I am 20 and pregnant and not sure what to do

[Hannah378]

Hey, today I found out I am pregnant. Not sure what I should do at all. I am 20 and in my final year at uni atm. I feel awful at the thought of getting an abortion and really scared and sick at the thought of what will happen to my baby and part of me wants to have this child but I know I am too young and it's not practical as I have no job and no money and am still a student. My bf got really angry at me when I told him and got mad at me for screwing up birth control but I don't think I did anything wrong. He told me that I had to get an abortion and that I was stupid to be thinking about not getting one. He is 26 and has a decent job but he says he doesn't want anything to do with us if I have the baby and doesn't want his name on the birth certificate and says he give me any support and won't have to as his name is not on the birth certificate.He was quite mean to me and I didn't like the way he was talking to me but I think it was just the shock of it all and hopefully he will be a lot more constructive and less angry next time I talk to him. He is a really great guy and I really do see a future with him and I know he could be a great dad. I haven't told my parents yet as I don't want to have to talk about this over Christmas and potentially ruin Christmas for them and I am going to wait till boxing Day to do that. I just have no idea cause I know if I keep this baby I will have no job and money and probably single potentially for a long time and I know he/she is going to take over my entire life and I will have zero social life or career prospects and I have no clue what to do or what my life will be like. I know everyone will judge me for being so young and a mum and I am scared about that and I don't know what to do or think but I know I feel so sick at the thought of an abortion. Not sure what to do please give me advice sorry I am a mess

Hi Hannah,
I could've written this myself 5 years ago, although my ex never said the things about not being on the birth certificate ect but he was in shock and not happy. I chose to keep my baby and he's a happy bouncy 4 year old. It is hard work and it will change your life for better or worse but at the end of the day only you can make your decision. As previous posters have said you need to decide whether you'd regret aborting more or putting your life on hold. I'm now on my final year study to be a social worker and my son is thriving, it is difficult but if in your heart of hearts this is what you want you can absolutely do it with the right family support. Whatever you decide though please dump your boyfriend. It is shocking news but no good man would refuse to be on the birth certificate, refuse to pay maintenance and leave you in the dirt if you don't make the decision he wants. Whether you keep the baby or not you deserve SO much better than that my lovely. Its great you feel you can talk to your parents too.

Regarding your ex he can't refuse to pay maintaince, if he refuses to be on the birth certificate you can take him to court for mandatory DNA and he will have to pay maintainable if you put in a claim. He made the baby too and he can't wash his hands of it.

Best of luck, you're clearly a clever woman and I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the best for you

There is no good reason why you couldn't do your finals (assuming the baby is due, and actually arrives, afterwards), take some time with your small baby for 6 months to a year (you'll be entitled to some benefits, and there is lots of help for new mums and young mums out there) and apply for graduate jobs as you would have anyway. When I had a baby in final year, I was offered a great graduate job about 6 months later. (I decided not to take it and did something else a bit later on, but that's a different story.)

Obviously if you become unwell in pregnancy you would have to be signed off and might have to sit your finals late or resit part of the year (for which you can get funding, for example I know someone who was ill in final year and the uni allowed them to do the part they missed but carry over the modules they'd completed the next year, while still registered as a full time student, and supported their application to get their loan for a 4th year - this was quite recent, under the current system of funding).

The uni and the Student Union will be able to help you with all sorts of financial and practical things. (The SU and their Nightline service if they have one might be a good port of call for support over making your choices, too, or signposting/referring to other services.) If you've got exams or assignments due very soon, and don't feel you can do them justice right now, you ought to be able to get an extension/do the exams when the resits would normally be. So if you need the space in that way, reach out and ask for it and don't take no for an answer. SU can help you with an advocate if needed. If you've never been to Student Support, go (or ring them).

First thing is to take as long as you need to work out what you want to do (continue the pregnancy or not, adoption or bring up the child although you don't have to choose the latter yet and can change your mind). Then look at the how. It's very doable if it's what you decide you want but all the options are equally valid.

would mean also taking important exams 7 months pregnant I think so good to hear that that is possible!

Just to add some lived experience of this specific issue.

When I did this, I was given a seat out of name order near the door/loos and the invigilators were primed that I might need to go out (had to be taken, not into the cubicle though). I took pillows to put on my chair and rest my feet on, and wore something comfortable, and my slippers!

This was some time ago and it didn't occur to me (or them) to offer me to do the exams in a smaller room or have extra time, but having done postgrad exams in a smaller room with those with a variety of needs, years later, I now know that this is a thing! If you needed to keep going to the loo or stretching your legs you could probably get extra time. Student Support can look at all this for you, if required and put a plan in place during the rest of the year and adapt it as you go along, depending how you are (eg sickness, fatigue, needing different chairs, or pregnancy-related health issues that might develop).

I did get a short extension for my final year dissertation, and 'extenuating circumstances' for it, as it was quite rushed/bad as I'd been unwell, but my prior grades and exam grades were good so in the end I got a 2:1

I know I feel so sick at the thought of an abortion

And you don't feel sick at the prospect of having a baby too young, on your own with no job and no money, in the middle of your degree with a boyfriend who doesn't want anything to do with you, or it, if you go ahead?

Seriously. Get the abortion. Ditch the boyfriend. Either way this relationship is doomed now. If you have the baby the relationship will be over. If you abort it you'll never forgive him for putting pressure on you and although you may limp together for a while the trust will be gone and you will always resent him for not being more supportive.

Don't over-romanticise this. There are so few reasons to argue for having it and so many very good reasons not to. There will be other much better times to be a mother, with a much better man. One who deserved the privilege and wants to be on that journey with you.

I know you say your bf is normally nice but do you not think he just showed his true colours? The measure of a person is how they act in a bad situation…..he didn’t have your back and he didn’t support you.

You’re unrealistic about your BF: no future there. If you have this DC you’ll be alone. If you don’t the relationship will be over sooner or later, so sooner would be better.

Think carefully about an abortion. He shouldn't not pressure to do one. It is horrible. It should be your decision. Regarding the child maintenance, it is irrelevant if he is in the birth certificate or not. It is not his choice to pay or not. You only have to open a case with the child maintenance service. If he denies paternity, they will ask him to take a DNA test. If he doesn't take it. They will assume paternity. He has to pay 12% of the gross salary for everything under 800 per week and 9% of everything over that.

** And you don't feel sick at the prospect of having a baby too young, on your own with no job and no money, in the middle of your degree with a boyfriend who doesn't want anything to do with you, or it, if you go ahead?

Seriously. Get the abortion. Ditch the boyfriend. Either way this relationship is doomed now. If you have the baby the relationship will be over. If you abort it you'll never forgive him for putting pressure on you and although you may limp together for a while the trust will be gone and you will always resent him for not being more supportive.

Don't over-romanticise this. There are so few reasons to argue for having it and so many very good reasons not to. There will be other much better times to be a mother, with a much better man.**

^Completely agree with all of this

My neighbours daughter had a child at 20 in her final year at uni. It wasn’t easy but lockdown probably helped make it doable. If it’s something you want for your life, you can continue with the pregnancy and uni. Her waster of a boyfriend disappeared within 3 months of pregnancy.

You don’t have a future with the boyfriend though. He had 50% responsibility to ensure he didn’t impregnate you and he failed so he shouldn’t be angry at you for his failure to control his ejaculation.

Let’s reframe this debate. He could have pulled out before the danger of pregnancy phase of sex and he didn’t. His 5 seconds of pleasure was more important than considering the consequences of his sploot on you, your body and your life. He doesn’t get to cum then walk away.

And his threats? They won’t stop. If you abort because he tells you to then where does it end? If he won’t pay maintenance then take him to CSA. His responsibility was to make you not pregnant in the first place. He failed that basic hurdle so he faces the consequences.

It’s your body and your choice. Totally pro-choice. It I’m not going to pretend it’s the easy option. It’s your choice and yours alone.

These threads always do my head in. Loads and loads of people queueing up to tell you to think very carefully about an abortion because you'll probably regret it and it will screw up your life.

But hardly anyone telling you to think very carefully about having a baby because you may regret it, it will make your life harder in every single way and it will limit your choices and opportunities for the next eighteen years.

You can get pregnant again, in better circumstances.

You can't put a child back once it's out.

All these people telling you how manageable and doable it will be to raise a child on your own with no willing and supportive father around, and a degree to finish.

But hardly any people being honest about how fucking hard it will be.

OP, I think you need to sit down and have a very honest chat with yourself. It doesn't matter what other people have done and how everything worked out in the end for them. You know yourself better than any of us here. You need to ask yourself, 'Will I mentally, financially and physically cope?'.

I had a friend who got pregnant and gave birth at the age of 18. In her case she married the baby's dad and they are still together 12 years later and have 5 kids. By all accounts they are lovely kids, well behaved and she seems to love being a mum.

I, on the other hand, have only one child and I am so done. I have people constantly asking me when I will be going for my second one, and my son should have a sibling etc etc. All concerns I raise about the fear of not coping tend to be brushed aside with, oh you will cope everyone does, years fly by so quickly, you will love it, children are joy!

My point is, I had that talk I mentioned in my first paragraph with myself and I know in my heart while I would love for my child to have a sibling and not be an only child, I also know that I am not my friend. I don't love being a mum. I didn't experience motherhood like she did. I hated the baby stage,the sleepless nights and I am hating the toddler years even more. A second child would break me. My mental health still isn't what it used to be and I often feel like running away. It saddens me sometimes but deep down I know it's the right decision for me.

All the best with whatever you decide

@NdujaWannaDance

These threads always do my head in. Loads and loads of people queueing up to tell you to think very carefully about an abortion because you'll probably regret it and it will screw up your life.

But hardly anyone telling you to think very carefully about having a baby because you may regret it, it will make your life harder in every single way and it will limit your choices and opportunities for the next eighteen years.

You can get pregnant again, in better circumstances.

You can't put a child back once it's out.

All these people telling you how manageable and doable it will be to raise a child on your own with no willing and supportive father around, and a degree to finish.

But hardly any people being honest about how fucking hard it will be.

100% this.

@NdujaWannaDance

*You can get pregnant again, in better circumstances.

You can't put a child back once it's out.

All these people telling you how manageable and doable it will be to raise a child on your own with no willing and supportive father around, and a degree to finish.

But hardly any people being honest about how fucking hard it will be.*

People are just being honest about their own experience.

You can't guarantee, either, that you can have another child.

And you can't recreate the same child once it's gone.

There is a converse experience/perspective yo everything here. Hannah has to weigh up her feelings and her knowledge of herself. Only she can try to do that.

Lots of people have had abortions and regretted it - they tend to be those who had strong doubts about doing it.

Lots of people have had babies on their own, and they have managed. We undermine young mothers by telling them it's impossible before they've even tried.

People here are just trying to present their experiences, from both sides of the two options. And I suppose there's a third option, too, which we haven't touched on, which is adoption.

Hey @Hannah378
I was in a similar situation
Found out I was pregnant early December after I missed my period. My partner and I are both in Uni and stay in a mixed Res. I showed him the pregnancy test for fear that he wouldn’t believe me. We hadn’t been together for long so I hadn’t really seen how he would react in tough situations.He was nice about it even though he was white in shock. He even made a joke about having fast swimmers (lol) and started talking to my belly and it lightened up the whole mood. We both decided we were not ready to have a baby and the best thing was to abort. Neither of us are financially stable and neither of our families would be supportive. That and the fact that my family stays in a completely different country (I’m an international student at this Uni) that would make things 10x harder. I think his side of the family would have been more supportive but they also stay about 12 hours away. It was just a tough situation. We had no choice.
I just turned 22 last week. He is younger than me by a year or two and I will say that even though he was in shock he was soooooo supportive of me through the whole process. He apologized a million times for what happened and the pain I had. He would come over and keep me company and just sit and talk.
Your boyfriend is a grown up. He needs to be mature and act like one. It’s okay not to want a baby but it’s not okay to treat you the way he did. There’s a respectable way to talk to someone you love. I think you deserve way better sis.
I was lucky enough to find an abortion spot open the day that I found out I was pregnant so I got it done right away. I did what was best for myself and I have no regrets.
Whatever you decide remember:

1. As long as it is something you want, the process may be hard but your decision will be fulfilling. Choose for you not for him or your family or strangers and comments. Do what you think Is best for you. If you decide to keep it I’m sure they can make a plan at your Uni. I have seen loads of girls at mine who come to school pregnant and life goes on. Just choose what’s best for you.

1. Talk to someone close that you trust. You need the emotional support. I was on the phone with my friend the whole time that I took the test and went to the clinic and took the pills. It was nice to talk to someone besides my boyfriend about it. She called and checked up on me a lot and I really needed it. Even if you decide to keep your baby you need the emotional support.

1. This is also something to think about, but the character of a person is tested when things aren’t going well. He’s shown you who he is sis. Shock or not. Don’t base your decision on him and his opinion. And be ready to let him go. The decision is yours obviously but I think you deserve better.

I wish you the best! PM me if you need to talk :)