Post Abortion Regret..

[yexxl5]

Hi everyone i’m 26 and I recently had a medical abortion. At the time it felt like the best option because my partner and I both have quite a lot going on and didn’t think it was a good idea to bring a baby into the mix at the time. I was climbing out of a depression after struggling to find a new job, plus I’m sifting through some debt from university and my partner has a little one from a previous relationship & so felt like he was only just financially and mentally getting his life back on track now that she’s in primary school.

This was my first ever pregnancy and it was super unexpected, we are usually careful but I guess not careful enough. I think in the moment we both panicked and made a decision that we felt was not only right for ourselves, but also for the potential baby (given our situations).

I found out around 4 weeks and time kind of went by while we tried to figure out what to do. I kept debating and felt like if I chose to keep it that it would be selfish of me in a way. I’ve always wanted children and I know some people consider it a ball of cells at that stage, but I started growing attached and was afraid that if we didn’t keep it it would hurt even more after prolonging the process, so I quickly went ahead with a medical abortion at 6 weeks.

Immediately after the abortion I began regretting it. Now, all I see are other pregnant people, scan photos and baby bumps and I can’t help but feel like I made a very silly and irrational mistake here. I think about what our baby would’ve looked like, who they would’ve grown to become etc. I was still going through it during Mother’s Day which stung a bit. I’m just really struggling mentally and can feel myself ever so slowly slipping back into a depression.

On one hand, I think we could’ve made it work as many people in even worse situations do, that in a way my partner and I are selfish for not taking responsibility and making it work. But then on the other hand, I think we just weren’t ready it wouldn’t have been fair on the baby. We both haven’t had the best upbringing so we really didn’t want to subject a baby to something similar.

Ironically early into the abortion I was called for an interview for a job that seemed promising, but obviously I wasn’t in a place to go. I can’t help but think, if only I had just waited another week before rushing into things, I would’ve probably felt more hopeful about my finances and confident about going ahead with the pregnancy. I haven’t let this go in vain though it’s kind of motivated me in a way to push through and get myself sorted so i’m hopefully never in that position again. If I knew then what I know now about how i’d feel and that job opportunities were close I never would’ve went ahead with it, but before I found out I was pregnant I just felt so low and stuck in my situation.

I also kind of have a sort of resentment towards not only myself but my partner too. I guess I feel like if he was confident and happy to go ahead with the pregnancy it would’ve filled me with more confidence. Obviously I could’ve ultimately gone ahead with it but my situation + I really do care about him and I wouldn’t have wanted the pressures of a new baby to negatively affect his mental health as well, which then would’ve likely affected his little one. I think he himself regrets our decision as well, but the timing was just not right.

Im not looking for sympathy, Idk I guess i’m not really sure what I am looking for, perhaps to vent & see whether anyone else regrets their abortion, and/or how long it took to move forward? I know it’s mine and my partner’s own fault ultimately, but i’m just kind of struggling with it all at the moment.

Anyway thanks for listening if you made it this far.

Just wanted to say I am exactly where you are- its 8 weeks since mine. found out at 4 weeks, had the procedure at 6. like you wanted it but my mind was on autopilot worrying about finances and other things- whereas like you say other people are in worse situations. my husband wasn't keen and I am so angry at it as if he had been supportive i would never have done it. the worst is that he doesn't see that he persuaded me. he says it was just his opinion. Like you my mh has spiralled since. are you getting any counselling? message me if you need to- its only other people going through this which makes me fee less alone. the fault thing is the worst bit knowing we've chosen this but actually we didn't- prenatal depression is a thing and there should be the safeguards in place to warn us and help us see a way forward. there's lots of ladies on here who have been where we are and managing to see some light at the end of the tunnel. im 8 weeks on and its not quite the manic rawness it was to begin with x

Thank you so much for replying! ❤️ I am so sorry that you’re in the same boat.

It’s 7 weeks today since mine & I definitely understand that anger towards your husband. Now that’s done it kind of feels like omg none of it reallly mattered; the finances, partner’s stance on it - but at the time it felt like it was soo important, especially my partner probs more than the finances because like you if he’d been supportive I never would’ve done it.

Ahh i’m sorry to hear your MH is also not doing good. I didn’t get any counselling because I kind of feel like they’re just going to say things that I already know, but that don’t make it any easier like “you made the best choice for you at the time” & tell me it was just a clump of cells etc. I don’t think it would work for me, have you given it a try?

I agree about the safeguarding, I definitely feel I wasn’t anywhere near prepared well enough for the process, especially the after effects. Whole thing has been traumatic.

I would love to take you up on messaging you if that’s okay, maybe we can help each other

thanks again ❤️

Yep it's awful and traumatic. Remember your body is also grieving the loss and your hormones need to settle.

So true, thank you, I hope you’re doing okay ❤️

I'm afraid I have never fully got over it, 18 years on. Make sure you get proper counselling, I never did, I buried it and it came back to haunt me after having my own children. I would advise making peace with it somehow.
I now have 3 children, but a friend of mine has an 18 year old, that's the age my child would be if I had kept him/her and I ache with regret sometimes.

So last month I found out I was pregnant I was very early on only 4 weeks and got myself into a complete shock and panicked.I had a medical abortion 4days after and now I fully regret it. I thought I was doing the right thing for my 2 kids 1 is 14 with autism and my other who is 4 and can be a handful at times and is my baby, my youngest was a twin but only one had a heartbeat and the other was a vanishing twin I think this is where my anxiety started 5 years ago. Through his pregnancy we moved house I put on 4 stone and just was completely depressed but didn’t really know it at the time I probably had PND as I just put it down to being heavily pregnant moving areas new home ect. Since then I’ve always been terrified of being pregnant I don’t know why but have had a few scares and always immediately thouggt I couldnt keep it, I would get my self all worked up on the negatives and never thinking of the positives. Anyway. So I made the desision last month as I fell into complete doom insomnia started I was a nervous wreck and that I couldn’t put my family in jeopardy I seen the baby as a threat which now is just ridiculous!! my life then was perfect both kids had there own rooms and juggling my times between the two was right, I have came off sertraline in December and thought I have overcome my anxiety to which I actually didn’t looking back now since December I should of stayed on it. I went to the clinic 2 days later and had a scan where they said it was just a sac no embryo no fetal pole, nothin inside just a sac which made my anxiety think it was more justifiable, I went home with the meds and spoke to my partner almost convincing him that we can’t carry on with the pregnancy he said that it was my choice and he would support me either way, I wish he knew that I was in a state of panick but I was also trying to convince myself at the same time, I took the first pill and then that was that. Instant regret like my mental illness played some evil trick on me I am now still suffering with bad insomnia and serve anxiety where I have now gone back onto sertraline and propannaol to beat this mental illness and im waiting for counseling from NHs and Msi. It always makes me make the worst desisions through negative thinking, as I’m now coming to terms with what happened and I’m back on my meds I’ve had a lot of time to think about my actions and considering having a 3rd child. I am not trying to replace the conception in any way shape or form, but my truest desire is always having another child to complete my family. I would like to hear of other ladies that have been through a similar situation and went on and had another baby as this is all I’m thinking about.

Just to say my heart goes out to you. Theres a few of us on here who did the same- driven by depression and axeixty rushed into a decision when instead we needed time and to talk to someone. Despite it being well documented that people with mh issues may suffer from prenatal depression and be more likely to be mentally adversely impacted by terminating, none of the clinics ever bother to check. Ive actually raised this with my clinic. But onto you, those few weeks are the worse- I had mine mid february and despite having ongoing mental health problems I have never been as low and suicidal as i was those first few week. That desire to have another child is also a biological response to the situation. I was desperate for a baby and even though I am married at one point was googling sperm donation such was my desperation. All I can say is have your MSI counselling and get stable on your meds before deciding. It is always going to be part of you but I promise it won't stay as raw. Whilst its always on my mind, I am functioning more that I was a few weeks ago. just message if you need to chat. Its only having other people in here going through similar that has kept me sane at points x

Hi i hope you don’t mind me replying to this conversation, but I came across this thread and I feel like I’m in a very similar situation, I had an abortion at 8 weeks through panic and fear that we couldn’t cope but instantly regretted it, ever since then I cry every day and I don’t know where to turn to for help. Are you starting to feel better and is there anything that helps?

I don’t know if anyone will see my msg
but reading the stories I’ve been searching for, makes me realise I wasn’t alone. I have been torturing myself since I found out over 3 weeks ago. I’m engaged to an amazing guy who also wants kids, and we had planned them in the next year or two anyways.. my head has been all over the place since I found out, we’ve not even bought our home yet and we are saving for a wedding and just started a business together, so we said Right now wasn’t the right time. I was 50/50 I couldn’t make up my mind, I had an abortion when I was 20 and didn’t look back. I was sad. But I felt relief as I knew that wasn’t the time for me either and the guy was a dick anyway. So I never actually realised how much at 34 how this could impact on me, especially as this is what I’ve always wanted with a guy I love and wants that too. But it came at the wrong timing: we’ve had the worst year after losing my step mother, our mental health’s really took a bad turn since November, since then we’ve been dealing with depression and only stayed to come out of that about May time, then I got pregnant in June..so it’s not been even a month since we’ve just started to feel happy again since losing her.
I panicked in my decision and looking back I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to decide I also felt I had to do it quickly before 9’weeks and I was 8 weeks when I done it. Firstly I regretted taking the first pill. And refused to take the rest.‘I spoke to three nurses at NUPAS and they all said to continue with the termination, they said it was more likely I would lose it and miscarry anyway/ three nurses! I then waited till morning and went A&E saw a doctor who spoke to gynaecologist and he said I would be more likely than unlikely that baby would be ok. So I then felt relief. But why wasn’t there more support from NUPAS they had three calls from me in distress about the first tablets why wasnt there more support and guidance. I was clearly making impulsive decisions based on fear. And I never knew so much about hormones, i was in such an emotional state I wasn’t in the clear headed space to make that choice. i feel let down by the clinic, if someone had spoken to me and mentioned how bad I might feel especially with my MH and how it could affect me they just said continue the procedure and told me I had 48 hours to do so.
the day after the hospital I went back into that panic mode, thinking omg do I really want to continue this if I might have already caused damage… and then I’ll have to have a surgical abortion, which made the pain even harder for me. I wanted to do the medical way.
as I remember when I was younger it was painful but wasn’t too bad.
so this time I wanted to deal with it as quickly as possible before I hurt myself even more. and it was early on rather than leaving it so long in the pregnancy for me to endure more pain if I let it go on any longer.
i thought I needed to act fast, I felt like I did it all on a panic, and i never thought I could possibly feel this low. Or I would never have done it. The whole process has been awful. From the regret of the first pill and then, not wanting to do the second and then doing it in panic, even though the hospital said it might be ok. I feel so angry at myself because I wasn’t thinking clear, one day was different from the next. I was all over the place, I needed more guidance. My partner was super supporting. But we never anticipated how bad we would feel after, we thought we would have that in the future once we have thw chance to give our children the best stability they need, we are suffering the trauma of our past and we didn’t want to impact on our baby; plus all over the other reasons. However all of that seems so trivial now. I know I would of been able to do it all: I just didn’t have a rational head on me 💔 I feel so lost, the depression is something I’ve known my whole life. But this is something that has finished me. My whole life was in the palm of my hand. And I let it go based on fear. Now I sit here everyday crying in regret. I always said i live my life without any regret, now I must live with the hardest one yet 😢
also nobody explained how hard the process is at home to, it’s meant to be a safe space. Now it’s filled with flash backs or the horrendous ordeal
which is a whole other trauma, that horrendous ordeal of it being at home and playing it down like a bad period is wrong. It’s nothing like that, it’s traumatic and so heartbreaking especially when you see everything my heart is broken from that alone… let alone the grief snd regret I feel now because I acted on a fear based panic decision it was nothing like a heavy period, that pain I thought I was going to die. So that’s another added haunting moment.
I wish I could undo my wrong, I feel ashamed and disgusted at how I couldn’t get a grip on my feelings I was all over the place and that led me to such a dark mess, now im having
suicidal thoughts because I messed up the one thing I’ve wanted more in my
life. All because I panicked. I wish I could go back in time and make the right choice, like I was half way doing 💔
I am so so lost, I feel so much pain with this regret. My heart goes out to you all. X

my heart goes out to you- its the worst place ive ever been in and like you say when its at home it now means you safe space is just a reminder. things will be so raw and hormone driven now- its a grief but i promise in time the intensity of pain will subsided and you may even have moments when its not all consuming. you will smile and laugh again. please access any support you need- your provider should offer counselling and if you google Arch- they are a charity who provide a post abortion helping and just always have a listening ear. im just sorry you are going through this. there s many of us who have been in that dark place and i honestly thought i would never get out it but time does help as does getting some counselling and support. the services need to improve how they help people make a decision- yet most people are fine but many of us are not and feel rushed into the decision through panic. message any time its only poeople on here and ARCH who got me through x

Thank you for your kindness ❤️
i am truly just living in such huge regret, nothing has ever made me feel so bad in all my life and I’ve had such a crap life, I’ve been through so much pain. But nothing compares to this, I’ve never regretted anything and never thought at 34 I would do this. There’s so many women who have done the same thing acted in panic 💔 such a evil life lesson to learn afterwards
how do you cope with the regret, I don’t know how to move past this. If I knew I would be like this there’s no way I would of done that. Appreciate the support so much x

how are you doing now hun x

Have you managed to access any counselling from your provider? I found that helped just to process things. the other thing i found helpfiul that i had to paid for privately was EMDR- its a therapy for post traumatic stress disorder which you may be experiencing. time does help and please forgive yourself- no one prepares you for the fall out and we live in society which to safeguard people;s right to ternination (which is a right) but no one talks about the nuance that for some women its a grief and may not have been the right thing. please message anything- its a complicated grief but over time the intensity does lessen x

Thank you so much
im waiting for all of that to start, but it’s not quick. They didn’t even bother to console me when I was at my lowest.
the pain does take over, but each day I’m just trying to cope and come to terms with it all.
I appreciate the support x

you do feel abandoned by the services- it feels they are happy to give out the pills but not deal with the emotional side. indeed one nurse just said to me 'youve made the decision, its done you just need to get on with it now' in such a cold manner it made me feel 100x s worse. Whilst you await for counselling, do phone ARCH- they run a helpline and provide a listening ear- 03456038501 run by women who have been through it. they were an amazing help xx
**

Thank you I will contact them. The system is completely broken.
there is no care, no compassion or even guidance. we are just another number, I can’t believe how many women have been failed by it
thank you for the support
xx

Hi all! thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply, just thought i’d come back and give a little update. ❤️

So, overall my mental health is much better than it was. far from perfect, but much better. i’ve got a new job and have been pretty busy, which for the most part has taken my mind off it all. But I do still think about things in my downtime; like how far along i’d be that week, what my bump would look like, how/when i would’ve told my loved ones, what the baby would’ve looked like.

I do still believe we could’ve definitely made it work, but at the time with my hormones and the shock, we just panicked. I am starting to make some peace with the decision, which I never thought i’d do. It is still difficult because quite a few people around me are pregnant or have had babies recently. Before my pregnancy I would be really involved and invested in my loved one’s new pregnancy/baby, now, as bad as it sounds, I have no interest. I just can’t do it yet, because it makes me feel like “well they’ve said their situation wasn’t perfect but they made it work, why on earth didn’t I?we?!”. But I know as time goes on and I make even more peace with my decision, that should fade away.

I am so grateful that we are able to access terminations easily and for free, but I am conflicted. I get they don’t want to sway anyone’s decision because it’s a personal and private decision, but perhaps they should look into a way to make sure it’s the absolutely right decision for you. for example, someone might want to actually go through with the pregnancy but maybe for financial reasons decide not to. info on resources available to them being shared could have them see the situation a little differently. I can’t remember whether counselling beforehand is offered & maybe that’s part of it, but in that panic I wouldn’t have taken it anyway. maybe it could be part of the process when they ask the reason why you want a termination. doesn’t have to be formal or invasive, but maybe a more casual conversation IDK.

But anyway, I have been using this time to try and better myself and live a bit more. do things I didn’t do before I got pregnant, that wouldn’t have been as easy to do pregnant or with a new baby. I have also been working on building my savings. Just little things so that in my mind it wasn’t in vain almost¿? Still sucks but I know now I’ll be okay.

I know everyone’s situation and reasoning differs, but things will get better ❤️‍🩹

And no judgement to anyone who is reading this try to decide on whether to go through with a termination or not. It’s a personal choice! I know how shocking and scary it can be.. all I recommend you do is take a moment to breathe and try to think clearly amongst the hormones and stress. what are you reasons for not wanting to the pregnancy? If some of those reasons could be eased, would you go ahead with it? regardless make the right decision for you.

Im so pleased you are doing better. I have been trying to stop the torture of going over how much I would change everything. I’ve now accepted I cannot change it, but it will teach us the reality of everything. I truly understand more than ever how things could have been dealt with and worked out. Instead in the panic and without the advise from
the clinic (apart from terminate) I made a bad decision based on fear. Without having proper support and understanding. However now I know, that mistake will never happen again. I’ve found some comfort in a few things I’ve heard through a psychic mediums. I will just ask you to do your own digging for “soul contracts and abortion”
youll either understand it ot not. But for me it really has helped 🙏🏼
not much as I still hurt everyday, but I have some more understanding on so many things now. As hard and painful as it is, life has to continue and that’s all I’ve been trying to do, day by day. I managed to get out the house after 1 week at home without going anywhere. I could barely manage to do anything apart from sit in bed and go over and over things I cannot change. But I can change the future and like you say, you must take this time to really enjoy every single moment.
I can say this has to be the hardest most painful lesson to date, but sometimes the hardest battles make the best for us. I know that I won’t ever question myself again, I doubted myself so much. Didn’t listen to my true self.
i let fear and panic take over. Never again will I do that, I am a good person who made a bad choice. It will not define us, because there are so many factors. And the system and the clinics have failed and will continue too.
my prayers to you all ❤️🙏🏼

hey love! 🩷 yess we made a decision based on fear at the time and maybe we’ll never fully move on but we’ll move forward, we have to! & I actually do know about soul contracts with babies and that too has given me comfort. when the time is right, we’ll have our babies. definitely a difficult lesson that I’m sure i’ve learned from! I know you’ve said you had only just started feeling happy again before the pregnancy, so I truly hope you’re able to get back to that soon 🩷

It helps knowing I’m not alone, but very right in saying how hard this is and probably cannot get over this. I’m still so heartbroken 💔 I just want to go back in time. I’ve also just found out my mum has stage 2 cervical cancer, now realising again how short life is.
😢 I just want to go back and put it right. And I can’t 💔 I’m sending you prayers 🙏🏼 this is the hardest thing x

Hi Everyone,

long post alert, sorry 😞

came across this forum and for the 1st time in 3 years I feel like I'm not alone with reading each of your post abortion experiences, i can relate so much to each one, heres mine

I was 35 yrs when I got pregnant, had 3 children, married, working in healthcare and was slowly climbing the career ladder. I had large gaps (5yrs) between my kids so when I found out I was pregnant Christmas eve with my youngest being 2 yrs old I was filled with anxiety. I rushed into having a medical abortion and feel that the financial issues Christmas brings made me feel my overall situation was way worse than it probably was. Not only that but my husband had a vasectomy 2 months prior and we stupidly did not wait for the all clear and paid the price. My husband has since been confirmed sterile, it was just his remaining swimmers that I got pregnant by. He did not want another baby. My anger really arose when he did not take time off to come with me to the appointment for the abortion as he had work( so did i) I called him b4 I went in to confirm this was what he wanted, deep down probably hoping he would tell me don't do it, but he didn't and I went ahead. I cried in the appointment and the whole way home.

My anger now really flares up the anniversary of the termination and the wud have been due date and over the 3 years seems to be getting worse not better. I love my husband but can't help feel betrayed that he didn't come with me when I needed him. Also the fact I no I can never have another baby post vasectomy makes me feel less attracted to him although that was also a joint decision. I just feel my life and marriage has been so badly effected by my rash decision and wud give up everything to go back to Christmas 3 years ago I definitely would not have made the same decision.
Sorry for ranting
From a heartbroken/messed up woman

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's something once you have kids you ever really tho know you will go through. There's lots of us on here who made the same decision and struggling so message any time. Its tough emotionally and sounds like an ongoing grief for you. There's charities put there who specialise in post termination emotional support no matter how long after. I would give arch or stillwater a try. Both provide counselling and have been life saving. You deserve happiness and some support to help you manage the complex grief x

Sorry for the typos ! If you need the charity details just let me know and i can send them

Sending you lots of love here if you need to speak z

This is a post for any ladies going through what we all have and the process of it all, there’s a few ladies on this post who has helped me immensely through it l, saskia we did it at the same time and have been speaking to each other on private messages ever since and I will forever be grateful for her ❤️ on my worse days she was there for me and understood what I was going through xxx so if your reading this message is we will write back and try and help and support other ladies that need it xx