Thinking of terminating 3rd pregnancy.

[Uncertainfuture1]

Please no judgement, seriously struggling as it is.

i found out I am pregnant with our 3rd. Husband wants to terminate due to financial reasons although is supportive to what I decide. I agree with him, we have to think of the 2 children we have now. They wouldn’t get the life we have now which is just scraping by for a cheap holiday once a year and a few days out, so nothing extravagant. We didn’t have this as children so even cheap things are big for us and we are proud we can give our children more than we had.

I feel really guilty already. We aren’t really materialistic but it’s the fact they won’t even have a cheap holiday in a caravan or to go out to softplay or bowling because the price for 5 is more than we have. They deserve to do these things but is that a good enough reason really?

We visit family every few months as we live far away and we won’t be able to afford that any more as we just about scrape the money for 1 hotel room now, hotel rooms don’t take 3 children after the last one is 2 so we’d need 2 rooms. We just don’t have much left over every month as it is and I fear it might even get worse with the cost of living. I also have high risk labours so will have to have another section plus I get gestational diabetes so pregnancy in general is terrifying for me to think about coping with again.

My head says the best thing we can do is terminate. My heart says this is something living inside of me with a heartbeat and what if I always think what if, who would they be, what if I feel guilty for the rest of my life even knowing it was the right decision for us as a family and I can’t ever get over it?

I was also really looking forward to getting back into work soon as my oldest is due to start reception this year with the youngest due in to start in 2 more years. I’ve been a SAHM as nursery fees for 2 made it not worthwhile to work. I was nervous but excited about getting out the house working and earning money again, actually buying makeup or clothes and not just making do with old rubbish with holes in!! Just not being ‘just mum’ like I have for the past few years. I was going to get a life soon and we was all going to flourish. I’ve only just started sleeping again now my kids sleep most of the night. I’m just a bit lost and guilty that materialistic things aren’t a good enough reason to terminate so therefore I’ll always feel guilty. My kids don’t NEED a cheap holiday to be happy.. it’s just that I really wanted them to have them and experiences. 😞

Oh! Of course complete strangers should make decisions about their lives based on what @OKt thinks is ok!

Or maybe, as abortion is safe and legal, it IS in fact an option and your opinion means less than fuck all?

Who cares if you are horrified ?

But abortion is an everyday choice in our society? Are you new here?

The op doesn't have the resources for another child. I imagine you'd have something to say about her children not being fed or clothed properly, should she continue., because she can't afford to.

@Uncertainfuture1 I don't know what the answer is for you, but having been in a situation much younger and being pregnant and trying to weigh everything up I know it is a hard position to be in. Sending you best wishes whatever you decide.

Whether or not you decide not to continue the pregnancy I would say get some counselling to talk through your thoughts and feelings. I never did, and I wish I had (maybe I will in the future).

OP, I would really encourage you to talk to a professional counsellor about this if at all possible. You’re clearly taking it seriously and have genuine concerns in both directions so I’m not sure us saying either “have a termination, it’ll be fine” or “have the baby, it’ll be fine” is really what you need. An open-minded counsellor is much more likely to help you understand your own feelings and reach a decision that you are confident is the right one.

Dangerous censorship

Please take your anti-choice rhetoric somewhere else.

Sorry you are in such a difficult position. As others posters have said, it might help to speak to a counsellor. The thing that jumps out at me is you say "My heart says this is something living inside of me with a heartbeat and what if I always think what if, who would they be". I had a termination years ago, and the decision was mostly based on practical reasons. I didn't ask myself what I really wanted to do, deep down. I do regret it, and wonder who they would have been.

It's different for everyone though, so you should make the decision you think you will find easiest to live with in the long term. I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having to make this decision. It's not easy. I also just had to make this very difficult decision. Im also a Mum to two and wasnt planning on having a 3rd. Just started a new job only 8 weeks ago. Finally feel like I'm getting my life back and imagining all the things I can give to my children that I didn't have. We have also only just been scraping by and trying to make ends meet. We haven't been on a holiday abroad since before the children were born and my eldest is nearly 7. In the end, as much as I too felt like whatever decision I made was going to be the wrong one, I decided to do what my partner wanted and to terminate. Although he said he supported my decision, I could tell that the idea of another child was making him very miserable but he was afraid to admit it. I know it was the right decision in my head but in my heart it wasn't the right decision. I love being a mum and love is priceless. But I don't think I would've been a good mum if I was struggling with financial burden and worrying about the future and my job and everything else in between. The termination was over the weekend. I'm surprised at how easy I have found the whole experience. I don't regret it and I feel like I can move on with my life now. Its made me appreciate my two children even more and put a few things into perspective. I didn't ask to get pregnant. It was an accident and the morning after pill didn't work. Just because I was pregnant doesn't mean I have to accept that I'm going to be a mum again. Saying that, if I had been further along than I was (I was 8 weeks at termination) I would've found the decision harder and in all honesty I would've gone through with it and just 'found a way' like mums do but given I had the choice, I'm glad I decided to stop it. I hope this helps in some way.

Thank you, this did help. Most stories I have read (feels like I’ve read every single forum on the internet by now) are full of women who have majorly regretted it and are struggling in life. It’s refreshing to hear a story where you are managing ok afterwards. Sorry you were in the position too, it’s so difficult. I do feel guilty we should have tried harder to prevent it as we know exactly what the consequence is, however husband is now going to get the snip!

This is difficult because deep down I do want to keep the baby, however it isn’t practical at all. It’s hard to pick a winner over head and heart, especially when you don’t know how you will feel afterwards. I do think I will opt for the counselling now though.

Why?

I sense that you don't want to terminate. If that's true and you're having doubts then please don't. Only do it if you're 100 percent sure. I sound like a broken record on this forum but I had a termination at 8 weeks knew it was right at the time but it crippled me. I got pregnant 3 months later and now have a baby girl who will be one soon. I love her soo much. I still wonder how my terminated angel would have been. It hurts me.

If those are your financial concerns then I wouldn't worry. Could family come out to see you? Hotel room? That was my fear after having read 3 posts..hotel rooms don't cater for 3 kids...how will u go on holiday etc etc. When I got pregnant again I didn't care about these thing so just wanted a baby and then after realised they were unnecessary fears. We got an air bnb and it was cheaper. It was nice having our own privacy. Would I change having my third for a hotel room or the money saved? No way! Foodwise too you just learn to budget and be frugal. Same with clothes. We wasted a lot when we had one child...2 helped but having 3 definitely makes it easier. We pass clothes along, look at sales. Soft play and bowling...we were getting bored going regularly but we space them out in the year and have money in order for it (save) and it's valued by us more and the kids.

I can't advise on the high risk labours and c section sorry but I know women who have had a few sections and been okay. Maybe it's something you could speak to midwife about? As for gestational diabetes every pregnancy is different so please don't worry and midwife can help with these things.

After your youngest stages nursery maybe you could put this one in nursery too and start working? The law has changed for childcare for working parents and u get more hours free (please check), plus by that time comes u could start a small business from home?

I'm just giving you things to think about but at the end of the day it's your choice and what you want. Remember most women do get quite anxious second or third time around being pregnant and suffer peri natal anxiety which clouds their judgement. Make sure u choose what ur going to do when ur calm and relaxed.

Also you can still have a cheap holiday. It's not impossible to do ur research and keep an eye on things beforehand.

If they are struggling to afford that already how will they afford it with another child?

You need to think about what you really want to do, if you're not 100% sure then take your time to decided. I don't regret my decision at all, very similar position, it would have made us financially struggle and I didn't want to take away from the two children I have. They have also only recently got their own room's and space and I didn't want to take that away from them. Yes of course people "manage" but it depends if you want to "manage" or live a little with the children you have.

No judgement at all (and please no judgement on my suggestion), just have some questions for you to think about.

Have you considered other options, like adoption? This way you are giving another family what they can't have, no financial worries for you either.

If the answer is 'no way I'd never give my baby to another family' or 'yes I'd consider that' then maybe it'll help you with your decision on having the baby or not.

Only you can make this decision of course. If it helps, I am one of three (siblings very close in age) only went on one or two holidays but never felt like I missed out on a childhood/love because there were three of us ad our relationship with each other is really great as adults. We were pretty hard up but I only realised that when I was much older.

If you came into money, would you be thinking this way?
If you had the choice taken away (MMC) how would you feel?
If DH was over the moon with joy at the news, how would you feel?
Is there a reason why you're asking for people's opinions - anything you are hoping to hear?

Again no judgement, but you need to be 100% sure of whatever decision you make.

We are in EXACTLY the same boat OP. Scan yesterday was '6 weeks ish'. This really us crunch time for me as I'm feeling more pregnant by the day. Feeling everything you're feeling.

OP sorry you are going through this.

Financial considerations for your family of 4 is good enough reason to have a termination.

As your DC get older it becomes more expensive soft play turns into laser tag which turns into PGL school trips ................................... Let's not forget hobbies, sports, swimming lessons, computer games etc. I would hate my DC to miss any of this, which they would if you are struggling now.

Yes love, food and clothes are the very basics of raising a family but money really helps with truly enjoying your life - not worrying about spending £20 on ice cream and drinks at the beach, a cinema trip, watching a sporting event etc

The women I know IRL who have had abortions have never regretted it. Yes, initially teary for a month or so but then them knowing the impact a baby would have had on their lives makes them realise they have made the right decision.

There are some charities that can help with counselling. Stillwater I believe help with this sort of thing over the phone. I believe there’s another couple that are similar but their names elude me. Please do speak to someone to get what’s right for you. Everyone’s different.

What I will say and what I found to be extremely hindering was the idea that you must be 100% sure. I swathered about so much, delayed and delayed because I was holding on for this sense of 100% certainty and it was never going to come. I do understand that others do have this certainty and I envy them. I can also totally understand why people feel 100% is crucial but if you are feeling sad/torn I think its OK to be on the edge of indecision to a degree and its completely normal. I think this might have helped me feel a bit more at peace with my own turmoil over everything. I'd suggest that more fitting advice would be that it must be your decision and one that comes from your gut instincts. In the end, a decision has to be made but let it be right for you and your family to the best of your own conviction right now, however that looks.

@Japonica83 that is such a useful way to look at it. Even now 33 years later I was still looking at my decision with black and white thinking - why did I go through with an abortion if I wasn't 100% convinced.

Life decisions come in many shades of in between.

I had an abortion at 16, so that I had a chance to go to college, live my life, travel and go to university. I don't regret doing those things and now have a teenage DS, and a job and house of my own (which I didn't at 16, fairly obviously). I would probably been stuck with the dad, who was nice enough but a heavy drinker and no prospects of a decent job. Did I honour my own chance at life or did I become a very young mum and have a very different life path - become a different person? Would have been poor (less financial stability than now) and raising a child without much life experience.

My head says it was the sensible decision but my heart hasn't always agreed over the years. It is really difficult to weigh a potential life on a pros and cons list.

As you said though, it is so rare to be able to make a complex decision like this with 100% certainty. I still don't know if it was the 'right' thing - given the balance of options, it probably was. Sometimes there is only a least worst option when you get pregnant accidentally.

It makes me sad to think of the possibilities of that pregnancy and what might have been. However, realistically it has given me and my current family a better shot at life. DS has SEND and I have needed all the money and experience I can muster to support him through education.

Different scenario to OP, but for many women of any age, choosing an abortion (or not) is a decision which is complex. You have my sympathies OP.

Sometimes there isn't a clear right or wrong.

@Japonica83 and @Alltheyearround

Very useful and thoughtful inputs.
I always think being 100% on anything complex and emotive is often a fantasy.

I recently found out that I was 4 weeks pregnant. I already have 2 children and it took a long time to conceive them. I’m nearly 39 and couldn’t get my head around having a newborn again. I called MSI in a panic on the first day and initially booked in for a medical abortion, with the appointment being made in 2 weeks time. I tortured myself during this time, trying to decide whether it was the right decision. I changed my mind more times than I can remember and couldn’t see how I would ever live with the guilt. I was dropping my children to school and coming home sobbing all day in bed. I spoke to a MSI counsellor who really helped and made me realise decisions like this will never be black and white, and to not compare my life to anybody else’s. I did some research prior to the appointment re medical abortions which terrified me even more. I attended my appointment, broke down and changed my mind to a have a surgical abortion. I felt with having children at home this would be the best procedure. I had to wait another 2 weeks for this appointment. I can honestly say that I’m so thankful that I waited those 4 weeks before actually taking any action, as despite booking in for termination straight away, I was definitely in 2 minds up until about 1 week ago. I have never cried and worried so much in my life, but I know I have made the right choice for me and my family; and I strangely don’t feel any type of emotion today having had the surgical abortion. I never ever thought I’d get to this place mentally, but time is definitely key. Don’t rush Your decision. whatever you decide will be right for you.