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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Fifteen year old boy feeling up my 10 year old son.

88 replies

PaWithABra · 02/04/2012 23:12

My son has come back form a day out with a local youth group for the first time.

when i spoke to him after he said he had enjoyed it. His mum has just rang (he is at hers) and at bed time he broke down crying and told her this boy he had made friends with was tickling him between the legs and asked him to shoe him his cock.

I am a bit stunned. He said they were messing about having a tickle fight (the adults had left them alone on the bus) . when he started to feel uncomfortable with the nature of it, he says he just kept laughing as he didn't know what to do.

dont know what to say. Help !

anyone got any good advice ?

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 03/04/2012 00:19

Pa - glad you made that call. You've done the right thing.

Original poster
PaWithABra · 03/04/2012 00:20

I think i will leave the police out of it. If social services feel there is a need for them then well and good.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 03/04/2012 00:24

PaWithABra - exactly - it's rare for this type of behaviour not to have foundation in abuse. The 15 yo almost certainly needs help too.

Here's an example of correct procedure

Original poster
PaWithABra · 03/04/2012 00:25

Yes it was good to call them. Besides being briefed on what has to happen next
it was good to talk what i know of the incident through with a professional and understand that i am not overreacting and the older boy was being opportunistic.

also good to hear how they immediately thought of what danger the older boy might be in and for this reason alone it must be dealt through the proper channels.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 03/04/2012 00:27

SS can't make the decision to call the police, legally their hands are tied unless the child is at risk, which your son isn't now.
Please consider what message that gives to your ds.

Yes it may well be a child protection issue for the 15 year old but that's not for you to worry about. He could have been abused, he may not have done but certainly at 15 he would know its wrong.

fortyplus · 03/04/2012 00:27

janedoedoejanejanedoe you've got it wrong. The youth group should be the first point of contact. That's not treating the allegation lightly, it's setting wheels in motion that will protect the other child too.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:28

I havent got it wrong.

And that is based on personal experience.

Starwisher · 03/04/2012 00:28

I think your best to get to the bottom of this first using the appropiate agencies. There is a chance this incident didnt happen also so you need be 100% sure it did.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:29

The youth group will/should automatically refer to police and SS, and should encourage the parents to as well.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:31

The parents shouldnt be the ones trying to get to the bottom of whether the incident happened, they should automatically believe their child.

Its down to police and SS to establish further action.

lisad123 · 03/04/2012 00:33

Janes right. The difficulty will always be that most people have never dealt with this before and so your trusting the youth manager knows the processures well enough. IF they screw it up, it can cause difficultly with further legal paths later on. Without police action there is nothing to stop this young man finding a job with kids when he is older.

Original poster
PaWithABra · 03/04/2012 00:33

Thanks for you kindness and advice everybody.

night

OP posts:
Original poster
PaWithABra · 03/04/2012 00:34

I believe my son.

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:38

Goodnight pa I hope your son is OK, and he gets the help he needs to get over this in time.

My opinion is that this is better dealt with by specialists, than by someone whose likely experience of this is a few days on a CP course at best.

Original poster
PaWithABra · 03/04/2012 00:40

NSPCC and Child protection agency are specialists though yes ?

OP posts:
lisad123 · 03/04/2012 00:41

Nspcc not so much. Confused

fortyplus · 03/04/2012 00:44

PaWithABra - Absolutely - a child wouldn't make up a story like that. It needs handling sensitively - he is clearly upset and you won't be able to tell whether it's an inappropriate 'teasing' type incident or something more sinister. Best case scenario is that the 15 year old is behaving in an immature, idiotic way teasing a younger child to cause deliberate upset. Worst case scenario he's been a victim of abuse himself and beginning to exhibit behaviour that will perpetuate the cycle.

If you've phoned ss in the first instance it's important to make sure that they have contact details for the youth group and will undertake to get in touch with them tomorrow.

Sleep well - it's really good that your son felt confident to tell his mum what had happened.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:45

Pa they are specialists in listening to children, they arent specialists in dealing with abusers.

AnyFucker · 03/04/2012 00:45

Pa, I believe your son and I am very sorry this happened to him.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:45

well not the volunteers on the end of a phoneline anyway. They are an excellent charity, but they arent the police.

fortyplus · 03/04/2012 00:47

janedoedoejanejanedoe if the youth group has an effective child protection policy then they wouldn't be trying to deal wth an allegation of this nature themselves.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:49

I said further down the youth group should involve the police and SS automatically and encourage the parents to.

Hence why I wouldnt bother going to them at all, they will just become a third agency for Pa to deal with.

fortyplus · 03/04/2012 00:54

So what will happen tomorrow if the the youth group hasn't been informed? It's unlikely that ss will be on the 15 year old's doorstep first thing in the morning and at the very least his behaviour should be closely monitored.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 03/04/2012 00:57

Thats an issue for the police and social services.

fortyplus · 03/04/2012 01:11

I wouldn't be happy with the possible delay in ensuring his behaviour can't damage another child