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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

What would you do? Abortion or continue?

60 replies

Starlin · 11/09/2022 16:16

I'll preface this by saying that I've been in counselling and am struggling and would appreciate some advice. Also namechange as i don't want this Associated with my other posts.

I have 2DC with ExH and we get on really well. It's been a massive upheaval but we're doing well.

I've been seeing a guy for 7-8 months and its been a "bumpy" road. I've had massive fertility issues and was on the list for the coil so we were using protection but surprise surprise, I'm pregnant.

Before i found out, we split up a few days before as there were quite a few red flags that i couldn't ignore anymore (e.g. jealousy, lashing out emotionally). In shock, i told him about him the pregnancy and he was so happy. Literally ecstatic.

As I'm going through my options and I've been to the counselling and it's really tough as I'd love another baby but i don't think I'd be able to co-parent effectively with this guy. We've had a discussion about options and he said: if you have the baby, I'll be a PITA and want to be involved as much as i can and I'd fight you for everything to get that access.

In one view, this is great. He wants to be involved but on the other, i fear he'd use this to manipulate me /continue to impact my life forever as he'd always have the ability to comment /input on my life and choices.

What would you do?

Please be gentle as this is perhaps one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 11/09/2022 16:21

Realistically you need to consider the impact that this baby and everything that is attached to it eg the father will have on the lives of yourself and your two existing children.

You say you'd love another child but that opportunity may come once you are in a safe secure loving relationship with someone who isn't a flaky arsehole.

Can you financially afford to be a single mum to three children;you won't receive any additional benefits to help you raise this baby as you already have two DC and you don't have a partner to help support you financially.

GiantCheeseMonster · 11/09/2022 16:26

As you’re not married, he doesn’t have automatic PR - he would get this if you named him as the father on the birth certificate. If you don’t, he would not have any parental rights. I don’t know if he can force you legally to name him on the birth certificate so you would need to take legal advice, but if you want to have the baby but not have him involved that might be one way of doing it.

hattie43 · 11/09/2022 16:40

As hard as it is I wouldn't bring a child into the world to a chaotic father . Parenting is hard and if it's rocky now I can't see it getting better. You'd essentially be a single parent .

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/09/2022 16:46

You know that this isn't a good man, you've seen the red flags and you've acted on them - well done. Now you have to keep acting on them.

I would never 'tell' another woman to do anything with her body but you need to be completely objective about this.

He is a bad man and a bad partner. He will undoubtedly be a bad father. You will be tying yourself to him for the next 18 years. Or worse, you will spend the next 18 years wondering if he's ever going to show up for his child.

You need to think very carefully about what outcome you're prepared to accept and what the worst case scenario could be. If you're in counselling then that's great - you need some help with this.

It's a horrible decision to make and a horrible position to be in, I know. Massive hugs to you.

Original poster
Starlin · 11/09/2022 17:02

Thank you everyone. To answer a few questions:

  • i could afford it but it'd be hard going and I'd need to reduce down some luxuries
  • he's told me that he wants to be involved "as much as possible" and would go to court (if needed) to get access. His father wasn't around so he wants to give this child as much love /everything that he didn't have as a child.
  • i know I'd be a single parent and I'd feel better about that than having to worry about him /his involvement for the rest of the child's life. I realise that's an awful thing to say but that's my concern.

When we were together, there was serious love bombing involved and i really thought we were good /ok but with the rose tinted glasses off... I'm a lot more cautious

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 11/09/2022 18:05

Ignore what he's telling you and look at how he's been behaving around you would be my biggest piece of advice. Talk is cheap.

Bonheurdupasse · 11/09/2022 18:20

Based on what you said about him , abortion.

Mummyboy1 · 11/09/2022 18:54

I can't imagine having an abortion however I also can't imagine having a child and being stuck with a man like that. I'm sorry, I don't think you've got an easy choice to make either way.

earlybaby · 11/09/2022 19:25

Abortion. This guy would be a nightmare to be shackled to for the next 18 years.

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 11/09/2022 19:30

Whatever is best for you and your baby OP. Good luck. Do you have to tell him if you decide to keep the baby, I might keep that from him.

Always4Brenner · 11/09/2022 19:32

Sorry I’d be getting rid unstable father/boyfriend not a good start, are you financially secure do you want a burden for 18 years minimum. Hugs.

LifeIsHardAlways · 11/09/2022 19:40

I’m not big on abortion but from what you’ve said I think it’s a no brainer. Protect yourself and your existing children and keep this guy out of your lives.

vennomm · 11/09/2022 19:45

Hey love I hope you're hanging in there as best you can,
Based on what you're saying I'd definitely opt for abortion. It'd be miserable trying to raise a baby with somebody you can't stand and who is willing to put you through all of this. Whatever is best for you will always be the right decision.

DariaMorgendorffer · 11/09/2022 19:50

Sorry you're going through this op.

In this situation I would terminate the pregnancy, 100% as I'd be thinking about the impact on both me and dc. No question. However, that's me. It's important that you do what's right for you, and don't be too swayed by answers on here if they don't feel right.

Gingerkittykat · 11/09/2022 19:58

I wouldn't want to be tied to a man with massive red flags for the next 18 years. He has the potential to make your life hell and use the child to manipulate you.

hewouldwouldnthe · 11/09/2022 19:58

You've seen the red flags, heed them! Of course he was overjoyed at the pregnancy, because he's got a hold over you. Keep this embryo and you will have 18 plus years of a jealous, controlling man and having to deal with him, have your children suffer the fallout and a new baby treated like a chess pawn. You've only to read posts by women trapped by babies with feckless, controlling and even violent men.

KosherDill · 11/09/2022 19:58

I would terminate, no question. No way would I tie myself and my kids for life to a man I barely knew. Less than a year is nothing.

You have to prioritize your existing kids. They've already been through a lot. Having their mum turn up pregnant by her boyfriend in an already "bumpy" relationship at this stage would be scarring. Not to mention - what resources would it take away from them in terms of your time, money, energy, etc.

whiteroseredrose · 11/09/2022 19:58

Honestly, I would (and did) terminate. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life tied to a pratt.

At the time I didn't have DC. I really wanted them, but not with him.

In your situation all the more so as you have the impact on your other DC to consider.

hewouldwouldnthe · 11/09/2022 19:58

Have an abortion and tell him it was a miscarriage

Rosewaterblossom · 11/09/2022 19:59

Op I've been in this position, had 2 dc from ex dh whom I was co-parenting well with, then accidentally got pregnant by my then abusive boyfriend.

I aborted because there was just no way I would have wanted to be tied to him for the rest of my life. At worst he would have been there as a shit dad (like he was to his other dc), at best he would have disappeared leaving me to raise his kid alone.

That relationship ended and I'm so happy I never have to see, speak to or deal with him ever again!

Op it's your life, your body and your decision. If you choose to abort do not feel guilty for choosing a life that doesn't give this prick any power over you.

Nat6999 · 11/09/2022 19:59

100% terminate, you don't want to be landed with him for 18 years. Quite frankly I wouldn't have told him I was pregnant either.

Frenchfancy · 11/09/2022 20:01

I would terminate for the sake of your DC.

Dadaya · 11/09/2022 20:04

I would choose not to have a child with a man who is unstable and has issues with jealousy and lashing out etc. Remember that firstly this man will be your child’s father - is he really a suitable parent for your child to spend time alone with if he’s manipulative and lashes out? Secondly he’ll be in your life and that’ll impact on your existing kids, who will inevitable have contact with this toxic man. Honestly I would choose not to inflict him on myself or my kids, and just have an abortion then cut contact with him forever.

Original poster
Starlin · 11/09/2022 20:11

Thank you everyone. It's pretty clear from your points what I should do. You're all completely right and this is something that i definitely needed to hear as I've been wondering if I'm being stupid or second guessing myself "oh, it's not that bad", "oh, he apologised and said it was a reaction rather than a reply", "I've made mistakes too".

OP posts:
HappyPumpkin81 · 11/09/2022 20:18

I absolutely support your right to have an abortion. However, another thing to consider would be having the baby, giving up your parental rights and allowing him to raise it as a single dad.