Thinking of terminating 3rd pregnancy.

[Uncertainfuture1]

Please no judgement, seriously struggling as it is.

i found out I am pregnant with our 3rd. Husband wants to terminate due to financial reasons although is supportive to what I decide. I agree with him, we have to think of the 2 children we have now. They wouldn’t get the life we have now which is just scraping by for a cheap holiday once a year and a few days out, so nothing extravagant. We didn’t have this as children so even cheap things are big for us and we are proud we can give our children more than we had.

I feel really guilty already. We aren’t really materialistic but it’s the fact they won’t even have a cheap holiday in a caravan or to go out to softplay or bowling because the price for 5 is more than we have. They deserve to do these things but is that a good enough reason really?

We visit family every few months as we live far away and we won’t be able to afford that any more as we just about scrape the money for 1 hotel room now, hotel rooms don’t take 3 children after the last one is 2 so we’d need 2 rooms. We just don’t have much left over every month as it is and I fear it might even get worse with the cost of living. I also have high risk labours so will have to have another section plus I get gestational diabetes so pregnancy in general is terrifying for me to think about coping with again.

My head says the best thing we can do is terminate. My heart says this is something living inside of me with a heartbeat and what if I always think what if, who would they be, what if I feel guilty for the rest of my life even knowing it was the right decision for us as a family and I can’t ever get over it?

I was also really looking forward to getting back into work soon as my oldest is due to start reception this year with the youngest due in to start in 2 more years. I’ve been a SAHM as nursery fees for 2 made it not worthwhile to work. I was nervous but excited about getting out the house working and earning money again, actually buying makeup or clothes and not just making do with old rubbish with holes in!! Just not being ‘just mum’ like I have for the past few years. I was going to get a life soon and we was all going to flourish. I’ve only just started sleeping again now my kids sleep most of the night. I’m just a bit lost and guilty that materialistic things aren’t a good enough reason to terminate so therefore I’ll always feel guilty. My kids don’t NEED a cheap holiday to be happy.. it’s just that I really wanted them to have them and experiences. 😞

Not being able to afford a child is a valid reason. The financial impact it will have is always something to consider.

How many weeks are you? 💐

I’m 6 weeks, 1 day according to my last AF

Are your children 3 and 5? Are you happily married?

The majority of people who have abortions are already mothers, your reasons are valid and you have to do what is right for your family. No judgement.

Sorry you’re in this position, OP, but it does sound like termination is a very responsible thing to do if you’re just scraping by. It’s natural to feel conflicted, but given your financial situation, the impact on your DCs of you having a third child would probably also cause considerable guilt.

Just cells at this point.

It’s sensible to consider everything when an unplanned pregnancy happens. Your family that is already here is also an important consideration 💐

I keep arguing with the fact that we would be able to feed, clothe and love them all so the main bits we can handle, they don’t NEED a cheap holiday or days out. However I’ll probably just then feel guilty forever because they can’t do basic things that I wanted for them. I can’t even bare thinking about how we would help out with 3 teenagers. I had a dream of helping my 2 with uni costs, first car, be able to hand over some house deposit. General things that I never got in life. That wouldn’t be possible at all with 3.

Sounds logical and practical, take care x

You seem to have your answer here OP.

You could say your children don't NEED days out and a holiday, but equally they don't NEED another sibling either.

Children are a massive financial burden. I found myself in a similar situation this time last year and kept my baby.

I was terrified about how I would manage my job and afford childcare. The government is offering free childcare from 9 months for working families. Although this doesn't help long term financially it's helping me stay in employment.

I do feel keeping her has impacted us financially but the joy she brings makes it worth it x I do still question whether it was the right decision and she's 6 months.

I think only you really know what you can cope with. I come from a very large family and don't look back and feel like I missed out on anything x i didn't have fancy holidays.... sometimes I feel like my kids are quite brattish, privileged and it doesn't make them humble.... but don't we all say... when I was a kid I didn't get that 🙄

I know that if we had the baby, we would all fall in love and just get over the hurdles because generally you do just manage don’t you, somehow. However the baby isn’t here and I have the choice in front of me to just manage somehow all our life, or let the 2 children already here have as much as I can offer them albeit it I might feel guilty for the rest of my life too.

Do you ever feel like as much as you love your 3rd, if you could go back you’d change your decision?

I really feel for you. This is an agonising choice. I’m reminded of one of the characters in Mike Leigh’s film Vera Drake saying “It’s hard to love children that you can’t afford.”
I don’t mean to imply that you would not love a third child, you sound like a great mum (with a loving supportive husband).
I just mean that economic realities are just that, hard realities.
I think a previous poster said most terminations are by women who are already mothers. I think this is still a taboo in our society. I know a lot of mothers and only one who is open about having terminated a pregnancy after she’d had children.
Sending you love and strength to make the right decision for you and yours.

@Uncertainfuture1

Yes, I often think about that x

I just wish it didn't happen.... you can't miss something you never had. However, we were reckless and despite taking the morning after pill I was still pregnant. It was such a shock as I needed clomid to get pregnant with our last two. So I think I got lost in the whole.... it's meant to be scenario.

However, knowing what I know now and living this life.... hand on my heart i still would have reached the same decision. I worry a lot about the future.... but she's 6 months old and we're making it work.

The c section,high risk and diabetes is enough of a reason without all the other VALID reasons you've stated.
I used to be very anti abortion when younger but seeing life as an adult in the real world,I'm very pro choice now.
There is no wrong choice whatever you decide so please be gentle on yourself.

Very very tough decision and I see how it will impact your life so much. Just take a few days to think things over and go with your gut. Do the right thing for you & if that is stopping at two kids then for your health and future maybe that’s right.

I terminated an accidental pregnancy when my two children were small, a good part of my reasons were that I had only just got back into the swing of things at work, and three children would have meant things would have been tight rather than comfortably OK. I just didn't have the energy to stretch to three children. I don't regret it at all.

Hiya ,

I feel for you I know how hard this is to go through .
I found myself in a very similar situation to you a couple of years back . I have a three bedroom house , two children , we have decent paying jobs however like you wanted to be able to give them the best start in life that we can . Like yourself I would have needed to have a 3rd c section due to having had two high risk pregnancy’s previously one which resulted in many complications . I done what I felt was right for my family and myself and I didn’t go ahead. I wasn’t prepared to risk my health and also take away the future plans I had for my two children . I don’t regret my decision as hard as it was to make I knew it was the right one. We are fortunate enough to have a choice and you can make a choice for yourself and your family with no judgement. Good luck xx

Please keep your baby. X

No judgement here op. I'd do the same as we're in the same position. We do ok, have a decent life, not great but we're alright. A third would mean we'd just scrape by, any plans of university, helping then with cars etc. would go out the window. I wouldn't want that for my children personally.

Plus we'd be so precarious if either of us lost our jobs, a very real possibility in a recession, we'd be screwed for sure.

I'd do it, I'd feel sad that we weren't in a different position but I wouldn't regret it (and didn't in the past)

Really i think each pregnancy, even to the same woman, is different. DS2 was very very much an accident but I was married and went ahead and i thank my lucky stars for him. Then I got pregnant 5 years later, after divorcing, and I didn't go ahead. Initially I felt enormous relief and then about four years later realising that that most definitely had been my last pregnancy i had some grief. Now many years later I can wholeheartedly say it was the correct decision. As we all know babies become teenagers and then adults and i just don't have the resources for three.

You don't want another baby. The fact that you're pregnant doesn't mean you are obligated to have one. Do the thing you want to do, terminate and get your contraception fail safe. Stop feeling guilty.

There is no easy answer and termination is absolutely a valid option. What I would say is, think about your needs too and watch how much your vision may be clouded by anxiety about the situation or swayed by other’s opinions - some hurdles can seem astronomical when you’re feeling trapped and in a seemingly time limited and life changing situation. It’s absolutely valid and responsible not to have children that you can’t afford, however you need to look at it really objectively. If I’m honest I’m concerned that you already feel guilty as the aftermath of a termination can be very hard to come to terms with, it’s not a reset button unfortunately. There is no easy or perfect choice here and I think that’s what makes it so difficult.

How utterly unhelpful.

Hey op, looks like someone has come along and offered to fully fund the extra costs for 18 years and give you a job where you can get your career back on track and will address all the other obstacles for you!

So nice of you to do that OKt