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Pregnancy choices

I am 20 and pregnant and not sure what to do

64 replies

Hannah378 · 23/12/2021 22:55

Hey, today I found out I am pregnant. Not sure what I should do at all. I am 20 and in my final year at uni atm. I feel awful at the thought of getting an abortion and really scared and sick at the thought of what will happen to my baby and part of me wants to have this child but I know I am too young and it's not practical as I have no job and no money and am still a student. My bf got really angry at me when I told him and got mad at me for screwing up birth control but I don't think I did anything wrong. He told me that I had to get an abortion and that I was stupid to be thinking about not getting one. He is 26 and has a decent job but he says he doesn't want anything to do with us if I have the baby and doesn't want his name on the birth certificate and says he give me any support and won't have to as his name is not on the birth certificate.He was quite mean to me and I didn't like the way he was talking to me but I think it was just the shock of it all and hopefully he will be a lot more constructive and less angry next time I talk to him. He is a really great guy and I really do see a future with him and I know he could be a great dad. I haven't told my parents yet as I don't want to have to talk about this over Christmas and potentially ruin Christmas for them and I am going to wait till boxing Day to do that. I just have no idea cause I know if I keep this baby I will have no job and money and probably single potentially for a long time and I know he/she is going to take over my entire life and I will have zero social life or career prospects and I have no clue what to do or what my life will be like. I know everyone will judge me for being so young and a mum and I am scared about that and I don't know what to do or think but I know I feel so sick at the thought of an abortion. Not sure what to do please give me advice sorry I am a mess

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WhoAre · 23/12/2021 23:04

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Hannah378 · 23/12/2021 23:10

@WhoAre

Firstly, dump your boyfriend, he sounds horrible. It takes two to tango.

Do you have a good support network around you? Family/friends?

He was horrible to me today but it was such a big shock and I feel I need to cut him some slack as he was scared too. He is not usually horrible he is a really great guy and I love him so much.
I think so although I thought my bf would support me up till today and I was wrong. I haven't told anyone else yet
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NetflixAndSauvignonBlanc · 23/12/2021 23:13

Hi Hannah,
Wow what a shock you have had and you clearly have so many thoughts going through your head right now. Please know that you will be ok, no matter what choice you make.
Marie Stopes has a helpline you can call and website with a lot of good information about what the options are for someone in your situation (including keeping the baby, adoption or terminating the pregnancy). I've put the link below.
If you feel able to tell someone you trust about what's happened (a close friend or relative perhaps) I would really recommend it, so you don't have feel so alone with your news.
Remember though, at the end of the day it's your body and your decision. Nobody can make you keep the baby and nobody can make you not keep the baby. Nobody's opinion matters but yours. You will come to a decision and you can get through this and find a happy future whatever path you choose. Good luck.

www.msichoices.org.uk/abortion-services/what-are-my-pregnancy-options/

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StickyStickyStickStickSong · 23/12/2021 23:20

I suppose I am bias being a new mum myself. But if I was in your shoes I would ask myself - What decision would you regret more? Aborting your baby or putting your life on hold for a few years to raise a child, but also considering even if that means doing it as a single mum? Obviously if it was me I'd have chosen the baby, but like I said I am a new mum so I am bias with my opinion I suppose. I also have an amazing mum who I know would help hugely if I were in your situation.

I'm not sure how uni's work as I don't have a degree myself but would they be able to support you/allow you to pick up where you left after a year once you've had the baby maybe? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also, yes you would be taking a break from studies and even building a career and yes you would have to make sacrifices and your social life (more so as in partying etc) would take a break. But after LO would be in full time education in 4 years you could pick back up with studies/building a career etc.. and you'd still only be 24 so still young enough to do all of this.

It's your decision ultimately there's a lot for you to think about.

Good luck with whatever your decision xx

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LowlyTheWorm · 23/12/2021 23:26

Your partner is wrong. If he isn’t on the birth certificate (and he needs to be with you to register as the dad so you can’t just state it on your own) he can and will still owe you money (10% of his wages) for the baby. And if he wants to not pay he needs to prove via a DNA test that it’s not his baby.
So that’s one way in which you’d have some money. And your life would not need two be over without a career etc. It would be hard but not impossible.
Take some time to think about all the options- and remember that there is significant financial support available for situations such as yours. Don’t believe all the horror stories.
When I fell pregnant age 18 I knew I would have the baby- and I didn’t ever regret him.

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Houseplantmad · 23/12/2021 23:29

It would be difficult but would be doable and it is ultimately your choice. Your boyfriend may have had a shock but he sounds very immature to be blaming you and reacting so badly when it wouldn't have happened without him. Did he ask you what you might want?

You're right to not tell family until you've had time to think things through. Make sure he doesn't tell his so you don't get even more pressure piled on.

I hope you come to a decision that you are happy with.

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jeannie46 · 23/12/2021 23:30

It won't be easy but doable if you want to continue with the pregnancy. I guess Finals will be May/June next year so baby will arrive just after?
A family friend had her daughter in the middle of her Medic's Finals. Took some of her exams in hospital. Still passed first in year and has had a great career. Lots of women have babies while holding down jobs/ studying. I did twice myself.

You just have to decide whether you do or don't want to continue with this pregnancy and with this man? (He doesn't sound like a keeper to me). A man who treats you badly when things don't go smoothly is not the one for you. The test of a person is how they react in a crisis. He will repeatedly let you down and be nasty with it. He has shown you what he is like. Believe him. He is not the man you imagine/want him to be.

Write list of the things he does you love and then a list of the things he has done which you dislike. Do you love the 'imagined' man not the real one?

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Scubalubs87 · 23/12/2021 23:31

Hannah, you've had quite the day! You must be in shock.

I had an unexpected pregnancy at 25 - so in a slightly better place financially than you as I was working, but not where I had envisioned being starting a family. Ultimately, I decided to terminate and it was the right decision for me at that time. For me, in the long term, it wasn't traumatising but event I was able to move on from. I sometimes think about what might have been, but not with any real sadness. I've gone on to start my family in my early 30s when I was financially and emotionally ready to do so.
That being said, it wasn't an easy decision. I agonised over what to do and it have gone either way. It was a very real sliding doors moment in my life. I completely understand how torn you're feeling; it's so hard to know what is best thing to do moving forward not helped when you're swirling full of hormones.
Is there anyone you can speak to? I had 2 friends I was able to confide in and being able to talk to someone your trust will help to lighten the weight you're carrying.

Your boyfriend's reaction wasn't ok. Yes, he may be shocked but that doesn't give him the right to speak to you like that. It was selfish and unkind.

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Hannah378 · 23/12/2021 23:34

[quote NetflixAndSauvignonBlanc]Hi Hannah,
Wow what a shock you have had and you clearly have so many thoughts going through your head right now. Please know that you will be ok, no matter what choice you make.
Marie Stopes has a helpline you can call and website with a lot of good information about what the options are for someone in your situation (including keeping the baby, adoption or terminating the pregnancy). I've put the link below.
If you feel able to tell someone you trust about what's happened (a close friend or relative perhaps) I would really recommend it, so you don't have feel so alone with your news.
Remember though, at the end of the day it's your body and your decision. Nobody can make you keep the baby and nobody can make you not keep the baby. Nobody's opinion matters but yours. You will come to a decision and you can get through this and find a happy future whatever path you choose. Good luck.

www.msichoices.org.uk/abortion-services/what-are-my-pregnancy-options/[/quote]
Thanks, yes I don't know what to think I am so confused. Thank you so much I will contact them. I feel a bit embarrassed by it all and scared to tell people. And also I don't want them to be worrying about me over Christmas. I think I want to wait till boxing day but this may be me just procrastinating it as I don't want to. I don't know what I want at all

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Cherryblossoms85 · 23/12/2021 23:34

Your boyfriend has shown his true colours there. Believe him. Whatever you decide, make sure he is not in your life. He doesn't get to dictate terms when he's made fuck all effort at ensuring contraception. If you want the baby, keep it. I assume you are on good terms with your parents?

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MrsTerryPratchett · 23/12/2021 23:37

At 26 your boyfriend should know much better. And his reaction was very very bad. Don't base any decision on having him in your life long term.

Do you actually want a child? I mean if you had a time machine and could go back and change it without an abortion so you just weren't pregnant, would you? Because if you would, you don't want a child and abortion is probably the right choice. A whole new human being deserves being a choice.

But if you're glad, and wouldn't change things, get very good advice from uni, benefits, CAB etc. find out what you can do and when.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 23/12/2021 23:44

Sorry you are in this situation OP, it’s grim - but it happens to a lot of people

  • you must be realistic and assume you will be raising the child alone. Your boyfriend had quite an extreme reaction (aka being a dickhead), it does sound like fatherhood is not something he’s up for.


  • I would be wary of making a family announcement on Boxing Day. I know you aren’t sure what to do and want advice, but everyone will have an opinion which will be more confusing not less. Obviously you might want to talk to your mum or best friend, but I’d leave it at that.


  • talk to a professional organisation as soon as you can, they are best placed to help you organise your thoughts and decide what’s best for you.


  • do be clear eyed about it. It’s not easy to raise a child alone, you are very young, and it will mean giving up a lot.


  • whatever you decide is fine. There will be many people in your exact situation right now.
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Hannah378 · 23/12/2021 23:47

@StickyStickyStickStickSong

I suppose I am bias being a new mum myself. But if I was in your shoes I would ask myself - What decision would you regret more? Aborting your baby or putting your life on hold for a few years to raise a child, but also considering even if that means doing it as a single mum? Obviously if it was me I'd have chosen the baby, but like I said I am a new mum so I am bias with my opinion I suppose. I also have an amazing mum who I know would help hugely if I were in your situation.

I'm not sure how uni's work as I don't have a degree myself but would they be able to support you/allow you to pick up where you left after a year once you've had the baby maybe? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also, yes you would be taking a break from studies and even building a career and yes you would have to make sacrifices and your social life (more so as in partying etc) would take a break. But after LO would be in full time education in 4 years you could pick back up with studies/building a career etc.. and you'd still only be 24 so still young enough to do all of this.

It's your decision ultimately there's a lot for you to think about.

Good luck with whatever your decision xx

I think I would be more likely to regret an abortion as I know that it would be hard to regret someone who you love and your own baby. But if I were to regret having a baby that would be just really awful and more awful than regretting an abortion that poor baby would have parents who didn't want him/her and that would be so awful. I don't know I would have the baby after my finals but I don't know if it is practical doing important exams while pregnant but it would be good to get them done if I could. I am also worried about how I would cope financially in those early years as I imagine babies are expensive and I don't know if that is practical. My parents would help but I am not sure how much and they are not poor but not rich either. I don't know if I'd be able to properly get enough money for us and I'd probably have to live with my parents for another 5 years and I don't really want that tbh but I don't think they'd want a baby living there full time either. I am scared no one will want to talk to me anymore if I am so young with a baby I mean it just doesn't seem normal to have a baby at 21
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Trinxsy · 23/12/2021 23:56

Hi OP.

I'm 21 and expecting surprise twins.
I already have a son who I fell pregnant with at 18 whilst I was still at sixth form. Thankfully I was in my final year but I finished sixth form when I was 7 months pregnant and a couple days later, I gave birth 10 weeks early.

I, too, considered an abortion with my son but I would have regretted that decision every day of my life so I chose not to.
I'm not going to lie, it was hard but I wouldn't change it for the world.
My partner works full time and we are very lucky not to struggle for anything but there were times in the beginning I thought, oh my gosh, what have I done?!

Your University will have some support in place for you whilst pregnant and if you decide to put University on pause for now, that's okay too.

You will get support from student finance if you decide to put it on pause and then go back.
You will also be eligible for universal credit.

Only you can make this decision.

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Hannah378 · 23/12/2021 23:56

@LowlyTheWorm

Your partner is wrong. If he isn’t on the birth certificate (and he needs to be with you to register as the dad so you can’t just state it on your own) he can and will still owe you money (10% of his wages) for the baby. And if he wants to not pay he needs to prove via a DNA test that it’s not his baby.
So that’s one way in which you’d have some money. And your life would not need two be over without a career etc. It would be hard but not impossible.
Take some time to think about all the options- and remember that there is significant financial support available for situations such as yours. Don’t believe all the horror stories.
When I fell pregnant age 18 I knew I would have the baby- and I didn’t ever regret him.

That's reassuring ig thanks. He seemed quite sure about what he was saying and it seemed right so I believed him. He has a good job for his age and that would definitely help a lot. What other places did you get money from then? Ig if I do go ahead then I will want to make a plan to see if it is practical first. It's very helpful and good to hear that it can be done and you can be happy if I were to make that choice thanks.
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Hannah378 · 24/12/2021 00:02

@Houseplantmad

It would be difficult but would be doable and it is ultimately your choice. Your boyfriend may have had a shock but he sounds very immature to be blaming you and reacting so badly when it wouldn't have happened without him. Did he ask you what you might want?

You're right to not tell family until you've had time to think things through. Make sure he doesn't tell his so you don't get even more pressure piled on.

I hope you come to a decision that you are happy with.

Thanks! Yeah he reacted really badly and I feel let down by him and hurt. No he basically said that I should get an abortion and if I didn't then he didn't want to be a part of our lives. Hopefully he apologizes in the next few days and we can have a more constructive and reasonable conversation then. I feel like I do want to tell them as I know that would help me make a decision as I don't know to what extent theyd help me
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larkstar · 24/12/2021 00:05

What an utter *** - don’t apologise for him. He is definitely not relationship material. You’re 20 and it’s a big shock as it’s not what you planned but talk to anyone a good few years older than you and you soon realise everyone’s lives have some unexpected events thrown in that affect the course of your life - someone is diagnosed with a life threatening illness or has an accident, you lose your job, your partner is having an affair - all kinds of important things happen that are completely out of your control and this is where you need a good partner or a good friend or good parents - work out who this people are in your life and go and find them. Firstly don’t panic and don’t be too hard on yourself - they are plenty of ways forward. I’d probably trust your parents - I know if my daughter didn’t tell me as soon as she could and had suffered by trying to keep it quiet I would feel terrible - I would rather know. Don’t you think they would support you exactly at the time you need them to?

I agree with @NetflixAndSauvignonBlanc - your body, your choice.
I agree with @StickyStickyStickStickSong - this is not the end of your chance with higher education or a career. My daughter had to drop out of the 3rd year of her medical degree because she was mentally very unwell (anorexia nerviosa) - she was in hospital full time for 6 months. She did eventually return to her studies, difficult, as she was still quite unwell but she passed and has been working as a front line doctor is a big city hospital for 4 years and is enjoying life, work and relationship.

I think a university is going to bend over backwards to try and accommodate you and your situation.

If I have a personal angle on this - it’s that, for me, having children turned out to be far more important than the highly paid job I had in engineering - as much as I always wanted to have kids I wasn’t expecting to feel that being a parent would actually mean more to me that achieving more in my field of work (physics). My sister could not have children and frankly, it has had a very sad impact on her life so I will just say that quite understandably you are having a WTF moment over this right now and maybe your life is about to change in ways that you didn’t plan but this is what life is like - not much runs according to plans in my experience and I’d say having children is a wonderful thing - I know you probably won’t be able to see that. However I’m pro-abortion - you need to weigh up your situation - maybe your education and career take a hit for a short while - personally I think you’d be more focused and determined to go back and study with a toddler to support - back in the mid 80’s I remember the young kids in the crèche at my university - they seemed a very happy bunch. FWIW I speak as a dad.

Just don’t panic - this is not the end of the world! You are going to have all kinds of ups and downs in life - this definitely isn’t going to be the worst or the last.

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BobbieT1999 · 24/12/2021 00:09

Oh Hannah, take it from me this is not a man you want to get hitched too if that was in your mind for future plans. As a pp said, he has shown his true colours.

Anyone can be lovely when life is going the way they want it to go. The test of a man, of a partner, is how they react when it doesn't.
Trust me on this. And run for the hills.

He doesn't deserve you.

As for your pregnancy, you have time to decide. BPAS can also advise you, they won't pressure you into any decision and their advisors can be really helpful.

A heads up though, appointments for terminations aren't as freely available as many people think and if you decide you want a consultation you may need to wait for a few weeks. There's no harm in calling earlier than later to find out the lay of the land. One option is to book an appointment and you can easily cancel if you decide to continue with your pregnancy (you can back out at any time).

Yes, there are a lot of practical to consider if you choose to go ahead with your pregnancy, but they are all manageable - especially with support and it sounds like you have a loving family.

Give yourself time for the shock to subside, once it does you'll have a clearer idea about how you feel. The choice is yours and yours alone, it's your body.

Whatever you choose, it will be ok :)

Flowers

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BobbieT1999 · 24/12/2021 00:11

P.s. you don't need to have everything worked out straight away. Most of the time, in life, you just work things out as you go along, so please try not to feel to overwhelmed at the idea of becoming a mum when you didn't expect to.

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motheroflions · 24/12/2021 00:14

I had a baby at 16. It closed so many doors for me and took nearly a decade to get on my feet. She is a fantastic young women now (25) and is very career driven and I am staggered at how beautiful and clever she is. I dont' regret having her at all.

But it was bloody hard OP, you might end up a single mum and you need to prepare for that. Long long lonely nights when your baby is ill with no one in the house to support you. Extortionate child care fees. Juggling work and child pick up. Having to budget really hard to afford xmas and birthday presents and pay the gas, electric, food and rent. Watching your mates go on girls holidays and nights out whilst you are swamped wit dirty nappies and night feeds. Losing touch with friends as they can't be arsed being around babies - however some will stick around.

Men do treat you differently when you have a child. In my experience they take the piss more because you are tied in the house with a child.

Are your parents ready for a new baby in the house full time? What is your relationship like with them?

I would 100% support my dd if she was in this position and she wanted to keep the baby because I know how hard it is. You will need a lot of support emotionally and financially. Nothing hurts more than being pregnant and the dad not wanting to know, believe me. But would I be happy deep down she was taking this path - the honest answer would be no.

I would try and speak to your bf first before opening this can of worms with your parents because if I knew my dd had been treated like this it would colour my view of her bf forever. Give him one more chance to discuss this properly.

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larkstar · 24/12/2021 00:15

Exactly @BobbieT1999 - you can’t work everything out in detail - it’s not the decision you make that’s important - it’s what you do after the decision to make it work out that really matters.

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bluebell34567 · 24/12/2021 00:16

I know everyone will judge me for being so young and a mum and I am scared about that

dont be scared about that. dont even think about it.

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Apringlenamechange · 24/12/2021 00:17

First step is to dump the feckless boyfriend.

Then decide whether you want a baby.

Personally I think you're too young to do this, but of course it's your call.

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bluebell34567 · 24/12/2021 00:18

[quote NetflixAndSauvignonBlanc]Hi Hannah,
Wow what a shock you have had and you clearly have so many thoughts going through your head right now. Please know that you will be ok, no matter what choice you make.
Marie Stopes has a helpline you can call and website with a lot of good information about what the options are for someone in your situation (including keeping the baby, adoption or terminating the pregnancy). I've put the link below.
If you feel able to tell someone you trust about what's happened (a close friend or relative perhaps) I would really recommend it, so you don't have feel so alone with your news.
Remember though, at the end of the day it's your body and your decision. Nobody can make you keep the baby and nobody can make you not keep the baby. Nobody's opinion matters but yours. You will come to a decision and you can get through this and find a happy future whatever path you choose. Good luck.

www.msichoices.org.uk/abortion-services/what-are-my-pregnancy-options/[/quote]
great post.

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wonderstuff · 24/12/2021 00:20

I had my first baby at 28, I’d been trying for 4 years and I felt for a very long time that I’d made a huge mistake, like a few years. She’s 14 now and I wouldn’t be without her, I’ve always loved her very much and have never resented her, but really struggled emotionally and financially after she was born. It’s a terribly difficult position to be in, good luck with whatever you decide.

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