is all a child should ever hear - is that not the whole basis of the mumsent campaign - that we believe.

I don't think we should withhold information - but if it is going to be presented - it should be presents correctly.

ie using your stats - there is potentially a 1 in 3 chance the older abusing child has been abused. Not it is a strong probability.

And quite frankly I don't think a victim of abuse needs to consider the needs of their abuser - the only they they should consider is their own needs.