Other parents already hate my 3YO son?!

[jealsrealdeal]

This post comes out of upset and frustration, and I'm not sure if I'm looking for reassurance, or honest opinions.

My son is 3 and he started nursery only 2 months ago. He is an only child, and because of COVID lockdowns he spent most of his first 3 years with only me and my wife. We moved far from family just before COVID hit, so we've been quite isolated from people we know and from making new friends while COVID happened. So, aside from the occasional toddler play group, nursery is his first proper time consistently around other kids his own age.

Anyway, we've had a couple of incidents of him being a bit rough with other kids, but the nursery have assured us that his behaviour all sits within the scope of developmentally normal.

Last week we were waiting outside nursery for them to open, my son was running around in a circuit around a flower bed. While he was doing that, a boy from the nursery arrived with his dad, and my son ran up to the other boy and randomly tried to touch his eyes (so, he wasn't trying to be actively violent by hitting, pushing or biting, but still not acceptable) I immediately told him off and was encouraging an apology without telling him to apologise. The other kid wasn't even upset, but the dad walked him away from my son before he had the chance to apologise. Then the dad started shouting and swearing at me to get my "fing kid under control" and to "fing sort it out". I was completely caught off guard because I wasn't expecting to face a confrontation at nursery, and I replied "I'm sorry I didn't know he was going to do that." And then he threatened me saying "it's not the first time but I'm telling you it's the f*ing last.", which I perceived to mean he'll do something to me or my son if there is anything else that happens. Immediately after the incident I discussed it with the nursery, particularly because we weren't aware of any issues with the other child, and I was concerned that the nursery are naming my son to parents when he does something wrong. Apparently they're not disclosing his name, and they think he's doing well.

Fast forward to today when my wife was talking to one of the mums who she thought was her friend. My wife told her about the incident, and the friend's response was that it was not acceptable behaviour from the dad but that she's not surprised, because she would prefer her son not to be around our son, if she had the choice. My wife said to her "I feel like all the other parents are talking about him and judging him." and this woman replied "Well they are. He's not a nice child. I like you, but I don't like your child." Obviously this upset my wife, and later me when I heard it. She also had a word with the nursery about her concerns, and they reassured her again that he's normal, that he's not the only one who has pushed/bit another child, and that he's been doing really well.

Seriously, what are we to do? He's only 3, and 2 months in he's already disliked by parents. Do we trust the nursery? Because I can't help but feel it's going to impact his development if he picks up that parents don't like him. And they say there's no smoke without fire - maybe my son is really a horrible child and I'm a terrible parent? Should we consider giving him a fresh start in another nursery?

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm falling asleep as I type so I'll leave it there for now, but I'll appreciate any thoughts or comments. I just don't want my son to be isolated!

They definitely did:
“Off topic, but have you considered getting your LO a pet like maybe a puppy?”

The dads behaviour of the other child is disgusting.

I don't see how your child has only had a few toddler sessions.

Our children must be very similar ages. Nurseries don't seem to give out names but my DS has been whacked in the face etc and it's just not acceptable.

We all went through lockdowns so I'm sorry I think that's an excuse on your behalf on your child's naughty behaviour. Biting is not acceptable and out of all the children I've known not one has ever bitten someone. It's lack of parental control. Just my opinion, which I stand by. You need to get your sons behaviour under control because no one sends their child to nursery or anywhere to be physically attacked.

These people sound awful!

3 yr okds have an excuse for being arseholes…they’re 3! These adults have no excuse. Shouting and swearing guy sounds unstable and dangerous. The woman sounds like a gossiping piece of work.

If your son is happy and doing well, I’d carry on at this nursery and just smile and avoid too much chat with other parents. If he’s not, move him.

Nursery should be a time for children to develop social skills. There are always children who struggle with aspects of this and off the back of a pandemic I’m sure that number has increased hugely. Don’t be disheartened by a few absolute idiots spouting off.

Nursery might not be naming your child to other parents, it's probably their own children.

I know by 3 mine was more than capable of saying who did what in a situation such as being hurt so I expect other children are also doing the same in telling their parents if/ when they've been hurt by your child which sounds like it's frequent.

I think your child will do what he does regardless of the nursery he's at. I suppose it's worth looking at the size of the nursery- are there too many children in his group/ class? What is their structure- is he bored and under stimulated (rather than play he goes to other kids). What do they do/ say when he hurts another child?
If you're happy with those answers don't move him.

I think you need to do more yourselves with him socially, an hour at the park/ soft play/ play groups but you need to be 'on him' to redirect undesirable behaviour before other parents butt in.

FWIW I wouldn't necessarily be too harsh on the friend- it's insensitive to say she doesn't like your child of course but I think being open with you allows you to hear what your boy is doing/ the reputation he has which can actually help you out now in lots of ways.
Unless there's a backstory and she's just unkind.

I wouldn't have wanted my 3 yo with yours at the moment because I wouldn't want mine hurt but you can help your boy learn and use the knowledge you have to turn things around.

Even if your son is having behavioural issues that behaviour is awful from the parent. And why are the other parents judging and dis liking a young child. If nursery aren't disclosing names then it's likely the children are and either there's only been a few incidents and the other parents are over reacting or nursery is not watching the children sufficiently or not telling you what's happening. Personally I would look for a new nursery.

I think more likely than “the other parents are just mental!” is that the other children are repeatedly naming your son to their parents. Eg, Boris scratched my eye, Boris hit me today, etc. That dad’s reaction was very wrong but it seems like he’d had enough.

It sounds like the nursery are downplaying it to you because they don’t want you to withdraw and lose your fees/funding.

I agree. It isn't the nursery telling the parents your child's name it's their children who using the example above are saying Bkris tries to grab my eyes. Not excusing the adult at all but perhaps that father had experienced days of his child coming home explaining how Boris had today attacked his child and seeing you being a bit passive in the way you dealt with your child doing this was too much. After all your original post is quite dismissive of his behaviour.

As someone has just said above, nursery may well not be telling anyone your child's name. We had a call one day from our nursery when DS was 3 to say another child had picked up a rock and then hit our son in the face with it (he had a cut lip and bruising/swelling). I didn't ask, but nursery emphasised they couldn't tell me who had been involved. I said I completely understood, at which point my son said "Max hit me in the face". Over the three years that we were there two children who seemed to consistently be involved with hitting / biting / pushing others. Never talked about it with anyone else but I consciously never invited either over for play dates I'm afraid.

Definitely keep working on changing the behaviour at home OP. Having said this the other parents' behaviours that you've described aren't acceptable either.

Whilst I don't condone the aggressive response of the father, I can say it can be very upsetting for a parent on the other side of the situation.

Hearing each day that your child has been bit, hit, or other such violent or nasty behaviour is awful. It's also usual for the parent to ask who did this to you. The child will obviously point out your child.

I was in the position of one of those parents although never said anything directly to his parents and often wished I could. Their son was truly vile to my child, and others. He bit kids so hard one had to have antibiotics.

And sadly, people will inevitably feel you are ultimately responsible.

Covid restrictions have been relaxed or removed for over a year now, why did you not immediately take the opportunity to socialise with the child? Three years of being indoors sounds bonkers, even during lockdowns you could have taken him for walks and things.

I think personally yes you should move nursery because frankly once your child has a reputation of being a bully it sticks. And if he follows these children to school he will continue to be lonely.

You must be firm with him or he won't change. Do you punish him at all for these incidents?

Also I can't see what the mum said that was wrong. She isn't going to like a child who bits and hurts hers. It's a mothers instinct.

Nursery sound useless too as they should be honest, clearly they aren't properly recording the amount of incidents.

Honestly I think you need to take a long hard look at your sons behaviour and other parents reactions to his behaviour (not just those particular parents but the ones parks, soft play etc). My youngest son is 3 years 3 months and the pandemic definitely did make it harder to socialise but he is still very socialised. He went to a childminder one day a week to ensure consistency, social development etc, he also went to loads of toddler groups, toddler swimming groups and spent a lot of time with other kids.

There is a noticeable difference in social skills, behaviour and development levels between the children who did attend activities etc. Those that stayed in and at home constantly are struggling far more generally. This is not just my observation but a fact based on research and evidence that has been carried out in recent months.

I do agree that the dads behaviour was totally unacceptable. Kids will hit etc but it’s up to us as adults to teach them not to. Your wife friend was probably being honest. It’s pretty awful to hear but maybe rather than getting upset find out why she feels that way, what is it she sees in your sons behaviour that is so unacceptable and go about fixing that behaviour. I suspect the nursery are either not being totally honest or not monitoring as well as they could so other kids are going home and saying X child hit me. The nursery will never release names but kids do.

I notice you said your son was running through flower beds. First of all why are you allowing your son to run through flower beds? Put some boundaries in place and teach him not to run flowers beds as it destroy them. It might sound a minor thing but he needs to learn things like that or as he grows he won’t know it’s not acceptable behaviour not to destroy flowers. If he is doing it while waiting to into nursery teach him he must hold your hand and wait his turn. This incident of your son going to touch another child’s eyes wouldn’t have occurred had you put a boundary in place that he holds your hand while waiting to go in.

I am quite an easy going mum and my eldest has additional support needs and did a bit of hitting at nursery age so I understand it and am far more sympathetic than many parents. However I would not be happy if a child was allowed to run up to my 3 year old and basically try poke his eyes. You say touch but at that age it’s likely to end up being a poke which is painful.

If it is a pre school nursery your best bet would be to arrange a meeting, go in with a list of concerns etc including what’s been said and make it clear to them you want to and need to know how is behaviour is so you can address it if it’s unacceptable. Tell them you want to work with them and need support on this as they see his difficulties.

He is still very young and if there are behaviour difficulties which is suspect there is based on your wife’s friends comments they can be addressed. The quicker you do it the better as if you don’t it may well spiral to a point it’s far more difficult to deal with.

Sadly there are kids out there that other kids are not allowed to play with. I know a 7 year old that not 1 child out of 20 kids (including my kids) that live close to him is allowed to play with him. This is because his behaviour is terrible and has never been addressed. If your son has behaviour difficulties it’s best to tackle them head on now. If the nursery are refusing to support you maybe consider a nursery that will. I had do this with me eldest and tackle it head on as his behaviour was deteriorating at nursery. It did transpire later he had a neurological condition but it did work dealing with it at such a young age and getting the right support and advice. He is now 10, popular and behaves well.

My ds went to nursery with a child that hurt him from day one. He told me his name not the nursery. The child went up to primary with him and carried on bullying the other kids and got worse and worse.

@Fundays12 he was running around the flower beds. There’s a difference and it’s perfectly normal behaviour.

From the other parents reactions, I’d say their kids are going home constantly with unflattering stories about your son hurting them and they have had enough.

I would also think supervision at the nursery must be lacking for your son to do this amount of damage. They must know he acts inappropriately yet they don’t seem to be shadowing him adequately to intervene before he acts.

Just moving your son and not addressing the root cause is likely just going to move the same issue to a new nursery.

@jealsrealdeal not sure what area you live in op but the other parents sound shocking.
Who uses foul language around small dc?

Unless your dc really is a horror I suspect there’s something else going on.

We all went through lockdowns so I'm sorry I think that's an excuse on your behalf on your child's naughty behaviour. Biting is not acceptable and out of all the children I've known not one has ever bitten someone. It's lack of parental control. Just my opinion, which I stand by. You need to get your sons behaviour under control because no one sends their child to nursery or anywhere to be physically attacked.

Yes - my son of a similar age has been well socialised and spent the last 18m consistently in childcare despite lockdowns. We went to play groups etc each week too.

I wouldn’t move him if he’s struggling to settle. But I would speak to the nursery about what you can all do collectively to address his behaviour.

My nursery will tell me “a child bit” mine and DC tells me the moment he gets in the car who it was and relays every last detail.

It's a safeguarding issue the man swearing awfully infront of your son and is... like its normal? This needs noting on the safeguarding file of the child in the nursery.

Your son and his

Same. While I would never ever say anything to the parents (and no other class parents have done so), there were two children who were awfully behaved at 3 who have continued to be disruptive and mean as they’ve started and moved through the school. In both cases the parents do not address the behaviour and the kids are fairly spoilt.
However, this may not be OP’s case and tge behaviour of the other parents is extreme and unusual, so I’d talk to the nursery and consider moving to another.

That dad sounds super rough. I'd be anxious about him rather than a 3 year old if I was a parent. What's the area like generally?

The father shouting like that was totally inappropriate and needs reporting to nursery. The other mother was being blunt and telling you what the nursery couldn’t. She is doing you a favour by telling you now that your son has poor social skills and possibly by the sounds of it, parents who don’t know how to discipline a 3 year old appropriately for what is essentially assault.

You need to expose your child to as many social situations as possible because he will be at school in the blink of an eye and this needs to be sorted by then.

I also wonder what running around the flower beds means. Was your son running through the flower beds in between flowers or around the outside of say some planters? The first I would not tolerate as that can cause damage and I would not allow my child to do that, not even When they were first mobile. Other parents may look at such behaviour and see an out of control child and a parent who is neglectful in discipline and then to top it off your son went for another child. Irrespective of your son’s motive he committed a violent act.

Conversely my son has a boy in his nursery who really struggles socially - he is super bright and intelligent but he struggles with social norms and is very domineering, he can get quite hands on and has hit my son several times. We had play dates outside of nursery and it was fraught at times and had to end abruptly. But his parents are amazing, practice patience I really admire and he’s doing so much better now he’s in nursery more often.

Parents being engaged makes such a difference.

Agree that it will be the children saying what has happened. It's rubbish when your child is the aggressive one. Nursery staff are likely more able to see it in the spectrum of normal behaviour than a parent that's just hearing about their child being hurt, so I don't necessarily see it as them being lax.

With DS it was a brief phase (although didn't feel like it at the time!) and nursery were very on top of it and I had him always within immediate grabbing range until it passed. It was generally because he didn't like people very close to him, so we did a lot of role play about how to handle that and what was kind behaviour. Unfortunately there was a boy at nursery that it was a long running issue for and I know that a lot of the parents were getting increasingly frustrated by it.

That sounds horrendous!
I would have such anxiety over this, how could a grown man say such a thing about a three year old?
I can't tell from your OP, are you a woman? Could there be some prejudice around a same sex relationship? I'm clutching a straws here!
The problem is, your child may have done something to this persons child once before and this person reacted poorly at home and his child realised he could get a rise out of him. So every tiny thing your child does at nursery is now relayed back to this man so the child can get a rise out of him, it could be that you child pushed in front of him in the fruit and milk line or they squabbled over a favourite toy. But the other child told their lunatic father that your child pushed him out of the way in the line and snatched the toy off him.
Then this loudmouth lout has mouthed off to all the other parents and got them all riled up over a 3 YEAR OLD CHILD! Christ, I hate playground politics and I can't stand the type of parent you're describing here!

If you move the same things will happen. I’d ask nursery to monitor him really carefully and hope he is well socialised for school, is that one year off or two.m? Hopefully you get a new group then and he’s ready for it.

Turn it around for a moment. Little Jonny tells daddy that he is repeatedly getting hit, bitten, hurt etc by Billy at Nursery.

Today as they arrived, little Billy ran up and tried to poke him in the eye, parent was being a bit wet and didn’t even tell him off.
The dad was clumsy in expressing his frustration but did the right thing steering his child away to keep him safe.

Friend was trying to tell you
in no uncertain terms this isn’t the first time your child has hurt someone. You need to listen.

its never nice to hear but you
need to set a proper meet with the nursery, they may be downplaying his behaviour.