Termination - hand hold please 🙏🏼

[Beaglebummum]

Hi everyone, after seeing how much support is on this thread, I’m hoping for a hand hold and reassurance with my situation please.

I found out yesterday that I’m 7 weeks pregnant with an unplanned (contraceptive fail) pregnancy and I know deep down that an abortion is the best choice due to my health circumstances and for my family.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, and we have 2 DC, 5 and 3.
I suffered with post natal depression after both births, and as a result I was unable to care for myself or my baby/s, so my husband cared for us all for several weeks until I was medicated and able to cope.
I still have a lot of guilt and trauma from both of those periods - it robbed me of those first few weeks and my mental health has never been the same.
As a result, I had a severe mental breakdown in October which lasted around 6 months.. It’s only in the past 2 months that I’ve been feeling myself, being the mother my DC deserve and returning to work.
I was having suicidal thoughts, unable to care for myself or my family.. again my wonderful husband cared for us all, but I know this was at a cost to his own mental health as it’s not the first time I’ve struggled. He won’t admit that, but I know he worries and has his own trauma from that time.
My eldest DC suffered, albeit did not understand the situation, but the breakdown hit me like a ton of bricks, and the sudden change impacted him in school and at home.
I am now medicated and accepting that I will be for the foresable future to help me cope, and I’m on the waiting list of psychiatric trauma counselling.

I’m petrified of suffering with PND again, or worse having another breakdown which will cost my family dearly again. I have still not fully recovered from my breakdown, and this pregnancy has resurfaced anxiety and dread. Every time I have suffered, I feel like it’s taken a part of me each time.

I know a termination is the right route for us all, but I’m really struggling with the guilt of taking an innocent life. Both our DC were planned pregnancies and in all the years we’ve been together, we have never been in this position.

Please, if you are anti-abortion, do not comment on this thread or try to convince me to keep this baby. My MH is in tatters, and I really just need to hear of experiences that will bring me some comfort that others have felt this way and have got through this. I feel very alone right now.

Thank you if you have read this far, it’s much appreciated 💗

Sweetheart you are doing the right thing. So sorry you're in this position. Big big hug. Your DH sounds like a diamond. You can get through this. And nothing to feel guilty about IMHO, I hope you can see that eventually.

Don't feel guilty 😘
View it as doing the best for you and the family you have!!
It's an awful position to be in and I feel for you but try and focus on how moving forward from this will lead to your enjoyment of your children and you getting even more back to yourself!
Good luck xx

All the very best to you. Get all the help and support possible to get through this.

What an awful situation for you- please get speak to a counselling service first to talk through these feelings so you can make peace with your decision, hopefully it will help you in the long run.

Your DC sound lucky to have such a loving mother, who is putting their needs first.

💐💐💐💐

I was in this position last year with a 6yo and 2yo. I had an abortion at the same gestation that you are now after contraception failure. I wasn't suffering with my mental health but my body couldn't cope with another pregnancy. At the time to begin with I really wanted to keep going with the pregnancy but now nearly a year on I know it was absolutely the right decision for me, my health, my husband and my children.

Please dont feel bad for thinking of yourself and your family. Take some time to try and make peace with the situation, you know what is best for you all. Good luck.

If you have a mental illness that means another pregnancy will put your life at risk. I think it can be hard for people who don't have experience of how serious perinatal mental illness can be to understand, but this a (sad) but very sensible choice for your family. Please let your team know, and please avail of all counselling and supports. But your two living children deserve to have a Mum who is in recovery and looking at a bright future.

That doesn't mean that this is easy, but sometimes the right choices aren't easy.

Once you have recovered, please have a conversation with your husband and your GP about a more permanent method of contraception.

Sending your strength and hope for a better future.

I have been in a very similar situation - I terminated at 7 weeks after failed contraception because I knew it was the right thing for my mental health, my husband's mental health, and our existing child. It was hard; I know the guilt you feel, and how complicated these emotions can be. But you've not made the decision lightly and it's very brave to make such a difficult choice. This was 4 years ago, and I'm so glad I made the right choice for our family. I just wanted to share a perspective from a bit further down the road. Good luck, take care of yourself x

I’m so, so sorry OP. What a difficult and sad situation. You are doing the right thing. I had an abortion 35 years ago and not a year goes by that I don’t think about it. Someone said to me at the time, ‘You just need to remember it’s the right thing at this time’. I originally wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy but realised it wasn’t the right thing for various reasons. I’ve never regretted my decision and have 3 children but I needed therapy as I went on to have severe mental health difficulties which were always there. You will get through it, you know your choice and reasoning. Come back for support.

@Beaglebummum I've no experience. It must be incredibly tough for anyone considering an abortion, and it is not a position I would wish anyone to be in, but you do not have to justify that decision to anyone else. You've clearly thought through what's best for you and your family. Your decision is clearly being made with compassion for yourself, your family, and I would argue compassion for the potential for life your pregnancy represents. There are so many unknowns in pregnancy - for all you know if you were to continue the pregnancy, the pregnancy could end naturally anyway.

I hope you have places in real life you can reach out to for support during this experience. Continue giving yourself as much compassion as you can x

Just to add I had post natal depressant and anxiety with ptsd with both my children’s pregnancies and births. There is help and support out there ❤️

I had a termination at 8 weeks a few years back for very similar reasons. My MH seems to take a leaping nose dive straight out of the window after birth, and I couldn't put myself, husband or my existing children through that again.
I felt awful, guilty, anxious, overwhelmed.... but afterwards? I felt relief. Sadness, of course, but lots of relief.
I still think about it now and again, and I'm still certain I made the right decision, and still feel that relief. I chose not to put my children and husband through hell, and that's something I can live with.

You will be ok. You really will get through this. You are not alone, I promise you. X

You're doing the right thing OP. The most important ones here are you, your DC and your DH and you're making the right decision for the four of you. That is really all that matters. Please don't add guilt to the mental load you're already carrying. It will be okay

You don't need to justify your reasons to anyone, if it feels like the right decision for you, then it is. 😘

Try to reframe it in your head, you’re not ending an innocent life at all. You’re ending a pregnancy that would impact you and your whole family negatively . I’ve had a termination, felt guilty for years, complete waste of emotion. As a pp said It was the right decision at the time . I really wish you didn’t feel the need to justify your reasons, but I understand why you do. I think you will feel a sense of relief afterwards. Maybe look into permanent birth control for peace of mind going forward. Just one more thing, as I’ve got older I’ve talked about this with friends and I would say 80% of the women I know have had a termination , many more than I expected, it’s just no one talks about it . It’s for the best and you will come out the other side , best luck x

Thank you all so much for all of your supportive, kind messages and personal experiences. I cannot begin to tell you how much they’ve comforted me.

Sweetheart there is nothing wrong, nothing, with putting the wellbeing of you and your family first. You are not doing anything wrong.

I am so sorry you’ve had such a rough time, and I hope you continue to recover well. Be kind to yourself x

You need to reframe thoughts. It's not an innocent life (yet). It's a small bundle of cells in your uterus.

I am glad you feel comforted @Beaglebummum
We're all rooting for you to get through this and feel better. Keep posting if you need to.
Very best of luck. 💗

Thank you so much.
I had my assessment this afternoon and I feel emotionally wiped out 😢
My DC are now sleeping and I’m resting, trying to gather myself to take the first of my medical termination tablets.

I had a medical termination earlier this year.

Will someone be with you for support? The cramping can be a little painful so have a hot water bottle and pain killers ready x

My husband will be with me throughout which will really help.
I’ve just taken the first tablet, that felt like the hardest thing to do.. just starting the process .

How are you feeling now?

@Beaglebummum thinking of you 💐