I want to become a mum

[200546529]

I have never thought about having children and a family yet because I just didn't think I would find someone that makes me feel that way, and I have a 14.1 BMI so I have struggled with fertility anyway. I haven't had periods for over a year so I didn't think it was something that I would be able to have anytime soon while my body is quite unhealthy.

But I went to the hospital for unrelated reasons and found out I'm 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my ex partners baby. No symptoms at all, if I hadn't have gone I wouldn't have known until it was too late to do anything about it. I don't want to be linked to him forever because he is horrible, but it breaks my heart to abort a baby with a heartbeat. It is already a little human 😢

My question is.. Due to the circumstances do you think its wrong for me to go ahead with a termination? There is always the future to have another one. Just feels horribly selfish to the baby that's already in my tummy. Please help :(

Additional info, I'm 20 years old with a great family support network. I think I could do it, I just don't think I should. I don't want a lifetime of hell from a man who emotionally abused me from start to finish. He already has another young child he has nothing to do with. I don't want to be a single mum.

OP, it isn’t a baby. It’s a tiny cluster of cells that might eventually become a baby. Of course it’s not wrong a terminate an unplanned pregnancy fathered by an abusive man. You’re very young — you will have other opportunities to be a mother. Best wishes.

And now that you know you’re not I fertile, be very careful with contraception in future.

Sorry to hear of your situation. There's no right or wrong answer. Go with what feels best for you.

Why is your bmi so low? Is it a medical condition or mental health issue? Being pregnant can be triggering if you have an eating disorder due to the changes your body inevitably goes through, however I've known some people claim it cured their disorder because their pregnancy gave them motivation to eat healthily. But keep in mind it can go the other way. If it's a medical condition, what is the recommendation of your doctors? It's important to consider your own health. Health aside, if you have supportive family and you want to keep your baby, that's 100% your right, the same as it's 100% up to you not have a baby.

You have decades to be a mum. Decades when you can have a lovely partner, good health and a career behind you. The will make motherhood far easier for you, and give your eventual child a better life.

I wouldn’t have this baby if I were you.

You don’t have to have good reasons to have a baby. Just not wanting one right now is a good enough reason. However the fact your ex is abusive and you are underweight, unwell and don’t feel in the right place to become a parent are strong reasons too. And you’re so young. You have years left to have babies.

I’m not advising you to terminate. Only you can decide what happens next. But if that’s your decision, please don’t feel bad about it.

Thank you for your reply. It has made me feel better, I just don't want to do something I'll regret for the rest of my life, either way, so thought I'd come here for some advice. I told the sonographer at the hospital I didn't want to see at all, because I planned to terminate anyway. But she said "are you sure? The baby has a heartbeat" which made me feel bad/guilty and like it wasnt normal to not want to see or not want to go ahead with the pregnancy.
I just keep telling myself the same thing. I have a lot of time to think about a baby it doesn't have to be now

Thank you xxx

In the first week after conception it is ‘just a tiny cluster of cells’ called a blastocyst which then implants

by 7-8 weeks it is a recognisable fetus. About 1-1.5 cm in size

im pro choice but people need the facts here. What damage will this do to OP of for example she decides on medical abortion and passes what will obviously be a fetus.

pro choice but armed with the facts

Like others have said, there's no right or wrong answer. If you don't want this man's baby, you don't have to go ahead with this pregnancy. Also, why did you sleep with a man who is abusing you emotionally. Did you consent? Did he coerce you?

You are still very young and have your whole adult life ahead of you to meet a person who will love you unconditionally, treat you with the respect you deserve AND be a wonderful, attentive father (I promise you they DO exist) when the time is right.

If you want to continue with this pregnancy and are absolutely confident you can raise a child alone, then that's your right and your choice. Equally, if you decide it's not the right time or you don't want ties to this man for life, then it's absolutely fine for you not to continue this pregnancy.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

I don't know, it's not an eating disorder but I'm seeing a dietician. Eating disorder clinic wouldnt keep me under their care as they don't think my weight is due to an eating disorder. 2 years ago I was 9 and a half stone and its just dropped off me! The doctor I have spoken to won't sway my decision either way, just says its my choice. Baby is healthy. I have my own home and support, but I don't want this child because it's his. I just didnt know if that was massively morally wrong. I feel so confused

That was really irresponsible of the sonographer imo, it's none of her business whether you terminate the pregnancy or not. For what it's worth, I'd terminate in your situation. I had my first baby at 34 - you have so much time ahead of you to become a parent (if you want to) in a much better situation.

That news must have come as quite a shock OP. Take some time to think it over. Entirely your choice. You have options. But if your concerns and decision is mainly centred to being linked to this man. This may not be a valid concern, as you say he has nothing to do with the other child he fathered. The baby will be yours, and a be a completely separate individual. Unless you are married the baby will have your legal surname. I can understand your concerns about becoming a single mum. Do what’s right for you. You are very young, pleased that you have a supportive family network that will support you whatever you decide. Good luck going forward

I just needed reassurance that I wasn't a terrible human being for doing what's right for me first. Thanks so much for your comment I really appreciate your opinion. There is nothing making me want to keep it other than i dont want to feel like I've done something horrible

Please don’t let guilt away your decision you can do whatever you want and what is best for you.

of you think you will struggle with the realities of it you may want to consider a surgical procedure over medical but if you have medical just be prepared as at the stage you are you may see it and I don’t want you to be shocked. If you know what to expect though it’s easier to process x

*sway not away

It’s not morally wrong.

I am sure you can give a baby a good life. However, being tied will definitely, hugely, negatively impact you and the baby.

Even when the baby is an adult. Having a baby with him will give him all sorts of access to keep abusing you.

You need to choose what’s best for you. But I think you should spend some time trading threads here from women whose exes are abusing them via their kids, who are getting dragged to court all the time by their ex.

It will give you some insight into what it could be like if you decide to keep the baby.

I didn't know it would come out like this... I'm so scared I've been crying all weekend I just don't know what to do I really really don't want it but you are right that will scar me for life. I feel sick thinking about it

If you want to go ahead does the ex have to know?

I'm sorry about your situation, I hope you find the right answer for you

You can request a surgical procedure instead and you will not see anything but if you choose the tablets it’s better to be aware what you might see so you are prepared or you know just to not look xx

Hey

Your 20 and that's very young. My opinion regarding abortion is neutral I don't judge.

I understand that you want to have the whole "picture perfect" family e.g dad, mom, kid probably marriage. I was like that too. Now I got here but getting pregnant wasn't as straightforward as it would have been if I were 20.

Do whatever you think it's best... sometimes you have to ask yourself if you can really support a raising a child and you sound like you have a wider family that can support you through it but I completely understand you want to have a partner on your side... it's difficult don't rush anything

If guilt is the only reason for you to continue your pregnancy, you know the answer. Guilt is misplaced in this situation. You are answerable only to yourself and there is no shame is making the right choice for you and your body, nor will a 7 week old embryo (not fetus) have any sense of consciousness or pain.

I would advise terminate or else you will have a lifetime of abuse at the hands of the 'father'

It absolutely would NOT make you a terrible human being!

Only you can make this decision based on what you feel is best. Yes, if you have a termination you'll 'live with' your decision but it doesn't mean you'll forever be tortured by your choice. You can have counselling before a termination to properly explore if it's what you feel is best. If you go ahead with a termination, you can also have counselling after to help you deal with any emotions which may arise from it (they might not arise at all - you may even feel relief that it's over and you can move on with your life).

It's about least worst scenario. If you have a baby, they are a lifelong commitment. Sure, being a parent can be a truly wonderful experience and is for the vast majority of people. That said, it is also relentless and exhausting, not to mention hugely expensive!

How would going ahead with this pregnancy impact on the potential future child? They'd grow up without their father (you may well meet a loving man in the future who may raise them as their own) but how might that impact a child long-term?

Also, I worry about your health. Your BMI is extremely low and you say you don't have an eating disorder. I am listening to you, but there may be a physical cause for your weight to be so low which needs addressing. Low weight in a mother can lead to devastating consequences for unborn babies.

You have time to work all this out and nobody should put pressure on you either way. Ideally, however, you may find it emotionally easier to go ahead with a termination sooner rather than later, IF that's what you decide to do.

Whatever you decide is best for you AND any future child you may have, do it without guilt.

I honestly think you should disregard 'advice' such as this. A 7 week old embryo will NOT look anything like a small human baby. IF you happen to see it, it'll likely look like a very small lump of flesh which will be unidentifiable.

You are not going to 'pass a baby'. This early on there won't be any conscious brain activity - far too small and underdeveloped!

@200546529 you could have a surgical abortion, then you wouldn't "pass" or see anything.