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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

DH not checked on me once TW abortion

71 replies

Guiltymumofthree · 24/02/2023 00:49

Apologies that this isn’t in the correct topic however I’m extremely upset and just need a handhold.

Currently going through the process of a termination. I waited for DH to be on the way back from work until I took the pills so I could have some support.

Ive been teary all day as I knew today was the day.since he’s been back from work he’s sat downstairs all night and not checked on me once.

This is the man I’m marrried to and have 3 children with. I’m at the lowest point in my life and he’s sat downstairs watching tv.

I feel like I’ve just lost a family member my heart is broken and I have no one.

Im not going to beg him to console me but how can the man that is supposed to love me not even give me a hug or see if I’m ok.

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 24/02/2023 01:00

Oh op-sending you lots of love! You may want to get this moved to "pregnancy choices" just because AIBU can be a vipers nest.

Firstly I'm sending you lots of love! I've been there too and my DH went off to work leaving me with one year old ds and the school run.

I genuinely don't think he even thought how it would affect me mentally or how painful and uncomfortable it would be physically. I spoke to him and he was a bit better afterwards. It still massively affects me now and he says he feels "sad" but he doesn't remember the dates like I do.

Hopefully after a chat he'll be better op, you deserve love and kindness at this time. Please make sure you are kind to yourself.

Nimbostratus100 · 24/02/2023 01:02

sending you lots of love xx

SheilaWilcox · 24/02/2023 01:18

Not surprised you feel hurt and teary. Unmumsnetty hug.

I don't think men mean to be so thoughtless, some just have no sodding idea how things affect us. "It's just popping a couple of pills like you would for a headache."

I hope you get through this as well as possible.

Fedupandsad · 24/02/2023 01:27

I want to say - what a lazy and selfish prick .

Any chance he is actually in denial/ can’t deal with the situation so tuning out ? Which is completely not supportive … but maybe his way of dealing ?

What has he been like lately ? are you happy.

Huge hugs OP xxxxx

sweeneytoddsrazor · 24/02/2023 01:33

Have you told him how you feel? Not saying you should have to but if it was something you both discussed and agreed on he may well think you are fine with it. He could be struggling with his own feelings maybe. Or he could be an uncaring git.

Sending you best wishes and a virtual handhold OP

LaughingCat · 24/02/2023 02:07

Sending you all the support and hugs, OP. That’s rubbish of him. Hope you went downstairs and gave him no choice but to hug you and comfort you.

No-one should have to do that alone.

MintJulia · 24/02/2023 02:25

Because he's a coward
Because he knows he is responsible
Because he's feeling guilty and can't face you
Because he's hoping you'll deal with it
Because he wants to pretend it never happened
Because if he isn't there he won't have to deal with the emotional fall out

Because he's a spineless selfish git who thinks only of himself

I'm so sorry. Sending hugs. Be kind to yourself. Don't let him underplay how hard this is. Find some support in real life.

And make him understand, he let you down.

Mariposista · 24/02/2023 02:27

Poor poor you. What a selfish arsehole. We are here with you.

KoalatyStreet · 24/02/2023 02:55

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treetop122 · 24/02/2023 03:23

I'm so sorry you are going through this

It can be such a lonely experience.

I had a similar experience last year and DH was the same really. He had no clue that it would be upsetting for me. Now a year or so on, he seems surprised when I remind him of dates or things I found difficult at the time. It just didn't register that the experience broke my heart.

Still pretty shit though!
Don't suffer alone, please tell him you are hurting and need his support. This is partly his process too and he should be present and available to support you.

Sending hugs xx

StarsSand · 24/02/2023 03:35

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Tell him you need and expect his support.

Being let down like this is something that you will remember and resent for years to come. Spell out for him that you expect attention and support right now, and hope he will pull his head out of his arse and do the right thing.

Dustyblue · 24/02/2023 04:40

Oh Sweetheart, I'm sorry you're dealing with this at all. Let alone unsupported.

Is your DH generally this careless with your feelings? Or is this unusual?

I had a 12wk miscarriage (different, I know) at home. But I actually wanted to be alone. It was almost a primal thing, that I wanted to let my body do what it needed to do with no one around. DH respected that.

Any possibility at all he's thinking along those lines? Even so, he should still be checking on you. It's a medical event after all, he should want to know you're ok.

Massive hugs, you'll get through this XX

Chickenkeev · 24/02/2023 04:47

Your husband is a dope and you should let him know when you feel able to. In the meantime, handhold 😥

Zanatdy · 24/02/2023 04:52

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Yes but isn’t the one taking the pills and physically going through it. If it was him would his wife be sitting in another part of the house oblivious? Doubtful.

sending you a hug OP, it’s so tough. Let him know you need his support

redbigbananafeet · 24/02/2023 04:56

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No one is loosing a child.

redbigbananafeet · 24/02/2023 04:56

*losing

rwalker · 24/02/2023 05:02

Doesn’t make it any better but I don’t think a man can every get the gravity of the process and situation

Marzipangirl3 · 24/02/2023 05:10

Sorry to hear he’s being like this OP. He really should be with you as this isn’t just your situation to deal with. It’s not fair that you go through this alone, emotionally or physically. He should want to support you, you shouldn’t need to ask. From experience of the tablets at home, he should be with you anyway as some people (myself included) do not react well to them and could need medical assistance. I always think that how your spouse treats you in times of need says the most about their character.

Take care of yourself in the next few days and take each day as it comes.

wildseas · 24/02/2023 05:14

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, being alone must make it much harder.

If you haven’t already planned it please have a duvet day to yourself. Tell husband that you can’t manage kids, school run, making tea etc and leave him to deal with those - he’ll have to call in sick if he’s meant to be working.

Have you got a close family member or a friend who you could tell that you’re going through this? Might your best friend come over with wine, chocolate and hugs?

StarsSand · 24/02/2023 05:20

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It's a pregnancy not a child.

And it isn't physically happening to him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/02/2023 05:35

Yes, he should be there for you. Big hugs xxx

Bloopsie · 24/02/2023 05:50

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Sparklfairy · 24/02/2023 05:59

rwalker · 24/02/2023 05:02

Doesn’t make it any better but I don’t think a man can every get the gravity of the process and situation

Why? I'm a woman and I've never had a termination, so by your thinking I would happily sit downstairs too? Because I can't get ìt?

No, because I know enough about the physical and mental effect they have that I couldn't do that.

Too many men have an empathy bypass and take zero interest in anything that doesn't affect them directly. "I can't feel it/I'm not upset, ergo not my problem". They cant even be bothered to research the process, why would they waste their time when it doesn't affect them?

I'm also curious to know if he's one of those that gets man flu instead of a cold and takes to his bed at the first sign of illness leaving OP with with other kids.

WombsofWimbledon · 24/02/2023 06:00

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Better than the person you are being here, which is the lowest possible denominator.

Dinkleberg · 24/02/2023 06:06

@Bloopsie it's not a child. And your comment is utterly cruel and unwarranted. Imagine sticking the knife in when OP is already upset and vulnerable. Vile. DFOD.