How to help child settle at nursery...?

[umbrellasinthesun]

3 year old DS just started school nursery at same school as his sibling attends. Fine the first day. Then increasing amounts of screaming and trying to chase after me for the few days since. It makes me feel really sad as I don't think that it needs to be like this. They just tell me to leave promptly and that he will be fine soon, but that feels so silly when I think if he could be eased in a bit more then he wouldn't have to be so upset.

I think that he would enjoy it if he would settle but am not sure that I want to tough it out like this. I would much prefer something more gentle but not sure how to negotiate it.

Anyone got any suggestions?

Does he settle down after you have left? If so I would carry on doing what you are doing. One of mine used to cry until i had left, then he was fine. After a couple of weeks he realised the crying was pointless and he was fine. Tough times but if he settles after you have left, I would do exactly as you have been.

Many children go through this separation anxiety. A lot of children at our preschool go through this. It's very natural and normal. Give him a few days. Once he settles into the routing, he'll be fine. Children that age are used to a particular pattern at home and then that is suddenly broken and all they understand is that they are taken away from home. I know it is hard for a mom to see her child crying and upset but believe me he must be fine once you leave. Don't stress yourself, this is a phase, he'll be fine sooner than you know.

See, DD wasn't fine after I left. she screamed and screamed for 2 hours till she was sick.

I stayed with her because the playgroup she was in allowed it, but I ended up staying for over a year!

Part of me wishes I'd toughed it out. However, she is now a very confident Reception starter, so it hasn't harmed her.

The setting is right for asking you to leave, if you choose for your child to go you need to have faith in the staff to look after your child and ensure they are ready to share their time and space with other children, Having a parent there for long prolongs the separation leaves the child confused and inevitably the tears and screams will come no matter how long you stay. The tears are because you have gone not because they are somewhere new, so they will still cry when you go if you stay for a hour or for days and days and days. what stops the crying is realising you come back not when you stay. xxx

Mine did not settle for 2 terms. Banging fists on the door, grabbing hold of me and crying a lot. I did leave but it was hard. I gave up in the end and I realised their routine just did not suit her. All the children had to sit on mats and listen to what they were going to do that day and then do the letter of the day. It was just too static. We went to a different nursery which had free choice on arrival. Dressing up, painting, etc. and this was what she wanted to do. She also had a nursery sweatshirt and she thought this was like her older sister who was at school. If you have continual problems I would consider changing. At the new nursery there were no tears at all, ever!

BlackMogal your right its so important to find the right setting for your childs strengths, but its right to leave when you do, what message does it give to a child if your not confident in leaving them. We cant have it all ways when you need your child or want your child to go to pre-schools its a parents job to let them become part of the group and let the staff do there job, if you cant let them go and you don't trust the setting or other settings you should home school. Parents need to look to their own behaviour and ask "what have I done to make my child independent and ready" if you do everything for them and excessively attachment parent they will never be ready for pre school/nursery no matter how the setting operates. to often parents blame the setting without looking at how they respond and prepare

Rocket, I utterly disagree with you. Ds has just had a very happy morning and lunchtime at nursery, without me. He was actually annoyed when I turned up as he hadn't finished tidying up from lunch! A couple of weeks ago he was crying and clinging to me all the time. Gradually he spent more time playing and taking on the nursery routine and I re-treated further and further away. Nursery staff were completely supportive of this and said if he is not happy, there is no point him staying too long as he will hate it and them. I have a lot of faith in the staff but I also know my ds better than anyone else.

Stop generalising and blaming everything on the parents. Some children are nervous, that doesn't mean anyone has done anything 'wrong' or the dc aren't ready, they just need some extra help.

OP, if you aren't happy speak to the staff. The fact that it is getting worse not better, would worry me. You need to agree a strategy with them so that ds is hearing the same things from you and them. Suggest staying with him if that is what you want to do, the worst they can do is refuse and you can then decide whether he needs to go. It might go better when he is a few months older if you really want him to be in this nursery.

Treat it like a negotiation, ask to stay all session and they might let you stay for half an hour. Then try and sneak out of the way so you can observe how he behaves when you aren't around and how staff handle it. That will tell you if you really feel he will get there.