Confused.. any advice welcome

[TicklishPearlBear]

Hello,

firstly thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this, I’ll try to make it as short as possible!

i have a 2.8 year old who I am pretty much a single mum to. Her dad has her one day a week while I’m in the office. Other than that it’s here and there and minimal. I get no financial help from him.
my daughter is with me 24/7 other than 2/3 days a week that I must physically be in the office.

ive been separated from her dad over two years. I recently had a slip up and slept with him. It was more a hormonal thing and I do not want to be with him, he’s sadly quite useless. After the slip up I checked my period app and it said I was not in fertile phase so I stupidly did not take a morning after pill and here I am pregnant.
my immediate thought was I can’t do this and I booked an appointment for termination pill, I got the pills Monday and have been putting off taking them.

I have a fairly easy going kid but with a lot of energy and I already feel a bit stretched thin - I have no family.

i also had a bag pregnancy, I had HG so I threw up constantly until about 7.5 months pregnant and also had a difficult delivery and ended up with PPA. so this also scares me to do it again.

the past week my daughter has been ill and I’ve been pregnancy ill and I have noticed my patience has been non existent to things that don’t even usually bother me like her climbing on me and it’s made me snappy and I feel awful for that, but I somewhat imagine that’s how I’d be with a toddler and new born as a single mum.

I feel conflicted for so many reasons, I feel guilty about getting a termination. I’m 38 so this is could be my last chance, I feel guilty about her never having a sibling bond, I’m an only child myself. I do think they’d have a nice enough age gap to play together and be close. but everyone I know with two kids says how hard it is and they have a partner and family support. I don’t want to be a burnt out snappy mother. Me and my daughter are so close I also worry about breaking that 1 on 1 bond.

I also worry what if I get a difficult second child, and end up not coping or having a favourite
there’s so many things swirling around in my head I’m so confused

I think it’s incredibly common to doubt having a second child and the 1 on 1 bond changing but honestly a sibling is one of the best things you can give your child. It’s priceless seeing their bond develop.

However, being a single mum is never going to be plain sailing. Only you know how much you can cope with.

I’d say if you’re already feeling guilt I’d tread very carefully. Also those feelings of irritability won’t necessarily get better if you go on to feel regret/guilt, etc.

You mention that this ‘might be your last chance’, ie. You do want another? I think you really just need to decide if you want another baby and trust that if you do the rest will fall into place and if you don’t then trust that feeling. You’re allowed not to want this. Neither option is wrong, as long as you are at peace with it.

Sorry you haven't got much advice, perhaps you have made your mind up by now?. I totally relate to the snapping at the older child who suddenly goes from the baby to someone you expect so much more of. But equally a 3 year gap is manageable and gets easier after a couple of years, and they may have a playmate for life. Hope you're ok.

Have you considered getting counselling through the provider that gave you the pills? That could be useful. It is a really tough and personal decision but use this thread as a sounding board if you like. I have 2 dc and had similar worries about my PPD repeating itself the second time round but I had a lovely postpartum experience so it doesn't always happen. As pp said I think the gap would be manageable. But you have to put yourself and existing dc first if you think it would be too much. Hope you're ok it's a horrible situation to be in x