Other parents already hate my 3YO son?!

[jealsrealdeal]

This post comes out of upset and frustration, and I'm not sure if I'm looking for reassurance, or honest opinions.

My son is 3 and he started nursery only 2 months ago. He is an only child, and because of COVID lockdowns he spent most of his first 3 years with only me and my wife. We moved far from family just before COVID hit, so we've been quite isolated from people we know and from making new friends while COVID happened. So, aside from the occasional toddler play group, nursery is his first proper time consistently around other kids his own age.

Anyway, we've had a couple of incidents of him being a bit rough with other kids, but the nursery have assured us that his behaviour all sits within the scope of developmentally normal.

Last week we were waiting outside nursery for them to open, my son was running around in a circuit around a flower bed. While he was doing that, a boy from the nursery arrived with his dad, and my son ran up to the other boy and randomly tried to touch his eyes (so, he wasn't trying to be actively violent by hitting, pushing or biting, but still not acceptable) I immediately told him off and was encouraging an apology without telling him to apologise. The other kid wasn't even upset, but the dad walked him away from my son before he had the chance to apologise. Then the dad started shouting and swearing at me to get my "fing kid under control" and to "fing sort it out". I was completely caught off guard because I wasn't expecting to face a confrontation at nursery, and I replied "I'm sorry I didn't know he was going to do that." And then he threatened me saying "it's not the first time but I'm telling you it's the f*ing last.", which I perceived to mean he'll do something to me or my son if there is anything else that happens. Immediately after the incident I discussed it with the nursery, particularly because we weren't aware of any issues with the other child, and I was concerned that the nursery are naming my son to parents when he does something wrong. Apparently they're not disclosing his name, and they think he's doing well.

Fast forward to today when my wife was talking to one of the mums who she thought was her friend. My wife told her about the incident, and the friend's response was that it was not acceptable behaviour from the dad but that she's not surprised, because she would prefer her son not to be around our son, if she had the choice. My wife said to her "I feel like all the other parents are talking about him and judging him." and this woman replied "Well they are. He's not a nice child. I like you, but I don't like your child." Obviously this upset my wife, and later me when I heard it. She also had a word with the nursery about her concerns, and they reassured her again that he's normal, that he's not the only one who has pushed/bit another child, and that he's been doing really well.

Seriously, what are we to do? He's only 3, and 2 months in he's already disliked by parents. Do we trust the nursery? Because I can't help but feel it's going to impact his development if he picks up that parents don't like him. And they say there's no smoke without fire - maybe my son is really a horrible child and I'm a terrible parent? Should we consider giving him a fresh start in another nursery?

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm falling asleep as I type so I'll leave it there for now, but I'll appreciate any thoughts or comments. I just don't want my son to be isolated!

It’s very odd that he he has only been exposed to a few toddler sessions. My child has just started nursery and as a family we had to shield pre -vaccinations yet DD2 has had a good year plus experiencing lots of toddler groups, parks, swimming pool ect where she has encountered many children. I’m not saying shielding didn’t have an impact on her social skills but she knows not to touch others eyes. Why had your child not played with others? Is there something else going on?

His behaviour isn’t going to be different in another nursery and it will disruptive to move him. If he is doing half days then make sure he is around children and other social experiences in the afternoon, talk him through how to behave, teach him about emotions.

Well that lady your wife thought was a friend certainly isn’t. I’d be dumping her first and foremost. What a nasty piece of work she is.
He’s 3, we’ve come through a pandemic. Some Kids are a bit behind socially and emotionally but he’ll catch up and nursery will be great for that. Obviously staff are seeing it with other kids too and no concerned about his behaviour.
If I were you, I’d give til at least after Christmas and see if he settles and makes a few buddies. On the other hand if you feel the parents may influence their children, might be worth looking around and seeing if there’s spaces in other nurseries nearby and have your ducks in a row as they say.

And no, your son is not horrible…. He’s 3! And no, you’re not awful parents…. They sound like awful, nasty people. Hold your head up and try to ignore them.

What the hell?

I think I'd be moving your son because the other parents sound terrifying!

We have a just turned 3 year old who is exactly like this. He goes through brief spells of being interested by how people work - their eyes and mouths particularly, and will try to touch. All kids do - our babies are fascinated by those bits too.

He really struggled starting pre-school this year and his behaviour for the first few weeks was not good. When I say not good, I mean to the point that school called us in and told us he needed additional support. It was a shock because they hadn't told us while giving him a chance to settle and because he had previously been at a private nursery where he ran around outside all day long and was in heaven.

Once we knew we were able to reinforce the lessons - kind hands, no teeth, we don't hurt... We've had some backsliding days since including one when his sibling had a fall and we must have passed on our stress, but it took and he reported himself proudly to a teacher today for 'I want to biting my friend' (he didn't).

Some boys of this age have a lot to figure out! Single child or one of three, the advice to treat them like labrador puppies and get them outside, tired and happy is the best.

Tell school how the dad behaved towards you, cut down any contact with a 'friend' who implies your kid isn't good enough and reinforce school messages. If they think he's ok, he'll be OK.

I wouldn’t move him but I would investigate other places. Is there anyone who he likes and who likes him back. One good friend can make all the difference.

children will tell their parents who did what. The nursery won’t name a child but you will hear all about it anyway. Work with the nursery do either of you have time to be a parent volunteer? My middle child was a challenge so first thing I’d go in and read him a story and another kid who’d turned up to listen and another. Then I’d encourage them all to draw a picture about the story and head home for an hour before pickup. That way he started the day off doing a task in parallel with another child or two and talking to them.

Gosh they sound horrible! He’s three and how on earth do they know so much about him. The friend is not a friend and the other dad shouldn’t be picking up if he’s threatening other parents. If you can manage it ask if you can drop off earlier or later so you don’t have to meet either of them.

Your little one is 3 and he's only been in a nursery environment for 2 months. That's a lot for a little boy to deal with.

Remember that your ds will spend only seconds with the other parents each day. Mostly he will be inside with the nursery staff and the other children, having a lovely time.

The other parents sound small minded and ignorant. Plenty of dcs go through this, it's completely normal, and no cause for concern.

Just ignore their comments, don't give them the chance to be so rude to you.

I don't know if the other woman is not a friend. She's telling you straight what other people think - which is quite helpful. You can use that info to make a decision on what to do because now you know. She's not right but at least you know.

Can I just ask, is your child 'different' in any way? Culturally, ethnically, physically?

It's a very strong reaction that the Dad had about a 3yr old. So I wondered if there's something else going off - like the guy is a blatent racist?

I was wondering too if that man had a reaction to your child for another reason as its completely over the top to react like that. Are you in a same sex relationship and is this some kind of a homophobic attack? Or racist. I have taught small children for years and some children can be a bit overwhelming for others but l have never seen a parent react so strongly to a child..so aggressive. I wouldn't want my child anywhere near his in case that dad was nearby. There is something strange going on as nursery would be the first to say if your dc was causing havoc.
Even the other lady's bluntness is strange.

The dad sounds mental and the apparent friend sounds awful

Go meet new people and move nursery

I know I would not want my child going to the same school as that horrible man's child. He sounds unhinged.

And I wonder why everyone is so certain that your child is the one being aggressive while the nursery is denying it? Maybe they have yours confused with someone else.

I think I would move him in your position. People don't drop the opinions they have of children very easily, and so your son will likely be disliked for a long time. Also, the behaviour the other parents have shown is abhorrent and I wouldn't want to have to drop off and pick up my child around those parents. I can't believe anyone would display such nastiness towards a child to be honest. A fresh start in a new place where you can explain the difficulties you've had so far would be good.

I would be talking to the nursery about the father swearing at you and threatening you. I think you need a meeting ASAP.

I'd ask for a proper meeting with the nursery. Generally three year olds can tell parents themselves what's happening.

There is absolutely no excuse for the way the dad spoke to you, if he has issues he should speak with the nursery. I do wonder how often his child is mentioning yours in a negative way.

Move . It doesn't have to
Be this way!

Red flag signs. I would consider moving him if I were you. Children are sponges and notice more than you think, and the negative vibes the other parents are giving off could rub off onto their children as well. You want your daycare to be a friendly environment and that place doesn't sound friendly especially with that psycho dad there. You are really gonna want to talk with the daycare about his behavior.

I might consider finding a daycare that offers a secure video feed that allows parents to snoop in and see what is going on for themselves so you can see what is happening. You will also want to be up front with your prior difficulties at this school so they can help your child and get ahead on any potential issues.

The "friend" I would not necessarily cut her out if she is coming from a place of honesty and not malice. She should have been a lot more tactful but having blunt people around does offer the advantage of getting potentially useful info that others may not share. However, I personally would not put her in the category of friend but more cordial acquaintance.

Off topic, but have you considered getting your LO a pet like maybe a puppy? Animals are great for bringing out a child's nurturing and gentle side besides being good companions. Furry friends are good for the soul, but just remember to use your gentle hand.

Who are these parents?! I've never heard anything so rude in my life.

I think I'd be moving your son because the other parents sound terrifying!

^^This to be honest - what weird dick-ish behaviour

Even if your child was going through a biting stage for example - that dad’s behaviour is nuts. For that alone I’d think about moving your child. Are the nursery doing anything about his outburst?

Those parents sound horrible, however my son has been on the receiving end of hitting and biting at nursery and it's really not nice. It does make you defensive in ways you didn't know existed! So give them a break in your head and try not to take it personally.

The nursery sound a bit waffley. The nursery my son went to other kids were able to bite and hit a lot because the nursery just didn't take it seriously enough. I would be making sure you work with him a lot to not hit or bite because it isn't totally normal at 3 to be doing that a lot. He's had a big transition but other kids and parents don't know (or care frankly).

The other parents sound mean and scary!

Your son does seem to have some behavioural issues though, that nursery are not squaring up to. Biting shouldn't happen more than once, a regular hitter needs a close adult shadowing. Poking another persons eyes at this age is inappropriate. Why did you not tell your child to apologise?

I’m sorry you’ve experienced the above, it sounds awful. The experiences you had with parents were way out of order. What I will say is that there are a few children in my daughters school who aren’t very nice, to anyone, and I’m not going to lie and say I encourage these children when their parents have suggested we make friends. A child who is violent or very naughty does get mentioned at home. My priority is obviously always going to be my child, that’s human nature. While sometimes I feel sorry for both the child in question and especially their parent, my child has a right to feel safe in school and so naturally I do get annoyed at times when this is in jeopardy. Maybe nursery isn’t giving you the full extent of what your child is putting others through. Parents talk amongst themselves and if many parents are saying “anyone else’s child coming home upset by X” and X is always your child - there you go. If roles were reversed, wouldn’t you be upset also?
I’m also wondering what possessed your child to touch someone’s eye … that’s something I’ve never experienced personally. That’s a very delicate body part and I’d be upset if my child came home and said “X was trying to cause damage to my eye today”.

Moving your child would in essence move the problem to another place but at least you’d not experience these particular parents and you could go in with a clean slate. Be brutally honest with nursery and say you need better support, it does sound like you do. And your child should have been reprimanded strongly for the eye incident in my opinion- that’s completely unacceptable. Maybe the dads strong reaction was due to you “trying to get an apology but not forcing it”. I would have gone down to my child’s level and very firmly told him off and given a consequence. Do you have reward charts in play at home? Does your child get what he needs in terms of discipline, and also rewarded for the good he does? It’s possible there’s way more to this story than meets the eye, you didn’t mention special needs but I am honestly wondering if that is part of it.

Sorry if the above was hard to read, I am genuinely trying to help - I do understand this is difficult for both sides. The parents reacted strongly and it was out of line, but it would make me watch my child’s behaviour more closely in future - like someone else said, is there smoke without fire?

Good luck.

This. The other parents sound rough as hell. It's never nice seeing another child hurt your child, but unfortunately they're learning, they have limited self-control and self-awareness and it happens sometimes. Yes, the parents aren't going to be pleased about the behaviour and may be concerned about its impact on their own children, but I've never come across any parent display the level of nastiness you've been describing and I wouldn't want my child anywhere near them.

Separately, you need to work on your son's behaviour in social situations and that means practising with him. Can you try to set up some playdates in a controlled environment (park, home) where you can watch him interact with other children and model good interactions to him if he is getting it wrong? It's a shame for your son that you haven't been able to prioritise his socialisation through groups and playdates as these ime are the first experience for small children of interacting in a socially acceptable way.

Well the other two parents sound confrontational and unpleasant. But I do think there's no smoke without fire may apply here and it does come across like you're making excuses for you child's behaviour. If he's hitting and biting other children that is a problem regardless of whether there are other children who do it, and yes, when I hear about such children at my DDs nursery, I can't say I like the sound of them or relish her being exposed to them. That's natural. I wouldn't speak to you as these parents did but I don't think you can be surprised if parents take a disliking to a child that repeatedly hits or bites their child.

And FYI, there is a child at my DDs nursery who does this. The staff have never named him but I know who he is because my DD tells me herself. They may be hearing it directly from their children.

I can’t believe someone up thread suggested getting a puppy!

They didn't, they suggested that energetic toddlers like the OPs need to be treated a bit like a puppy, e.g. lots of outdoor time and running around to burn energy.