Other parents already hate my 3YO son?!

[jealsrealdeal]

This post comes out of upset and frustration, and I'm not sure if I'm looking for reassurance, or honest opinions.

My son is 3 and he started nursery only 2 months ago. He is an only child, and because of COVID lockdowns he spent most of his first 3 years with only me and my wife. We moved far from family just before COVID hit, so we've been quite isolated from people we know and from making new friends while COVID happened. So, aside from the occasional toddler play group, nursery is his first proper time consistently around other kids his own age.

Anyway, we've had a couple of incidents of him being a bit rough with other kids, but the nursery have assured us that his behaviour all sits within the scope of developmentally normal.

Last week we were waiting outside nursery for them to open, my son was running around in a circuit around a flower bed. While he was doing that, a boy from the nursery arrived with his dad, and my son ran up to the other boy and randomly tried to touch his eyes (so, he wasn't trying to be actively violent by hitting, pushing or biting, but still not acceptable) I immediately told him off and was encouraging an apology without telling him to apologise. The other kid wasn't even upset, but the dad walked him away from my son before he had the chance to apologise. Then the dad started shouting and swearing at me to get my "fing kid under control" and to "fing sort it out". I was completely caught off guard because I wasn't expecting to face a confrontation at nursery, and I replied "I'm sorry I didn't know he was going to do that." And then he threatened me saying "it's not the first time but I'm telling you it's the f*ing last.", which I perceived to mean he'll do something to me or my son if there is anything else that happens. Immediately after the incident I discussed it with the nursery, particularly because we weren't aware of any issues with the other child, and I was concerned that the nursery are naming my son to parents when he does something wrong. Apparently they're not disclosing his name, and they think he's doing well.

Fast forward to today when my wife was talking to one of the mums who she thought was her friend. My wife told her about the incident, and the friend's response was that it was not acceptable behaviour from the dad but that she's not surprised, because she would prefer her son not to be around our son, if she had the choice. My wife said to her "I feel like all the other parents are talking about him and judging him." and this woman replied "Well they are. He's not a nice child. I like you, but I don't like your child." Obviously this upset my wife, and later me when I heard it. She also had a word with the nursery about her concerns, and they reassured her again that he's normal, that he's not the only one who has pushed/bit another child, and that he's been doing really well.

Seriously, what are we to do? He's only 3, and 2 months in he's already disliked by parents. Do we trust the nursery? Because I can't help but feel it's going to impact his development if he picks up that parents don't like him. And they say there's no smoke without fire - maybe my son is really a horrible child and I'm a terrible parent? Should we consider giving him a fresh start in another nursery?

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm falling asleep as I type so I'll leave it there for now, but I'll appreciate any thoughts or comments. I just don't want my son to be isolated!

Lockdown ended about 18 months ago - and all the kids his age went through it - you can’t use this as a reason. Of course it had an effect but it is not an excuse for hurting other children!

My son was like this. For the two years he was at nursery there was an incident almost every week. He was very big for his age, the nursery manager explained it that another kid could run around and if he brushed up against another kid nothing really happened. However my son would run around and the sheer size of him knocking into other lo's sent them flying! Other kids might push or hit, but my son was so much stronger that he made kids cry. Not good obviously, but it wasn't out of the ordinary and other kids behaved similarly. He was actually loved by everyone, but definitely didn't get many party invites! He grew out of it, me and the nursery stuck to the same script that it was unacceptable behaviour, and take him away from the situation. He has however had loads of friends, always been popular and is now a gentle giant who's always praised for how thoughtful and kind he is. Hang in there. As for the parents, they sound dreadful.

The dad sounds like scum. I'd move nursery for that reason alone.

It sounds like maybe we're only getting half a story here. And if not then there's some serious problems with your child.

Do you and your partner work full time? If there is any flexibility could you take your son to a local toddler group and be with him as he socialises, you could see how he is and be by his side to guide him if he is acting boisterously.
I have never ever heard of such hideous parent behaviour, what awful people. It is so weird that the nursery are saying that he is doing well and and not picked up on anything that would annoy the parents. Can you talk again (with gritted teeth) to the so called friend and say you have spoken to nursery, they state no problems and ask for examples from her that would make a fully grown woman dislike a 3 year old
I hope you managed to sleep.

It is not a safeguarding issue...

What would be recorded???

For parents to react that way, I'd say they are at the end of their tether and it's beeb happening a lot.

I actually don't believe any of it, because nobody would say during a friendly chat "I like you but not your child. He isn't a nice child."

Your child is tiny and won't know how to handle himself yet, there was no reason for the other parent to be so angry. I would move him immediately to a place where children can be children, high spirits and all without being sworn at.

They sound truly awful and I would not want that around my toddlers.

As a nursery practitioner l can say that there are a couple of children that I know that the other children talk about at home due to their behaviour, I also know that at collection parents are able to observe and see the children at play.

I do have 1 or 2 children who are more physical and despite being told/redirected and encouraged find it funny or continue to knock down others or take toys.

I would suggest a meeting and a discussion.

I can't tell you at the door when you pick up that his behaviour is affecting the class but in a meeting we may be able to discuss strategies.

I'd move him.

Especially because if the nursery are saying he's fine and the parents think something else they are getting this info from somewhere.

Either the nursery are reporting everything or a child has mentioned an incident and now the other parents are gossiping constantly about your child and building a picture in their own minds which isn't true.

I feel you've been totally honest - you say your son did try and touch eyes. But his behaviour doesn't sound horrendous or even developmentally unusual.

The other parents don't sound nice though.

I’m really surprised at all those suggesting to move him before attempting to have a meaningful discussion with the nursery. You’ll just move the problem around. The child will likely be worse because they’ll be unsettled again.

The problem here is the other parents. Where on earth do you live? They sound ignorant and rude and the father you described sounds like a bully. How can he genuinely have an issue with your 3 year old sons behaviour and then behave like that himself?

3 year old can be totally oblivious to boundaries and can be overzealous with hugs, touching others, grabbing etc. It is normal for his age but if he doesn't start to get the hang of these interactions it might indicate something else going on. However, that does not make him a horrible child. Please don't take these nasty comments on board op and consider moving to a nursery in a nicer area.

Your 3 year old sounds normal, your feelings and approach sounds normal. Unless the nursery is dramatically mishandling the situation, the reactions from the two parents were in one case unpleasant and in the other downright unhinged.

In your position, I might look at another option or two. Could you try a childminder or a smaller more nurturing nursery?

Some kids are terrors to other kids.

Have to spoken to your son about inappropriate touching of other kids - how sone people don't like to be touched but others do? Use someone he knows to illusrrate hugging is a good example x will not hug you cos they don't like it, but y loves to hug.

But even so, to touch someone you need their permission so think about them and what they want.

Be gentle too, it's always kinder to touch softly and not in places that might hurt.

He's 3 but he will understand if these messages are bite sized and part of a wider learning experience for him.

My DN used to bite other kids. My DS had to take her out of nursery.

Roll on 4 years and she was beaten up at school by a kid with ADHD which the school did nothing to treat/help/support. After the second time my DS removed her from the school.

Sometimes what goes around does come around....

Hey your son away from kids whose parents behave that way. Vile.

Weird behaviour from parents! My son was hit by another boy on the back of the head by another kid outside nursery. The boy's mum just scooped her son up, had a word and apologised on his behalf. I said not to worry, it has been a long day and attended to my son who wasn't particularly bothered. My son has been bitten a couple of times by the same child at nursery, again, it happens. The nursery deal with it really well. They're 4 ffs. The parents sound crazy

Not acceptable behaviour or language from the other dad, but it sounds like this didn't happen in response to a first time incident. When DC were younger they were absolute magnets for the more spirited children and tbh, hearing and seeing regularly that they'd been pushed/bit/hit and on one occasion (during Covid) spat on was infuriating, and I can easily imagine how frustrated that dad was. My DC are by nature quiet, and at that age had the potential to be eaten alive

It sounds like your son needs practice and ongoing opportunities across lots of different settings to socialise with other children. Park visits, walks, drop in sessions where you are there and with him to model, reinforce and praise positive interactions. Good luck.

Do you ever take your son to the park, soft play or anywhere else with children? Or is nursery the only place he goes where there are other children? Have you looked into parenting courses to help you understand and respond to your son's behaviour?

Generally parents learn the name of the "naughty" children from their own children who are more likely to tell them of any bad behaviour than good. And when your child is on the receiving end of any unwanted attention or bad behaviour, naturally, it's upsetting.
You do need to speak to the nursery about the way the other parent spoke to you. Whilst not done in an appropriate way, it may be that their child has had enough of being picked on, and your lack of reprimand was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.
Nursery may not be picking up on all your son's behaviour. Sometimes my dd would come home and tell me stuff that had happened that they didn't know about, but it clearly affected her and that's why she told me.

Be honest, what were you like when you were telling your child off for trying to touch another child’s eyes?

Eyes are delicate, so just like if a child tries to touch someone’s glasses on their face, they should get a telling off that would leave them in no doubt that their behaviour was unacceptable. An NT three year old is old enough to understand that some things are wrong, even if they can’t control their actions in the moment, but if yours doesn’t seem to understand then that is the concern you have.

The Dad that had a go was very wrong, but his child deserved an apology from your son and you should have ensured that he got one.

Sounds like this is a school nursery? The dad who swore at you just sounds rough af and a reflection of the worst of the general public. His attitude has nothing to do with what the other mum "friend" let on to you. He would probably be like that with everyone.

I'm another one who doesn't buy the Covid excuses, lockdown proper ended in Spring 2021 in England, many groups were back on, playgrounds open the whole time, so he has had 18 months of potential play time since then. Sounds like you've just lived a sheltered easy life and it's coming back to bite you.

Yeah, people can't blame their lack of parenting on lockdown forever. I had a "lockdown" baby, born December 2019. She doesn't hit or push or whatever.

I think there are a couple of things - the dad sounds horrible and shouldn’t be swearing at you / your child. But you’ll come across people like that as your child goes through school unfortunately.
But if your child is biting and hitting at school that’s not great. When they get to 2 - 3 all the parents know which child is doing it consistently as the children tell them. My child has come home with bit marks and cuts from another child and tbh there’s no way I’d have play dates with that family as I have to protect my child. I wouldn’t confront you or the child though.
I’d be seething inside if I witnessed you not telling him off and not telling him to apologise. I’d also probably discuss it with my mum friends as well. I’d probably reconsider your approach on this and maybe look at nurseries with different strategies for tackling biting and hitting.