Post NICU trauma ??

[Tes004]

just reaching out for some advice / experience with trauma from birth/nicu
my son was born at 35w after static growth / reduced movements and oligo. I was also hospitalised the 10days before birth due to sepsis. He was born via section and was instantly in need of help. I can’t quite bring myself to go through it all but he started off on cpap - then had phneumothroax/ collapsed lungs. He needed transferring to another hospital for life support and we spent the days and nights sat by his side just praying and wishing him better. I’m thrilled to say he did get better and stronger and is now home. Coming up to 4 weeks old and still isn’t at birth weight and despite feeding what seems like loads only gaining around 10g per day.
i find myself reliving the trauma offer and panic and sadness comes in waves. I tell myself just to concentrate on the now and future not looking backwards but I feel it’s something I keep brushing under the carpet so I don’t have to deal with it but I don’t know how to deal with it, if this makes sense … I left NIcu and also left that world behind knowing that some of those babies may not even make it and I should just be happy we’re out. But every beep I hear, person in uniform or even the red book brings me right back. I just want to reflect on the good and how blessed we are — is there anything I can do to deal with this ? Is it just a time thing ?
I worry about expressing to much to medical personnel as I don’t feel depressed and don’t want to be labelled as such, I just wish my brain could make sense of it all and my heart can heal faster .. any advice would be appreciated x

Bless you. 4 weeks is still so early you are probably still in shock too, and recovering physically yourself. Don't underestimate the recovery from sepsis or birth. You've both been through the mill. I do have personal experience and yes it took me a long time to 'get over it', I don't think that's the right description though. Experiences like this change us. I would recommend looking for some therapy when you feel up to it. I didn't but really should have. Take care.

My youngest, now 3, spent a long time in NICU, over 100 days. It took maybe the first two years for me to be able to recount some of his story without getting upset ,i actively try not to think about it too often because it’s still too upsetting.

time is a great healer, but reach out to your health visitor/GP is if becomes too overwhelming, they’re there to support you both and you get “fast track” to mental health support because you’re post partum.

Be kind to yourself, having a newborn is hard without the addition of a NICU stay. Xx

It's very early days, you are still processing what happened. I wouldn't view how you're thinking about it as brushing it under the carpet at all, it's more like decompressing and processing it all in small bursts. You don't get over it, in a total sense, you get used to it and it all starts to fade.

I still don't like the beeping of machines, and it was a difficult time when I was back in the same hospital in the same SCBU with my second baby. That was like an awful groundhog day experience. But that has faded now too.

Im 15 years later and diagnosed with ptsd after nicu trauma. Its still so raw.

I still can’t talk about it without crying and that’s 3 years on. Even writing this makes me tear up. It’s very early days and you do adapt and move forward- you have to as your child gets bigger and stronger. Just try to focus on the here and now

Our local NICU has a psychologist who supports parents on NICU, and there's also a parent support group. Do you think you could contact your local NICU and ask if there's any support like that available? Definitely reach out to the health visiting service too, as they should be able to refer you for perinatal MH support x

I can understand what you are feeling.
My DD was born prematurely 12 years ago.

Total hospital stay for me 4 weeks, total for daughter 2 months. Reason for all this was me: preeclampsia/ HELLP and DD; IUGR

I was discharged before DD. As I was visiting NICU everyday, the deal was I had to present myself to the postnatal ward for BP readings at the same time.
At some point they told me I didn't have to visit postnatal ward anymore, but still
I irrationally worried the midwives would spot me and pull me in and I would go dread the walk past the ward door to reach NICU.

DD needed a hernia repair at 6 months and I made my DH do the overnight for that because I couldn't face another stay in hospital.

Time has blurred it all and I don't have the visceral feelings I had back then, but you are still in the trenches. Sorry you are suffering.

I was never offered a debrief and I didn't want to be around hospital or medical environments for myself so didn't pursue it, but if you think it could help you, request it.

I work in NICUs across a couple different hospitals. They all have psychologists because the experience has the potential to be so be so traumatic. This is recommended in staffing recommendations etc nationwide as it is a known risk. The amount of funding varies at different sites so you may have been in a NICU with little input or even something as silly as they couldn't recruit to fill the vacancy or psychologist was on leave.

When you are ready it's definitely worth getting some support dealing with, time will help but you don't want this to impact any decisions about future pregnancies or your bonding with your baby.

Practically it's helpful for both you and your baby to spend time skin to skin and keep doing so until at least 6 months

Very sorry you and your little one went through all of that. My son was also in NICU, born very prematurely and I also had sepsis. Don’t underestimate the effect of having been seriously ill yourself in all of this - very easy to lose sight of yourself when your child is very sick, and you’re recovering from birth and experiencing the hormone crash and everything else. I found the sepsis really affected me mentally (one of the symptoms being that you think you’ll die). As others have mentioned, my NICU had a psychologist which I made use of. I found it really helpful. I would’ve accessed therapy privately or on NHS if I hadn’t had that. So I really encourage you to speak to someone. Honestly, it will stay with you for a while and milestones like the first year can bring it all back but time is a great, great healer. Best of luck and please speak to someone / a professional.

I'm so sorry for your experience, OP and wishing you and your DS lots of strength.

i also had a NICU baby (she was term but poorly with GBS sepsis). I had PND afterwards (which in time and doing my own research i came to understand was actually probably PTSD) and had some NHS CBT which was unhelpful. Instead, I wish I had paid for some private specific post partum trauma / PTSD therapy.

Re the pp above who mentioned the NICU psychologists, I do remember the one attached to our unit dropping by the cot one day and asking how i was. I said to her that I was feeling masses about of guilt - we'd had fertility treatment to get pregnant, I'd had high BP in pregnancy which meant she was IUGR and then she'd obviously got the GBS from me. I was feeling like I'd failed to conceive, failed to keep her safe when pregnant, failed her during the birth. She basically said "welcome to mum guilt" and moved on to the next cot.

My view is obviously highly tainted by that awful experience, which was the first time I'd opened up to anyone about how I was feeling, and why I didn't seek help afterwards. If I had, I think I would have started the road to recovery much earlier - i found it very difficult going back to work as i was still crying anytime anyone asked me about the birth. But if you can afford it, worth exploring private options as well as the NICU attached person. I do feel working through it with someone would have helped.

my 31 weeker is now 6 months. I'll be honest out of the moment it's not getting better quickly. 10 days after discharge my baby, then 40 weeks stopped breathing properly. Short story he ended up in the PICU. It was horrible not knowing if those kids were going to make it or not. I still feel sick when I go near the ambulance bay of our local hospital even though I don't remember that bit. I rearranged the living room were it all kicked off which helped a little. I also haven't ruled out that our now 2 year old doesn't have ptsd. And DP had skin cancer, thankfully that seems to have been easily treated.

I am undertaking group CBT which is helping but I do feel it's not quite the right thing for me. Talk to your GP or health visitor.

its early days but all you went through is bound to have left impressions on you. it might be worth talking to your GP or Health Visitor so it does not get on top of you.
my baby was in Special care nearly 40 years ago but i do sometimes wonder what became of the babies and parents we met while our baby was in there. i hope that they all found their ways in life